Why Alpha Women Need Alpha Men

BY: - 30 Mar '11 | Home

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by Gwen Jimmere

According to the former AlphaWomen.com:

An Alpha Woman is a decision-maker who is committed to her goals and dreams. She may be opinionated and unafraid to speak her mind, but she is considerate, open-minded, and respectful of others. She is always ready to learn and willing to take on any challenge. Most importantly, she is dedicated to growing as a person, as a valuable and contributive member of society.

AskMen.com says the following:

She’s on top of her game. She is obstinate, sometimes conceited and doesn’t always make it easy for you. She gives you a run for your money and makes you work overtime on her, so to speak. But all this only makes her more appealing to you. She is, in other words, the quintessential “alpha female.” The alpha female has an uncanny ability to make men desire her. The alpha female’s talents are special, and consequently, satisfying her might be a man’s biggest marital challenge yet.

Black celebrity Alpha Women include Beyonce Knowles, Oprah Winfrey, and Tyra Banks.

Alpha women are self-assured, self-reliant high achievers and are typically physically attractive. They don’t mess around. Often they are business owners and/or hold multiple degrees. This doesn’t mean they are uncompassionate ice queens a la Grace Jones   in Boomerang. Ironically, they are completely opposite. Alpha Women know how to balance it all with a Coke and a smile. Then again, she tends to be physically fit, so we may have to nix that Coke for a Dasani water.

When it comes to the selecting a lifelong mate, Alpha Women are highly selective. Potential mates must have the ability to hold intellectually stimulating conversations and, generally, be equally yolked with said woman. As my momma would say, “If you aren’t coming correct, don’t come at all.” Potential mates must present an intellectual challenge if they expect to hold an Alpha Woman’s interest for any length of time. She should not be able to eat him alive in a conversation about current events. These men also need to be equally self-assured and self-reliant.

Hence, why an Alpha Woman needs an Alpha Man.

Men who don’t possess a similar inner strength an Alpha Woman has will quickly get walked over and she will easily bore of him. He will lose her respect as a potential mate. If he’s a nice enough guy, he will be reduced to what is known as “the dreaded friend zone.” No potential suitor wants this. From what I’m told, this is the worst position to be in and usually lasts a lifetime. Once a guy is in the dreaded friend zone, it’s virtually impossible to get out. He will end up being replaced by someone who provides her with an intellectual and/or emotional challenge. Beyonce said it best in the December 2008 issue of Elle magazine:

Elle: How is your marriage to Jay Z?

Beyonce: It’s a power struggle. But if I didn’t respect someone and they didn’t have that strength,  then I would be bored. I wouldn’t be attracted to them.

Well said, B.

Alpha Men are often confused with pompous douchebags. By contrast, Alpha Men are amazing. They are “nice guys” (read: doting, accommodating, thoughtful, etc.) But you cannot run over them. They can and do hold their ground, and are firm, yet tactful, about what they want, much like their female counterparts.

Alpha Women tend to have no shortage of men vying for their attention, many of which will seem like “the one” because they are so nice, so sweet, and will do any and everything under the sun for their woman. They also let their women do whatever they want, no questions asked. Enter the Beta Man.

Some say Beta Men are good for Alpha Women, because they balance each other out. However, typical Beta Men are rarely compatible with Alpha Women, one reason being that they are much less assertive than Alpha Men. Alpha Women require a balance of aggressive and passive qualities. Beta Men tend to be passive 95% of the time. In addition, they are a bit “too” accommodating, highly apologetic even for things out of their control, and less driven than Alpha Men. They can be self-depreciating at times and over-complimentary of their women to a fault. This irritates the Alpha Woman. If ever you hear of a man being “too nice,” he’s probably a Beta Man. He does everything right, but he just can’t hold her attention, no matter what he does. Again, an Alpha Woman requires a challenge. Beta Men give often “too” much of their time, money, and emotions. They are easily walked over and typically end up placed in the aforementioned “dreaded friend zone.”

Often, Alpha Women will hear from friends, “you don’t like nice guys.” This couldn’t be further from the truth. Alpha Women, like most women, love nice guys. In fact, an Alpha Woman will not waste time with a disrespectful or mean-spirited man. But as my friend and fellow author Charles Orlando would say, “Women do like nice guys, they don’t like doormats.”

BMWK ladies – are you an Alpha Woman? Does the above description sound like you?

Gwen Jimmere is an award-winning and nationally syndicated editor who authored the relationship manual for young women,  If It Walks Like a Duck”...and Other Truths My Mother Taught Me. She blogs about relationships, dating, marriage and parenting at  The Duck Walkand works in social media/digital marketing.

About the author

Gwen Jimmere wrote 15 articles on this blog.


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62 WordPress comments on “Why Alpha Women Need Alpha Men

    1. Lisa

      I agree. There is way too much focus on celebrity marriages as models to follow.

      I’d much rather take my cues from average folks dealing with everyday average folk problems and issues when it comes to my marriage.

    2. Y. Mendez

      No where in the article does it say that we should model ourselves on celebrities. It merely mentions some well-known women who exemplify many of these qualities. The article, as a whole, doesn’t mention celebrates anywhere else. Reading is fundamental :)

      Regardless, I consider myself an alpha woman and I do not work well with “soft” men. I do need someone who will flat out tell me “no, we’re not going to do that”, or basically take on the role as head of household when needed. I agree completely with the article.For readers who aren’t alpha males or an alpha women, perhaps the reasoning behind the article might not be as clear.

  1. RWH

    I am an alpha female and feel that this article makes SOME very salient points….Food for thought. I especially agree with the paragraph pertaining to alpha females needing alpha men. A conversation that my other alpha sisters and I have discussed repeatedly over the years.

    1. Anonymous

      First off, Alpha Men and Women is someone else’s opinion and concept. It’s about character not some style of personhood. My values come from following after Christ, who I assure you was not too nice or soft but strong……we need to be careful what we take in and read and accept. I understand what the article is attempting to describe, a strong, yet warm and loving woman but that’s the kind of woman God intends for us to be…..Proverbs 31 Woman is what I’m aiming for…..not a Alpha Woman and as far as the man is concerned, he would have the same strengths and character because he is submissive to God and not some type of personality.

      Thanks for expressing what a Christian woman and man should represent in “real life.”

  2. Nicole Denise83

    I agree with a previous comment. How can we possibly know if Beyonce, Tyra Banks or anyone else outside the purview of our respective every day lives are ” self-assured, self-reliant….and high achievers?” All we know is that they are physically attractive. To say these women must automatically be self assured/self-reliant simply because they are in the spotlight is quite the illogical leap to make, especially when Tyra Banks has openly admitted she has struggled with body image issues. My point is we assume these women possess these characteristics because they are in the spotlight, not because we know anything about them.

    Moreover, although I do find the characteristics mentioned here intriguing on some level, we run a dangerous risk in teaching others, namely young women that “Beta Men” or men like them are “too nice” for “strong women.” What does that mean? That a woman with a strong personality/sense of self won’t mesh well with a man who doesnt have as strong as a personality? Does it mean that the Beta Man isnt as good as the Alpha Man. The message also seems to say being nice and strong are mutually exclusive principles. This is troublesome because as a young sister I struggled with possessing that same subconscious belief and landed myself in a world of hurt. Although I understand the attempted message of the article, I think I will stray from teaching my daughter the same. It is a slippery slope.

    1. Y.Mendez

      I believe every person has insecurities of some kind. That doesn’t make them non-alpha. Tyra is very self-assured in other manners – particularly business. She is driven; this is clearly evident. Oprah is the same. Men who are considered “too nice” are often push overs who will do any and everything for their women. While this sounds nice on paper, the reality is that a strong willed woman will bore of him eventually

      1. Nicole Denise83

        I certainly dont disagree that a woman who has insecurities cant be an alpha woman. That certainly wasnt my intended point. Even the greatest of leaders have insecurities but are still phenomenal leaders. My actual point was that using celebrities, people we do not intimately know and adamantly stating those people are automatically self assured because of their status is flawed. We do ourselves and youth a disservice when we use people we do not know and assume characteristics of them that we have no personal knowledge of. Tis akin to a hero/heroine syndrome and is not a logical thing to do.

      2. Nicole Denise83

        I certainly dont disagree that a woman who has insecurities cant be an alpha woman. That certainly wasnt my intended point. Even the greatest of leaders have insecurities but are still phenomenal leaders. My actual point was that using celebrities, people we do not intimately know and adamantly stating those people are automatically self assured because of their status is flawed. We do ourselves and youth a disservice when we use people we do not know and assume characteristics of them that we have no personal knowledge of. Tis akin to a hero/heroine syndrome and is not a logical thing to do.

        1. Anonymous

          Oh come on, you’re trying too hard to find fault. The writer was simply giving a general example of people that anyone who read the article would recognize. Obviously we don’t know the inner character of these prominent women behind closed doors, but they are known for their “alpha” personalities in the business and entertainment worlds. It was simply a mental aid.

  3. T. Rogers

    Let’s turn this around. Do alpha men “need” alpha women? Do they generally seek out alpha women? My guess is no. Generally, it seems that men with dominating personalities seek out women with accomodating personalities. It is neither good or bad. It just seems to be the case. Believe it or not, most men are not interested in constantly flexing their “inner strength” in order to keep their women interested. Interesting article. But something is off here.

    1. Renaissance Man

      You’ve introduced a very good counter here. I do wholeheartedly believe that an alpha woman needs an alpha man. But the same isn’t true on the flipside per se. But that can be explained in the mere difference between men and women. At the end of the day, a woman is a woman at her core. And is in need of a certain type of interaction from her man. And the same can be said for men. Whereas an alpha woman, needs everything that comes with an alpha male (she also needs him to be flexible). An alpha male, is attracted to an alpha female, but he also NEEDS to just be nurtured versus being constantly pushed or competed against (which he will feel no matter if he admits it or not). The alpha v. alpha game isn’t an exactly a cut and dry one. And definitely is not the same from each gender’s perspective.

    2. Dstisme

      I think alpha women need a man that is more ‘alpha’ than her. You’re right in that a man on her ‘plane’ might need someone on a lower (figuratively) plane. But that doesn’t mean a man on a higher plane isn’t looking for exactly her.

      1. T. Rogers

        I agree. It doesn’t mean an alpha male is not looking for an alpha woman. I just think alpha men don’t have the need to be “kept interested” in the same way this article lays it out for alpha women. Most men are not looking for a challenge when they decide to marry. Players like a challenge while persuing women. Mature men who are ready to settle down want simplicity. The power struggle Beyonce mentioned is what most men want to minimize in every way possible.

        1. mommattorney

          But most players like challenges when pursuing a woman to settle down with and eventually possibly marry. The ones that challenge them and aren’t submissive (for a lack of a better word) are the ones they usually keep. And even players eventually must become mature men.

          Alpha men get bored just like alpha women do so I think a true alpha male does want a challenge, that is part and parcel to being an alpha male.

          1. T. Rogers

            “But most players like challenges when pursuing a woman to settle down with and eventually possibly marry.”

            You are talking about men who discover maturity after the fact. I’m not a woman. But I wouldn’t want to be the one that challenges the player enough to make him settle down. What happens if his alpha wife no longer “challenges” him? Does he begin to look for that challenge in other women? It would be consistent with his past behavior. What happens when alpha wife has a couple of kids and can’t be the person that ex-player originally sought for his challenge?

            I guess this gets to my issues with this article. There seems to be some immaturity and selfishness buried under all this. It’s the whole “I need a man or woman who can handle me” angle. Children need to be “handled” and kept “interested”. Adults shouldn’t need that. Who some people call alpha men and alpha women are really just divas.

          2. Renee

            “Submissive” in no way means lack of backbone or giving in easily. We have to be careful how we use words do define character traits. A woman that willingly submits to a man does so because she finds that he is able to handle it. Any man that would use this as an excuse to “hurt, or malign a woman in any way is a brute.” A real man would understand his role and also understand that his wife is just as strong as he is in character but she chooses to give him the honor. God ordained men and women to behave a certain way…..just like on a job…..the boss is in control. Does that mean his employees are less “capable” and should be mistreated? God forbid. I don’t want an Alpha Man…..I want a God-fearing man who is strong. Since the maker of the universe knows more than I do…..I’m willing to bet on his advice.

  4. Anna

    Beyonce’, Oprah and Tyra don’t have kids. Oprah and Tyra are not married. Oprah said she is not married because she only cooks for Stedman when she wants to(is that a reason not to get married) She’s had a Personal Chef for yrs.. Beyonce’ said she can cook a mean “Hamburger Helper, and Tyra wants to drop her last name and be knows as just “Tyra”. Do rich women choose their careers over marriage and kids???? @ T. Rogers, I agree w/your comment. I know Bey is married but is it love or business??

    1. Y.Mendez

      Kimora Lee Simmons is an example of an Alpha woman, too. Rich, successful, has a seemingly successful marriage to Dijmon Honsou, appears to be a great and on-hands mother. She hasn’t chosen career over marriage and kids. She has all three.

      How does Tyra dropping her last name make her non-alpha? I fail to see the relevance of that.

  5. Anna

    Beyonce’, Oprah and Tyra don’t have kids. Oprah and Tyra are not married. Oprah said she is not married because she only cooks for Stedman when she wants to(is that a reason not to get married) She’s had a Personal Chef for yrs.. Beyonce’ said she can cook a mean “Hamburger Helper, and Tyra wants to drop her last name and be knows as just “Tyra”. Do rich women choose their careers over marriage and kids???? @ T. Rogers, I agree w/your comment. I know Bey is married but is it love or business??

  6. Reggie Williams

    Lamar Tyler just released a new documentary entitled “Men Ain’t Boys.” This is the story of 45 African American men standling tall and strong and eloquently defining what a black man is, countering what the media and every other person says about us. How needed that film is – because (as seen in this article) we have a nation that continues to turn to what the media says (Elle magazine and what celebrities say and do) to qualified who we are.

    In addition, if someone has to get on a plupit and preached that they are an Alpha Male or an Alpha Female or profess just how strong they are, then that is a clear indication to me that they aren’t as strong or as Alpha as they believe themselves to be.


  7. JF

    I’m having some issues with this article. The alpha female is being portrayed as this perfect image/perfect balance, strong, yet can yield when needed, open to learn but strong in conviction, intelligent, confident, attractive, needs metal stimulation etc. If we want to take celebrities and media image as examples, these characteristics wouldn’t totally apply, if at all. Beyonce is incredibly naive, understands nothing of current politics, she doesn’t have depth like that. She is just attractive, extremely talented, at the top of her field and is in business/has money. I have more to say about it, but I don’t want to discuss my views on Beyonce. Same with Tyra, as was stated before with body and self-image issues.

    I don’t think there is this perfect balance in character like talked about in the article. Let’s not confuse confident with cocky/vain, let’s not confuse strong personality with attitude/being stubborn. I think many women are actually taking on more male qualities, and I mean the bad ones like being stubborn/cocky/overly prideful/aggressive and calling it Alpha Female and making it good. I feel the paradigm of black relationship/male female ‘roles’ has shifted so much and so quickly that neither one knows how to handle it, accept, figure it out etc.

    Now, Im not saying this is general of alpha women. I know some women that are very strong and smart and achieved and it’s beautiful and I also know many that seem to assume to old traditional role/character/bad qualities of a man. I don’t see how an Alpha woman and Alpha man can match. I think by definition both parties will be fighting for the role as the Head, the Alpha. Beyonce said it was a power struggle in the article…a struggle for power, how does that sound like a good match. How can you work together when you are both fighting for the top and if a man allows her to be Alpha, then wouldn’t that make him Beta by the logic of the article. I know many women that want to act as the head and when a man is taught that he is to be the head, there will be a huge conflict.

    Im not totally against this article. I don’t feel these women that are described don’t exist, I agree that there are the “too nice” push over men as discussed a couple days ago on this site, but I feel the examples of Alpha and Beta are too extreme and excluded the true nature of the majority of those who may fall into these groups. I feel there is a lot missing in this discussion. None of the women that are celebrities in these alpha woman roles have successful marriages/relationships/families it seems. It seems that two alphas can be together, but more in a business merger fashion. but then again, we really dont know these people. Anyway…there is much to be discussed in this topic…

  8. mommattorney

    As with any sort of generalization, this article will apply more to some than others. This article rings true for me. My husband and I both are Alpha types. We both hold multiple degrees and are strong minded. I agree with Beyonce’s comment about the power struggle. 2 power oriented people in 1 house definitely is a learning experience. But this isn’t something we battle over everyday, its just another hurdle and every relationship has hurdles. The challenge (and alpha women love challenges) is learning to surrender that power when needed because at the end of the day, a man is a man and he needs to have certain controls. I think women today often lose sight of that. We focus on the “independent woman”. I am an independent woman but I still need my man and I make sure he knows that because if a man doesn’t feel needed, you will have problems. Same with a woman. I think that is what Beyonce was trying to say.

    I think the article speaks in extremes but the key is not any one person possesses all of the qualities discussed, but more of these qualities than others. I too realize all of my relationships before my husband have failed, for the reasons mentioned above. I can’t don’t mesh well beta men. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with them, we are just on 2 different wavelengths and I get bored without a challenge. My husband and I have power struggles every now and then, but we are always aiming for the same goal. For us, our strong personalities are what attracted us to each other and I assure you that its way more than a business relationship :-) So at the end if the day, an alpha or beta personality just needs to know compromise. Alpha does not mean ice queen (or king), as the article says.

    I also don’t believe that rich or powerful means you have to chose between being a mother or a wife. I am both and while it is a struggle at the end of the day my priorities lie within the confines of my home. Some women think that if you chose a career you can’t be at home. That is far from the truth. Alpha women raise kids, cook, clean and can do everything any other women can, if they chose. But not everybody wants these things. At the end of the day, you have to be true to yourself and your goals.

    1. Renee

      Love your comments……you said it so eloquently…….I agree one hundred percent. This type of article only teaches women that they should strive for this ridiculous lifestyle of being rich, famous, etc. instead of being a decent and beautiful human being. And being a beautiful woman (spiritually) in no way diminishes her strength. Even God says a woman that fears the Lord, she shall be praised…..not an Alpha Woman.

    1. Renee

      I don’t understand this concept of Alpha Woman and Alpha Men……some people have strong personalities than others…..more forceful….doesn’t necessary make them “stronger,” when it comes to dealing with life. I consider myself very strong and working on becoming what God says I should be….a Proverbs 31 woman who was strength personified. Yes, she did all those things such as have a business, raise children, cook, clean…..which I believe is absolutely nothing wrong with…..but she was also kind, considerate, not controlling and trying to have a way. It’s great that there are people who feel like they can live life on their own……but for me….I wanna be “sweet, kind, and strong….” We don’t see the interaction of these women all the time and how they “really” deal with others and life. We might not have such a great view if we were a fly on the wall. Am I saying they are horrible women…..absolutely not…..but what I am saying is God has a “higher” standard for us which sometimes is contrary to being an Alpha Woman. It is very selfish to believe that someone has to keep you intellectually stimulated……that’s something you should do yourself….however, as a mate I would prefer someone who can communicate with me…..not so I won’t get bored but because I like stimulating conversation……..so self centered.

  9. Discussion King

    Just reading this…

    controversy sells!
    I personally know many ‘Alpha women’ and many aren’t married. The ones that are turned out NOT to be so Alpha…

    but of course I only know a thousand handful of people..

    But It’s true in that these women do need someone to tell them to STFU sometimes… #ijs

  10. Cici

    I am an Alpha women and married a Beta man 10 years ago.Now I am the sole breadwinner for my family.I am making lots of money and my husband is helping out around the house.He does please me by doing anything I want.But he does not provide challanges or stimulation for me.
    I believe this article is true.I now realize my mistake.

  11. nordicprincess

    mommattorney – you sound very familiar to me :)
    I don’t want to put any labels on anybody or myself, but I feel that me and my hubby are both Alphas, at least we are both certainly more alphas than betas.
    And we have our power struggles. But like you said, it’s a balancing act. My husband is pretty easygoing but there are certain areas he will not give in to and neither will I, and we keep each other on our toes.
    Does not mean that we can’t be loving and tender and compassionate. We are both very caring towards our family and friends, that’s what unites us. We are always willing to help people. We also help each other and are a great team. We both work and take care of the house and cook together and have our private time and family time. We expect a lot but also give a lot. It is a balancing act and we are getting better as the years go by.
    I have realized exactly this – that I am very picky about men and sofar I have not met another man that would impress me. Neither has my husband.
    I associate Beta men with passiveness which I can’t stand. I don’t care how smart and intelligent you are, if you are afraid to live and take risks, you are boring.
    Even the strong females want a strong male.
    I have often wondered how an Alpha female can stand to be with a Beta male and vice versa. I guess Beta male goes best with Beta female, then again most people are a mix of the two and tend to gear towards either more passive or aggressive. Two Betas would not get much done, and even though I like things my way, I want a man who stands his ground also.
    Alpha male needs a lot of patience with the Alpha female, but if she stands by his side, he will love her and stay by her side.
    It comes down to being confident but not arrogant and being your true self.
    There are a lot of fake alpha males who try to show off and hide their insecurities. True alphas are secure in who they are and what they want.

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