“PDA”- How Much Is Too Much In Front Of Children?

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by Tiya Cunningham-Sumter | on April 5th, 2011 | 5 comments

By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter

Recently an interesting conversation started during a diversity training event on the amount and type of affection, by couples, displayed in front of children. One of the participants voiced a strong concern relating to same-sex couples living in her neighborhood. She strongly believed that everyone should live the life they choose. However. she didn’t want her children exposed to kissing and the general display of affection. She went on further to explain it wasn’t just an issue with same-sex couples – it was basically any couple. Her preference was for her children not to witness it; she and her guy limited those types of affection in their presence. Although I neglected to question at the time, I wondered what harm she felt it would do.

Now, I do admit I have been sickened by those couples that are overly affectionate in front of others. Have you ever been around one of those couples who can’t seem to keep their hands off each other? There is usually some caressing, a lot of kissing and even fondling. It’s as if they are the only people in the room. My husband and I are not that couple, but we do believe in showing affection around our daughters. It is important for our children to see a hug here and a kiss there. Although our children beg us not to, they still need to witness it. The other day the children requested that we only kiss after their bedtime, or after they have moved out of the house. But seriously, what they learn about love and marriage will be a direct reflection of what we show them with our marriage. They need to see how a man should love and treat his wife and vice versa, so they are aware of what to expect and what to give in their own relationships. Witnessing their dad be gentle with me and for us to share a loving kiss is healthy.

Even when the children complain about it, I can still see a little joy and even smiles on their faces. They feel that our love is real and it makes them feel good. Honestly, it took me a while to get there. Growing up in a single-parent home limited my chances of seeing that type of affection. It didn’t come easy or natural for me. Realizing the affect it had on my relationship further convinced me of what my children need to experience. I want them to know what a healthy love looks like. I don’t believe in shielding them from what is naturally supposed to take place.

Of course as with most things, there is a limit. We personally only kiss and hug, no fondling or groping because we always want to remain tasteful and respectful. Allowing children to witness the most innocent parts of our love also teaches them how to love.

BMWK, what type of affection do you display in front of your children?

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. Tiya recently created and launched (Tuesdays with Tiya) Life Editing Radio show on blogtalkradio.com. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.

About the author

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. Tiya recently created and launched (Tuesdays with Tiya) Life Editing Radio show on blogtalkradio.com. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.

Erica Bunker

It’s amazing the types of things that people make a big deal over. We’re a VERY affectionate bunch. My husband and I are always just randomly “making out”. It’s our “norm”. Our kids have always seen it so they pay us no mind. My two kids who are still at home (a 19 year old and a 13 year old) randomly hug and kiss us as well. I think parents that “hide” their affection for one another from their children do them a disservice.
Anonymous

I absolutely agree with you! Kids need to be exposed to their parents displays of affection. Childhood is a time of learning how to be a good adult, and a primary method of learning is observation. It is essential that our children view us expression love in all forms to our spouse. Absences of PDA doesn’t teach them not to, it only teaches them it is something that should be hidden. I’m not sure that is the message about love and sexuality that we want to express to our kids.

Now I have to agree, while I want my kids to see my wife and I kissing affectionately, I don’t really want them seeing others doing the same. PDA in public is a different matter. Holding hands, a quick kiss sure… but save the rest for home!
http://www.lashondanicole.blogspot.com FirstladyShonda

I was just thinking about this the other day. One day me and my sons were in Walmart and they saw two women down each other’s throat. They had never seen people of the same sex kissing in that way, especially at Walmart. My husband and I realized at that point that we had some explaining to do. We had to let our kids know where we stand on the issue and also allow them to ask questions. Of course, my kids see affection displayed everyday between me and their dad. They love it and do not feel uncomfortable about it. I feel it is important for them to be affectionate and to see us being affectionate. That way, they will know that we love each other and how to show love to others. This affection is respectful, like playing, kissing, holding hands, or hugging. I never saw that growing up with my parents and it feels good to see my kid hugs and say, I love you to their brother or sister.
TheMrs

I am all for PDA to an extent…I do NOT need to see people full fledged grinding in public but it is ok for a kiss(I’ll even go as far as more than a peck), hand holding, and hugging. My parents were not very affectionate in front of us and my husband was raised by a dating single parent which he only saw the more permanent men around the house. Our youngest daughter, now 8, will see us give a kiss or a quick tap on the backside and yell “Iiiiillllllll” while our oldest son, 9, will smile and our oldest child, 12, will tell us to get a room with a giant grin on her face.
We can not police what others do outside but we have tried to talk to our children about all types of relationships(hetero and homo) so that they have an understanding and they know our views on it.
Christina

We are honestly not at all a PDA couple, but we do make a conscious effort to display affection in front of our boys. The seven year old pays us no mind. The 2 year old is always trying to make it a family affair. lol!