Dear Michael Baisden: The Truth About Marriage

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by Tiya Cunningham-Sumter | on May 31st, 2011 | 21 comments

By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter

I admit I am not a regular listener of the Michael Baisden Show; I listen on occasion. However, when I heard that our very own Lamar Tyler had been a special guest, I ran to the laptop and tracked down the podcast. I thoroughly enjoyed the interview and Lamar represented black marriage extremely well. But one of Michael Baisden’s questions stood out to me the most. He wanted to know the real deal about marriage, as I am sure most single people do. Sometimes, I think in my efforts to promote black marriage I may, at times, leave out a few other (not so flattering) details. So here I plan to give it to you straight, no chaser.

The truth about marriage:

The Engagement: Is normally one of the most exciting days in a woman’s life. Once we accept the proposal, our minds immediately go into planning mode. There is probably no mention of the marriage this early on.

The Wedding: At this point the majority of our attention is placed on the details. Our wedding has to be beautiful and it has to represent who we are and the love we share. Again, probably still no mention on what each spouse is going to bring to the marriage.

The Marriage, the Challenges:After the honeymoon we jump right into the marriage, and it is absolutely amazing in the beginning. We are doing everything right, just as we were when we were dating. Then children take over and our marriage becomes all about them. Next, those bills start to build up, it becomes stressful and we put more energy into our careers to meet those financial demands. Some of our relationships prior to marriage didn’t include all of this, so it’s new and there really wasn’t a discussion on how it would be handled. We feel a little overwhelmed but are reluctant to share it with our spouses because we never discussed how to properly communicate the part of marriage that isn’t as enjoyable. All of a sudden the dating has stopped, the intimacy has slowed all the way down and the effective communication has taken a back seat. The one thing developing the most are the excuses: “I’m tired, we’re outgrowing one another, he doesn’t do this, so I’m not doing that, I don’t have time, she doesn’t make it easy for me.” Some choose to leave their marriages this way; others take action and give their marriages, the love, tenderness and attention it deserves.

The Marriage, the Benefits: While some of the above happens in most marriages occasionally, those of us who have weathered those storms know that a healthy marriage is God’s blessing. In a healthy marriage, we acknowledge that there are tough days and we won’t always agree and that’s okay. But the love, yes the love will see us through everything. We have a true best friend. There is someone waiting at home to love you! When there is good news as well as bad news we know that there are some arms waiting to high-five us or hold us, and both provide needed comfort. We have a person to share our lives with, learn from, pray with, and grow old with; to accompany us on this life journey.

Creating a healthy marriage is a true definition of success. It speaks to a person’s character, that even when things get tough, we stick and stay. If there are children, the joy that fills your heart when they are able to see the love and connection between their parents is immeasurable. We are planting seeds for them now. According to an AECF/Kidscount.org study married couples with children, on average, have a higher standard of living and greater economic security than one-parent families. Parents raising children together tend to have more money, more flexibility and more time to supervise their children, offer emotional support, take an active part in their education, and arrange other activities for them.

There is pure joy and satisfaction in building a life and a family with the person you love. So, while marriage may not always be full of sunshine and roses, the benefits far outweigh the rest.

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. Tiya recently created and launched (Tuesdays with Tiya) Life Editing Radio show on blogtalkradio.com. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.

About the author

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. Tiya recently created and launched (Tuesdays with Tiya) Life Editing Radio show on blogtalkradio.com. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.

http://www.trevhamm.com Trev Hamm

Thanks for being honest about the challenges of marriage and the benefits that come from overcoming them
http://www.facebook.com/mark.a.dyson Mark Anthony Dyson

Marriage exposes the worst in us, for us to overcome and present our best at some point. You don’t get that benefit until the couple has done their due diligence and weathered the storms. It works the best when there is no other option than “…bones of my bones, flesh of my flesh…”

Yoyodicker

Well said!

http://www.relationshipsmatternow.com Denise W. Barreto

Love your article and the two comments – I am leading a conversation on the importance of relationship health – just like other areas of our lives – relationships need wellness planning as well. I love any opportunities to reflect on the importance of all relationships and like you – I’m particularly bent on saving families, especially black ones. Thanks for your candid article – I’ll be sharing it with my tribe!

Tiya

Thank you Denise, please keep doing what you do, we NEED you.

Yanni

Tiya, Love your article. Thanks for giving us the candid, straight with no chaser. WE need this information.

Yanni
Yanni

Tiya, Love your article. Thanks for giving us the candid, straight with no chaser. WE need this information.

Yanni

Tiya

Thanks Yanni!

MrsW

I realize Tiya was probably limited in her columnar space – but there is so much more to this, particularly if you are a little bit older when you arrive at the altar. The pre-engagement phase and the post-engagement and pre-wedding phase should be where people discuss so many of the issues that are depicted in the marriage-challenge area.

But the LOVE is what gets you through. When my husband and I disagree strongly or when we are tempted to blow an issue out of proportion, I remember two things: Thing 1 – I promised my mother in law that my only purpose in marrying her son was to be a BLESSING in his life. So in the tough moments I ask myself – how can i be a blessing to him, right here and right now? Thing 2 – will we remember the importance of this issue in 10 years, 3 years, 2 months, next week? If not, de-escalate and let it go. If yes, find a way to communicate what is important.

Tiya

Love it!!!!!!!
Alvida_4

Wow Mrs W. I wonder how many marriages would still be intact if more people thought about being a blessing in their spouse’s life! Very well said!

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000166055856 Lashanda Burns Carter

I believe the part about in your partner being your best friend is one of the most important parts of a marriage
Raqueldawsonrobinson

Love it—and it is a struggle
http://bibsandbaubles.com Cam – Bibs & Baubles

marriage is awesome – hard work, but awesome and I love it!
Laughing808

Good article with great points. I’ve been married now for just about six years and what I’ve come to learn is that there is no correct or set mode for marriage. Each marriage is different and what works for me and my marriage wont exactly work for the next married couple. It took dang on near 4 to 5 years for me to realize that………..yeah I know I had on rose colored glasses for that long. But once I stopped trying to measure my marriage against friends, family and acquantices things started going smoothly.
Laughing808

Good article with great points. I’ve been married now for just about six years and what I’ve come to learn is that there is no correct or set mode for marriage. Each marriage is different and what works for me and my marriage wont exactly work for the next married couple. It took dang on near 4 to 5 years for me to realize that………..yeah I know I had on rose colored glasses for that long. But once I stopped trying to measure my marriage against friends, family and acquantices things started going smoothly.
http://www.facebook.com/mark.a.dyson Mark Anthony Dyson

When you use friends as a gauge to measure your marriage, no matter how long they have been married and happy, the benchmark is still too low and its the beginning of failure. No one has you or your spouse’s demons, in-laws, background, upbringing, or orientation. How can another couple’s marriage help yours except for what it looks like on the outside?
KYSJ2009

It’s so funny that “since he is not doing this, then I’m not doing that”
is what we are doing right now
He is the “bread winner” and I “the homemaker” he works about 12 hours a day and as a Wife/Mother it’s 24 hour job we are aware of what our job requires from us, but it becomes more of a comparison

we are pretty much going through all the rough patches of marriage right now
I thank you for this article it helps me to see things will be just fine (see it to believe it)
ToniRena1225

The benefits of marriage DO totally outweigh all the rest. It’s a wonderful feeling experiencing a deep and lasting love. 32 years, happily married, and still loving it! A blessing indeed….
http://www.synithiawilliams.com Synithia

Great points. My husband and I often joke about what it was like before kids when we could travel easily and had extra money to spend, but we wouldn’t trade what we have now. Marriage takes work. No one sprinkles magic pixie dust when you say your vows that’ll make everything perfect. Knowing you have someone who’s always there for you through thick and thin makes a marriage worth fighting in the bad times.
Kllandry

The only thing I like about this article is Mark Anthony Dyson’s comment [see above]. This article is too fluffy, too flowery. It does not address the real deal. For instance, in the “engagement” section, the author writes “There is probably no mention of the marriage this early on.” Seriously people? I believe that I am mature and have common some people don’t have. For me, I know better than to be all wrapped up in the engagement and wedding before I think about the actual marriage. I contribute that to being in my 30′s and having a kid 7 years old. I’m engaged and I would rather go to the justice of the peace and save our money to pay off debt and buy a house in an excellent school district that will prepare our kids to compete in this global economy and go to college and excel, than to be so wrapped up in events that going to last a fraction of the time compared to being married. Most of us are in the same position, we either have kids already before we even get married. So I’m not buying this comment when she says that “There is probably no mention of the marriage this early on.” Secondly, she talks about the wedding and makes the same statement…”no mention about what each person will bring to the table after the wedding.” Seriously? No one is talking about how the bills will be paid? Parenting styles? Careers? Buying a home? Saving for retirment? A husband’s role? A wife’s role? Come on people! Finally, I wanted to agree with the Marriage and Benefits section but the comment “But the love, yes the love will see us through everything” just didn’t sit well with me. How many times have we seen people divorce and at the end they say, “we still love each other!” Love is not enough. Yes, love is the foundation, it’s what a relationship should be build upon, but love is not the only thing that will get us through our relationships. Whatever the situation is, people have to want to get down to the core, open up and TALK!!! Focus on ourselves first and then our partners. If we so busy blaming the other person and haven’t addressed how we as individuals affect a relationship then it an uphill battle. So, in my humble opinion, the truth about marriage is we should be preparing for more difficult times than good times. We should not be so wrapped up in the engagement and wedding that we forget about the most important thing and that’s spending the rest of our lives together. I’m sure marriage is a beautiful and will be a beautiful thing.