Should Relationships Have Rules?

I don’t know if we set rules…but we talk through scenarios to know where each other stands.  We have mutual respect for each other and follow the golden rule….. we try to treat each other the way we want to be treated. 

Regarding the list above…we don’t have most of those rules because we trust each other.  If he has to step out for a call..its because it is too loud with our kids…I don’t mind.  If he is out late…it is probably because he needs to be out.  So I guess we have we just respect each other in those areas.

I guess there is a code of conduct that we should follow as married couples.  But I am not setting a rule like you can’t stay out past midnight or you  can’t have single friends. My husbands single friends are really nice.

We take each scenario as they come and we do what feels right and what’s in the best interest of the marriage.

Rules are for school children.  Rules are good for group think and crowd control.  Grown ups should have values and principles that guide their conduct and shape their character. I just returned from Disney World with our grandchildren.  Rules for parking, ticket purchases, standing in line, controlling who rides what attractions, etc., are necessary for crowd control.  They result in an enjoyable experience in a controlled environment for lots of people. In an adult, mature relationship, the participants need to be able to think and make decisions based on living in a complex and changing environment.  Rules only set the stage for constant violations, negotiations about “exceptions to the rules”, and disagreement about how to enforce the rules.
A relationship based on a mutually agreed upon core values and principles can endure the challenges of life without the rigid reward and punishment scenarios that rules impose.

I think the only rule I saw that gave me pause was the one regarding single friends. If anything, I’d rather the single friends come to our home rather than the opposite but this is because of my relationship and our status. When you’re established in your marriage rules such as these probably aren’t necessary, but I think it’s very important to let it be known what your expectations are (on both sides) early on. Rules, like most things in relationships, should be based on the individuals and not generalized because no two unions are the same. I know that I want to set a certain tone for our relationship early on so we have less problems in the future. Like, the coming home before midnight rule- to me it makes sense. I have brother-in-laws, and even my own husband, have tended to take advantage of not having an appropriate time to be back home. No man should be out with his friends past 1 maybe even 2 on the weekends, and unless work related, he should be home between 7-10 during the week. A man cannot be gone all hours of the night with a wife and kids at home, and that ties into the single friend area because single men live in a different world. They don’t answer to anyone but themselves and this tends to cause problems if the husband doesn’t know how to say no aka prioritize. I don’t mind single friends, but the spouse in question must have some sense in order to deal with the “dynamics” of that relationship. Oh, and no opposite sex friends. If they were nonsexual friends before the relationship then ok, but even then, I’d rather not have that issue in our marriage and that goes for both of us. Opposite sex friends bother me because you never know their true intentions and besides, I don’t want another woman knowing our business the same way I’d assume he wouldn’t want another man knowing his.

I personally believe that to impose “rules” speak to the lack of communication, trust, and maturity of  a relationship.  As a committed partner, some things are just a no-no, not because THEY said so, just because you love them and know right from wrong and inappropriate behavior.  All roads lead back to character, morals, and values.  I find the golden rule is best…..”treat people the way YOU want to be treated”…(I know, I know…common sense isn’t that common)…

Rules sound like being one’s parent, which isn’t what I want our relationship to be about. However, when one acts like a child, and doesn’t listen to your request, rules sound good. My husband has a bad habit of eating in the bed, and it became so irritating, I simply told him “no more eating in the bed”. When I came to this conclusion, in my mind, it was a rule, but I’m not his mother, and there’s no particular consequences. I just ask that he respect my wishes, as I respect him.

The single friends and friends of the opposite sex thing sounds more of an insecurity issue. You should be able to trust your spouse. Isolating them from the opposite sex isn’t going to do anything but cause issues and possibly resentment. You can shield them from the rest of the world. That’s not only impossible, it’s selfish too.

I like the rule of not letting the sun beat you home. I think it’s all about respect. Relationships should have love, trust, and respect, bottom line.

I don’t believe in rules but thier is an unspoken law of respect that we follow. We are very aware and communicate what respect is to us as individuals so why not have that dame respect for each other and the relationship! Some of these rules are flat out over doing it but you are correct in saying that if two people are “right” for each other then why such a bizarre list of rules.

Many people will say communication is the most important attribute to a relationship but I believe its trust. In situations like these, I need to trust that you have heard, accepted and mutually believe in my ideas of respect so you will not intentionally do anything that disrespects me, our family, our home and ultimately this life that we have built with one another.

Rules can easily be manipulated and as a woman the only male child I want to set rules for are ny children.