Can You Protect Your Spouse From Cheating?

Comments (35)

1. 

   David Hutchinson Monday - 15 / 08 / 2011 Reply

   That was an interesting take on fidelity. I have always believed that there is a person out there who if you or your spouse were in the right situation at the time you would succumb(sp) to desire and just do it. I imagined marriage was like eating your favorite chocolate chip cookies and milk everyday and eventually you'd try a new flavor. My spouse tried a new flavor and lost her mind. She even left the kids. When you get married you have to develop a sense of trust, mutual interest and responsibility. Love is a combination of those factors. GOD has put out there diseases, strange people and situations that should caution you from making an infidelitous mistake. If you are mindful of those causes you should consider the cost of ruining your relationship. After you've broken it, it will never be the same, there will be doubt and mistrust always. you will be lying in bed listening to "Your bodies here with me, but your mind is on the other side of town, messin' around" in your head. Even one time is enough to put a crack of doubt in everything. In this case I would spring for divorce for adultery. There can always be a second chance after you've excommunicated yourself from your ex or just free them and forgive as GOD commanded you to, but don't forget.
   • 

     Lisa Morrison Tuesday - 16 / 08 / 2011 Reply

     When something is my favorite and I grow tired of eating it, I simply stop eating it but I do not try other items to replace my favorite. I hope the day comes when you can ask your wife to honestly say what made the idea of being with someone else so appealing. I'll bet she will tell you that it was a fantasy she'd created in her mind about him. Rarely do people live up to our expectations; the 80/20 rule.
     • 

       Anonymous Tuesday - 16 / 08 / 2011 Reply

       Thank You. How perceptive you are. She did in fact give me the fantasy excuse. She read those Black girlfriend novels and wrote erotic poetry and did not express she was venting. She joined a social site, Tagged, and became Passion H. I suggested she was going too far and she got off the site. She flirted dangerously with co workers. Lied about working late and going out with girlfriends. She got in too deep with one affair and it turned out to be abusive. I was running on trust and that she said she'd take care of the situation. It turned out she was going with a thug/gangster who is controlling her. She left home abruptly and keeps her address a secret. When she comes to see the kids she leaves about 8pm as if her new massa wants her home at a certain time. This situation was just like one of her slutty novels and shes crying about her situation wishing she could come home or just have peace of mind. Every day I am adjusting and understanding that if she didn't have the self control to respect the fact she was married she wasn't the one for me after 20 years. She setting a bad example for my 16 year old daughter and my son is just indifferent towards her. All in all infidelity ruins lives. She was a church girl so I trusted her upbringing and forgave and forgave indisgressions as GOD commands. She took advantage and allowed herself to be compromised. Me, I was all about the kids and home. I worked came home, cooked, ect. I took the kids to their events and was there for the awards. She was rarely there. I was home waiting for her to arrive. I did what I thought was best I just didn't marry the best woman for me.
       • 

         blackprofessor Tuesday - 16 / 08 / 2011 Reply

         Your story is so tragic! What a shame that your wife didn't appreciate what she had before it was too late.  I hope you meet a woman who appreciates the man you are. 
       • 

         Tiya Wednesday - 17 / 08 / 2011 Reply

         David, thanks for sharing your story. I am saddened to hear of your situation. It sounds like you did everything right. Stay encouraged and don't give up on love. You said it well, you just didn't marry the best woman for you, but I am sure there is one out there.
2. 

   Guest Monday - 15 / 08 / 2011 Reply

   Women know other women & men sometimes miss pertinent cues.  There have been times when I had to tell my partner that he needs to keep his distance from certain people.  He didn't always listen & sure enough they owuld make a move on him & he found himself in avoidable situation.  I'm not going to police my man & his activities because his loyalty to our relationship is between him & his God.  He'll be held accountable for his actions & I for mine.  He found himself in too many situation & didn't always resist, needless to say I sent him back out into the world to deal with those that he deemed more important than his marriage. 
3. 

   Sighhhhhhh Monday - 15 / 08 / 2011 Reply

   I needed this right now. It's a good question. Yes we are responsible for each other, but one has to make an individual decision to be strong. The world will always tempt us, but in cheating on me, you are cheating yourself, from the greater good which is US.  If "I'm a movement by myself, but I'm a Force when we're together...'cuz you make me better" to use a hip-hop reference, lol, then why not build and celebrate that? Protect that? There is sooo much to deal with in the world. Why not allow your person to be all that they want to be for you, if they are open, and willing? God is the solution, prayer..."Lead us NOT into Temptation, and Deliver US from ALL Evil.." is a powerful prayer and Must be taken seriously to live within a committed relationship/marriage. And yes I believe it's also my responsibility to take care of my man's needs but if he wants everyone else anyway....? what can you do? Thank you for the post.
4. 

   Briana Myricks Monday - 15 / 08 / 2011 Reply

   Some people say "protect", I say stalking lol. Honestly, you should be able to trust your spouse to not cheat. Otherwise, you're going to be exhausted checking up on every little thing as if they're a child, and they'll end up resenting you. Pray about it, talk about it, but do not hawk over your significant other. That sends the signal that they can't think/act on their own accord, and really, who wants to marry someone who can't make decisions on their own?
5. 

   Mrs. M.D. Rich Monday - 15 / 08 / 2011 Reply

   If you put God first in your life, although temptations may come, you will be able to make the right decision. People tend to use temptation as an excuse. We will all be tempted by something, but it's up to you to make the right choices. I will not follow or monitor my husbands movements. When you do that, that is a sign of no trust. Without trust, there isn't a real relationship.  So the answer to the question for me is he will have to make his own decisions and in making them no that with every action is a reaction! Will the consequences really have been worth it???
6. 

   AngD Monday - 15 / 08 / 2011 Reply

    I agree that women know women and in some instances a(I) wife can warn her(my) husband of some women. But from the words of my cousin..."If I have to babysit him, he really isn't mine".
7. 

   Phil Turner Jr Monday - 15 / 08 / 2011 Reply

   As a relationship coach who deals with this issue every day, I find myself asking both men and women, pastors and first ladies, deacons and missionaries, the following: "So, where were you when all of this was happening?" I mean, there were very close relationships being established between people of the opposite sex and the spouse was not aware because they was not involved in their lives. When I hear “I’m not going to babysit my spouse” what you are saying is that you do not believe in preventing a disaster. To me is like taking precautions just as you would with the flu shot.   I don’t believe in checking emails, phones or staking their every move. I believe you should be aware of who of the opposite sex is constantly around them and make yourself known in that environment especially work if possible. Protect your mate!!!!!   What starts infidelity is intimate conversations or aligned interests. Before becoming a coach, I have cheated, and I’ve been cheated on!!!! It hurt me so bad that I lost almost 30 pounds. Guess what? I've learned since then that I was not meeing her needs of presence and attention and shared in my own pain. Additionally, I knew that there were close conversations but had this trust factor and ignored my gut. When something bad occurred in her life and I was traveling, I wasn’t there but he was and it doesn’t matter what is your religious status. It happened and can happen to you too. It was the same for me and when I cheated. She was not involved in my life and was not there.   You may believe that you would never cheat but so did the woman who cheated with me and the people who I see everyday. Trust your spouse but take precautions by protecting them from those who become attached just by the friendship or those who seek to come between the relationship by making kind gestures. They are all around you and it can happen if you do not take precaution. Again. Protect your mate!!!!
   • 

     Lisa Morrison Tuesday - 16 / 08 / 2011 Reply

     I have to agree with you by needing to ask, "where were you when this was happening?" Outside of a one night stand, nothing just happens. An affair is usually well planned and orchestrated to remain a secret. When a spouse has time to do all of that someone somewhere is not attending to the other. Being present is necessary in any relationship. We need to show up for marriage like we show up for work; well dressed, on time and prepared to contribute.
   • 

     Tiya Wednesday - 17 / 08 / 2011 Reply

     Thank you Phil, great comment. Here's where I struggle with this, as adults we are quite aware when something is missing. When we don't feel like our spouse is there or feel that we just might be vulnerable, another main ingredient of a great relationship should take place, communication. If I ever feel neglected or just need that extra attention, conversation or intimacy from spouse, the very first thing I am going to do is tell him and give him the opportunity to be more present in my life before I allow someone else to fill that void. I believe we are always in control of our actions and we don't have to give in to temptations or make excuses for giving in to those temptations. I do agree that sometimes we make pick up on things our spouse may not see and then yes of course we should speak up. But other than that, we have to take accountability for our actions and make the right decisions even in tough or tempting situations. We are better and stronger than that.
   • 

     Sonnermom55 Tuesday - 01 / 11 / 2011 Reply

     Well said Mr. Turner!
8. 

   La8268 Monday - 15 / 08 / 2011 Reply

   This is very interesting to me... I have been married twice, and though I have experienced having a cheating spouse I could never assume the responsibility to overseeing my significant other's friendships to keep them from cheating. As adults, we have to make adult choices and be responsible for our own individual actions.
9. 

   Anonymous Monday - 15 / 08 / 2011 Reply

   Thank You for confirming I'm not crazy. I want to trust you and not worry about weather you are going to be tempted by someone else. If you don't come home and occassionally tell me you are glad to with me then there is something going on or you just might need a wake up call to honor your spouse.
10. 

    TheImageCoach Tuesday - 16 / 08 / 2011 Reply

    Hmmm...interesting question. After reading many of the responses, I think you CAN help your spouse avoid trouble, but only if they WANT to avoid it. I too have called my spouse to attention over behavior I felt was inappropriate - both the advances of other women and what I felt were his lukewarm responses to them. I feel strongly that if someone steps to a married person (especially if they KNOW this person is married) and makes a romantic or sexual advance, they should be shut down with a quickness, and not gently either. If I feel my husband's response was not clear or direct enough, I will tell him so. He says he has no doubts about me - because I've shut things down in a clear and unmistakable manner. Will I "help" him avoid cheating? If by that you mean 'pulling his coat tail' when I see someone gunning for him and he seems oblivious? Yes I will. His reaction determines where it goes from there.
    • 

      Phil Turner Jr Tuesday - 16 / 08 / 2011 Reply

      Hi TheImageCoach, I understand your point. It has been my experience that if we consider whether or not they want to is not the key. I believe that I’ve heard every excuse under the sun for the ‘Whys” behind cheating but know one thing: Unless there are behavior issues, infidelity is a matter of unmet needs. I’ve received so much push back on this matter from clients in those cases until each of their responses were challenged. Both parties must taking responsibility. You see, a man or woman only WANTs their 6 human needs met. Cheating is only a vehicle to meeting at least four or maybe 5 of them in a distorted way. It is a must that all humans meet these needs and never underestimate this desire. For what other reason would a person risk everything, career, family, money and reputation? For what other reason would a person risk everything, career, family, money and reputation? This is how powerful these needs are. Once there is clarity about these needs and what they mean, a couple can create a renewed relationship with those principles in mind. But there is a stipulation that if this happens again, the consequences are clear. Some take the approach that it is over but I share with them the role they played and many have changed their minds. For what other reason would a person risk everything, career, family, money and reputation? This is how powerful these needs are.   Once there is clarity about these needs and what they mean, a couple can create a renewed relationship with those principles in mind. But there is a stipulation that if this happens again, the consequences are clear. Some take the approach that it is over but I share with them the role they played and many have changed their minds.
    • 

      JF Tuesday - 16 / 08 / 2011 Reply

      I totally understand this point! You sound just like my wife, haha. Sometimes you just know more about the advances and nature of your sex than your partner and to give them a 'heads up' about something that doesn't feel right is fine, is great, it's just information. There have been times when I don't notice when something is inappropriate or an advance and my wife will tell me how it looks to her, or 'how some women operate', which cool because that just gives me more understanding. I don't agree with a partner being paranoid or suspect about everyone/interaction and wanting to make you operate that way, but that's another topic.
11. 

    Anonymous Tuesday - 16 / 08 / 2011 Reply

    In a perfect world you shouldn't have to worry about your spouse because marriage is a legal contract with consequences that most times compensates the injured party. (usually the woman) Remember children are part of the sordid story in a broken marriage. There is much to consider before you jump into the cheating pool.
12. 

    Wendy M. Tuesday - 16 / 08 / 2011 Reply

    I agree, it's not up to us to keep them from doing so. Also, If there is no trust, then, it only makes it that much harder to have healthy marriage.
13. 

    StealthGenie Tuesday - 16 / 08 / 2011 Reply

    Well written article! I totally agree that trust is that one ingredient that keeps every relation alive and going. Evil and negative thought do come up but if you truly love someone you’d be considerate and faithful.
    • 

      Tiya Wednesday - 17 / 08 / 2011 Reply

      Thank you!
14. 

    Taunia Teel Tuesday - 16 / 08 / 2011 Reply

    While I beleive it is the responsibiliy of each individual to manage their behavior in marriage, I also understand Phil's point in the 6 basic needs of an individual. There are certain things one needs to live a happy and productive life.  Hopefully by the time we have decided to "jump the broom" and got into covenant with God and our spouse, we have matured and exercised our demons (so to speak). No one can make you whole or happy, those are things within each of us. We make a conscious decision in those matters. If you are in the mindset that someone will come in and fulfill all of your needs, you are mistaken. Some people will never be happy.  If they had  money problems and won 10 million bucks they would find some fault in it. All too often we are wounded birds floating from one relationship to another before we are healed and whole to be a good partner for someone. Notice I said partner, each one taking rsponsibility in the nurturing and growth of the relationship. That is the exact opposite of reliance of all of you needs resting in the lap of a person. If you want to be hapy  you need not look any further than your 4 walls. Feelings are fleeting from day to day and circumstance to circumstance. Dont make life altering changes based on that. Show me someone that cheats WITH  you and you  will find someone that will cheat ON you. Its a character flaw. Its about perception and how we manage personal accountability. marriage isnt for the faint at heart. It takes work and flexibility. If you dont have trust you dont have much at all.
15. 

    JF Tuesday - 16 / 08 / 2011 Reply

    (This is long, feel free to skip)   This is a great topic because once we delve deeper we are forced to beg more questions, questions that will reveal a lot of the unsaid. My answer for this may seem a bit vague or not really direct, but I feel, depending upon the situation, the answer is a yes and a no…   I feel you cannot keep your partner from cheating if they are a cheater, a cheater by nature and character. That’s a person that no matter how much you nag, watch over them, supervise, babysit etc, they WILL cheat. Honestly, sometimes it isn’t the other person at all that ‘causes’ it or ‘creates the environment for this to happen’. I’ve heard stories of models, people making great money etc that treat their partners great, but the other person still cheats. Some people, I believe, are cheaters and there’s really no getting around that.  I feel if someone, mainly women, feels the need to ‘keep’ their partner from cheating, then you should leave that relationship. Some people are in relationships with people that they know are cheaters, have cheater potential/character, but they feel they can somehow keep them ‘good’. This is a lose-lose situation. So, in this respect I will say that the answer is no, you cannot keep someone from cheating.   Now…   We are quick to say that ‘we are all adults here’ and attempt to absolve ourselves of any responsibility to our partners, but I think we need to realize that we do owe our partners and have a great responsibility to the partner. Yes, we (the individual) will make the final decision to cheat and that is the ultimate responsibility, but we need to recognize that marriage/committed relationships  take two people and that, in fact, sometimes the partner will ‘create an environment where cheating is possible’. I’ve gotten backlash for this, but this is just what I feel. I feel some people place their partners in the arms of another.   A relationship may seem great and you feel you don’t get attracted to others or advances from others mean nothing. Great, but relations may not always be like this. We can’t forget to consider the fact that we are human, we may get attracted to others, and others may turn us on in different or new ways. These feelings are natural. I feel if we teach that there is a problem if we feel this way, we are setting ourselves up for a bigger failure. It is only when we understand these things that we truly know how to handle them. Sometimes we get caught up in a bad spot in a relationship that we don’t realize when we are recognizing more from others. By this I mean:  When everything was good, flirting from others and looks didn’t register, but when you feel neglected or unsatisfied then you notice the looks and smiles and nice comments and they start to ‘mean’ more to you. This is where a problem can grow because you don’t notice this happening. TD Jakes said when you create space between yourself and your partner, this is the space where the devil will play (paraphrasing). To be happy in a relationship, you must be a happy person first, true. But, we must remember to consider our partners needs and wants, not just a partner, but our general and natural needs for affection, love, attention etc. I’ve seen people totally disregard and neglect their partners needs/wants and then place full blame when the other cheats or overly flirts etc. The best way to counter this is to talk, be open, be aware of what you feel and know when something feels wrong, consider and sincerely care about your partners needs/wants. This is what a lot of relationship building work is about, that connection, recognition, respect, regard, consideration.   I’ve written too much and want to say so much more. I’m sorry, but Tiya always seems to write on something that gets me going, haha, great job sista!   JF
    • 

      Tiya Wednesday - 17 / 08 / 2011 Reply

      Thanks JF. I totally agree, with  "The best way to counter this is to talk, be open, be aware of what you feel and know when something feels wrong, consider and sincerely care about your partners needs/wants. This is what a lot of relationship building work is about, that connection, recognition, respect, regard, consideration." Each spouse is responsible for clearly communicating those needs/wants and sometimes you may have to give a reminder before you decide to cheat.  
      • 

        Anonymous Wednesday - 17 / 08 / 2011 Reply

        When your spouse is creepin' do you really expect to get the truth when you engage him/her. I asked questions and got lies until her conscience got to her. Just expect lies. However if you do cheat I would suggest you keep it to yourself and try to remove yourself or go all out and go for broke and commit adultery.
16. 

    Anonymous Tuesday - 16 / 08 / 2011 Reply

    I will not make excuses for spouses who cheat. No matter how enjoyable the flirting is they must remember they are in an exclusive contract. If you flirt or have an affair you arew breaking a contract with spiritual and legal consequences. If you aren't happy protect yourself and state unreconcilable differences and break off the relationship. Trial separations don't work. Thats like letting the cat out at night and letting the cat back in in the morning. Either you are married or you are not. If your spouse goes out for an adventure and comes back repentant even if they are sincere the chance of an STD is very possible. STD's  might not show up for years down the road. And can you really be certain they have really broken it off, the most important factor of a relationship, TRUST, is constantly in question or entirely lost. If so the it is over and not worth the stress and badgering you might inflict.
17. 

    Rubygriffin36 Wednesday - 17 / 08 / 2011 Reply

    Ladies,if y'all are focus on your spouse every move,when will y'all have time to focus on you....if you don't have trust or respect or unconditionaly love for self so,now wonder why your spouse cheating on you...you can be that perfect wife but some thing you just can't control...if a men going to cheat he will ,if not he want..yes,but ladies,don't push him over the cliff...if he say he's not cheating,believe him,if so you don't have to look for him or protect him from another...cause God will put his business all out there on front street for you and the world to see,,so don't go seeking let it find you...all you got to be is a lady,and remain a ladies...Ladies,will y'all just be a wife to y'all husband and stop working over-time on drama on he say,she say situation or stop putting your business out there between you and your spouse to ya'll girlfriend,and wonder why my spouse don't do this or don't do that...yes, you can protect your spouse from cheating...just shut up...when it come to you and your men business...it's just that simple..no more or no less...
18. 

    Rasaan Jay Tuesday - 04 / 10 / 2011 Reply

    There is a saying I've always liked and tried to employ in my life, "Let go and let God." No matter if that God is Jah, Jesus, The Divine, The Most High, Truth, Ma'at, or any other thing. Our biggest mistake in life is thinking that we Control something. So when it goes your way, you think you DID something. And when it doesn't go your way you think you can CONTROL something.  The reason you get married, I feel, is to Let Go and Let god. If someone cheats, sure it will hurt, hurt like hell, but you pick yourself up and you walk on. I admire Brother David's courage and strength in his situation. No man, women or child can make a CHOICE for another person. They choose their own path. We can only Hope that it will be in the same direction as ours. Everyone is here to find their own Destiny. You can't control their Will you can only decide what you will accept or not, thank them for the experiences and do your best to move forward.  Sure it's hard but you're being here breathing is the result of 9 months of hard work. So Let Go and Let God!    
19. 

    Dholley07 Tuesday - 01 / 11 / 2011 Reply

    I think no, but I know a lot of people that may need to remind themselves that they took vowel for better or worst and remember what that meant when they said I Do. I know a lot of marriages that have a lot of infidelity and I'm not going to let that ruin mybinterpretation of what I think marriage is suppose to be.vie been with the same person for years and we are now at the point we are ready to make that commitment with bumps in the road and three kids later so.
20. 

    Landscapist Tuesday - 01 / 11 / 2011 Reply

    Yes, once you lie when will it stop?  And if you have to lie down with satan why have them lay on your satin sheets?  I tell everyone about what my 1st wife thought and that was she, thought the grass was greener on the other side and found out that it was astroturf. 
21. 

    David Hutchinson Tuesday - 01 / 11 / 2011 Reply

    Vows don't mean a damn thing unless they are written on your heart and soul. Unfortunately you can't tell whats written in your spouses heart or what their intentions are. I still believe there is someone out there who will absolutely blow your mind and make you forsake all of your good intentions. There is the one out there. You have to be ready to forgive when the affair is new or look at the situation as being impossible (looking realistically at the stiuation) and moving on. I forgave a few times, I glossed over a few times. I wanted boring reliable peace and compromise in my marriage and thought she wanted likewise. I predicted it and she met the one and regretted it after living in my house for a year and a half and leaving (her home, children and husband) for 4 months catering to a Black Gorilla Family gang memeber). I don't want her back but we still talk. She has issues and I don't want to be a party to them now. I'm ready to move on. (The kids and me are ready to move on) She comes by but has to return to her apartment. 
22. 

    David Hutchinson Tuesday - 01 / 11 / 2011 Reply

    In September her apartment was raided by the police, guns drawn and ripping up stuff, looking for her thug man. She's breathing a sigh of relief and exhibits a new found freedom but still has to return to her apartment unable to spend a late stay or spend the night. She's still shady.
23. 

    Desiree Saturday - 17 / 12 / 2011 Reply

    Tiya - I loved the article and I was also just pondering after reading David's story. I think that I have to disagree somewhat because I think there is a place for accountability in marriage. I agree with you that no one should have to run around being Inspector Gadget; chasing down your spouse; and tracking their every move. But, in most marriages, your spouse knows the more about you than any other person (the good and the bad)....so because of that bond, I think there is room to be able to say, "Baby, I'm struggling in this area" or "Honey, can you help me out in that area." It shouldn't become an extra chore to check off the list, but when needed, I think being an accountability partner to your spouse can be a powerful tool for transparency and honesty to flow, which could facilitate a closer bond in the union. You feel what I'm saying? -Desiree www.thelovejourney.com