The Blessing Of Marital Sex, Part 2
By Rev. Tacuma S. Johnson and Dr. Michelle T. Johnson
Dr. Michelle Johnson writes: In Part One of “Let’s Talk about More than Sin and Hell: Promoting the Blessing of Marital Sex,” I said that God blesses marital sex, unlike premarital sex. Therefore, not only should we talk about the sin of premarital sex, but we should also talk about the blessing of marital sex. After the last post, a few readers suggested ways to broaden the discussion, namely by offering more insight for male readers. I heard you brothers! No problem. It’s only fitting for my hubby/pastor to add his voice to the conversation since we are partners in this journey. Below is Part Two from a man’s perspective.
In many cultures, premarital sex is like a rite of passage into manhood. Boys are encouraged to develop their “game” so they can win over girls’ hearts and bodies. Men are supposed to have sex with women—several women. Safe sex should be practiced, but if you end up in a situation where you can’t practice safe sex, you can practice the timing method. At least that is what society tells us, and that is what I heard growing up. Similar to my wife, who stated in the previous article that she made some premarital mistakes, I too made mistakes. So, I’m writing from the perspective of having experienced the good and the bad.
First, let’s talk about the good. For men, one of the blessings of sex inside of the covenant of marriage is the possibility of experiencing what I like to call “real release,” which is the expression of sexual energy, life purpose, and freedom within the will of God. Sexual desire for a lot of men feels like a physical attraction combined with the tension of a roaring river pressing against a levee that will not stop until the damn breaks. As boys grow into men and they begin to encounter this raging river within them, the culture says the proper outlet is premarital sex, which, as we know only offers a temporary and shallow physical release.
In marriage, however, real release means that I can express sexual energy, life purpose, and freedom in ways that honor my wife, obey God, and satisfy me. I love the fact that, according to God, my wife’s body belongs to me, which means I can reach for her while she’s sleeping, peek at her while she’s undressing, and lovingly grope her while she’s cooking. I can even make requests, give suggestions, and change the game, knowing that what I am saying and doing is all right and alright with God, as long as we stay within our vows and respect each others’ feelings. This is far better than trying to hook-up after a date or sneaking off to watch something ungodly on television or on the computer. What’s equally important is that I can express my insecurities, fears, and vulnerabilities in a context that leaves me feeling more like a man rather than less. My wife doesn’t clown me by saying, “You ain’t *@#%!. . . You call yourself a man? . . . I can get somebody better than you.” That nonsense has no place in marriage.
As a man, when I experience real release with the woman God has given to me, it feels like God is giving me dap, a high five. He’s saying, “That’s my boy right there, in him I am well pleased.” It feels good knowing that I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing and that God gives me the authority and the ability to “have my way” in the flesh as long as it doesn’t degrade my wife. When I experience real release in marriage, I work better, parent better, live better, and I certainly preach better.
With that said, brothers, real release has to extend beyond the physical. Sexual pleasure and life purpose have a symbiotic relationship. No matter how much you do or don’t have sex, if you are not living up to your full potential, on purpose and every day, you will always feel inadequate –inside and outside of bed. The good news is that the wife God gives you is gifted and equipped by God in the art of real release. The Bible says a man who finds a wife finds a good thing. Why? Because he finds his help mate, his partner, not a subordinate servant, who helps him channel the raging river into the marriage bed and into his life’s work. The woman on the side, the girlfriend, or the one-night-stand is neither equipped nor gifted in the art of real release in your life. God hasn’t and will never bless her so she can adequately help you release anything other than physical matter.
Now here is what I know for sure about the bad. Engaging in premarital sex, and all of the games, wrong thinking, and manipulation that go along with it, twists up your mind and spirit. You associate sex with lies, mistrust, trickery, conquest, and selfishness. You cannot avoid it because that’s the way the game is played—by men and women. So when the time comes to experience real release in a real relationship with the woman God prepared for you, you can’t do it. That’s why even in the context of marriage, many couples experience a sex life based on manipulation, quid pro quo, and selfishness. We got that from doing it the wrong way first. Marriage is already difficult. Why complicate it even more by purposely carrying extra baggage into it?
I understand that real release for some husbands is problematic due to ED (erectile dysfunction). I have counseled men who struggle with this issue, and it’s no joke. I’m no medical doctor, but I have learned that ED is not usually a biological problem only—there is an emotional and spiritual component to it. I am convinced that many men carry generations of backed up emotional and spiritual baggage, huge levels of performance anxiety, a general mistrust of women, and unacknowledged levels of stress and pressure from a host of sources, not the least is money and employment problems. What I have learned is that real release in some of these other areas can unblock the flow of sexual energy in men and have a biological impact, in addition to whatever medical interventions may be helpful.
Finally, my wife and I want to offer some encouragement to married couples who are struggling to enjoy sex within their marriages. God can and will equip you and your spouse to experience true intimacy and blind-blowing sex, if and only if you turnover your hang-ups, your individual wills, and your baggage to Him. He can do miraculous things when a husband and a wife come into agreement about living and loving Him first, and each other second. So, the first thing you have to do is to decide if you are desperate enough to do what is necessary and what is right to have a marriage blessed by God in every way, even between the sheets.
We know every marriage is different and every person is different. The key to enjoying the blessings of marital sex isn’t a one-size-fits all type of process. There is no doubt in our minds, however, that what is the same is God’s hand, God’s power, and God’s desire to knit a husband and wife together – spiritually, emotionally, and physically – so that nothing can tear them apart. Isn’t that a blessing?
Thank you for reading and sharing so freely with us. We treasure all of your comments and look forward to responding to you in the comment section. What more do you think needs to be done to promote the blessing of marital sex in our culture? What other sex, faith, and relationship topics are on your mind?
Dr. Michelle Johnson is the founder of Alabaster Woman Ministries, an online international women’s ministry, where she blogs, produces online Bible studies, and an online radio show. She also writes a bi-weekly marriage column for an online Christian women’s magazine. She is married to Rev. Tacuma Johnson who serves as the pastor of Greater First United Baptist Church in High Point, NC. A part of their ministry is to help build and restore marriages through counseling, workshops, and retreats that offer fresh, thought-provoking, and honest insight into sex, love, and relationships.
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