Fellas, Do You Have “Husband Ears”?

Relationships

by BMWK Staff | on October 4th, 2011 | 9 comments

by Charli Penn-Watkins (http://manwifeanddog.com/)

As women, we can and often do talk a lot about what we want and need done in our homes, our careers, and especially our marriages. Some of us more than others, but either way, communicating is most likely what we women tend to do best. That said, is the man in your life really listening, I wonder?

You see, the other day I asked my husband how he could forget to grab chocolate chip cookies from Subway when the last thing I said when I left him inside to go next door to Blockbuster was “don’t forget my cookies” and the rest of the conversation went a little something like this:

MAN: Cookies!?! Baby, I didn’t hear you say that.
WIFE: But you responded “ok” and nodded like you heard me.
MAN: Yeah, but I had my “husband ears” turned on then.
WIFE: What the hell are husband ears?
MAN: It’s a form of selective hearing we men often use for survival. We tune out most of what you’re saying and listen for key words like, “bills,” “sex,” “trouble,” or “help.”
WIFE: I’m absolutely speechless. So that’s the problem?

“Husband ears” he says, huh? It does explain why I’m always repeating myself, but it doesn’t justify him getting so angry when I do. If you’re tuning me out, how can you be bothered when I have to go on, and on, and on? What does he think will happen?

I won’t lie, I started thinking about what life would be like if I turned on my “wife ears” and what words I’d filter out and which I’d listen out for. For starters, I’d never hear the words “cooking”, “laundry”, or “grab me a beer” again. I’d be sure to never miss “shopping” or “extra cash” – ha! Wouldn’t that be nice?

Ladies, have you had a similar conversation with your husband? Fellas, do “husband ears” really exist? Is there a place for this technique in a marriage?

Charli Penn-Watkins is the blogger behind Man, Wife & Dog. A newlywed that’s blogging her way through all the ups and downs of marriage, Charli is also the relationships editor on Essence.com. Check her out on Twitter at @ManWifeDog.

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Comments (9)

Tessmonique Tuesday - 04 / 10 / 2011 Reply

Been married almost 8 years. and Oh yea mine does. Literally repeat something I said 30 seconds b4. When I can still remember little things he said when we were 16, its super frustrating for me. lol
Reginald Williams Tuesday - 04 / 10 / 2011 Reply

While this story is true for the writer this is one more of those narratives that continue to forge wedges in this entire concept of marriage. My wife and I have been in the field of marriage education for the past 8 years and have literally traveled much of the country facilitating workshops. Plain and simple selective hearing is a marital problem and not a specific gender problem. While the article spoke to the truth of the authro and it may and will speak to some of the reader's truth - please let's not recklessly and dangerously extrapolate this into a lone gender. But for those husbands who do have husband ears here is an article that speaks to this. http://ruleyourwife316.com/2011/01/20/blah-blah-blah-im-not-listening/
- Nicole Denise83 Wednesday - 05 / 10 / 2011 Reply
  
  I dont think it was the author's intention that the concept be solely applied to men. Rather, she used an example from her own marriage to open the discussion as to what occurs in other marriages and how it plays out. At the end of her discussion, she poses several questions, including, "Do you turn your 'wife ears' on'? Is there a place for this technique in a marriage?" Her conclusion makes it pretty clear that the selective hearing does go both ways and can be an issue for both genders. She doesn't single herself out as having that issue because she provides that she is a good listener but also probably struggles with other weaknesses that are bothersome to her husband. I've been reading her blog for awhile and I cannot think of a time she has ever attributed a marital issue to just one gender. I think you just may have misunderstand the overall message she was attempting to convey.
Shelly Wednesday - 05 / 10 / 2011 Reply

I wish husband ears existed in my home. My doggone husband listens to EVERYTHING and wants to discuss EVERYTHING!!!!
Michelle Chaney Wednesday - 05 / 10 / 2011 Reply

I have been married only 9 months and I thought it was just my husband lol. Glad to know there are some seasoned wives on here going thru the same thing. Great Article. I just love this website. I read it everyday. It is really helping me navigate thru some things I go thru being a newlywed.
- Tara Pringle Jefferson Wednesday - 05 / 10 / 2011 Reply
  
  @Michelle - Glad to have you here! :)
Beth Mimi Johnson Wednesday - 05 / 10 / 2011 Reply

Thank you Reginald, I did see that episode of "What Would You Do?" and was so angry he wasn't listening to his wife, I couldn't believe it either. My husband & I have been married for 25 years and he absolutely has "Husband Ears" I thought it was just me and me being not interesting enough to pay attention to, but I see it's an epidemic! :) So, how do you change this?? [hmmmmm....]. And Shelly, be glad your Husband communicates with you in that manner, because I think that is a lot of what the ladies that Husbands don't listen are striving for, me included. .
- Reginald Williams Wednesday - 05 / 10 / 2011 Reply
  
  I wish we could discuss it with a simple answer through a post reply, but the changing - which will require a different behavior in you as well as him, is much too extensive for this forum. Hit me up on email and I'll see if I have some material that directly addresses that.
Charli Penn Wednesday - 05 / 10 / 2011 Reply

I'm thrilled my piece touched on some "familiar territory" for so many of you. Thanks for sharing Black and Married With Kids!!