Art of Love Relationship Series Recap: Who You Are Affects Your Love Life
The guest expert was Dr. Helen Fisher who is a biological anthropologist who has conducted extensive research on the evolution and future of human sexuality, love, marriage, gender differences in the brain and how your personality types shapes who you are and who you love.
Dr. Fisher shared a great deal of wisdom on why it’s important to understand why we love the way we do. She says just by looking at the words people use tells us what type of person they are. In our relationships, using this knowledge puts us in a better position to accommodate our partners. She also provided great feedback on how we should communicate with our spouses. Dr. Fisher recommends when communicating during challenging times in your partnership to get in the habit of saying 5 good things to someone for every bad thing you say.
What I found most interesting during this webisode are the 4 personality types Dr. Fisher describes. As she went into detail on each one, one in particular described me perfectly. Read below to see if you can spot yourself and your partner.
Explorer
The explorers are risk takers who are spontaneous and seek experiences. She describes them further as sensation seeking with many interests. They are curious people who are also enthusiastic, optimistic, independent and self-reliant. The explorers often don’t follow rules unless the rules make sense. This is the type of person to go into the bar and buy everyone a drink. Also depicted as generous, open-minded and mentally flexible. They are also idea-generators, verbal and numerical creatives who happen to be quite charismatic. Explorers love to learn and love experiences.
When in a relationship with an explorer, keep these thoughts in mind:
• Not always comfortable sharing how they’re feeling or what they’re thinking. It’s best to bring up a difficult conversation in smaller portions. They work best with quick dialogue
• Susceptible to boredom and can be at times reckless and unreflective
• Looks outward not inward; it’s always the other person
• Not always as empathetic as everyone else
• Occasionally opportunistic and unpredictable
Builder
The builder is the opposite of the explorer. They are more conventional and comforting and don’t mind doing the same thing every week. They need stability. Dr. Fisher suggested that occasionally the explorer and builder need each other. Builders are calm, less emotionally intense, stoic and frugal. Because of these qualities they make good managers. They tend to be orderly and like routines and schedules. Sometimes you’ll find they are persistent, fact oriented, uses concrete thinking and are more social. Builders are concerned with status and have a need to belong. They respect authority, follow the rules and are very loyal. The majority of builders are highly spiritual. They have real values/fixed values and are harm-avoidant.
When in a relationship with a builder, keep these thoughts in mind:
• They are more close minded because they are used to a certain way of doing things
• They can be controlling and rigid because they have a structure
• Can be stubborn and moralistic
• Wants to be respected
• Builders need the familiar when having a deep talk with them
Director
The director is expressive, analytical and logical. They tend to be very good at music. Directors have the ability to see the structure. They are inventive, experimental, daring, demonstrate strategic intelligence and are competitive. They happen to be aware of rank and are emotionally contained. The director doesn’t admire emotional expressiveness. Like the explorer they are very independent and they are quick to say it like it is. Only sees it in black and white and are self-disciplined. They can have a beautiful focus, but it can be narrow.
When in a relationship with a director, keep these thoughts in mind:
• They can be uncompromising, pragmatic, practical, impatient and demanding
• Demonstrates mind-blindness and an inability to climb into someone’s head and figure out what they’re thinking
• When having a difficult conversation with the director, be blunt and get straight to the point
Negotiator
The negotiator sees the big picture and has more long-term connections. They have a holistic view, are imaginative and mentally flexible. They socially adapt, have good reading skills and intuition and are full of insight. Negotiators are trusting, nurturing and are not social networkers like the builder. You’ll find that negotiators are deeply interested in who you are. They look inward and want authenticity. They look for their deepest truth and seek harmony. Often are agreeable, not necessarily doormats, but agreeable. They love meeting people. Negotiators are diplomatic, intelligent, emotionally expressive and independent. This particular character type often gets along most with all the other character types.
When in a relationship with a negotiator, keep these thoughts in mind:
• They can appear scattered and indecisive
• Will think too much
• Could burn out because people feel so comfortable in sharing with them
• Could be backstabbing because they don’t like confrontation, so could complain to others about you
• Need a lot of time to process deep conversations, a short or fast conversation will not work with the negotiator
• Need active listening when having a conversation with them because they need to be heard
• They want to know how you feel and have an opportunity to share how they feel
Dr. Helen Fisher has done amazing research uncovering these various personality types. Having an awareness of the type of person you are married to will have an amazing impact on your marriage. You can create a better connection when you have a greater insight of who they are. Knowing who your partner is and who you are can improve your relationship.
BMWK, which personality/character type are you and which is your spouse?
