5 Reasons Why and 3 Reasons Why Not to Get Married

BY: - 12 Dec '11 | Marriage

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Marriage is a wonderful, wonderful experience and journey if you choose the right person and have the right mindset. As your source for the best marriage information on the web we thought that we’d provide you with a list of 5 reasons why and 3 reasons why not to get married. Yes, you read that correctly so let’s get right into it. Once you’re done let us know if you agree and what we left off of the list.

5 Reasons To Get Married:

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FEELS SO GOOD!

Marriage provides you with the opportunity to give and receive unconditional love. It also lets you practice the act of becoming unselfish which is the exact opposite of what society tells us we should do. A wonderful blueprint for marriage is one where each spouse puts the other first. When you have   a marriage where one spouse puts the needs of him\herself before the needs of their spouse major problems will arise.

HAVING A SUPPORT SYSTEM CAN PROPEL YOU TO NEW LEVELS

The support of a loving spouse is an amazing feeling. When I give public speeches I often tell the story of how I was going to hire someone to do our first film Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage. Ronnie instead encouraged me to do it on my own. She built me up to believe that I could successfully make a film with no previous experience whatsoever. Now here we are 3 films later preparing for out next project which will be released in the spring of next year. That motivation has resulted in a totally new path not just for me but for our family as well.

YOUR KIDS NEED BOTH OF YOU THERE

So many times I’ve heard someone who was single talk about their fear of marrying the wrong person but they won’t hold that same fear about having a child with the wrong person. Even though we don’t advocate it, you can get out of a marriage but you can not get out of being a parent. And even if they don’t tell you, your kids wish both of you were there and together. Provide them with the best opportunity for success and that is by having their biological mother and father in the same home and in a healthy and productive marriage. This may not be possible for everyone but if you’re single and haven’t had kids yet it is possible for you!

OUR COMMUNITY NEEDS YOU

You can trace the decline of communities across this country with the decline of the family unit. High divorce rates and high out of wedlock birth rates have totally changed the face of our community. There are children now who don’t know what healthy marriages look like because they don’t know anyone who’s happily married. When these children don’t see successful marriages in front of them they are forced to lean on the negative depictions offered by the media. These images that are laced with age-old stereotypes wouldn’t lead anyone to choose marriage so they instead leave our children with thoughts of no hope when it comes to having great relationships because they think this is just, “how it is.”

MARRIAGE IS THE BEST INVESTMENT THAT YOU CAN MAKE

Marriage is an amazing investment that will provide exponential returns for the remainder of your life if tended to properly. The great part about this is that those returns will be in different areas. You’ll see returns in areas including financial, sexual, health, happiness and more. We really need couples who are experiencing the wealth return of marriage in these areas to share their stories more often so that we can combat the bad that we hear with the good that we often don’t.

3 Reasons Not To Get Married:

YOU THINK MARRIAGE WILL FILL A VOID IN YOUR LIFE

We’ve said it many times on this site that marriage will not complete you. You need to enter into your marriage as a complete person. Marriage was not designed to make you happy so you need to be the best you that you can be before you jump the broom. If you’re not happy with yourself before marriage you’ll take those feelings into your union and they will arise again.

BECAUSE BEING SINGLE IS HARD

I’ve often heard conversations about how hard it is to be single or how difficult dating is but marriage is not necessarily a walk in the park either. It requires work, commitment and a willingness to change that many people are not willing to make. Running into a marriage because you’re running away from being single is not the answer to any of your problems.

YOU’VE ALWAYS DREAMED OF HAVING AN AMAZING WEDDING

You’d be surprised at how many people get married to have a wedding. The problem is that after the wedding you have the rest of your life to worry about. Use that same energy, preparation and passion that you use for your wedding to plan for your marriage. Have the tough conversations about intimacy, finances, parenting, etc”... prior to getting married so you know what to expect from your spouse before you make the leap!

BMWK family do you agree with the list. Have you experienced any of these reasons? What did we leave off?

About the author

Lamar Tyler wrote 2182 articles on this blog.

Lamar Tyler is co-creator BlackandMarriedWithKids.com. He also is the co-producer of the films Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me, Men Ain't Boys and Still Standing.

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32 WordPress comments on “5 Reasons Why and 3 Reasons Why Not to Get Married

  1. Mad-hatter1

    I agree with everything except the your kids need both of you.  Yes they need both of you but they need to see a positive family and a positive marriage.  No one should get married just for the sake of the kids or stay married for the sake of the kids.  Otherwise I agree, especially about not getting married to fill a void.  You have to be whole and complete to enter into a lasting relationship or marriage.

    Reply
    1. Lamar

      It’s not possible in every situation but where it is you need to make it happen. That’s why I included this last sentence.

      “This may not be possible for everyone but if youre single and havent had kids yet it is possible for you!”

      The best situation is for them to have both of you in a healthy and positive marriage. If you are married and it’s not positive you need to exhaust every effort to make it that way because your divorce will leave scars on your children into adulthood. If you’re already divorced you need to make the best of the situation that you have.

      Reply
      1. Deborah Cofer

        Lamar…I totally agree with this statement!!! What is done is done, but the recourse for that which has not yet happened can manifest much better outcomes, provided much better choices are made. As Black people, we MUST begin to make choices that are based on LOGIC rather than impulse. Those warm, fuzzy feelings that come with the desire to be with someone are not designed to steer us in the right direction when it comes to the selection of a marital partner and future parent of our children. Those “warm, fuzzy feelings” help to keep our libido healthy. But when it comes to spouse selection, it is intelligence and our innate intuitive senses that must be collectively used when making the ultimate decision. “Heaven on Earth” (AKA true and lasting happiness) is a state of mind that is produced by sound logical thinking. And “Hell on Earth,” which is also a state of mind, is the byproduct of two illogical minds and two bodies in heat coming together in response to preconceived notions and conditioning that is based on nothing more than illogical and irrational beliefs that one’s physical and emotional “feelings” are enough to achieve and maintain marital stability and well-being.

        Reply
    2. Gil

      I agree with Lamar 100%, and I also agree with you Mad! I don’t see you as disagreeing with what Lamar said, although you think you do. In my opinion the main reason for getting married (especially in the loosened sexual mores of today) IS to have CHILDREN and create a FAMILY UNIT. There was a time where Lamar would have had to add to the list of reasons not to get married is just to have sex. But I digress, Lamar I believe feels exactly as you and I do that:

      If by chance, lack of thought, lack of planning, broke contraception, outright deception or the other myriad reasons people have children with someone they don’t want to spend eternity or at least the next 18 years with, you are not supposed to stay together for the children’s sake, because the children need to see a true marriage where both spouses genuinely love and care for each other, not the union of two people who can’t stand each other at any time, much less love each other, or where one spouse feels trapped, etc.

      Reply
  2. Briana Myricks

    I love that you said marriage is a great investment, because it is! You put a lot of time, energy, blood, sweat, tears, money, emotions, etc. into it, and I love the returns you get from it too.

    Reply
  3. no name

    Reason #6 why to get married: stability. Stability in a relationship can often help to allow a person a comfort zone to plant roots.

    Reason #5 why not to get married : family pressure. Every family function involves someone pressuring you to get married.

    Reply
  4. Angenius1

    Reason #4 NOT to get married- because you’re saved and sleeping with your boyfriend and you want to make things “right”.     So if you get married then you’re not fornicating anymore, the pressure is on to get that proposal and the bottom line?…if he doesn’t come up with the ring and proposal he’s out!   Well, all the walking down the isle in the world doesn’t change the man or the motives.   I love your list just thought I’d add this one from experience.   The one thing I’d say about all of this excellent piece, it requires true transparency with yourself, you can’t be sefl deceived about your true motives.   Thanks for the site this was an awesome read.

    Reply
    1. Lamar

      Angenius1 wow you brought it to the church doors with that one. I would love to know how many couples rush the process because of this. I know it’s a lot. Thanks for adding that and for being transparent yourself, you just helped someone with that comment!

      Reply
  5. LoveUnity Ross

    Thanks for sharing “YOUR” list Black and Married With Kids. I agree with it
    and would like to add a serious reason NOT to get married: If “YOU” are a
    “Selfish… CENTERED Person”. If “YOU” are selfish…, it will coerce your
    wife/husband into a road block, the life of your marriage will ALWAYS be on life
    support and your marriage will suffers severely. A healthy marriage consists of
    2 individuals, who are mature enough in their marriage to truly understand the
    importance of considering both parties concern MUST be addressed equally. A
    marriage will only be HEALTHY and survive with decisions that are made in the
    best interest of the marriage !!!

    Reply
    1. Niambi

      You make a good point about being selfish.   The problem is that the “selfish person” either doesn’t know that they are being selfish or they do know (after you politely spoke with them several times) and they don’t care.   Then the person who is most often times the giver and “true lover” (because they love unconditionally) are mistreated, undervalued, and are not loved they way the need to be loved because the selfish person is too focused on themselves to even care.

      Reply
  6. LoveUnity Ross

    Thanks for sharing “YOUR” list Black and Married With Kids. I agree with it
    and would like to add a serious reason NOT to get married: If “YOU” are a
    “Selfish… CENTERED Person”. You know…, where THINGS have to go your way
    only !!!

    Marriage isn’t for “YOU” !!!

    If “YOU” are selfish…, it will coerce your wife/husband into a road
    block, the life of your marriage will ALWAYS be on life support and your
    marriage will suffers severely.

    A healthy marriage consists of 2 individuals, who are mature enough in
    their marriage to truly understand the importance of considering both parties
    before a decision is made. Both parties concern MUST be addressed equally and
    fairly. A marriage will only be HEALTHY and survive with decisions that are made
    in the best interest of the marriage !!!

    Reply
  7. Afua Karly

    I agree with the  points you raised for reasons to marry and also reasons not to marry. i believe that in our world today, people have become so materialistic and selfish they think only about themselves and no one else. i am glad to be receiving these topics from you. i am learning a lot and i hope to share them with my kids some day. God bless, protect and keep you and your family. Keep up the good work.

    Reply
  8. Rae

    So many times Ive heard someone who was single talk about their fear of marrying the wrong person but they wont hold that same fear about having a child with the wrong person.WOW

    Reply
  9. Nana

    Reason #7 not to get married  - because you want to have children. What happens, then if you’re unable to have children with your spouse? You get a divorce and move on to someone else? If you marry for the right reasons, you should be able to work through the challenges of your marriage, which may include childlessness.

    Reason #8 not to get married: because you want/need someone to take care of you and your needs (I’m talking here about someone to do the cooking or housekeeping, or someone to pay the bills).   No one likes to feel like a tool or prop, so this is sure to cause trouble.

    Reason #9: because you’re either pregnant with that person’s child or you have a child together. Shotgun marriages don’t work. It’s important for both partners to be sure they want to get married to each other because they truly love one another and want to live to gether, rather than because they or their families  abhor the idea of them having children out of wedlock and so they get married (in a hurry, I might add( just to save face.

    Reply
  10. KT

    Good discussion points. I disagree with the point about marriage not filling a void in your life. Thats exactly what its for.   When the good Lord said to Adam, “its not good for man-or -mankind” to be alone, thats exactly what he saw. He saw the void.   No matter how “complete” we think ourselves to be, we simply cannot not go by ourselves  where marriage takes us. . Courageous Marriage will bring out the best in you  AND the worse in you. Thats what it do!   The beauty really begins to show up after the original image we had of ourselves is  recast by the realities of marriage.  

    Reply
    1. Miriam

      When GOD said to Adam “it’s not good that the man should be alone.” (Genesis 2:18) The original Hebrew word for “alone” is “bad” from the root word “badad” which means “separation” or “to be separated”.

      So truly, GOD created male and female man by thinking, speaking, then forming their bodies. When GOD breathed life into Adam-male, Adam-female or woman was on the inside of him; thus, he was separated from her according to his senses (like a baby in a mother’s womb). When GOD pulled her out of him, then they could become “one flesh” in spirit as well as body.

      Adam didn’t actually have a void, he had an inaccessible part, woman, who was on the inside of him. GOD made marriage to empower the Believer with the power of agreement (Matthew 18:19-20); to produce GODLY offspring/children (Malachi 2:15); and also to help the leader/visionary (man/husband) with a helper/succor/wisdom (woman/wife). Man goes further with a woman by his side, not because he’s lonely or incomplete without her, GOD fulfills all in our lives if we yield every weakness and lack in our lives to HIM.

      Man finds the good/the very excellent/ life/ favor/THE BLESSING when he finds a wife or wisdom (Proverbs 18:22; 8:35) because GOD helps/aids (Psalm 54:4) the man through his wife. A wife doesn’t fill a void; a wife adds to a complete/whole man who is fully dependent and trusting on GOD as his ONLY SOURCE. In the covenant of marriage, as GOD made it, a wife brings increase!!

      For example, a million dollars might not get rid of your loneliness, but it surely would bring you some power, influence and access. You might still be lonely with a wife (if you are lacking JESUS CHRIST in an area of your heart), but she is purposed by GOD to bring a man access to more grace via THE BLESSING, which makes rich and GOD adds no sorrow, pain or toil with it (Proverbs 10:22). Be BLESSED!!

      Reply
  11. KT

    Staying together and or getting married for the sake of the kids is an excellent reason to stay together.  The kids are REAL! Everything else is subjective.  Kids need to see parents together. Parents not together is HARLDY EVER a better option than staying together. We are not doing them a favor by splitting their home. Kids need to see us tough it it out.  Many   the richness of real love only comes after you’ve toughed it out.  Commitment is the POSITIVE they need see!   You see, its the kids, when they grow up,  that will judge us, as to whether what we did was positive or negative.

    Reply
  12. Always smiling

    I agree with all of your statements on the reason to get married. I went into my marriage with the same thoughts, but I am starting to rethink why it is I chose to get married. I have been with my husband, before we were married, for 14 years, and just this past July we took that leap into the marriage world.   Since we have been married there has been all kinds of issues. 1. Him not telling his parents were married until Oct. when I said it to his mom in a conversation. 2. Arguing over money issues. 3. Not feeling like he is there for me 100 percent anymore. 3. Seeing him act as if he owes me no explanation about certain things. 4. Him not standing up for our relationship and letting certain people come between us…..and the list goes on! I really love this dude, but I am strongly thinking about a divorce. And the funny thing is I grew up in a home with a single parent, mom and dad had a peaceful divorce, always got along, was rasied around relatives who had strong marriages, none of that arguing crap!….but he, my husband, had both parents in his home. I thought strongly for some time what it really takes to make a marriage last and I knew all of the things that was stated aboveand more,  and we talked about all of those things together as a couple before getting married. But it seems like it all went out the window once we did. We have three kids and I want them to have their dad in their lives, but not like this. I believe a strong women needs to prject strength in many was to her children so they can grow up and hopefully become strong individuals….and this needs to also come from their dad. But when you have a man in your life who is acting foulish is divorce the answer for you and your family?

    Reply
  13. Alikona

    Another couple of reasons NOT to get married . . .
    *   “My biological clock is about to run out . . .”
    * “My baby needs a daddy . . .”   (I have personally seen this one play itself out to the very worst of what can happen where  a single parent desirous  of marriage marries and doesn’t  know that their new mate is an  abuser or a pedophile and the child ended up abused or murdered.)

    I agree with your reasons TO get married but I do not really think people properly assess the “unconditional love” statement.   Personally, I do not like using the term “unconditional” because it moves people to equate it with “you have to love me no matter WHAT I do, or how I behave.”  

    Even God does not love in that manner.   While  God loves us always, there are also consequences when we choose to act in manners that are rebellious and destructive to the relationship.   It is, and SHOULD be, the same within the context of a relationship — particularly marriage.   Remember the saying “God loves you, but He loves you too much to leave you as you are.”   You cannot just act any kind of way in the marriage and have it succeed, particularly if the behavior is hurtful to the other.

    I think that when people use the term “unconditional love” in terms of WANTING it, they often are saying that  they should be free to act with no regard or restraint or respect for their mate.   We often do not think about this term in its full meaning . . . which also involves forgiveness, confession and a need and desire to transform.  

    Reply
  14. Kroberts319

    I agree that people should have those tough conversations first before getting married to make sure both people are on the same page as far as having kids , religious beliefs and so on and so on.

    Reply
  15. CYNDI

    # 1 REASON NOT TO GET MARRIED
    YOU TRULY DON’T WON’T TO SHARE YOUR DREAM WALK IN CLOSET WITH ALL YOUR THINGS WITH A HUSBAND…..:)

    Reply
  16. william oyuga

    TRUE MARRIAGE IS OFTEN PERCEIVED AS A BED OF NO ROSES ,BUT IN REALITY ROSES ARE SWEET FLOWERS THAT REQUIRED TENDER CARE AND LOVING,WHEN YOU ACCEPT IT POSITIVELY THE THORNS WONT HURT YOU.

    Reply
  17. Mrs. Lydia Kashaka

    Another reason Not to Get Married: Because you think getting married will change a person for the better. Never do it! Marriage is not a magical fairy that comes along and sprinkles “change dust” all over you like a fairy tale!

    Reply
  18. Gil

    Thank you Lamar for an, as usual exceptionally insightful and relevant article. I would like to add a perhaps unexpected item to the list of reasons why not to get married:

    Four: Because you LOVE him/her.

    So, I guess, I need to explain. This just came to me recently, and I have been thinking abut this topic quite a bit because I am about to jump a second broom and I deeply regret me and my ex-wife (with whom I remain great only friends with) being unable to keep our vows the first time I got married because I took it very seriously. We mutually decided after 10 years (the last 3-4 with great effort) that we had to give up or else we were going to end up hating each other.

    This thought came to me a couple of weeks ago during a conversation on gay marriage and I being born again and saved by Christ’s sacrifice and God’s almighty grace, of course, have a Biblical view on gay marriage. A man asked me why couldn’t he marry the man he loves and cares for and qualified his question by saying that God is love, the Bible teaches us to love one another and marriage and commitment is a good thing. My response was, yes indeedy, Mr. McGreedy! You are absolutely right on all but one point, God IS Love, yes we are taught to love one another, and marriage and commitment are indeed good, in fact the Beatles said it too, “What the World Needs Now is Love Sweet Love” and plenty more of it. But just because you sir love that man or you madam love that woman does not mean you are supposed to have sex with them or marry them. You are supposed to love them and if you love one man/woman in particular more than anyone else means love them like a brother/sister, mother/father/son/daughter whatever. Please spread love as much as you can and make it high quality pure uncut unadulterated love if you can. But no matter how much you may love someone does not mean you are supposed to marry them. To bring the context back to marriage in general without the gay factor. Love is definitely necessary in a marriage, but marriage is not necessary because you love someone. Love should be considered only one item in the checklist of reasons to get married, not the reason by itself!

    Reply
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