5 Reasons Why Some Men Abandon Their Children

BY: - 26 Dec '11 | Parenting

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I was recently asked why some men abandon their children. As a man fully committed to the well-being of my family I don’t believe there is one single answer for why this happens. But I know for a fact that fear, if let unchecked, will send a man down a road of no return. If left unchecked fear will negatively impact anyone, male or female, and the people around them. As someone who has been there, hearing the news that you are about to be in charge of raising another human life can create a tightness in the throat, a quickening of the heartbeat, a sinking feeling in the abdomen and panic in the mind. This is a very human reaction to fear. Here are five reasons why.

  1. Oftentimes men are so caught up in their immediate selves (for better or worse) any addition to the equation translates as chaos in a man’s mind which is why you’ll hear “…but I’m working on this and that” or “Not now.”
  2. There are some men who have endured physically and emotionally abusive relationships as children and whether they received therapy for this or not, they don’t trust their ability to not do the same thing to a child of their own.
  3. They were never “men” to begin with. A man by no means is some mythological archetype of human strength and perfection but rather someone who accepts accountability for their actions and owns up to them, no matter what. This isn’t the easiest thing to do and accountability isn’t really being taught too many places these days except for maybe inside the home. There are plenty examples of not being accountable everywhere in the media across all formats. This includes everything from sham celebrity weddings, music so disrespectful no “hot beat” in the world can overpower the words, to professional athletes getting slaps on the wrist for real crimes that would put the average person under the jail.
  4. A man might want to be a father but there’s a strong possibility he may not want a particular woman (the one he’s impregnated) to be the mother of his child. The relationship might not be the one for him. There might not be a relationship at all. He might resent the idea of having wasted his “seed” on this particular woman and now being stuck with her. The scenarios are countless but whatever the situation, both parties should have THOUGHT and taken the proper precautions before creating a lifelong experience. Please note I used the word “experience” and not “mistake.”
  5. It is not my goal to give away any trade secrets here, but a man might simply think he’s not good enough. When being responsible for another you naturally think you should be able to give that child your all, especially if you don’t think it happened in your life. If you’re struggling to do right by yourself it certainly can cause you to doubt your prospective parenting skills. As fathers don’t have the luxury of bonding physiologically with a child in the womb we don’t have the connection that moms do during pregnancy. He might convince himself he’ll bring his child more harm than good and decide his unborn little one is better off without him.

Two Sides To Every Coin

When a man is in the right mental and/or spiritual place with himself, his love for what is about to happen will overpower “the equation,” “the right time” or “what makes sense.” The real problem is that once a man decides against raising his child no matter what the circumstances he has traveled beyond the boundaries of what makes sense, is acting selfishly and has no idea the damage he will inflict upon his unborn child. In some rare cases it might not be any, but why take that risk?

None of what is mentioned above should ever be considered excuses, but they combine to form my short answer as to why some men abandon their children without going down the traditional and rather non-explanatory path of “Men are dogs.” Fear is the mind killer. If allowed it will keep you from experiencing one of the most amazing experiences a man can have — being a father. And here’s the thing about fear. We all have them. A man is no less a man for having fears. But what separates the men from the boys is that men ultimately face their fears head-on with courage, hope and faith. Fear isn’t 100% a bad thing. Fear of what went wrong in your life, fear of what you might not currently have, fear of what you don’t think you can do for a child has driven many men to go above and beyond to do in their child’s life that which was never done in their own — be present and be loving.

There are plenty of reasons for why some men abandon their children, but do they matter when compared to the pains of a fatherless child?

About the author

Eric Payne wrote 83 articles on this blog.

Named a Top 50 Dad Blogger in 2011 by Cision Media & awarded Top 50 Dad Blog in 2011 and 2012 by Babble.com, Eric writes about fatherhood, marriage and everything in between on his blog MakesMeWannaHoller.com. He speaks around the country about social media and blogging. He is the author of "DAD: As Easy As A, B, C!" and is a regular on CNN's Headline News station and the Jennifer Keitt show on KISS 104.1 FM Atlanta.

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104 WordPress comments on “5 Reasons Why Some Men Abandon Their Children

  1. Niambi

    I guess what I don’t understand  is for the men that left their children why  they  didn’t “fear” when they were being sexual intimate, but now that a child is being born from their own loins they run away from responsibility and loving their children.   No emotional state or even the relationship with the mother of your child should keep you from being there for your child.  If you have to go to court to see get visitation rights to see your child then by all means do it.   In my opinion, leaving your children is one of the most selfish acts a person could ever do.

    Reply
    1. Kate Mack

      I think your post best illustrates the difference between men and women. Sex for men can be just that…sex. It does not mean that the person they are with is someone that they would want to raise a child with or even have a long term relationship. Sadly, having a baby with someone that you did not even want a relationship with is disastrous. Men and women must be responsible for their actions. We cannot rush into having a sexual relationship. If you decide to have sex prior to being in a committed relationship, use some form of birth control. There are so many options available that there should be NO unwanted pregnancies.

      Reply
      1. Btcatlanta

        Unfortunately, even if birth control is used there will still be unwanted pregnancies because none of them are 100% effective in preventing pregnancies. I see WAY too many teen pregnancies even when birth control was used.  Many teens have been given a false sense of security for WAY too long because all they are being told is to “wrap it up”.

        Reply
        1. Andre Spivey

          Here’s the illusion, teen pregnancies are at their lowest in over a decade, but out of wedlock pregnancies are not. Women, grown women, adults are having more casual sex and babies and deciding against marriage, that’s not a male abandonment issue or female abandonment issue. It is an issue of adults being irresponsible and not being accountable.

          Reply
          1. JoJoBrown

            It is abandonment when the men abandon the babies. Men are also having more sex outside of marriage. I didn’t realize men were not intelligent enough to realize the consequences of sex. Did they not teach that part to men in sex ed?

            Sex is not ALWAYS the woman’s fault. Men are 50% responsible EVERY SINGLE TIME they have sex. End of story. 50% responsible for the sex= 50% responsible for the baby. If you can’t handle that, you are officially a deadbeat and a loser. You don’t deserve sex.

      2. James Williams

        Women voluntarily get involved in a sexual relationship as do men which suggests that they have sex for sex’s sake as well. Also, women have the ultimate choice as to whether to get pregnant and have a baby. “My body; my choice” I think the cry goes.

        Reply
    2. Yelly

      Thank you. I agree with one percent with what your saying. I explained this to my father last night because he wasnt around us when we were growing up and he could have done everything in his power to have a relationship with us like go to court and have visitation rights. He choose not to be around and we are in our 30’s and he is still the same today. He just isnt a good man. Real men take care and have a relationship with their kids no matter what.

      Reply
    3. Jay Combsly

      There truly are some men in this world who should seriously look into getting a vasectomy. Saves alot of heartache, anger, and confusion for all parties.

      Reply
      1. Anonymous

        Maybe yall women should keep yall legs closed no unprotected sex to babies no women giving up their pussy bareback to these man than no babies

        Reply
    4. Natasha

      I only want to know as a mother is there anything that can be done to encourage a father to be back in the child’s life?

      Reply
  2. no name

    Enters the devil’s advocate. More often than not, women choose to have children by men they know to have commitment/stability/self-centered, etc issues. Most women will put on her big girl panties when she has a child because she has no choice. In their mind, the believe that the father will morph into this responsible being too. Too often that’s not the case. If more women took the time to get to know the men they choose to procreate with, the abandonment issue may be greatly reduced.

    Reply
    1. Niambi

      Here’s the other side of what you are saying.   Most women choose to be with a  man because they love him and she sees the man the he is and also the potential that he has and believes that he will be there for her.   The true test of whether he was who the woman actually thought he would be  comes when there is adversity, hence when  she gets pregnant.   Generally, for the men that walk away, the woman has no choice but to step up and take full responsibility because as the saying goes “mama’s baby, papa maybe…”

      Reply
      1. kem

        How do we keep talking about men that have gotten a woman pregnant and abandoned the child? When will we learn that pregnancy outside of marriage is a problem. Children outside a stable, long term relationship is a problem. We continue story after story with men abandoning children being an epidemic. How do we keep getting to this place? It is all selfish. We always believe it won’t happen to me, and when it does, we cry foul. Women are the ones who control the pregnancy. Once conception takes place, it is completely out of the man’s hands.I think this is where things go awry. Women, believe because she wants the baby, he does to. Even if he has expressed that he isn’t ready for a child. What is worse, is women having children by men they know are not available, either he was married, or has another relationship. You are right, he shouldn’t be stepping outside his relationship. However, many times the women already knows this. Then when she becomes pregnant, and he skips out, she is upset, mad because he didn’t stay. What made you think, you would be different? Now, they become dead beat fathers and every other negative word, when you knew going in, he wasn’t dedicated to you. Women think having the baby will change that. It doesn’t and year after year, woman after woman, we still don’t learn the lessons of others that have traveled the road.

        Reply
        1. LG

          My son was fully planned and born within wedlock 9 years after we married. My spouse (now age 44) has never been more than minimally involved in our son’s life, and he’s got the emotional issues to show for it. 12 years later, we’re still married, but mostly because I’m operating on the theory that a “sometimes” father is better than no father at all. I grew up with no father at all, and I believe I turned out fine. However, I think it’s different for boys without a father, and I think divorce may be harder for boys. Regardless, I question whether I’m doing the right thing by staying.

          Reply
          1. Anonymous

            I’m dealing with that same thing in my marriage. I’m learning to cope with being a single mother while married. It’s very frustrating and depressing. I’ve had countless talks with my spouse on helping more with the kids, but he thinks it’s my responsibility. I’m fed-up and thinking about what my long-term options. Stay and pay or leave and grieve. WHICH IS BEST?

    2. sqs

      I agree.  as women, we need to be honest with ourselves about the long-term effects of our decision to bring a child into this world.  Too many women are perfectly content to get pregnant by almost any man because they simply want to have a child.  That’s selfish and not fair to the child, especially when there are plenty of already abandoned children ready for adoption.  It’s one thing to raise a “fatherless” child because you adopted him/her; it’s another to bring a child into the world not knowing or caring about your future relationship with the child’s father.

      While I respect and understand where the article comes from, as women and mothers, it’s our responsibility to get to know, screen, and separate the men from the boys before adding a child to the equation.

      Reply
      1. Niambi

        I hear what you are saying.   And what about when you thought you had a MAN but he ends up being a boy because when adversity comes, which is the true test of someone’s strength and character, he leaves the woman.   Once again i don’t think most women said “i just want to be a baby mama”.   These men left them and do not care about the mother’s well being nor the welfare of the child.   It was a selfish act they did and no amount of excuses given could undo the damage of a man or any parent walking away from their children.

        Reply
      2. James Williams

        You sound like a rational human being. Perhaps if a few others thought the same, there wouldn’t be so many problems.

        Reply
    3. Kateland

      If more men would stop making excuses for not taking care of their children (like the crap you just wrote) the abandonment issue would be Non existant in the first place! Men have the Same responsibility and opportunity to get to know the Women who they choose to have children with also, but it doesn’t stop them from having random sex with random women to satisfy his own sexual needs above all else! Men need to Think Before they sleep around and realize they Can’t Blame anyone else for their decision to be promiscous. The woman also can’t take responsibility for what the lazy man choses Not to do for his child. As you stated before, women put on their “big girl panties” because they know they have no choice but to take care of the child……or the child will Die! That’s the difference between men and women……Women don’t have the time to make excuses for why they shouldn’t have to take care of their children….but Men (like you or the ones you defend) constantly make excuses for why they should not have to take care of their own seed because they are selfish bastards. If the man and woman both had sex……….why should the woman be the only one struggling to take care of the child? That’s Insane!!! The so called “Man” needs to take responsibility for the child he creates as well as the women…..PERIOD…..NO EXCUSES!!! If the man doesn’t want kids…….he shouldn’t have sex with Anyone! Most women CHOOSE to have children with men who are APPEAR To Be Good Men But are Truly Master Decivers who are very skilled at Pretending to be as Committed to the relationship as the woman is. Most men would rather Lie to get sex from a good woman in order to check her off of his list of sexual conquests, instead of taking the time to treat her like a human being who deserves to be told the truth about him only wanting sex to begin with. This is a common practice among most so called these days and it has become part of common male behavior for a man to go as far as even entering a committed relationship with a woman (or several women) in order to use her for sex and/or money. The men that do this, know from the start that they are assholes who have no intention of honoring their committment to the woman or child that may result from their relationship. Perhaps Males who call themselves “Men” should stop worrying about having their next Orgasim long enough to realize that he is creating children that he is hurting and abandoning because of HIS OWN SELFISHNESS. A woman can be LITERALLY MARRIED to a Man for years and he will Still Abandon his child(ren) because of His own Selfishness. It happens every day. Regardless of what the relationship was like between the man and woman, both parties need to put on their Big Guy Boxers and Big Girl Panties to come together and take care of their children. Men Are No Exception To This Rule! Stop The Excuses!

      Reply
  3. KT

    Often men dont abandon their children. Its more common that the mother of the child abandons the father of the child. The father then is left with the untenable position of trying to be a parent a child, from accross town, or  e/o weekend, etc.    Despite the media optimism, its all but impossible to be a father to your children you dont live with. Its tantamont to being an absentee landlord.  I suspect men of all ages and backgrounds understand this. Our kids need to see dad shave, smelll him both firece and foul all hours of the day, observing his everymove on some level, from the spring to the return of spring. Anything less is but a mockery of fatherhood, and a reduction to “father” figure”.

      What mother would agree that its ideal and effective parenting  being a mother e/o weekend? Or to simply being a” mother figure”.   I think men deep down KNOW, that if  they are not in the house with the child, rgardless of the hype,  they are not really  being a father.

    Reply
    1. Niambi

      I somewhat disagree with your statement that often times men don’t abandon their children.   Just look at the world today and in particular at the statistics of African American households where in 80% of our families women are the head of households because men choose to leave and not take care of their responsibilities.   In my opinion women do not just say i want to be the mother of his child and not get married.   They wanted to marry that man.   Then when you add in the men that jump from women to women without any concern about the implication of what this would do to the family structure let alone society, it’s even worse.     Honestly, no woman wants to be a baby mama.   Generally this happens because the man leaves her and has cheated on the woman and got another woman pregnant or left the 1st mother and got another woman and had a baby with her  or he got  multiple woman pregnant.    Each woman probably thought that they were “the one” for that man and many times have no knowledge of his cheating or if when he decides to move on to another woman and gets her pregnant.   Often times the story goes as the 1st mother explains to her child,  “lil  david you are going to have another brother/sister soon.”

      Reply
    2. Violet

      Excuses excuses… No man should ever use a woman and her actions as an excuse for why he can’t be in his child’s life.Even if a woman moves and tells the dad that he can’t see the child,then it is his responsibility to take it to court.Even if he only gets weekend and half holiday visits that is better than nothing at all.

      Reply
    3. NYC Dave

      Through my own experiences, and through my o wn casual and unscientific surveys that I’ve conducted, I’ve concluded that men often absent themselves from their children’s lives not because of selfishness, other women, or FEAR: A huge reason that men absent themselves from the lives of their children is because men are forced to choose between a greatly diminished influence within their children’s lives, and the men’s own sense of PERSONHOOD. Bare with me here.
      When men are charged, rightfully, with the awesome moral, spiritual, and financial responsibility toward their natural children, and have little in the way of authority, that situation is called powerlessness. When a person feels powerless over a period of time, quite often that person feels depressed,
      hopeless, trapped and angry.
      When the non-custodial parent (overwhelmingly, the father ) finds himself permanently stuck at the bottom of the totem pole of authority in his childrten’s life, particularly when that father has derived a great sense of personal worth from being a committed parent, it can burn like molten lava within that dad’s soul to be cleaved from his offspring. Men don’t have the societal default fallback position of being viewed as the “worthier” and truer parent of the two. Let’s face it, as difficult as parenting no doubt, IS for a woman, at least, society accepts and aids the mother in her efforts. Indeed the world does tend to look at the mom as doing her proper duty; and the mom accrues aid and comfort to her in her endeavor, that despite our being in the second decade of the new millenium, is still but remotely offered the father, in his misery.
      Consequently, men are faced with the awful, crushing decision of whether to accept NOT having a true leadership role in his child’s life, having to defer decision-making to the natural mother, the mother’s mother, any number of aggressive aunts, godmother / sisters, mom’s BFFs, and on, and on.
      We hate this position that we find ourselves; we pay our support dutifully, and willingly; we assure our children that this is only temporary, that we do love them, and hope to see them “on the other side”. We men cry wracking sobs, inwardly, and curse the fact that we don’t have more money, (because, let’s also face the fact that money buys access), or better or stronger family ties with our own birth family. Truly, only one parent can really have the children. In an attempt to salvage our sense of personhood, and convince ourselves that we DO have worth, we seek to resurrect that notion of ourselves.
      Even though we’ve all, at one point in time or other, subscribed to the romantic and sometimes naive notion that nothing should or will come between a parent and child, all too often we men find that the sacrifice of one’s final dignity and self-worth is too much to bear, and unfortunately the kids are collateral damage.
      With each sucessive generation, as the societal strictures are loosened or removed from women’s behavior and outlook, they too may further exhibit these same tendencies. We should ALL be mindful.

      Reply
      1. Rey

        So your saying your “pride” is the lame ass reason for not being there? That you have no control over your child? I’m one of the said children without a father, my mom is still raising me, And honestly I can say I don’t see men in a very caring and loveing light,
        yeah my mom had her fair share of mistakes, my biological father being a creep (you know the kind) I hate the thought of having a dad think of his child as his property,. And I try to think of dads as caring and willing to protect their families like in video games and stuff but sadly when I read comments here I loose a lot faith. I just read about guys bad mouthing women and women crying about their asshole of an ex partner. But yeah i can honestly say I cry sometimes when I hear “you’ll be in my heart” Tarzan song. It would be nice to see a dad like that…

        Reply
      1. iamadoltlikeyou

        Do you know what your saying? Filing for custody? Are you kidding? Don’t you realize that what you just said is that a man has to ask the state for access to his own property. So what happened? Did the state suddenly own the child when it came out the birth canal? A “real” man becomes a bonified PU**Y when he asks and beg the state to “please let me see my property, if only 2 days a week”. Please! The thought is a disgrace against all forms of natural law. I knew when I saw this page that I see a lot of whining women, who are gonna say a lot of “this is the way it needs to be”. The same women who have no problem going to the state and literally handing them the child on a silver platter are the ones saying that men need to “grow up”. You all have to understand something. When you signed any sort of statement at the hospital, you handed your child over to the state, who now owns it flat out. This after denying a willful father of his inherent rights. All women who act this way commit a major crime against humanity. How many of you actually consider the matters of LAW at play in a family relationship. Did not the man INTEND to procreate when he ejaculated inside her? Is he not taking a RISK by doing so? What is a mans WORTH in the natural law? Is he not worth only that which he CREATES? What is a woman’s worth in natural law? Is she not naturally blessed with an asset by her very existence? So a woman is an asset then? Is she not like land in her “fertility”. Well, they used to be. Today they are mostly wh0r3s.

        So what separates man from beast? Few things in our modern day, but one of the things that used to separate us is… that a man can actually benefit his offspring by remaining in it’s life. Very few examples in nature of this. What beast can educate, or build a home for his offspring, or work to ensure happiness and solidarity, and to pass on his estate and his free will, and ultimately make decisions based on his cumulative understanding of the world he occupies for his offspring the way he chooses. In the natural world the male beast is lucky to procreate without being destroyed first and once he has done that he is worth little at all. In the natural law, if a man, is denied ABSOLUTE right to his offspring, all of man is, no more than beasts and slaves. It is no accident. The empire sees our weaknesses. Humans are stupid. We will get what we deserve.

        Reply
  4. KG

    As a woman married to a man who is doing everything he can within his financial, emotional and physical means to be in hus children’s lives all to be halted by the “authority” of the mom to stop answering the phone, make him travel 7+ hours to get or spend time with his children only to be told “now is not a good time” or “you can only have them for 2 hours no matter how far you’ve traveled or what our original plan was” or to find out that the mother has moved to a different state ONLY after she has moved and the CHILD has called him informing him of said move…I find this article to be short-sighted and poorly “researched”. This is an offense to men….and this opinion is coming from a woman.

    And I know the argument will be, well he should go to the courts and let them handle it….everyone does not have the money to run to the courts every time the mom wants to behave in a negative manner that negatively affects the father’s relationship with the children or the relationship he is trying his hardest to have.

    It’s a 2 way street and these short-sighted 5 reasons are laughable.

    Reply
    1. KT

      KG This is may be hard for some to hear but not only is your  companions  story more common than it ought to be,   it cuts across racial social and economic lines. The family courtsare “anti-family” and “anti- father” and  have become an industry, living off of the backs of folks who are trying to do right.

      10 years ago, I would like at the kids who went missing on milk cartons or Wal Mart  with  total ignorace to how “custody issues” may factor into the stories behind the photos.  

      Reply
    2. EPayne

      Thanks for your comments. As a loving and committed father of two (one who was abandoned by his dad) and husband it was my desire to present a couple of different angles. Of course there are more than 5 reasons, and the term “reasons” ultimately isn’t the appropriate word considering how many lives are thrown into disarray by the actions of one or two adults. But these are 5 reasons that are different than the standard answers and shouldn’t be applied with broad strokes to all situations particularly your husband’s experience as they clearly don’t apply. So please don’t be offended. The reasons can be endless and rest with both involved parties. But this is an article and not a book. So for the short term these dialogs are great for furthering the conversation with the hope that one of us or a collective of us will create some viable solutions to put an eventual end to this. Thanks again for your comments.

      Reply
    3. D_stewart1

      I sooooo agree with you and KT. Sometimes men get tired of fighting. The women can be so bitter that they forget who is most important, the child. Some women even go so far as to try and turn the child away from their dad. If that child lives with the mom, that parent has more influence on them. Some women only look at the dad as a paycheck. Nothing more, nothing less. You can go back and forth to court and the women seem to still be able to do what they want and get away with it. Court costs are expensive for someone just not following rules. You can call the police, they can’t enforce it even if you have the documents in hand. They say it is a court matter. However, let that dad be late with a drop off, or in any way stray from the paper. All heck will break lose. Let that parent miss a payment. He can face jail time for not paying for a kid he can’t see. This article is one sided and I am a woman. As a mom, I would not want to be a every other weekend mom or rotating holidays mom. It pains me just to think of it. I know too many good man that get a bad rep at the cost of a trifling mom.

      Reply
  5. guest

    KT, I agree, that the father should be in the home. But if he abandons the family, to be with another, he can still own up to an equal share of the responsibility, with equal quality time and finance. Some mothers do not put a limit on the time or do e/o weekend. Unfortuantely, this often leads to fathers not choosing any schedule.

    Reply
  6. Yana

    I think number 4 is more common then most people think.

    I know I am in the minority with my views, but I personally don’t think that laying down having sex and getting pregnant creates a contract between two people to raise a child together, especially when it happens outside of marriage. I think a contract is created between two people when BOTH people agree that a child is what they want. If two people are behaving irresponsibly by having unprotected sex and the woman happens to get pregnant then to me that is simply classified as an unplanned pregnancy, not an agreement to have a child together. With an unplanned pregnancy both parties have rights and I think that is what a lot of women tend to forget . Yes, ultimately the decision is the woman’s, but that woman also has to realize that the choice she makes may come with repercussions. A lot of women want to cry victim, when they really have been bigger perpetrators in the messes they have created then they are willing to admit/ own up to. Getting pregnant by a man who already has multiple children by multiple women. Getting pregnant by a man who has never been able to hold down a job, a man who stays in and out of jail, a man who is married or is an otherwise committed relationship and my personal favorite, having a baby to hold on to him……the list of poor choice making really does go on. People are quick to tell a man to man up, but I know a lot of women who could stand to woman up as well and stop passing the blame.

    Reply
    1. KDavis

      Everytime a man and woman have sex there is a possiblity of pregnancy regardless to the status of the relationship. Marriage to some seems to be a magic pill. There are married men neglecting their children emotionally and financially. Women as well. It matters not if the pregnancy is planned, once it’s a pregnancy and carried to term, TWO folks played a role. TWO folks need to step up. So many try to make it harder than it needs to be due to lack of respect. If a man respects himself, he should be able to be a father to his child, but what he should not expect is to be forced, begged to do so. A woman, womans up the moment she decides to go forth with the pregnancy after the deadbeat runs away. Child support is not sufficient to “just have the baby” if you don’t really want it. Well unless the man his making athlete or movie star money. I’m 35 weeks pregnant by a man I was with 4 years. I don’t believe in abortion so I am having a baby he hasn’t said he wants or not. He just doesn’t ever want to talk to me again. I have never been happier. Every situation is different and no one ever really knows why another does something until that person says why. I’m pretty certain he is afraid because his son died at 1 years old plus we lost a child in 2009. I don’t know nor do I care. My focus is my baby girl. No time for games, bitterness or the like. I will love her so much, she will have to be told she is missing a parent. Put the focus back on the child not the bullcrap.

      Reply
  7. Ncatina6

     Naimbi – “Each woman probably thought that they were “the one” for that man and many times have no knowledge of his cheating or if when he decides to move on to another woman and gets her pregnant.” – Sounds like a modern-day harem. Women need to be aware and stop allowing her emotions to dictate her toward these guys that aren’t worth the ground they walk upon.

    Reply
    1. Niambi

      No offense but you can label it anyway that you want.   I guess this has probably never happened to you and perhaps you may not know anyone who is dealing with this.   If you get a moment, take some time to listen to the stories about women who are raising children in single parent households.   It was never there intent to be left stranded to raise the children on their own.   I guarantee most if not all of these women desired to get married or atleast to raise their children with  BOTH parents in there lives.   There are many that I  know personally and in  my surrounding communities I see them on a daily basis.   According to the statistics single black women raising their children  represent over 80% of African American families.   Regardless of how we feel and our difference in opinions, those statistics are reality and are too stagering for us to ignore.

      Reply
      1. iamadoltlikeyou

        NCATINA6 to say a man is “not worth the ground he walks on” is like saying “I’m not worth the ground I walk on”. You are judging yourself by judging another especially when you think that your perspective is the only one that matters. That man who isn’t worth the ground he walks on could be your son someday. He has a mother somewhere who may or may not give a damn, but honestly, who are YOU to call him out when you know little or nothing about the man he really is inside.

        NIAMBI there is a HUGE, I mean staggering proportion of single black mothers to single black fathers. HUGE!! I can almost guarantee you that most of them have a common crucial element missing from there upbringing. I bet you can feel where I am going already. Who’s duty is it to TEACH the child? What human on earth would care about another completely dependent human enough to educate her properly? After all a single mom who was raised by a single mom who was raised by a single mom, cant POSSIBLY teach her child her true value and natural role, for she doesn’t even know her own! When a woman can see the value of keeping the father fully involved and she uses her natural assets to accomplish that even at her own sacrifice, she is realizing her natural power as a woman. Recognizing the value of man’s willingness, and considering it a blessing is what defines a “good” woman. The rest of you are shamefully pathetic and I wouldn’t procreate with you if ….blah blah….rant… blah.. blah!

        Reply
  8. Dee Dee Russell

    My parents were married had SEVEN kids. After the divorce my father left. No contact. No child support. Also he used to beat her up, he drank and remarried another lady and appeared to forget all about HIS SEVEN KIDS.

    Contrary to the lies that some BM tel…l MOST BW want their kids to see their dads its the dads who check out.

    At 19 I went to therapy for the first time on my own to figure out why I was different than my siblings I never accepted being abandoned by my dad as normal, like the rest of my siblings did. I missed  him very much and it affected me deeply.  

    So I became a Stevie Wonder fan-gurl. Truly, Stevie Wonder and his music SAVED MY LIFE. I  chose to keep my virginity all through high school and married while in community college. The marriage failed we were much too young and wisely did not want kids!

    However, seeing what life was like being raised by a single mother- HARD no matter what BW say being a single mother IS HELL ON EARTH -I vowed not to have children because I never wanted to raise them without their dad.

    This is tough to say but right now it seems like the Black community is DOOMED unless the BLACK MEN get it together and LEAD GUIDE AND PROTECT THEIR KIDS. Look around at these kids!  

    Fathelessness is our RUIN.

    BM it is on YOU to make RIGHT for your kids…or stop having kids!!

    Reply
    1. iamadoltlikeyou

      Everybody blames the men… unbelievable. Its like a trigger word. You say “dead-beat”, I say “dad”. Who is the woman who expects the man to fulfill some role she deems necessary? Does she think that the man is her subordinate once this child magically appears? Suddenly she’s in charge because of her sexual organs? This is a NEW phenomenon. Up until yesterday, MEN were head of the household. Meaning they made the final decision. Does anyone here question that logic as being perfectly sound? Because its been that way for I don’t know EVER. Look at the facts. Women are turning to the state for all there needs that the “man” can’t accommodate. The choice of whether or not to get pregnant isn’t even a risk for a woman since the state is ready and waiting for her to come APPLYING for help after the man so pathetically fails at all matters of parenting. Let me tell you all something very important. The minute you accept anything from the empire you are in debt to them. What are you putting up for collateral? The very child you say that the man isn’t capable of sustaining. So who just proved that women should NOT be making important decisions? You woman proved it for yourselves. You’ll tie yourselves into the stirrups of servitude if it makes things better here and now. VERY sad.

      Reply
      1. Rey

        Hey look! Another stupid ass! Guys like you make me sick, say what you like about women hurting your fragile ego, but don’t you dare bad mouth single mothers. My own mom has struggled two raise me and my siblings and only my brother has really had an issue with being fatherless, but guess what, even he said the bio was crap, and yeah we ask our mom what the heck she was thinking going out with the ass, and she said it very simple, he was good boyfreind material, NOT good father material. And about your suppose women in her place thing, get over it. God what is so hard about liveing good equal lives! If you want to control something so bad control down there. Or go play a pervy Japanese simulation game, whatever floats your boat. Women have been wronged since who knows when and it took a long time for girl to speak up, and some can still muster up some love for males even when a guy hurts her. But male, oh no, male if wronged by one or two females will then think all girls are bitches that need to know their “place” and to me, they sound like spoiled brats who hide behind their old time thinking of “she should shut up and listen.” Because 1: the bible says so. ( which by the way was made by males back in a time of total bias. Like /black/ woman/how rich you were ect,) 2: your supposed thought of well, humanity has been like this since ages past. (Yeah, because you could provide, and legally could not divorce her as you where bound by church.) But then when law lightend up and women could work for themselves without idiots bad mouthing her she could or more like had too start working, because some males could one- no longer provide. or two- he got high on cheating and divorce (hurray for all kinds of freedom huh~?) (yeah, yeah women do it to but just as there are a high percentage of creepy men out there, there is the close to being scumy men out there type.)
        So quit crying over females not needing a guy, your both free little birds UNTILL you have kids. Then, sucks for you both if you suddenly hate each other.

        Reply
      1. Mrs W

        I’m married for 15 abd my spouse abandoned me after child was born
        He’s inadequate and immature, suffering from backlash fr his parents divorce.
        All this has caused us to be in therapy, lives interrupted and relatives helping with care for the child. Jail , generational ignorance foster care abd fatherlessness is the scarlet letter on the Black community. As an educated soon to be divorced mom, there’s is much truth to this article I just wish we could have a discussion on tv As its its timeless.

        Reply
    1. EPayne

      The word “excuse” means to legitimize or to use reasons to lessen the blame. There is no “excuse” for men abandoning their children, or any parent for that matter.

      Reply
      1. Niambi

        With all due respect sir, it is mind boggling to me how men are able to have “reasons” for why they abandon their children.   Women on the hand are not able to have a “reason” to just abandon their child and 9 out of 10 times they won’t leave their child.   They have no choice but to step up and be both mother AND father.   Hence the overwhelming statistics of black families today being headed by single black women.    It would be great if someone could write an  article about the top 5 “reasons” the majority of black households are run by single black women.   Perhaps then we may be able to find a viable  solution on how to solve or minimize this epidemic.  

        Reply
        1. KT

          Niambi,   Thanks for the dialog.

           Women are able to abandon their kids.It just looks different.  They do it every day.   Its generlly done in clinics and by appoinntment. If this is not abandonment,  then I have misunderstood  its core meanng.  This avenue is simply, thankfully, unavailable to to their male counterpart. Please, I invite you, as one who I am certaion, cares deeply about our community,  to step back, and look at the bigger picture.

          70% of all divorces filed in the U.S  are initiated by and filed by-  WOMEN. This means that woman largely control which children will be brought up with two parent household and whicg will not.   The children who are not are most likely to soon become those whose fathers will likey neglect or “abaondon” them.  

          Before we run off and say well, the men must have deserved it- thats not what the stats say either. Those woman  who are filing for divorce, 70 % are saying its NOT because he is beating, cheating, or chucking off the money. They cite “unhappiness”,” unfullfilment”, aind “unreconcilable differences”.   These stats hold truest in states  where divorce grants default custody to the children.   This stats dont stand where custody is not defaulted to the mom.   Meaning = in states where custody is not assumed to go to mom, women are far less likely to file for divorce, leading to single houeshold parenting which too often is the precursor to abandoned kids.

          As for our youger 18 -24/25 crowd, which happend to be the majority of all our children born PERIOD, and thank God for it, the fathers have not abandoned them. As abandoned assumes a relationship that is was once there and then severed. Thats not the case here. Many of these young men have never known or had a relationship with there children. They were “donors” to willing recipients who really assumed that thats the way it would be anyway.   I find, as a man who counsels many, that many find no use for men, beyond the “donation” and NEVER expect a relationship. Sadly this mentatlity from both the men and the women assumes, and actually believes  the “father” is really not that necessary.

          Surley my opinion differs from your own, but I am sure both, and more,  ought to be considered as we try to bring about some healing in our community.

          Me: married, and the father of 5., raised w/o the benefit  my own  father.

          Reply
          1. Niambi

            KT, thanks for your response.   Honestly, women in general don’t just initiate divorces without their being a solid reason.   Generally something must have been seriously wrong in that situation.   It was probably because the husband was cheating or abusive.   A  woman would also leave  if she felt that his presence presented a potential or real harm to her and her children.    Most women appreciate a  husband who is a good man  and one that is a provider and a good father to their children and would not just divorce them.   Again, i would refer to the reasons as to why the majority of those women felt the need to divorce their husbands.   Thanks again for the dialog and take care.  

          2. Niambi

            KT, I apologize for being so intense on this subject matter but I was one of the children that was hurt by this very thing and had to deal with the effects of my father abandoning me and my siblings since were little children.  

        2. EPayne

          I’ve written for this site for nearly 3 years and never once engaged in the men vs. women dialog and I won’t do so here because it goes against the very purpose of this site. That was not the purpose of this article and I hope you didn’t take it as such.

          I believe you and I are in agreement. Please don’t be mind boggled, it’s human, not male nature to come up with reasons to justify one’s behavior. It’s how each and every one of us lives our lives everyday. I’m sorry if you believe I’m defending men who hold this position because I am not and I believe I was crystal clear at the conclusion of the article which was about men in general and not just black men. But please don’t believe that all women feel as you say just because they are carrying the child. A non-profit where I worked for a number of years addressed the same question but posed it to the teen moms we worked with who were considering doing the same. And although less likely than men I think 9 times out of 10 statistic you posed doesn’t accurately account for the women who actually do and the overwhelming number of children who are in foster care and looking to be adopted. And as far as the literature about why single households exists as they do please visit fatherhood.org and there you will see how glaring the stats are for every demographic of American society. Sadly African Americans are leading the stats in this category.

          My reason for writing this article was not to defend men who do this in any way but rather to shed some light on the thought process…and maybe through understanding (though this is lofty thinking) maybe we can reach a point where we can start overcoming the obstacles and producing some results or at least determining the predictors beforehand versus just pointing fingers or asking “why men” and not women which is the same as asking “Why” anything.

          It’s human nature to give reasons and excuses, not male nature and especially not specifically black male nature.

          Just so you and the rest of our readers know as I stated in the article, the question was posed to me by someone seeking answers from a number of different people. It wasn’t asked about black males specifically and the answers which I selected for this article were a part of a larger discussion which neither excused nor defended the outcomes (abandonment) but did shed some light on the thought process in an effort to overcome it. Thanks for your comment. And please, calling me sir makes me a lot older than I actually am.

          Be well.

          Reply
          1. Niambi

            Hello Eric.   I apologize if you took my response as a “men vs. women” dialog.   That wasn’t my intent.   I simply wrote my opinion and responses as did other persons in this blog.  I stand firm on my initial post which stated that any parent (whether it’s a man or woman) that abandon’s their child is commiting a selfish act.   If the person is willing to take the risk of enjoying a moment of pleasure and then runs away when the woman when she gets pregnant is irresponsible and their actions not only affect their child but society as a whole.   I come from a single parent household and I had to watch my mother struggle  to raise 4 children on her own.   My father abandoned all of us.   Not long after he left I remember times when my father would call and say he is coming over to take us to the park and he never showed up.   Our hearts were crushed because we believed in our father and when he didn’t show up I began to question whether or not he actually loved us.   The truth is, our father didn’t love us enough to want to stay in our lives.   He stopped contacting us.   I vowed in my heart that I would never disappoint a child and would be a better parent because of this.   I apologize for being so intense on this subject matter but I was one of the children that was hurt by this and had to deal with the effects of a father abandoning his child.

  9. sunshine70

    What is the opinon of the abandonment when the couple is married and the father leaves . . . no forwarding address.   The wife is without her husband and the child without their father.  

    Reply
  10. EPayne

    The word “excuse” means to legitimize or to use reasons to lessen the blame. There is no “excuse” for men abandoning their children, or any parent for that matter.

    Reply
  11. Guest

    I am experiencing this now. Our first child together was not planned, but we made the best of it. I didn;t worry because my husband said he was going to ask me for a chils anyway. Well when this child was 4 my husband wuit paying the house note and complained that he was always broke. The house was foreclosed upon and he moved in with his  parents and I moved back in with my parents. The whole entier time before the foreclosure happened he kept telling me how me and the kids could not move in with them because his parents didn’t want us there. Well after about a month of not speaking he finally called and wanted to work things out. He also begin to ask me to have another child. Stupi me got preggers again. This child was 2 and he left in may 2011. I found out that his ex wife was coming into town to stay for a month. I also found out that the previous time his ex wife had came and stayed for a month. At this time he said it was his son from this previous marriage that didn’t want me and the kids there and so we should live apart until he graduates. He is set to finish school in may 2013. I was going to put him on child supprt but he used his charms and like a fool I fell for them, and he asked me to drop the child support case, and so I did. I have had enough. I told him I wanted a divorce and so he has begun the process of putting me down to everyone. Now also before he moved out I caought him telling his ex wife that he was still in love with her and that he was going to leave me. As I look abck over the years I don;t think he got over his ex wife. I think he married me for sex and just to no be alone, but his heart belonged to her the whole time. If a man can leave his wife and kids then he is not a man. Everytime I have a child for him he leaves. And then before he moved out he was asking me to get pregnant again. I think he wants his cake and eat it too. I am in school and working parttime trying to keep my family going, or wgats left of it. I refuse to go back to him just for him to find another reason to leave.

    Reply
  12. Larryandmonica

    I agree with “the devil’s advocate”. Some men are just stupid and naive. And some women are clever. I have been on both sides of the fence. I got pregnant by a guy, not caring whether he wanted a baby or not, only because I WANTED a baby… and 15 years later, it got done to me, the husband I had got a woman pregnant that he didn’t want, nor the woman, nor the child. When I got pregnant, I raised the kid on my own, I know, selfish to have a kid like that but I so wanted a kid and I didn’t care who with. And this woman did the same to my stupid, cheating, husband.  

    Reply
  13. Jessica

    My ex has never seen  our son.  Our son is now 18 and he wants to, not see his son and start a relationship with him or apologize to him, but rather to provide him with “his side of the story”. To me this reeks of excuses. THERE ARE NO EXCUSES HERE FOLKS !!!!

    Reply
  14. Shan

    The pain is unbearable and the continuous damage done to an already shaky self esteem can easily turn fatal. The lack of remorse on her part boggles my mind. What confuses me even more is why I’m still here. Co dependency is no joke. My mind goes back to all those moments in my childhood that could have possibly molded me into this doormat of a person. Lately i feel as though im the one who is crazy. I just wish I had enough faith in God and myself to let go for good. If one doesn’t know how to love himself how can we expect someone else to do it. Knowing that love and healing starts from within isn’t good enough. We have to believe it and strive to live in that mindset. Until then we are left at the mercy of every ruthless person who discovers our weakness.

    Reply
  15. Kayla

    I am considering dating a man with a child by another woman. They are not married, as the 3 of us are fairly young. He seems uninterested in the well being of his daughter and admits part of the reason is because he cannot stand her mother. I feel extremely guilty about the idea of starting a relationship with him because i feel like id be further distracting him from what should be, in my mind, an obligation for him. I am interested in anyone’s opinion on this matter. I guess I am considered a desperate woman because I love him so much. But, I wont be able to live with the thought that he has a child he isn’t caring for or paying child support for. I just wish he took it more seriously. How can I approach him about this matter whenever the times right without offending him? And am I right to feel guilty for wanting his attention when his own child isn’t receiving any.
    :(

    Reply
    1. Song&Dance

      You shouldn’t feel “guilty” about considering a relationship with a man who doesn’t take any interest in his biological child, you should probably run.

      I went out with a similar man on one date. He told me he had a child. I asked him whether he saw her often. He said no because she lives “far” away. When pressed, he said she lives in Albany, NY (upstate). Not Pakistan, not Mexico, not even New Jersey. The same state. He drove a cab. How can you drive a cab, but not drive a few hours to EVER see your child?

      I didn’t try to convince him to do anything about his relationship with his daughter; I simply quickly lost interest in him.

      He is already showing you how he is going to be if you two happen to have a child together and you break up. Do you really need to experience it first hand?

      Note: Even if it works and you do someday have children, being there physically is not the same as being there emotionally and mentally. If he’s disengaged, he’s disengaged.

      Reply
  16. leeroy

    larryandmonica ,,, your honesty is impressive – if only you were as honest to your poor partner 15 years ago when you conceived …
    my partner is not so unlike you , she never takes any contraceptive – i always wore a condom – and she gets preggo …
    knowing i always wear a condom , and that i never want kids – …. what does she do ? of course ,,, she has the kid , she dont care what the father wants – all about her , she sickens me.
    when a man takes responsibilties , wears a condom everytime ,and tells his partner he dont want kids … you would have thought shed get it aborted at a very early stage – or at least not be surprised when the man walks out and never comes back … we only got one life – and a women got to be real selfish to think we should waste it on the ultimate choice they …and they alone make.

    Reply
  17. Violet

    This was a great article.I am a single mom of a 3 year old boy,and I have had no contact with my son’s father for two years.We dated for two years,and he left me right after I told him I was pregnant.He ignored my phone calls the whole time I was pregnant,and so I didn’t bother calling when I was giving birth.The first year of my son’s life I called his dad,sent pictures and did everything I could do,just to get his dad to meet him.But,he always had some kind of lame excuse.So,I just stopped calling,sending pics,and texting.I also live in a different state than he does as well,so after I moved away,during that first year he added that to his long list of excuses.

    Reply
  18. Violet

    Now,I still cry at night sometimes because my son has recently started asking me questions about his dad,and he wonders why other kids have dad’s and not him.I keep giving him short simple answers,but I know those answers won’t end his curiosity.I also hate how people like to blame me and other single mom’s for being single mom’s.Yes some of us had kids by the wrong type of guys.And yes if he is in and out of jail,has no job,is on drugs or married then the woman shouldn’t have been sleeping with him in the first place.But,I think most times that’s not the case.In my case,he left me to be with someone else who wasn’t pregnant.But,he at least pays child support.I think its funny when women complain about not getting child support from someone who never worked.Anyway regardless of all that a (guy) is going through,he should take care of his kid or kids.

    Reply
  19. Violet

    Men in Africa take care of their kids regardless of how poor they are.Its better to offer your kids something than nothing at all.And,men love to say that the child was manipulated by the mother into hating the dad.But,really single mom’s don’t have to do anything at all to make their kids hate their deadbeat dad.When kids get older and realize that their dad is not there because he never wanted to be they will hate the guy.I mean what are we as single mom’s suppose to do at that point.We can lie to our kids and say “Oh no baby he wanted to be here,but he’s just been out of town for 5 years”In my opinion,the NUMBER 1 reason men abandon their kid or kids is that they do not like or love the mother anymore if they ever did.Unlike women,men are unable to look at the child as his or her own person separate from the other parent that they hate.I’ve accepted that this is more than likely the reason why I am a single mom now.He doesn’t love me anymore,therefor he feels that he could never love my child.

    Reply
  20. Violet

    As painfull as it is many times,I still know that there are good parts about being a single mom.I don’t have to share custody of my child with his father.I can move anywhere in the US that I want,I raise my child how I want to,and I know who is around my child at all times.I would hate to be one of those people who starts seeing pics of their child,ex and his new girlfriend on social networking sites.Also if your ex has no respect for you anymore,then when your child visits him,he might not even let you talk to your child on the phone.In conclusion,its hard being a single mom,but you should never try and force someone to act like a man and father.That is a decision that they have to make on their own.In the mean time,you have to be happy,and know that he may never come into or back into your child’s life.

    Reply
  21. maryam

    my dad has abadoned me and my mum, he doesnt pay any fees and when he comes home he expects us to be all around him, he is just an idiot

    Reply
  22. Aysha Scott

    Scum Dad’s is a brand new networking site. A place to vent and share your experience’s of Scum Dad’s. Whether you share a child with them or are a child to a Scum dad. Build a portrait of your struggles by uploading pictures, video’s, links, resources and share your story with others who can relate to your experience. A chance to discuss the impact a Scum Dad has on your life and the effects it has on their child/ren. Deadbeat, loser, scum Dad’s are an epidemic all over the world, millions of lives are destroyed daily by the actions of these men and it’s time to take a stand and expose them.

    Reply
  23. James Williams

    Reason 6: A woman starts complaining that he is not doing enough and engages in a campaign of negative commenting. (Only 11% of mothers believe the father is any good at handling child problems) Every time he comes in the door he is faced with problems that are put before him. He thinks: I’ve got to put up with this for the rest of my life? The flight of fight instinct kicks in. If another woman, who is less stressful to live with comes into the equation, he will most probably choose to flee. If he stays, then the arguments abound and can sometimes lead to mutual violence. If outside forces become involved, they rarely take the man’s side and he is forced out of the home. Incidentally, put downs and constant complaining count bas domestic abuse these days, but most don’t realize this when it’s directed at men.

    Reply
  24. Sarah Lee

    Men cant get pregnant!
    Doesnt anyone know this?
    Ofcourse its a womans choice..
    And not one man could have anything to do with it..

    Reply
    1. livelovebe

      I have a preteen daughter and am a single mom and always have been. I dated her fathet for several years and was engaged to him when we got pregnant. No, men can physically get pregnant, but we sure do need their help to become so! Of course, we sat down and talked about this supprise, and he was excited and wanted to go forward with the pregnancy and we made the decision together. When i was 6 months pregnant, he stood me up several days before the wedding, just saying he changed his mind. Like others in comments, he would not take my calls, help in any way or see me for no reason really, excrpt probably fear and imaturity. I called him when i was in labor at the hospital, but he never came, and still to this day never signed the birth certificate. Let ne just say that court is not the answer either. Its so much better if the two parents can be amicable. Court is very expensive, and he took me there filing for sole custody without ever even seeing her, in my opionion just to make life harder and be a jerk. Ive had to spend over $100 k there and with no results except him wasting my time and adding stress. He doesnt show up for court dates and they reset them, he doesnt show up fir visitation, though the court wanted to work towards 50/50. They were very supportive if fathers rights though he fell to drugs and alchohol. I never asked for child support or any other monetary compensation and wanted more than anything for him to want to be in her life. He had a free attorney and a free ride at parenting. He chise to abandon her anyways. He told me about his father abandoning him when we were dating and and felt very strongly that he would never do this to his children. What happened? Was it simply history repeating itself? I will never know, but my daughter does not have a father but she does have a stable loving home and yet i worry how this will affect her as an adult in relationships.

      Reply
  25. Bob

    Ok this is a story for you people … I was having a relationship with a aussie nurse for 5 years … For 99% of the time she had implanon a contraceptive placed in the arm. In the fifth year she decides to removes this implanon without saying anything we have sex i ejaculate in her and she says oops !!! “i had my implanon removed!” then says she will take a morning after the next day. She works in a medical centre with its own pharmacy (getting the pill isnt hard and i believed her) !Next thing shes pregnant. I try to move in with her and start the whole live with woman thing for the sake of the child to be. After 6 months of the child coming into this world, the pressure is on suddenly i don’t make enough money, i spend too much time with my friends, too much time on the computer, not enough time with her family and not enough time with her and the daughter and she suspects i have a mistres. Nothing has changed from before we first met, but now im not good enough… From a day to day basis i work, coming home to a bitter girl who resents me and thinks im a reject. Because she makes me feel like crap on a daily basis i can’t have sex with her, can berely look at her or my daughter also. Another month passes, she then asks why am i with you, I’m a nurse i can have a docter bf/hubby who is rich and i will never have a hard life like with you. Well if i wasn’t feeling low enough that put the icing on the crap cake. I choose to leave she tells me I will never get to have my daughter and because of my work i know this only to be true. Years later in my home town im the subject slander because i work 2000 kilometres away on a boat and now on my time off live in Indonesia, spend less than 1 week on dry land in my home country … have a happy family in another country now and suddenly she sends me 15 pages of neglect responsibility forms from the government, when all i have done is paid her money every week and respected her decision of never contacting the child again. Now i did choose to leave, and i have no intention of trying to intergrate back into my original family because i find nothing but sadness, bitterness, bad memories and a feeling of resentfulness. My new family and life in another country is a blissful existence. Whenever I see a relationship/family in Aus now i feel deeply sorry for them.

    I send my daughter money every week, birthday presents, xmas blah blah… I feel so sorry for my daughter I think she has had over 6 father figures since i have left. The mother smokes alot of marijuana and takes anti depressants, lives off a single mothers pension and talks about how stupid men are on a daily basis. I still love my daughter and visit her occasionally, but im confronted with a child who hates me. Basically sometimes its better to just leave and start new. Living in the past or perpetually trying to make things work/right becomes boring and time consuming.

    People who try to say children without parents develope psychological disorders from their fatherless upbringing are a pack of idiots. Have you been to an Orphanage lately? Do you know people without father figures? Do you know people, whos entire families/fathers were napalmed infront of them at the age of 10? Well I know quite a few and the last thing they ever do Is blame their circumstance or life on their upbringing or lack of parent figures … Grow up and stop trying to blame crap on childhood trauma you weak pathetic sacks of flesh. If you live in the past and blame things on your parents or lack of a fatherless figure … you are just a shell of a human who can not think for yourself or you’re trying to conjure up excuses for why you are so pathetic…

    If you want a father figure so badly … adopt one from the media like Darth Vader … everything else in Australia/America is adopted from the TV /media why not psuedo daddies too.

    There is an organisation in Australia called DID (Dads in Distress) its an organisation which realises not all daddies want to run away, some are forced away from their children. Why Does Aus and America have such high suicide rates amongst single fathers/divorced males …. because the women get far too much power now … this is why western men are going more for eastern women now. When a man has to pay for a child he can’t visit, and the woman doesnt have to work for the next 18 years you know theres something seriously wrong with the system in place. Take half someones assets, take half someones money,crush their dream, make them pay 20% of their pay to you, deny them access to their kids – now ask yourself whats left and see how much an apology means to them

    Regards from a Daddy who ran away from a sad family, to start a happy family

    Reply
    1. Trixareforkids

      You’ve stated a lot of negative things about your baby’s mama. However, I’m curious to know if you took the time to ferret this out BEFORE she got pregnant???? Sounds like she was fine to have sex with before she got pregnant with all theses negative qualities. Hmmmm….funny how things change when the sex you’ve been having with a subpar human actually results in a child. The only person I feel sorry for is the child that was conceived by 2 seemingly selfish people. Biology 101…sex can lead to kids.

      Reply
  26. daniel

    Well child abandomnent in general both paternal and maternal is a very selfish act

    My exhusband left me pregnat and ran off and calls once a year for my daugthers bday he always comes up with empitity promies of bieng respnsible but it gets old after a while

    My point is if they decide to abandon thier child or children they should do it compleatly and let the child live a emotional life and leave once and for all

    Reply
  27. heather frias

    Leave him with the kids for a while..keep close tabs show him what it feels like that when the relationship no longer suites you to be left with the great responsibility of raising kids. There is no difference penis or vagina. A dead beat parent is a dead beat parent. Just because it wasn’t what you wanted doesnt change the fact it is. Therefore only and insane person would insist that it is more socially acceptable or a key factor for this behavoir regardless of the reason the only solution is to both raise the children inwhich you create. They cost money and one person alone cant afford them in this economy. When you have kids it is about love for each other it’s about love for your flesh in blood.

    Reply
  28. heather frias

    My husband is leaving and I’m fine with that but I told him he is sharing custody or I will leave him with the kids. . Sometimes people need a rude dose of reality. It is not my job alone to raise them they need both of their parents.

    Reply
    1. heather frias

      drastic situations call for drastic measures..Men were not wired any differently it is all social diversity inwhich society creates.

      Reply
      1. Dominique Bourque

        I doubt many women would actually came on this page and post the truths about the relationship with the man they claimed to have abandoned the children. If the page was titled, “The Many Ways I’ve Gotten Payback on My Children’s Baby Daddy” and the page was only open for women to post and to view, you would have almost the same amount of respondents posting the many different ways they got “payback” on the children fathers by putting the children in the middle of their game.

        No one wants to talk about the #1 type of child abuse mothers commit against their children, and that is “Prental Alienation”. My son’s mother fought tooth and nail with me in family Court to prevent me from getting custody of my son who was then 9 years old. I had valid reasons for why he did not need to be living in the same household with her, but as usual the court system was milking me of my hard earned money, while his mother tried to make it so hard form me to do what I could do for and with my son, all in the name of hoping I would give up the fight and just go away. And yes, she had stated it many many times over the phone and in person. She would make statement like, “You need to get a life and leave me and my children’s alone”, Why don’t you just go away somewhere, get your vasectomy reversed and start a new family elsewhere”, “What do you know about being a father anyway, you wasn’t raised by one?”

        She played the many visitation stalling games like not answering the phone the day of the pick-up knowing that I have to drive down 2 hours to get to her house, or leaving the house before I get there and call to tell me that she had to go to Walmart which was 30 minutes from her house and she took my son along with her, or my favorite one where her and her then boyfriend went on a Six Flags outting the same weekend of my visitation, then begins to tell me that that was the only weekend they could go so don’t worry about getting him the next weekend because that was already her weekend to have him and they were leaving town that next Friday for a baptist revival!!(WTF) She also took me off of my son’s school’s visitation approval list, which meant I could not have lunch with him, but she kept telling me that she did not have time to put my name back on the list because……”She was a single parent and she had a hectic schedule because she workded 3 jobs, so as to be able to provide for her and her two children! But then a year later she drives to my town, two hours away, and leaves my son on the doorstep, drives off and calls to tell me he’s standing in front of my apartment door with 8 weeks left in school before the summer recess. Attached to him was his report card showing that he had failed all of his classes for the first 3 marking periods and I noticed the card stated 3rd grade, but he was suppose to be in the 4th grade that year; so the young man was on the verge of getting left back for the second time!!

        So after I work my butt off to get as properly educated as I could (it was not easy due to her interference and long distance attempts of prental alienation tactics against me he graduated high school a year behind and with a C average in 2010.

        So what has become of the young man you may ask? Well his mother sent him some money without me know. He used that money to buy himself a one-way bus ticket to where his mother lived the summer of his graduation. He now works at a lumber yard making chicken scratch and has now become his mother’s “man”. He helps raise the children his mother had after him, and pitches in with paying the rent, keeping the lights on, keeping her car running, etc, etc, etc, because as mama said, “She ain’t got time to be dealing with no sorry men out in this world, and that there was nothing wrong with a good an honorable man like her son who wanted to come back home and take care of his family!”

        Many of you women who have posted have stories which are not too far off as what I’ve had to experience. You all cry wolf when at the end the games you’ve played is what drove the father’s from their children. Many of you are hateful, bitter, manipulative, have near-sighted agendas, and refuse to want to be held accountable for your actions. And the best way of doing that is to drive any and all men out of your lives, which in the long run affects the child or children.

        And the cycle will keep continuing!!

        Reply
  29. Anonymous

    I’m a single mother of a four year old. I left my ex-husband because I was tired of his beatings and because I didn’t wanted for my child to grow up in fear and disrespecting women. His father hardly makes any contact with my boy and won’t do so unless I go back with him. He makes it clear that it’s my fault that my son will grow without a father because I don’t want to go back with him. It’s really sad to know that he’s still trying to manipulate me and trying to make me feel bad about the situation. Although sometimes I do feel sad because my child needs his father I know that it ain’t because of me.

    Reply
  30. Anonymous

    After reading some of the comments posted I am convinced that men feel like they have no part in a women getting pregnant. Not only that marriage doesn’t guarantee a man will stay around. A lot of married men abandon their child as well. I hate people don’t take care of business nor take accountability for their actions. If you have issues like some of you clearly have stop sticking your penis in vaginas. You know the consequences of sex. If you (men and women) can’t handle your responsibility stop having sex.

    Reply
  31. Mary

    The majority of the posts I have read are mostly negativity. Blame, bitterness, and name calling. 1) I’m a single Mom, 2) I could talk mad crap about both of my kid’s fathers, but what’s the point? 3) I think in society today there is a lack of personal responsibility and accountabity. Whether you knew each other a long time or had a one night stand or whatever the case may be, both parties must realize every time you have sex whether protected or not, or on birth control or not, getting pregnant is still a possibility. Whatever a mans reason or logic behind not stepping up to the plate etc… Is irrelevant. What is important is that your child is loved, supported, and taken care of. If you can’t count on baby daddy to pay child support then don’t, assume you’ll never get a cent and plan accordingly. If you want your child to have a relationship with their father and he only comes around when he feels like it then decide whether or not the benefit to the child supersedes the possible long term effects it will have on them by only seeing their father occasionally. If the good outweighs the bad don’t complain. We as women put up with what we want to put up with. You can’t make someone care or change. Change comes from within. I’m not perfect but I take care of my children without help. I work with what I have and provide my children with the best life I can. I want my children to have relationships with their father’s so I allow them to come around at their convenience whether I get child support or not. Why? Because I love my kids and don’t want them to come back later and say I kept their fathers from them. When they’re old enough they can choose whether they want to see them or not. I have a 5 year old and a 9 month old. My son’s dad has given me a total of $200 and hasn’t seen him since my son was 2. My daughter’s dad has bought some formula, clothes, diapers, and given me $100. My children know they always have me and can depend on me. They have a nice home, clothes on their back,food in their bellies, and they’re loved. Life isn’t easy, there aren’t guarantees. Don’t complain about what you can’t control. Focus your energy on the things you can. I was raised in a happy home. My patrent’s are still married and provided me and my sister with a very nice life. Not all men are like my dad. Not all men are good men. A good man will take care of his responsibilities. Some people just aren’t there.

    Reply
  32. Lars P

    Sounds like you’ve wasted your life. Fatherhood is something to be valued and respected about as much as buying a bottle of soda. If the best thing you’ve ever done in your life is raise a kid, then you’re a waste of life and pretty much have no value at all. It’s too late for a vasectomy, but suicide is always an option.

    Reply
  33. Juli

    Nice post. I learn something new and challenging on blogs I stumbleupon on a
    daily basis. It’s always helpful to read through content from other authors and
    use a little something from their web sites.

    Reply
  34. Mr. Moore

    My experience is that:
    I made the wrong choice in who carried my seed.
    Though I tried to do my best, I figured the battle was nor mine to fight.
    Ladies, it’s not all about child support, it’s nor about how he treats you, it’s about him doing his share in raising that child.
    I was in an mentally abusive relationship at the time, where if I did not do what the mother wanted, or treat her as she wanted theni was not able to spend time with my child.
    If the mother did not like my girlfriend, I could not spend time with my child.
    Yes, there are women who use the children they bare as leverage, bait, pawns, blackmail.
    At the time, I had it in my mind that she would do no such thing, but I was young and naive.
    Women, here’s what I’ve learned.
    if you have multiple children, by more than one man, and you aren’t at least serious about the second man, you should check yourself out.
    I have learned, as a man to look at my partners family, where she was raised.
    Chances are, if she is from a broken home, she may be carrying on the trend, unless she is strong enough, smart enough to see where she might be going wrong, if in fact she headed down that rough road.
    It does not take a doctoral degree to see why, and how families become broken, and not all broken family’s are bad.
    It’s our bad choices in partners, and not investigating our partners.
    Let’s face facts, boys who are raised by just their mothers, usually become mommas boys, boys who are raised by just their fathers, usually become extremely rough around the edges, but usually get along with their partners well.
    Girls who are raised by single mothers, usually grow up with what’s called daddy issues, resentment towards men. And girls raised by single father’s usually become tomboys, daddies girls, or normal, usually because the father so tries to find balance in life.
    It’s cut dry and simple. Just takes time and study, I promise you’ll see the trend or pattern.
    Broken homes, usually make broken children, which usually broken adults, which makes broken partners. When you put one broken in a relationship, or two broken partners in a relationship, you have a broken home before the home is even built. You don’t have to take my word for it though, just go out in the world, and study people.

    Reply
  35. Anonymous

    Hmmm. In some cases maybe. I was married 10 years before my 1st child was born. My husband has a masters degree in business and I was in the medical field before becoming a stay at home mom. Fast forward 15 years Our family fell on very hard times during the fall of the economy. I noticed a big change in my husband’s personality, he was full of anger, impatience, verbally insensitive, selfish, withdraw from the family and decreased libido. I told him I thought going to the dr would help. He refused because we had lost our insurance and he didn’t want to spend the money. He struggled to find a job locally and ended up working in a big box store. I went back to work as well. My husband decided To take a job in ND where there was endless opportunities and more money to be made. As he was leaving he professed his love and asked me to stick by him, things would get better. I did. I was Working and taking care of the kids with barely enough to get by. We all made sacrifices. We lost our business, our home, all our money and downsized fast! We all felt the pain of loss during its time. I was unaware at the time but my husband entered into a long distance emotional affair with a female from his high school who began calling him for their up coming reunion during the month of October. Later I saw on the phone bills the calls , text and videos from her – they were several times a day. Calls at night into the morning many times up to 5 hours. He is no victim and could have stopped it, but I believe the thrill of having the attention was intoxicating and a great escape from the reality of our life. She is a pharmacist (who owns her own pharmacy) and I also found out she was and still is giving him steroids, testosterone, Viagra and Hgh without a dr’s prescription nor could we afford! She also paid for his flight to the High School Reunion in their small home town in Louisiana. She knew from the initial phone call my husband was and still is married. My darling husband boasted she wanted to meet me and our family. ha! They consummated their emotional affair during that trip. She was going through a separation and I’m not sure of the details but her husband shot himself days after Christmas. She and her husband were still married and have 3 sons together. I’m certain the boys are still dealing with that grief and despite the tragic event they continued their affair with her paying for my husbands airline (tickets to go service her) monthly and continuing to provide him drugs which is highly illegal. I found out about the affair which was now going on almost a year. My husband was fired from his job and chose to go live with his source in Louisiana. Unbelievably, he asked me and our family to move to this small town. I was unwilling to quit my job and participate in his irrational thinking / behavior. He took odd jobs for 9 months there. He was mostly living off her income sending very little to support our family. My family experienced endless times where the utilities were turned off, late payments were made, bank account overdrawn , no money to buy groceries, the list goes on and on. Meanwhile my dear husband is parading around that town with the enabler saying he is separated. They went to mardi gras, expensive dinners which on occasion came from our account, trips, boozing it up with the female enabler and even double dating with his brother. My husband did not even call to inquire about our child when she went in for surgery. He now tells me he has something really special with her and wants to marry her. We are still going thru bankruptcy and still married. To add insult to injury, I heard my father in law tell my husband to “go get his new life.”. Father in law is a real winner! Our family feels betrayed, abandoned, unloveable and discarded. I am struggling to make ends meet while going thru the devastating time in my life and my children’s lives. Sadly, this instability and abandonment is their childhood. My husband told me several times before we got married that divorce was never going to be an option. His parents had gotten a divorce when he and his brother were in college but still felt the pain from it. This cheating man is not the man I married or the one I loved and made children with. He no longer feels any responsibility to our children. He has said he will try to “visit them” every couple months or so. Seriously? I am disgusted by his behavior and the behavior of his enabler! People always change -sometimes for the good and sometimes not. What I have learned and would like to share is -know you and your spouse will change during the course of your marriage. Expect good but always be prepared for the worst. Do not quit working- ever! Even if you work part time while kids are little. Always maintain some financial independence from your spouse. I was very content being a stay at home mom being very active as a volunteer in school, church, and with the kids activities. I enjoyed creating a loving home for my family.Unfortunately, I now realize and teach my daughters differently than what I did. I have instilled that when they are grown to keep an account separate from their spouse. Always be the spouse you want your other half to be. Do not allow an opportunity for another person to come into your spouses life. Be front and center in what they do without becoming clingy. Let your spouse care for the kids while you take time for yourself, even if it’s a walk at the park or going to the library. Educate yourself before you get married on how to keep a marriage strong. Read about signs of affairs before they happen. Don’t be fooled that it couldn’t happen to you. Take good care of yourself, Mentally and physically, am a petite woman who has always stayed fit but put the needs of my family first. After speaking with many women who have gone thru similar situation we are all surprised at the person our spouse leaves for. I thought it would be a beautiful irresistible looking woman with a wonderful personality. Far from it! The enabler is far from attractive and what I hear has a horrible personality that many people cannot tolerate. However she makes my husband feel like a king. This of course because my husband has one purpose to her. Her sons are are grown and in college, she has her own income and of course her husbands money now that he is deceased. She’s independent and doesn’t have to worry about carpool, lunches, bills, bankruptcy. Don’t lose yourself in the marriage! I honestly believe if laws were still in place to make adultery a crime there would be far less of it occurring. I do feel very bitter and distrusted! I am trying to turn these normal feeling into something positive for me and my children. I know the affair is built on a house if cards and will at some point crumble. My children and i are hopeful for a life when we are done grieving and feeling joyful. We will, unfortunately, have to deal with the emotional scars for a lifetime. It’s just my two cents but wished I had realized this many years ago. Then again-maybe I might not have believed it. Much love to all the many families going thru painful situations. Thanks.

    Reply
  36. Christina

    I have a child by a man who is from Africa Niger and he is a “Muslim” and we were together for 3 years he promise to marry me and he wanted our daughter once he found out I was pregnant but he just lied and cheated or course so now I have to raise my daughter alone while he moved on to the next woman he simply don’t care he had every opportunity to be apart of his child life and he moved and change his number. I don’t even know his where abouts! Its been over 7 months since he has called my number never change. I do have conformation that he is in BROOKLYN NEW YORK SOMEWHERE!

    Reply
  37. Christina

    You laid those cards out on the table and I agree this is exactly what happen with me! The asshole was with me for 3 years promise to marry me and help raise his daughter and one day he disconnected his number and moved its been a year since I have heard from him. Yes he use me for sex and tried to use me for my money but he didn’t get a damn dime. He is from Africa Niger and calls himself a “Muslim” he a liar cheater and cant not be trusted! What make it so bad when I got pregnant I ask him did he want the child and will he be around to help raise her and he said YES! and of course that was a lie. He was gone in the wind! Now I am stuck to raise my almost 3 year old by myself!

    Reply
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  39. Denisa

    I have to agree with Niambi, my father was not in my life and I am a product of a cheating father who cheated on his wife with my mother. I was bitter but got over it but by him not being there I made bad decisions with men. I was naive and gullible and chose men who really did not love me and used me for whatever they could get and with each man I was with I looked at as my future husband and they told me just this as well but later there were excuses like, I thought I was ready but I am not, you have too many responsibilities that I can’t deal with, I emasculate them because I am successful in my career and able to provide for my own kids. Which I think was all bull and excuses to leave. It hurt like hell especially when they abandoned their kids and chose to take care of other women children but I kept my head up and still provided for my babies. I fear for my kids and what this world is turning out to be but I am teaching them to be strong as well. I have a few uncles and a brother who are good men and excellent dads but the majority of men are not and it is sad. A woman never know it is coming because they will try to be all that you want them to be and more and do and say whatever it takes to get what they want out of you and after they have achieved their conquest they leave you . I admit was stupid and did not see game nor recognize it, I was never taught. One thing I have told these men is that I will never keep them from their father yet, they chose not to have a relationship with them and I have no idea why but reading these comments make me guess why.

    Reply
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