Get Them Out Of Your Bed
“I sleep on the sofa and my wife sleeps with the kids.” ~Anonymous Husband
As a mother, I understand the instinct to want to sleep with your children. But as a wife, I also understand the need to keep the marriage bed sacred and to be attentive to my husband. When my daughter was a newborn she slept in the bassinet beside our bed, but slowly and surely, we migrated her to a crib in the nursery down the hall. For parents who have preemies and children with special needs, bedtime rituals are based on the safety of the child. However, in a lot of homes, children are sleeping with parents when they should be sleeping in their own beds.
I am a firm believer in the two-bed model: there is the parent bed and the child bed.
Now that my daughter is almost 6 years old, I am grateful that we trained her, rather relentlessly, to feel secure in her bedroom. Don’t get me wrong. She’s just like any other child. She will try to con or sneak her way into our room if we aren’t careful. Occasionally, we oblige her, but we never allow her to make our bed her new home. After my cousin told me that her 8-year-old was still sleeping in her and her husband’s bed, I vowed that would not happen in my house. Cuddle time in the family bed is cool, and an occasional visitation when a child is sick can help the healing process. Having consistent sleepovers with your children. . . no way! It’s just not healthy for the parent or for the child to consistently sleep together, regardless of marital status. Here is why:
The marriage bed is a sacred place where God gives you license to love on and even to lust for each other. It’s the place where a husband and a wife share secrets and wipe each others’ tears. It’s the place where memories (and babies) are made and tension is released, where bodies collide and where hearts melt into one. When the kids share your bed, the marriage bed actually becomes defiled (tainted and taken over) by “little people.” It’s no longer the sacred place where you and your honey retreat and reconnect with each other; instead, it becomes the place where you clean up cookie crumbs and remove Power Ranger toys from under the covers. When a couple has to schedule their intimate times around children being in their bed, something is wrong. Not to mention, no one, except for the child, gets a good night’s sleep. After a long workday, a parent needs sleep and solitude without their child’s elbow or knee punching them in the face.
Now just because you aren’t married, don’t think it is okay for your kids to take up permanent residence in your bed. When this happens, the parent and the child tread a slippery slope that can lead to co-dependency in the bedroom. For example, maybe you have been allowing your child to sleep in your bed, supposedly for his/her comfort and security, but something on the inside of you just might be compensating for feeling lonely yourself. Is this bedtime ritual really for the child or is it for the parent? Also, what happens when you do find a mate and now your child is upset because another person has taken his/her place in your bed? Or when you would still rather sleep with your child than with your spouse? This is not good for the child or for your future marriage. Single parents and their children need to find other means to feel secure in bed without forming a co-dependent sleeping relationship.
I’m not saying parents’ beds should be off limits to kids. What I am saying is that the master bedroom and the marriage bed should not be controlled by children. For many parents, that’s the only place in the home where they can “let it all hang out.” Growing up, I often wondered why my parents placed restrictions on their bedroom. Now I know.
By the way, I’m happy to say that after months of counseling and strict instructions to put the kids into their own beds, “anonymous husband and wife” are now sleeping in the same bed and enjoying each other like newlyweds. Of course, maintaining the sacredness of the marriage bed will not solve all marital problems, but it can help improve your marriage.
BMWK family, what do you think about children sleeping in their parents’ beds?
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