Maintaining Marital Bliss This Christmas
It is a sometimes not-so-quiet secret that Christmas and the collective holiday season can heap a ton of stress on an otherwise “good” relationship. Not to mention what it does to relationships that are already under pressure. As much as January to April is the “season” for tax accountants, that same time frame is the busy season for marriage counselors and relationship experts.
But Why?
So why is it that the what is supposed to be the most festive time of the year can also bring strain to so many relationships? More importantly how can you push back the pressure this Christmas season?
1. Money. Not like it has to be a certain time of year for money to be an issue, but financial strains have to be the number one relationship stressor this time of year. The National Retail Federation estimates that individual consumers will spend about $700 a piece this Christmas. That’s a lot of gift giving!
The result of holiday overspending is an increase of debt that lingers way past the last playing of the Temptation’s, “Silent Night.” So here are two quick thoughts to keep financial burdens at bay this Christmas.
Number one, budget. Determine how much you can really afford to spend and be determined not to go over it. Number two really goes hand in hand with the first one. Think about who you really want to give a gift to. My personal observation is that I often spend myself into a “hole” out of a sense of obligation to people that might not feel equally obligated to me. I am not saying that you give to get or determine a relationship based on reciprocal gift giving. Rather, this year evaluate your give giving motive. What are you trying to communicate? In the final analysis are you giving to convey heartfelt feeling or obligation?
Again, my personal observation kicks in, it seems to me that the gifts I give out of obligation end up being re-gifted anyway.
2. In-Laws. Even though many of us have a great relationship with our in-laws they seem to end up being the punch line of every holiday joke. In-laws often get the credit or the blame for what is right or not working in our relationship. Yet, regardless of the quality of the interaction we have with our spouse’s “folks,” spending time with them can be a great time of observation and learning.
If we can look past the control issues, the boundaries that are crossed and whatever else about your in-laws that may be a concern, they are a wealth of insight. That’s right, they have their ways, but our in-laws have endured marital challenges and to some degree have influenced the person we are married to. So whether our interactions with them have been positive or negative, this Christmas watch them and listen to them, and learn from them and their marriage.
3. Pressure to Please. The either real or imagined pressure of pleasing your family and friends during the holidays can just wear a person out. I get tired just thinking of all the parties and loved ones that want you to stop by when you are in town. But this Christmas, vow that you and your spouse will agree what events to attend or not attend. If you don’t have time to go to a friend’s party, don’t go. If you really intended to bake those cookies but you aren’t feeling up to it? Buy them. During this season commit to each other not to give in to the pressure to please everybody.
4. Memories of Christmas Past. For many, Christmas is a time of memories of loved ones that have passed. First of all be honest both with yourself and with others, about your feelings. If you need some down time or time to reflect then take it. For my family this will be the second Christmas since my grandmother passed, and last year was a little rough not having her “special input” on how everything must be at Christmas.
But during the holidays, families pull together and provide strength for each other to get through what can be a difficult time. Lean on each other.
5. Family Traditions. Every family does Christmas differently, some gather the night before, others first thing Christmas morning, and some later in the afternoon. Some gather for never-ending debates, while others are quiet. The point is that there is no right or wrong way to do Christmas. Whatever traditions your family has created, guard them closely. Traditions are what knit families together. Amid all the attention on the more commercial aspects of Christmas, it is really that time with your family that makes Christmas the festive celebration that it is.
So talk about it, what traditions are “sacred” to you and your spouse and how can you make sure that the family guards these traditions for years to come.
The bottom line on Christmas is enjoy it – together. Be cautious not to allow everything that is so not-Christmas steal the joy of what Christmas is, a time to celebrate, relax and enjoy with family and friends, the birth of Christ.
BMWK, how do you keep the potential stresses of Christmas in check?
Merry Christmas, To All!
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