The Importance of Building A Foundation In Your Marriage Early (And The One Word That Can Make This Happen)
by Billy Cook
Everyone knows that divorce happens in 45-50% of first-time marriages today. In the African American community the rate is higher, sitting around mid-60%. To my surprise, divorce is also rampant in marriages for older couples. What happens in marriages that have committed so much time and energy over so many years for them to end in divorce? How can a couple in their early years of matrimony create a marriage that lasts? Like any institution or organization (and a marriage is both) the start-up has to be done right. Like any institution that is meant to last or even a building that is designed to last or be extensive, the first and most important feature of the design and construction is the foundation. The deeper the foundation, the more extensive and stable the structure.
Here’s the solution to building your foundation: Talk. Spend lots of time early talking. Talk about your future together. Spend time talking about how you two will talk. Develop and write down rules for communication. Review them periodically. Talk about the importance of listening. Talk about how you will communicate when one or both of you are emotional. Agree to some rules like “only one person talks at a time but that person does not monopolize the time.” Come to agreements but be flexible. It’s like having a prenuptial agreement but from the intellectual perspective of making this marriage last.
You may be saying, “We have to talk about all of this?” Yes, but not at one time. Yes, if you want the marital bliss to last. There is very little that gives you more joy then growing a happy marriage together. Marital bliss is really a great thing. It has benefits that stretch beyond the marital bed. So talk and talk a lot about your marriage. Be deliberate and intentional early. Plan periodic monthly “business” meetings. Certainly plan hot dates but plan often to talk about the “business” of your marriage. Talk about role expectations. Don’t be too rigid but discuss your perspective based on your past life experiences. Then talk about it going forward. Talk about money. Talk about what you would do if one of you wanted to stay home, start a home business or was forced out of work. Talk about your perspective on saving, investing, spending and giving. Prepare for contingencies. Talk about children. How many? When? Disciplining? Talk about sex. How often? When? Talk about in-laws. Talk about friends and how they fit into your relationship.
Consider some dos and don’ts. Talk about “me time” for each of you. Talk about trust. Discuss what it means and how it can be lost. Talk about the future. Where do you see yourselves individually and as a couple in 5, 10 or more years? When you are ready, set goals for yourselves and for each other. You cannot plan or predict everything but having some vision or idea is better than winging it. Talk about how you prevent marital affairs with other people and other things like “the boys,” the BFF’s and the job. In case you did not talk about much during your courtship, now is the time to talk. If you were fortunate to talk in depth about some of these subjects before marrying, continue the conversations. Consider reading a book together. Consider the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman or Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray.
Sometimes it is also good to talk to others. Consider talking with an older couple with a strong marriage. (Preferably one not related nor particularly attached to either of you). Husband, talk to other more experienced husbands. Same with wives but in both cases choose wisely. Everyone means well. Take everything with a grain of salt. Look to discuss with your spouse what external observations and advice you may have experienced. Apply what advice or lessons you gain from outside your marriage to how it fits to your marriage. No two marriages are the same. Consider extending premarital counseling or obtaining counseling if you skipped it to start out.
So the not-so-simple answer to building a foundation to a successful marriage is to put in a lot of hard work early and talk. Open the lines of communication about any and everything. Remember what it is like with best friends. You can talk about anything, anytime. That’s a great goal for any marriage: to become best friends. Now, it’s not much different if your marriage is further along. You may have to overcome habits of miscommunication that often creep into some marriages. But there is still hope. Building the practice and habit of talking will help you along the way as life changes occur. In all marriages, compromise, perspective, flexibility and communication are important to handle the pressures that are tearing down the institution of marriage in our community. Start today. Put the computer, tablet or cell phone down and do it – talk!
Billy Cook is a counselor, military officer, former youth minister and public school teacher. He has been married for 25 good and bad years to a public school teacher and actress. He is the father of four biological children and numerous other spiritual children. He has served as a public school board member, in-home counselor, fatherhood group and batterer’s intervention group facilitator. He is a passionate yet strategic thinker and community leader willing to do his part to make a difference in his given and expanding “sphere of influence.” Follow him on Twitter @Bcooknorfolk or on Facebook.
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