Ask For What You Want From Your Spouse
The other night my family was having one of those dinners where everyone was doing their own thing. My daughter wasn’t home, my husband, we’ll call him S, was already sitting at the table eating something and listening to music on his laptop with headphones when I got a plate for my son and sat at the table, not eating because I wasn’t hungry yet.
When we sat down, S continued to listen to music.
“What are you listening to?” I asked after about five minutes, putting a little extra stank on the question because I was annoyed.
“Just a playlist I made. Do you want me to stop listening?”
“No. I was just asking,” I said, fully expecting him to take the headphones off.
He didn’t. He kept listening to music while I sat at the table in silence annoyed that he was being rude and listening to music when clearly I wanted to talk to him.
Then I realized that he had given me exactly what I asked for. Which is not what I wanted. And there lies the problem.
I didn’t ask for what I wanted because I didn’t feel like I should have to ask for something that in my mind should be obvious. If you’re sitting at a table with your family that you haven’t seen all day, even if it’s a casual dinner, why not spend a little time engaged with them rather than engaged with a playlist that you can listen to any time?
In my mind this was obvious, but maybe it wasn’t in his, and when given the opportunity to make it obvious, I chose to play mind reader, which left me angry at the end.
Today’s exercise is to decide to stop playing mind reader. Improve your relationship by spending less time determining what your spouse should already know, and more time being open about your needs. If you have a good partner, he or she will often be receptive to those needs, and if you keep asking for things you don’t want, you’ll probably keep getting them.
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