Healing After Infidelity
by A. Johnson
I was the queen of monogamy. Having only had two serious relationships (7 years and 6 years respectively) prior to meeting my husband, everyone I knew thought I had lost my mind when after only six months of knowing each other, I found myself at the Justice of the Peace pledging my life to a man I barely knew. Call it crazy, but it was love.
The thing about marriage vows is that when you say “for better or worse,” what none of your married friends tell you in advance is that “worse” can mean hell. In my case, six years into my marriage, hell presented itself as a neighbor knocking on my door with a three-week-old baby boy claiming it to be my husband’s son.
To be brief, all of the following immediately occurred: denial, anger, harsh words, separation, changed locks, grief and sorrow. To say I went to hell and back would be an understatement. What do we tell our daughter? Should I call a lawyer? Will I be financially responsible to this woman and her child? It was the worse time of my life.
Once DNA results confirmed that my husband was not the father of the child, I had to make some tough decisions. Although the baby wasn’t his, there was no denying the affair. My husband maintained the position of wanting to save our marriage throughout the entire ordeal. This is where God completely humbled me because I have always been one to proudly proclaim that if a man ever cheated on me, he was out the door! So why did I find myself missing my husband, thinking about keeping my family together, feeling that I wanted to uphold the vows that I took?
The decision to stay in my marriage, invite my husband back into our home and begin to move forward was not an easy one. I have lost friends and have seen the side glances of family members who have not agreed with my decision. While he and I remain in counseling working hard to fortify our marriage, building safeguards so that nothing like this ever happens again, I have also had to take a long hard look at myself. This experience has shown me that while I wear my Christianity on my sleeve, I do not forgive as Christ does. Avoiding the ditch of distrust, blame and unforgiveness are constant struggles for me.
It’s been almost a year since that knock on the door, and it takes daily prayer for me to not live in that moment. I’ve learned some very valuable lessons along this journey:
1. When divorce is not an option, you must lean on a power greater than your own. Pray for your marriage without ceasing.
2. Forgiveness means moving forward and not looking back. Constantly replaying the offense or throwing your partner’s mistakes in their faces, perpetually keeps you stuck in that place.
3. Create a haven where your mate feels safe sharing his or her thoughts/feelings/fears/struggles, without judgment, condemnation or rejection.
4. The opinions of well-wishing friends and family should have no place in your marital decision-making.
5. Communication is an important key to a successful marriage. Seeking counseling from a therapist, minister, or other professional is absolutely essential to building this and other tools.
My husband and I are on the road to rebuilding and I wholeheartedly believe that there can be healing after infidelity. The marriage you end up with may even be better than the one you had before.
A. Johnson, is a wife, mother, and law enforcement officer in the Washington, DC area. She is an aspiring freelance writer and author, who spends her time heavily involved in her community through her sorority and church community service activities.
Add a comment
Comments (28)