Thou Shall Not Lose Thyself In Thy Marriage In 2012
By Franchesca Lane-Warren
As we go into the New Year many women around the nation are contemplating strategies to make their marriages and families better. Some of us have resolved to cook more, while others vow to get rid of the “mommy look” and polish up their personal styles. However before we consume our time looking to better ourselves on the outside let’s first resolve to do one important thing. Ladies, let 2012 be the year that you “find your own identity” that many times we lose when we become a wife and mother.
How many times have you seen that mother (or wife) who always looks frazzled? She is usually in a jogging suit, hair unkept and usually is wrangling a million other things. As a newly married woman I thought that could never be me. As I dove into the marriage, the kids, work, etc I quickly began to lose my edge. Gradually I began to stop going out with my friends, I seemed to get my hair done less often and dressing sexy almost ceased to exist. I had become comfortable in my jogging pants with my hair pulled back into a pony tail. Whenever a friend called to hang out, I would make excuses such as, “Oh I can’t go out the kids (or husband) need me to do (insert random activity).” Or I would reason that I could not go out because I had nothing to wear that fit me so I would just remain at home being a “good” mom and wife and I was content—or so I thought.
Fast forward to two years down the road, I happened to walk past a mirror and a scary thing happened. I caught a glimpse of myself—and I did not like what I saw. I looked tired, I had on some sweatpants (still my outfit of choice), my hair was undone—I looked a mess. On top of that, I no longer had a social life (except for dates with my husband) and my life revolved around what my family liked. I no longer felt like a young, hip mother and wife who was “hip” to all the new fads and styles and loved to be out socially but instead I had become a hermit trapped by what I thought a good wife and parent was.
I had committed the unspoken sin of married life. I had forsaken my own identity for my marriage and my family. Even thought I realized what had happened to me I still had no idea how to regain my identity. Would I get it back if I went out to a local boutique and bought a ton of cute clothes? Would I get it back if I went out multiple weekends with girlfriends? Would I get it back if I decided to change my outward appearance? No, in order to get mt identity back I had to change my way of thinking—ASAP.
Hence I went through an intensive 4 step process of getting back to me.
I had to:
1. Identify that I had a problem. For months I inherently knew that I had lost my mojo but I was in denial. I was increasingly gaining weight and just in a “blah” mood but until I caught that glimpse of myself in the mirror, I did not really know. Once I discovered the problem I knew I had to change.
2. Let my family know that there were going to be some changes within myself and for the family. After I made the realization I knew I had to change so I sat my family down and let them know that there were going to be some changes. I would be taking time for myself and I needed them to help around the house so that I could have that time–uninterrupted.
3. I set aside time that was just for me to work on myself. Being able to have time just for me was crucial in me getting back to me. It gave me time to breathe and reflect and just figure out what I liked. Sometimes I sat and watched a television show (in peace and quiet) while other times I went out and exercised or went to the mall. It did not matter what I did…as long as I did it by myself. I also took time to reflect on personal goals for myself and how I could accomplish them. After a while I began to reconnect with what made me happy and thus made my entire family happier.
4. I organized to go out with the girls at least once a month so that I could nurture those friendships I had neglected. I had a lot of single and married friends but many of them had managed to keep their social life alive. I began to reconnect and gradually we were enjoying a Girls Night Out at least once a month. I value this time because it allows me to have conversations with women who have known me a long time and always give me good advice about any and everything.
As I look back at what I did to get my get myself back together I can’t help but think about the women who are reading this going through the same thing. It can be scary to look in the mirror and barely recognize who you’ve become. Use this article as the “spark” that lights your fire into change! Do what you know you need to do and reclaim your life! So let me know what do you need to change to reclaim yourself!
Fran is a writer, blogger, mother, entrepreneur who spends her time wrangling three kids and husband all while running her business, The Editing Nerd, and her lifestyle blog, Bossygirl1980.com. Find her on Twitter reliving the good, bad and strange world of parenting.
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