Who Comes First In Your Marriage?

BY: - 8 Feb '12 | Marriage

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by Latoya Irving

In marriage there is a certain order in the household. God is first, then spouse, then kids. A lot of people have a problem with that order. Some want to put their spouse before God, some want the kids before the spouse, some want God only when He is needed. Let’s take a look at how the home should be.

1. GOD-The reason God has to come first is because He has to be first in our lives. The Word says there shall be no other gods before Him. Gods can mean your job, your kids, and your spouse, maybe even yourself. God is where we get direction for our lives.

2. SPOUSE- I know some of you want to put your kids before your spouse, but putting your spouse first means putting yourself first also since you both are now one. This does not mean you don’t love or care for your kids; this is just the order. This may be harder for parents who brought children into the marriage. If you trust your spouse with your heart, trust them with your children and don’t allow your kids to manipulate the situation. Husbands, you are supposed to love your wife like Christ loves the Church. Wives, you are to respect your husbands. If you feel this will be difficult, pray, pray, pray. God will show you what to do.

3. CHILDREN- Now comes the kids. You are to raise them the way they are supposed to go and when they are old, they won’t forget. Your role as parents is to teach them rules, how to love and worship God, how to learn and grow into adults. It’s very important for kids to see the parents united, whether natural or stepparents. Don’t let your kids guilt trip you by saying you love your spouse more than them. One day your child will be an adult and will marry also, and then hopefully they will know how the order of the house is supposed to be.

Keep in mind that direction comes from God. How will your kids know which way to go if you don’t know? How can you teach them if you first don’t learn? I’m sure you remember while on a flight, the flight attendants tell you in case of an emergency, you are to give yourself oxygen first, then your child. You have to breathe first so your can help your child breathe. This is not selfish, but necessary. The order of the house is not selfish, it is necessary. This is God’s plan; He knows what is best. Once your house is in order, you will see a smoother flow in the home. You will run into some turbulence every now and then, but as long as there is order, God can work the situation.

LaToya Irving is a wife, mother and former Air Force brat.

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BMWK Staff wrote 912 articles on this blog.

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17 WordPress comments on “Who Comes First In Your Marriage?

  1. Gmartin5337

    THIS TOPIC WAS NEVER A PROBLEM FOR ME. I’VE REMARRIED FOR THE 2ND TIME AND HAVE BEEN  FOR 19 YRS. MY HUSBAND DID’NT HAVE ANY CHILDREN PRIOR BUT “WE” FOUND OUT HE HAD AN 8 YR OLD DAUGHTER   DURING  OUR 7 YR OF MARRIAGE. IT SEEMS LIKE HE CHEATED ON ME BUT THIS CARELESS MESS HAPPENED A MONTH BEFORE WE MET. WELL ANYWAY I HAD 2 CHILDREN FROM A PREVIOUS MARRIAGE AND I HAD NO PROBLEM LETTING MY NEW HUSBAND TAKE ON A POSITION THAT HE HAD NO CLUE ABOUT BUT DID VERY WELL. HE BECAME THEIR FATHER WITHOUT ANY INTERFERENCES. WHEN THEY BECAME MID TEENS I NOTICE THAT THEY WE’RE  TRYING  TO PLAY ONE PARENT AGAINST THE OTHER SO I DISCUSSED THE MATTER WITH MY DAD AND HE TOLD ME TO NEVER LET THE KIDS COME BETWEEN MY HUSBAND & I. WHEN I GOT OFF THE PHONE I GATHER THE KIDS AND HUBBY AND I TOLD THE KIDS THAT WE WERE THEIR PARENTS AND IF THEY EVER TRY TO CAUSE PROBLEMS AGAIN FOR THE BOTH OF US I WAS GOING TO GET RID OF THEM MORE LIKE “DIVORCE” THEM AND IT WORKED-LOL. THEY SAW THAT WE WERE SERIOUS BY OUR EXPRESSIONS & TONE AND NEVER DETOUR DOWN THAT ROAD AGAIN.   PUTTING GOD FIRST WAS ALWAYS A MUST HAVE IN OUR RELATIONSHIP, SPOUSE “US” 2ND, AND THE KIDS 3RD. I ALWAYS SAY IF GOD IS’NT FIRST THEN YOUR LIFE IS NOTHING!…..

    Reply
    1. only1londie

      I can relate to the first part of your comment. My fiance found out about a child and it does feel like he cheated but I had to keeping praying and find an understanding. Glad to know I’m not the only one. Great article by the way and the comments were great as well. God is the head and will always be.

      Reply
  2. Write2know

    Awesome reminder!

    I had trouble with putting my  spouse before the kids part.   My marriage started off with my already having  two children from a previous relationship.  Beginning a marriage with children in tow is not easy, especially if the courtship is short. Which was the case for me.  Hindsight is also 20/20. We definitely rushed in. I kept feeling like I had to choose between my spouse and children…my loyalty leaned more  towards  my children because I felt that since they were young, I was all they had.  Their biological father wasn’t steadily in the picture.

    I’ve since divorced and have learned that if it’s in God’s will for me to get a second chance at marriage, I’d be more wiser from having read this article..and seeking  wise counsel from others. Thanks!

    Reply
  3. LaToya Irving

    @Write2know, I’m glad you enjoyed the article. I also had a child from a previous relationship before I got married. God had to show me how to put my husband first. It sounds bad, but it’s really not. Kids need to see the unity of marriage. Be blessed! LaToya

    Reply
    1. Shakarid30

      God is so good because I am going through right now what you wrote about in your article today, he gave you discernment to share this and I am so grateful! My husband has a son from a previous relationship and has now started to step up now to be in his life. We had just met 7 years ago when he had him so I was ok with it. Over time he felt he was not in the right place as a man to step up. So fast forward 7 years 5 of those off and on he now wants to be apart of his life which is fine with me because I do as well but we have got into some major arguments because one he doesn’t include me in anything he says this was before you( his son) he also said his son is more important than me ( wifey). So instead of taken care of home first with bills and all he makes rational descisions because of the guilt of not being there for him. I have already asked him to move out because in his 36 years of living on this earth he has never heard of pitting god spouse, or kids in this category! Advice please anyone!!

      Reply
      1. Nperkins321

        Wow I thought I was the only person going through this well me and my husband was dealing with the same issues with his daughter but he have came around and know the order because I had one foot out of the door but I can say God is good because it feels like a new marriage we met with our pastor a few times and some marriage classes and it worked wonders

        Reply
      2. LaToya Irving

        Pray about it. Don’t argue with your husband anymore about it. Right now he probably feels guilty about not being in his son’s life so he may feel if he doesn’t put his son first, he is not showing love towards him. Your life and your relationship with God, can change him. Your husband will watch you. If you want the marriage to work, give it to God, He will work it out. You will have to be patient.

        Reply
      3. Gmartin5337

        YOU KNOW MOST PEOPLE DO BELIEVE THAT KIDS SHOULD COME FIRST AND THEY SHOULD BUT OUTSIDE THE HOME WHEN DEALING WITH OTHERS AND INSIDE THE HOME IF THE HOME HAS NO UNITY. LATOYA IRVING SAID IT PERFECTLY “KIDS NEED TO SEE THE UNITY OF MARRIAGE”! KIDS NEED TO SEE HOW LOVE IS DISTRIBUTED IN THE HOME BY THEIR FIRST TEACHERS “THEIR PARENTS”.  GOD SHOULD ALWAYS BE FIRST IN OUR LIVES NO QUESTIONS ASKED. AS PARENTS WE NEED TO BE A WHOLE SO WE CAN RAISE OUR CHILDREN THE WAY GOD INTENDED. WHEN PARENTS ARE ON ONE ACCORD THERE’S UNITY. WHEN WE FOUND OUT MY HUSBAND HAD A CHILD I WAS DEVASTATED BUT AFTER I CALMED DOWN I JUMPED ON BOARD AND THE MOTHER IN ME CAME OUT BUT MY HUSBAND HAD MAMA’S BABY DADDY’S MAYBE CULTURE SHOCK SO HE DID’NT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THE SITUATION AFTER RECEIVING THE DNA TEST. HE RELIED ON ME TO SOFTEN THE BLOW FROM THE NEWS. WE HAD A FIRST AND FINAL TALK WITH THE MOTHER TO LET HER KNOW WHERE WE STAND ON THE MATTER WHICH SHE DID’NT LIKE BUT WHO CARES. WELL ANYWAY MY POINT IS THAT “MY HUBBY” LET THE MOTHER KNOW UP FRONT SO THERE  WOULD’NT BE ANY SURPRISES  THAT HIS FAMILY CAME FIRST WITH HIS DAUGHTER PRESENT OR NOT AND WILL ALWAYS BE FIRST, AND IF SHE DID’NT LIKE IT SHE CAN KEEP THEIR DAUGHTER AT HER HOME FOR FUTURE REFERENCES AND I WAS BACKING HIM UP. HE WAS’NT ABANDONING HIS DAUGHTER BECAUSE WE WELCOME HER INTO OUR HOME AND TREATED HER LIKE SHE WAS RAISED WITH OUR OTHER 2 CHILDREN BUT WE DID’NT GET ANY COOPERATION FROM THE CHILD’S MOTHER SO WE HAD TO LET THE SITUATION GO AND MOVED ON WITH OUR LIVES WITH NO REGRETS.  

        Reply
  4. Cheryl

    I confess, when I read articles like this one, I am confused. I get the concept that we should put God first. I wake up with a song in my heart and praise on my lips most mornings. I pray often and regularly.

    The part I don’t get is putting your husband before your kids. what is the practical application for that? I have very small children, one disabled, who require alot of time and attention, from both of us. Am I not putting him first by changing the baby instead of listening to him tell me a joke? We make time to be alone together, and we talk and laugh often, but we are both pretty focused on  caring for the kids, day to day.

    Reply
    1. LaToya Irving

      Cheryl, it doesn’t mean that you love your husband more or kids less. You sound like you have the healthy balance going on. In certain circumstances there are people who will basically worship their kids. They spend no time with their spouse, they won’t allow their spouse to have any say in raising the kids, either natural or step. Some allow their kids to play the parents against each other. So, by all means change that diaper, fix the kids plates first, give the kids their bath so you can have time for each other. On a side note, make sure your husband is helping so you won’t be worn out! :) Hope that helps.
      – LaToya

      Reply
  5. Taylor

    My husband and I have not had an issue in putting our relationship with each other before the children.   We established that a long time ago.   We realized that the kids will grow up and leave you home looking at each other wondering, who is that other person over there?   By putting your relationship first you show your children what a marriage looks like.   The children are not the center of the marriage, we are.   In most cases the children came ‘after’ the marriage.   The only thing I see missing from the list, for the women, is themselves.   I put God first, then myself, then my spouse and then my children…then the dog, then the cat…and everything else a woman has to deal with on her list!

    Reply
  6. Pingback: How The Bible Defines Your Role As A Spouse | Black and Married With Kids.com - A Positive Image of Marriage and Family

  7. lolita

    I see this a lot nowadays and still can’t understand the thinking of putting your spouse before your kids. My spouse and I came into our relationship, our marriage with open eyes and hearts. We had a knowledge and a choice that this is what we wanted, my children did not get a choice to be a part of this family, of this relationship which boggles my mind that most will justify putting their spouse before them. My kids are first after God and have been since knowing I was pregnant with them. I purchase the car I did not because of my marriage but because of my kids, same for my house and many other choices I felt would impact them (even my choice of spouse). I put my children before my spouse and my spouse does the same because it is how it should be until my children are adults and choosing relationships of their own (marriage, children)

    Reply
  8. Shyreeta

    For those who seem to struggle with the idea of putting the spouse before the children, I’d like to point out that even the marriage vows tell us to ‘forsake ALL others’. This means even OURSELVES!! When we choose to marry, we choose to become one with another person. We choose to make this person a priority in our lives. This, of course, does not mean that we should neglect our children’s needs. Think about it…we must have God first in our lives, but that doesn’t mean that we spend so much of our time praying and reading the Word and going to church that we never have time to spend quality time with our spouses! There is a time and a place for all things and there must be balance. Putting your spouse before the children means that you don’t spend so much time focused on the children that you are not meeting your mate’s needs. I, unfortunately, know many parents who do this. I also know a woman who left her husband because he son ‘didn’t like him’. There was never any valid reason- no abuse or mistreatment. The man just wasn’t his daddy and so she packed up and moved back to their home state and now, almost thirty years later, he is married with a family of his own and his mother is alone and miserable and vying for his attention from his wife. I think THIS is the type of thing that would not happen if people understood the proper order of the household.

    When our children were small, my husband and I both had to put a lot of time and focus on meeting their needs, as we should have. (We each brought a child in then we had two more. People in our families of origin tried to make separation, but we weren’t having that!) But we still made sure that we were meeting our marital needs. Now, our children are older and about to embark on their own life’s journeys. I’m so glad that he and I have kept our relationship a central focus because, God willing, we have plenty of years ahead where it will just be he and I!

    Reply
  9. curtis

    WOW!! Powerful Article, we have to remember as children of GOD, we have to trust in the LORD & not lean on our own understanding, God has to be FIRST in every MARRIAGE, and then your SPOUSE, how can you look to your SPOUSE to help you raise your child if your SPOUSE is after your children, think about that??? if you are going to MARRY someone, you must trust in them to LOVE your child like thier own!!!

    Reply
  10. Andrew

    Good article. The bible does tell men to love their wives that way and for the wives to submit themselves to their husbands as they have submitted themselves to Christ. Amazing how most people continue to leave this part out for the women but the order of this article is correct.

    Reply
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