You can’t be the best YOU that you can be if your needs are not being met. It’s not selfish..it’s just the truth. How can you be expected to be a great spouse, parent, friend, child, etc…if you are unhappy and feeling unfulfilled.
But if you are anything like me, your needs are not being met because: 1. you are so busy taking care of others that you don’t take time for yourself, or 2. you don’t ask for what you want.
#2 is a big one because a lot of times I get really frustrated with my life, my spouse, and my kids. And if I really thought about it…I am to blame. Before I got frustrated, I should have just asked for what I wanted.
So now I am frustrated…and I fall into this whole victim role. “I have to do everything here.” “Nobody cares about what I want.” Then I become irritable and snappy. And this sets the tone for the entire family.
If I am irritable, the kids will be too. They pick-up on it and they start to become irritable with each other.
So honestly, I have a responsibility to myself and to my family to make sure that my needs are met.
So when I read the article “How To Have Your Needs Met In A Relationship” over at the RelationshipAdviceCafe.com, I thought I needed this reminder.
Stuart A. Kaplowitz, a licensed Marriage & family Therapist, says he sees people come to therapy with lots of anger that they initially blame on their partners…but they come to find out it is because of years and years of unmet needs. They didn’t know how to ask for what they need.
Kaplowitz gives people the following advice:
“Make a list of your unmet wants and needs.” This should be anything and everything you have ever wanted …from trips and cars …to more time to read a book or exercise. And don’t forget to include things that you have sacrificed along the way. Then think about and document the actions needed to achieve the things on the list. Basically you will be making a plan to achieve them. Then share this list with your partner…..who probably will have some ideas on how to help you achieve some of your goals.
I know Lamar is always so helpful when I finally share with him what I need or am concerned about.
“Learn how to ask for what you want in a loving way.” Don’t wait until you get so frustrated that you are yelling at your spouse when you finally do ask for something. You know the saying: “You catch more bees with honey.” Well it is true. In fact, if you start your request with “honey I’d like to…..” I am sure you will be a lot closer to getting what you want/need.
Check out, RelationshipAdviceCafe.com to read more of Kaplowitz’s advice.
And finally, I would say:
If you are feeling very frustrated and angry right now..and you don’t know what you want or you don’t know how to ask for it, then seek help either from a counselor or a pastor…or a wise friend. Don’t go through life being the victim. Make a choice right now to change your situation.
BMWK Family – Can you provide us with additional tips on how to ensure your needs are met in a relationship?