by Danni Kay
“Because of your past…you know the abuse…would you let your husband bath your daughter?”
The surge of anger that rose from my stomach and out of my mouth when I blasted
“No!” shocked me.
I’ve talked at length on my site and Madame Noire about my personal struggles with abuse & inferiority. So, some say I look at things from distorted lenses or perhaps I simply see what others cannot fathom.
Many women and men strive to know every nuance about their partner before walking down the aisle. However, the truth is marriage is a journey about discovery. Some things we discover are wonderful and others can be a nightmare. When raising our children should we have censored parental roles according to the child’s gender?
Could censoring parenting activities be the breeding grounds for mistrust?
“I love my daughter more than my own life,” says a 30 year-old father of 5 year-old twin girls, “If her mother tried to put me on restriction as to what I was allowed to do or not do. We might not stay together long. It’s the trust factor. If you think I would hurt my flesh and blood then we probably shouldn’t be together.”
As a survivor of abuse my argument is women or men who naively put blind faith in their spouse risk leaving their loved ones unprotected. Identifying a sexual offender is not an overt operation. The relative that abused me would often audibly criticize the morality of abusers. He projected his disgust as a diversion to his own perversion. His acting skills were superior because no one believed that he engaged in such heinous behavior every night under the cover of darkness for years.
“I wouldn’t ban my husband from bathing my little girl but I’d tell him I wasn’t comfortable with it. If he started fighting for ‘bath time’ then a red flag would go up.”
Women also have the propensity to be abusers. Perpetrating abuse is not gender specific. According to www.soulwork.net, “parents can over-bond to an opposite sex child – covert emotional incest is common.”
Perhaps the best way to avoid this is to create healthy boundaries.
There are arguments that incest with a child of the same sex also occurs and this is true. However, bonds between parents of the opposite sex are more widely accepted. In fact, we embrace it in everyday language: “She is daddy’s little girl.” “He’s a momma’s boy.” This verbal declaration of ownership can sometimes take an unhealthy turn ? emotional & sexual abuse.
By no means is this article written to suggest that every parent is capable of being a sex offender. However, if you had to choose between offending your partner and your child’s protection, I’d pray you would choose the latter.
BMWK family, how do you deal with parental roles regarding your children of the opposite sex? Has caution in this area ever crossed your mind?
Danni Kay is the editor and writer of www.missaleck.com. You can also catch her work on Madame Noire & Uptown Magazine. Follow her on Twitter @mzaleck
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