Does Online Monitoring Invade Your Childs Privacy? Do You Even Care?

Parenting

by Lamar Tyler | on July 3rd, 2012 | 20 comments

Last week Ronnie and I were asked to write a short opinion piece for a New York Times feature called Room For Debate. Our discussion was based on whether or not you should monitor your children’s technology use and whether that crosses the line of their privacy.

If you’re a longtime reader of BMWK you should already know our stance on this. I’ve made it known before that I’ll go all Lester Freamon from The Wire up in here, at the drop of a dime if I have probable cause. Check out this excerpt from an article I wrote back in 2008:

All of that kids have rights too stuff is overrated, especially in the age of 1 out of 4 STD’s and myspace. Our teenage son has been caught slippin on more than one occasion so as long as I keep finding stuff I don’t feel the least bit of guilt. I’ve been known to print out a chat transcript then provide the evidence like the late Johnny Cochran. I can tap into a phone conversation better than Lester on “The Wire“ and will then question you to see how many lies you tell like Bill Duke in “Menace II Society” ““ “You know you then @#$#@ up right? (Don’t worry I leave the cuss word out).

Yeah I said it! While you need to have these important discussions with your children about online safety and how they use technology they should only have the trust that they’ve earned. If they have not been trustworthy then you need to keep ~~snooping~~ looking.

Even for your children who are trustworthy they need to know that you are capable of checking in on them and their devices, Facebook pages etc… In the NY Times article I mentioned that using the excuse of not being technical is no longer acceptable. You have to know what your children are up to online. Their lives may actually depend on it.

From our NY Times article:

When your kids are online, you are ultimately responsible for their safety. Even if you don’t exercise the right to monitor them, your children should know that you’re willing to and capable of checking their online activities. We exercise this right regularly. Our children know we check in on them, but they don’t know the time or the place that it will happen!

When it comes to us Safety Trumps Privacy every time!

BMWK, does monitoring your children online invade their privacy? How important is your child’s privacy to you? Have you ever caught your child doing something inappropriate online?

About the author

Lamar Tyler is co-creator BlackandMarriedWithKids.com. He also is the co-producer of the films Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me, Men Ain’t Boys and Still Standing.

Add a comment

Comments (20)

Tara Tuesday - 03 / 07 / 2012 Reply

My kids aren't online yet (5 and 3) but please believe I check on my teenage nephews ALL the time. I post on their wall, I send them private messages about their behavior and I am quick to tell them to change their profile picture if it's inappropriate. One of my cousins tried to block me but of course I'm smarter than they are and figured out a workaround. You have to be diligent. You have to.
- Lamar Tyler Tuesday - 03 / 07 / 2012 Reply
  
  In the Times article I mentioned how often Ronnie and I find the kids of friends and family posting crazy stuff online. We aren't even looking for it, we just run across it. Then we have to make the awkward call of reporting it to their parents who normally have no idea what their kids are up to online. Especially if they aren't tech savvy.
  - Edward Tuesday - 03 / 07 / 2012 Reply
    
    I was introduced to a little cousin online - that I had never met (big family). Bearing my last name and very little clothes. In an hour I found out whose child it was and re-introduced myself to her momma.
    - Lamar Tyler Tuesday - 03 / 07 / 2012 Reply
      
      The question is did the momma handle it from there?
Animate Tuesday - 03 / 07 / 2012 Reply

There is a fine line and I think kids should learn their appropriate online behavior. I'm not saying don't monitor them but don't hover of their every move. Let them learn whats good and bad behavior.
- Lamar Tyler Tuesday - 03 / 07 / 2012 Reply
  
  I agree. Like I mentioned above I think online trust should be earned but you still have to be diligent and aware.
- Ronnie_bmwk Tuesday - 03 / 07 / 2012 Reply
  
  Some call it hovering...I call it monitoring. There is so much that our kids can get exposed to on the internet and they could get caught up in something that they don't even know is trouble until it is too late. Most parents, like us, don't have time to hover over their kids every move. But kids should know there is a code of conduct for the internet ...just like there is at home, school, church, or at the mall. If it gets to the point where my child can not be trusted on-line, I will not be standing over that child's shoulder watching their every move...I will simply take away the internet privilege.
Fran Tuesday - 03 / 07 / 2012 Reply

It absolutely does not invade their privacy! Keep looking! It's for their safety!
- Lamar Tyler Tuesday - 03 / 07 / 2012 Reply
  
  I agree Fran. Plus privacy is for when they're 21 living in their own pad. :-)
Edward Tuesday - 03 / 07 / 2012 Reply

Checking is good. That your child knows you will check is even better! There just is no room to play around with the Internet. It does not take 2 mistakes to expose too much information - just one quick misstep and our kids are into some conversation that they are not able to handle.it is our job as parents to keep them safe! So check, monitor, police whatever. And let your kid know upfront that you are and you will check'em & wreck'em
Aja Tuesday - 03 / 07 / 2012 Reply

I use a combination of checking/monitoring, limiting, and teaching. My daughter knows that I will check her text messages if I feel the need and that she's on our phone plan so I can see who/when she's calling and texting, but I also limit what she has access to, because I think at 12, some things should be a non-issue, for instance, she is not allowed to have Facebook or Twitter accounts, and I don't care how many of her friends do. I just don't think she's mature enough to be able to post online on the regular, monitoring or not. We also have parent controls set up online. More than anything though, I spend a lot of time teaching her about responsible internet behavior, because I can't be over her shoulder every day, and she needs to know how to act whether I'm watching her or not. I'm occasionally called in to deal with teens posting dumb stuff online as a part of my job, and it amazes me how reckless they can be. Even the ones who know not to post sexually charged pics of themselves etc. can still be clueless about other things that can get them in trouble online (racial slurs, sharing private info, offensive memes etc.) and I think a lot of times its a lapse in education vs. a lapse in monitoring.
Victoria Kempf Tuesday - 03 / 07 / 2012 Reply

I absolutely agree with you that parents need to be checking in periodically on their children's computer activity. The internet is a great place to get information and connect w/ friends and family but there are also many risks. Risks can be potentially devastating like online predators or they can be as simple as making sure your child is really doing their homework. When kids know that parents are checking, teens say that they would think twice about their online activities. A parent doesnt have to be computer savvy to click on an icon to see exactly what their child is doing online. They also dont have to hover at the computer constantly. They need to check in live occasionally to make sure their kids are complying with Internet safety rules. It doesnt take more than a few minutes to scroll through recordings made when a parent isnt home. It does take commitment to be a better online parent. www.ScreenRetriever.com
Briana Myricks Tuesday - 03 / 07 / 2012 Reply

When I was growing up (which was only a few years ago haha) my parents monitored my online activity. My stepdad was able to see which sites I went to and what activities I was doing, which included chatting with people I didn't know. Did I think it was an invasion of my privacy at the time? Yes. But looking back, it was really for my own safety. This was during a time where young girls were meeting up with grown men and getting kidnapped, raped, and even killed. So being monitored truly did keep me safe. By the time I became a teenager, the monitoring reduced and I was able to judge for myself what was appropriate and inappropriate to share. With social networks like MySpace when they got popular, I pretty much stuck to only talking to people I knew or who at least my friends knew if they went to other schools. I think the dangers are certainly there for kids so parents should most definitely monitor the activity. Should it be a daily occurence? Not necessarily. And you don't need to look over your child's shoulder in order to do it. There's all sorts of software that you can use to either block certain websites or get a report of where your child has gone. I think a good idea is to have your kids share their passwords so that you can do monitoring as well. They may fight you tooth and nail but it's ultimately for their own safety. Just my 2 cents from someone who's been in the kids' shoes.
- Lamar Tyler Tuesday - 03 / 07 / 2012 Reply
  
  Thanks Briana for giving us the "kids" POV
Tiya Tuesday - 03 / 07 / 2012 Reply

I don't remember having any privacy in my Mom's house, except when I was taking a shower. Seriously, we couldn't close doors and I am sure if we had the type of technology we have today, there would have been no privacy their either. My mom had her reasons. Our job as parents is to protect our children. Not just from the harm of others but from negative behaviors that could cause them future harm. So yes we monitor, with no shame either. Great topic!
- Lamar Tyler Tuesday - 03 / 07 / 2012 Reply
  
  Thanks Tiya for weighing in!
Lisa Maria Carroll Wednesday - 04 / 07 / 2012 Reply

Kids sometimes divulge more information than they think they do. One of my friend's daughters used to post things like, "So glad we only have a half day at school today," or "Going home to eat before heading to cheerleading practice," or "I have the best mom in the world. She's working late, but just called to say she's taking me and my friends out for pizza after the game tonight." DANGEROUS, because FB lists your school and employer in the info section of your page and with a little detective work, people who mean our children no good are now armed with everything they need, including pictures taken from profiles, to do them harm.
Utokia Langley Monday - 09 / 07 / 2012 Reply

What privacy? Really? Sorry the internet is more dangerous than hanging out with their friends! For their own protection, hate me now or not, love me later or not, I will be monitoring!
jbledsoejr Sunday - 15 / 07 / 2012 Reply

I agree completely with the SAFETY over privacy point. Our job as parents is not to give them space and/or private time. Our job is to guide them, to prepare them, teach them, and protect them. How can that be done if we allow times where we are "blocked out" of their world. The internet is like a big party or event. Would we allow our kids to have access to any and everybody in the real (offline) world? Unsupervised? No! Our children's "privacy" is really non-existent in our household, with the exception of bathroom time and things of that nature. I am actually in the process of creating a "family social media policy" or code of conduct (like Ronnie said), for our family. Throughout this policy it will be made very clear that at any time mom & dad have the authority to check, monitor, access, shut down, take from you, anything we deem is out of line of proper conduct. At the end of the day, just like several people have said in prev comments, we have to put their safety above their "privacy". It is almost like the question: "are we suppose to be our kids friends or their parents?...but that is a "whole 'nother" discussion. :)