Are You For or Against Sleeping in Separate Bedrooms

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by Aja Dorsey Jackson | on September 20th, 2012 | 6 comments

Last winter, my job sent me to a conference for a week in Boston. And while I missed my guy, I got better sleep over those four nights than I’ve gotten in the last six years.

My husband is a snorer. And when I say he’s a snorer, I mean that when we lived in a townhouse I could tell that he had fallen asleep on the couch as I walked up to the door because I could hear him snoring outside. It’s a problem. A real one. But I didn’t realize how much sleeping next to a chainsaw was affecting my sleep because I had gotten so used to it.

On top of him being a snorer, he’s also a mover. I can’t count the number of elbows I’ve taken to my head and neck. He manages to ruin the covers in ways that I didn’t think possible. Just last night I woke up in the middle of the night because he had somehow flipped the comforter completely over to the scratchy side. How does that happen? The flat sheet? Couldn’t even find it.

Before I got married, I remember an older coworker of mine who had been married for 30+ years saying that at some point she and her husband had toyed with the idea of separate bedrooms. Newly-engaged, I couldn’t even fathom not wanting to spend every night side by side. These days, while I think that I would still want to share a bed with him most of the time, it would be nice to know that I had options if a sound sleep was one of my goals.

At the same time, the bed at the end of the day is somewhere that we can unwind with each other and just be close if we hadn’t had the opportunity all day long. I wouldn’t want sleeping apart to affect our intimacy.

At present, we don’t have an extra bedroom, so it really is a non-issue and something I toss around in my mind when he’s snoring. I’m thinking: “If I could just kill you for like 15 minutes while I fall asleep” (I’m sorry, these are thoughts of the sleep deprived). But if we ever go for a home upgrade, I can’t say that I wouldn’t be tempted.

What do you think? Is having separate bedrooms wrong or sometimes a necessary evil? How do you deal with sleep differences between you and your spouse?

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About the author

Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer in Baltimore, Maryland and author of the blog Making Love in the Microwave.

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Comments (6)

Joyce Pettiford Thursday - 11 / 10 / 2012 Reply

I am against sleeping in separate bedrooms. Unless, the reason for sleeping separately is serious enough to cause stress in or destroy your relationship. In that case separate bedrooms should by all means be considered. Only those in the relationship would know what works best for them.
Rodney Sunday - 10 / 02 / 2013 Reply

My first question would be "did you know this prior to marriage?" Not so much from sleeping over but most snorers do so even when they just doze off on the couch. I would seek medical solutions first to make sure there arent serious issues and possibly fine a solution w/o apart. I think separate bedrooms are a def issue. Every couple that I know who has tried it their intimacy has suffered or was already suffering. They usually just tried to mask it as something else and pretend everything was fine.
chrystal washington Sunday - 10 / 02 / 2013 Reply

Her hubby has sleep apnea,and restless leg syndrome,Go see his family doctor and get a referral to a pulmonary doctor.Problem solved,and marriage saved.
Pauletta Wednesday - 13 / 02 / 2013 Reply

Lordy,my husband snores like a freight train..it hasn't always been this way. We've been married for 23 years and his snoring just recently started. He was tested for sleep apnea,but wasn't diagnosed with it. I've tried everything from beating him all night until he flips over or move to the foot of the bed. I've tried putting breath right strips on him before he falls off to sleep, also,but that hasn't worked either. I would get better sleep when he goes off to work @5:30 am...but I am up restless from fighting his snoring,then I am cranky and tired the next day! So nothing has worked better than sleeping separately. So,I do recommend sleeping separately,it makes for a better you. He actually called me violent because I was beating the heck out of him in his sleep!!!! Lol
Ressurrection Wednesday - 13 / 02 / 2013 Reply

Marriage is about becoming one. I think you should absolutely consider going to a naturopathic or medical doctor to ask questions about snoring because this is not a condition that is curable. Even if it was, why kill intimacy. If I wanted to sleep in separate bedrooms, I'd be single. And, in my house I'm the one who messes up the covers. Drives him bananas but we laugh about it, and the intimacy is irreplacable. I think sleeping in separate bedrooms is dangerous, and because you are married, you work it out.