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Everyone You Meet is Not Your Husband

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by  |  on October 5th, 2012  |  38 comments

Photo Credit: Michael Drager

Last week, I  traveled  to Washington, D.C. on business. After a long day of meetings, I met up with my favorite cousin at a trendy happy hour. As soon as we walked through the door, someone offered to buy a round of drinks, and while I was still sipping on my Mojito, a Darrin Henson lookalike asked to get me a refill. I smiled and turned down the offer, remembering my early morning wake up call. And although I’m single, I had no intentions of meeting men that night. (Funny how when you don’t look, someone falls in your lap).

But a few words turned into an intriguing conversation. We instantly connected, laughed like we were long time friends and made plans to keep in touch. His endless compliments made me blush. I gave him my number and went searching for my cousin who caught someone else’s eye. When I saw “Darrin” again, his friend told me I might be “the one.” He never heard “Darrin” talk about a woman the way he talked about me and that he wished he met me in perhaps a bookstore. I smiled and told him, I’m the same person if you meet me in a club, a grocery store or a church. When I left, “Darrin” walked me outside and offered to call off work to take me to lunch. I declined, not due to disinterest but due to a long list of appointments. He hugged me goodbye and said he looked forward to seeing me soon. I said the same. He was a great guy on paper–confident, not conceited; educated and employed. He made me smile and made me comfortable.

Then, he never called. At first, I thought maybe he was married or in a relationship. Maybe, the alcohol in his glass did the talking that night. I later realized that I called my phone from his, but I didn’t have a missed call. Dang touch phones! I always hit the wrong number or call someone on accident. I’m technologically challenged–I just set up my voicemail three months after getting a new phone. So for two days, I kicked myself. Did I just give my match the wrong number? Did I end something before it even began?

I learned that not everyone you meet is your future spouse, and thought about five action items that lifted my spirits.

1. Continue to Trust in God –  God created the world in six days. He can send you a wife/husband in the blink of an eye. When you seek Him, everything else will fall in place. When it doesn’t, it makes you wiser and stronger.

2. Practice Patience –  Would you rather wait a year to meet the man/woman of your dreams or rush down the aisle to marry a wolf in sheep’s clothing? Pull the plug of your biological clock out of the wall. It’s OK to hit the snooze button on getting engaged or starting a family.

3. Dodge a Big Bullet –  Maybe mis-dialing my number prevented heartache and pain in my future. “Darrin” could be deranged, a deadbeat dad or a dog. I doubt it, but sometimes you meet someone for a reason or a season, not necessarily a lifetime.

4. Tell Yourself If it’s Meant to be, it Will be. –  Some things are out of your control. If “Darrin” and I are meant to go on a date, I’m sure we’ll cross paths again on our journey to find our other half.

5. Enjoy Life -I love my life. I don’t think I’ll love it more with a mate. A man compliments me, not completes me. Don’t get me wrong. I am very pro-marriage. But I’m also very pro being happy in the meantime, until you get your happy ending.

BMWK – Has this ever happened to you?  Have you ever thought about how things could have been with that one acquaintance or ex that you thought was a nice match for you? Is there anything wrong with “looking” for a husband or should you just relax and let things fall into place?


About the author

Not long ago, Heather Hopson was an award-winning television host in the Cayman Islands. Today, she’s writing a different kind of story as a new mom at www.diaryofafirsttimemom.com. The site includes fabulous features, such as Gaga Giveaways, The Mommy Experiment, Mom Minutes and a Video Diary.


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Comments (38)

  1. Sandi Friday - 05 / 10 / 2012 Reply
    Maybe he'll go back every Thursday in hopes that he will find you....Maybe he will write letters to the Washington Post in hopes that you will read them. :) ok ok.. If its meant to be it will be... :) thanks for sharing your lessons learned.
  2. Lamar Tyler Friday - 05 / 10 / 2012 Reply
    Great post and a reminder to let things happen instead of beating yourself up about what coulda/shoulda happened.
  3. Heather H Friday - 05 / 10 / 2012 Reply
    Funny:) Or maybe he's an avid reader of Black & Married With Kids, and we'll ride off into the sunset together...lol I wanted to share the story to possibly prevent women from stressing over not being in the right place at the right time or constantly being in search of "the one." We should relax and enjoy life. There are lots of "Darrins" out there, not just one person that you must meet at a certain time or else you are destined to be single forever. Everyone you meet isn't your husband, but someone you'll meet is:)
    • Anonymous Saturday - 20 / 10 / 2012 Reply
      Awesome point of view! Thank you!
  4. Kyle Friday - 05 / 10 / 2012 Reply
    This was just the message I needed for such a time as this! There are a few times that I've done similar things; I'd meet a lady, we'd get to talking, I'd be feeling good and in my bliss I forget to make the connection so that we could keep in touch! This is a good reminder to me that every woman I meet isn't my wife. Thanks a bunch for this post!
  5. PhoenixRose360 Friday - 05 / 10 / 2012 Reply
    Funny you ask, I've had a friend from high school who we dated some years ago, but it didn't work. In the years following, we remained friends and even gave each other advice on our respective relationships, yet the attraction is still there and people think we're together. But fast forward to present day, we're both single and I've approached him on the idea of rekindling the relationship, but that was 6 months ago. So while I like the idea, I'm definitely living my life and having fun!!!
  6. Kirstin (The Travelin Diva) Friday - 05 / 10 / 2012 Reply
    Great article...It took me a long time to accept, internalize and believe #4. Now I realize it's the honest truth..."If its meant to be, he'll call. If not oh well...As Jay-Z would say on to the next one." Seriously ladies need to stop stressing when they don't call after that initial date...
    • HeatherH Friday - 05 / 10 / 2012 Reply
      Definitely! I think at times we as women stress about finding a soul mate. We build the "Darrin" into this perfect person who got away. We want him to be better than our last man and to end our dating game. But if it's meant to be, it will be. That doesn't mean sitting back and not living life and going after what you want rather not trying too hard, not forcing something to happen. If he doesn't call after the first date, he's just not that into you. And that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. (As a woman, sometimes I don't call either. Maybe I'm swamped at work, busy with my family or just not in a relationship space.) lol @ your Jay-Z quote:)
  7. Emma Friday - 05 / 10 / 2012 Reply
    This is an encouraging article. I like your perspective Heather, I'm inspired by the 5 action items. Those are good principles to apply to the situation. Co-sign!
    • HeatherH Friday - 05 / 10 / 2012 Reply
      Thanks for co-signing! Let me know if you have any other action items to add to the list!
  8. Jewel H. Saturday - 06 / 10 / 2012 Reply
    Once there lived a high school graduate who was hugely infatuated with a fellow classmate who showed equal interest in her. He was gorgeous - dark brown hair and green eyes. Right before she went off to college she came home to find him at her door talking to her mother. He had a summer job as a Census Taker. She walked right past past him into the house barely speaking to him. This was her chance, and she didn't take it. She gave herself all sorts of reasons why she didn't take that chance. But the truth is, she was scared. It was 1968, and things were different then. He was white, and she was black. What if????? I had to become a Spicy Spinster before I stopped asking myself this question and gained the perspective you already have, Heather, - especially after I found out he became a doctor, and I'm still single hmmmm. Things could have turned out splendidly, but romance could have been bad for both of us. No one knows. This one thing is true. . . When I think of him, I smile.
    • HeatherH Saturday - 06 / 10 / 2012 Reply
      Thanks for sharing your story:)
    • AyVines Saturday - 06 / 10 / 2012 Reply
      Thank you for sharing you story. It brought a smile to my lips.
    • AyVines Saturday - 06 / 10 / 2012 Reply
      Thank you for sharing your story. It brought a smile to my lips.
      • HeatherH Sunday - 07 / 10 / 2012 Reply
        you're welcome:)
  9. Lorri Sunday - 07 / 10 / 2012 Reply
    Absolutely....when I was younger. Now, I realize no response is sometimes because he already has someone to take his FULL attention. And God's plan is perfect, no need for us to interfere.
    • HeatherH Sunday - 07 / 10 / 2012 Reply
      AMEN! :)
      • Sanaj Tuesday - 05 / 03 / 2013 Reply
        Dear Heather, Obviously I'm all for relationship advice, (love the column!) but there's something that no one seems to ever cover.... What if all of that waiting, being celibate, patient, optimistic etc.. only leads you to just that....... a patient, celibate, optimist plagued by solitude? Okay, yes I'm talking about me! No, there isn't anything wrong with that unless everything in you wants to be an in the now, outgoing, opportunist improved by marriage!!!! Every time I hear Wait! Be patient! What's for you is for you yada yada yada..... I truly want to scream! I've been working on 1-5 for almost two years... well.... actually ever since I can remember. 1. I will always continue to trust in God. 2. I have a Master's in Patientology. 3. I've dodged and took a few bullets. 4. I've learned to speak the positive into my life and 5. I thoroughly enjoy and live my life to the fullest. I guess if I had a #6 to add it would be Persevere in spite of. 1-5 are excellent tips! But they can also drive you mad!!!!! And when they do, you must keep going anyway. Not everyone is blessed to have the curse of a support team. As in you never hear, "Of course you look great in that dress..... but do you have anything a little shorter?" from your besties! So while I pan this out alone behind closed doors I have to remember to keep putting on that sexy, but conservative black dress. One day it'll happen. I vow to keep arching my eyebrows and putting on lipgloss! He might be right around the corner....even though my mom nor any of the other happy, beautiful women I know do it!!!!!! I will persevere no matter how tough it gets (*You can substitute tough for lonely, frightening, panicky, insecure, maddening, etc.. we've all been there!) because I was meant to be married and I am somebody's soul mate. I just gotta figure out which shade of lipgloss will convince Mr. Right of that!!!!!!
        • stephanieb Thursday - 18 / 04 / 2013 Reply
          I hear ya Sanaj, you took the words right out of my mouth with this post. Sometimes it seems like all that you do just isn't enough, it can be frustrating.
  10. Kelly Manchester Sunday - 07 / 10 / 2012 Reply
    Nice post. I have just a few similar moments where I wonder what wouldve happened had I not turned down that nice guy back in the day--especially considering that I am STILL perpetually single. But I agree that things happen for a reason and my life could be a mess right now if I had made certain decisions (not just concerning dating...any decision).
  11. stephanieb Monday - 08 / 10 / 2012 Reply
    Something similar to this happened to me as well. I met, who I thought was a great guy, on an online dating website, and we seemed to hit it off at first and had a lot in common in terms of beliefs, values, interests, etc., and we communicated a great deal with each other in the beginning, but then all of a sudden, he contacted me less and less, and then it got to the point where he barely called me at all. I eventually was the only one initiating the calling and emailing and got tired of it, so I stopped. I never really knew what happened, and it bothered me for a while, because I thought that things were really going to work out, but now I realize that it just wasn't meant to be.
    • HeatherH Thursday - 11 / 10 / 2012 Reply
      Sometimes the man just isn't that into you OR is into someone else. But we can't let that take away from our shine. We're still beautiful, intelligent, fabulous, blessed, etc. And if we're not, we must evaluate and become better. Everyone isn't for everyone. So we live life in the moment. And it's OK to reflect on the past as long as we're focused on the future as well:) Thanks for sharing your story!
  12. Dlyte Friday - 19 / 10 / 2012 Reply
    Sup, with all you angry women, shit happen, relationships these days are like a crap-shoots, flip a coin. I got in the game "got married" back in 1990, no turning back, will be in it to the end, unless my other see different. Women wont admit it, but they have this mental checklist when it comes to men, which is mostly cosmetic and out to fail from the beginning. Find a person thats compatible, opposite and can communicate with you no matter what. If you're looking for a husband you probably wont find one, let him or her husband find you.
    • Heather H Monday - 22 / 10 / 2012 Reply
      Angry? I don't think women are angry. Sometimes we're disappointed when things don't work out or don't live up to our expectations. I think the word angry is definitely overused when describing African-American women. Instead, I think the word hopeful applies in this case. I must disagree. Don't think relationships are crapshoots. If you go into it with a flip of a coin attitude, you may be setting yourself up for failure. What's wrong with a mental checklist? Women, and men, should set standards. However, just keep in mind that you should be flexible in some areas (not non negotiables, but realize no one is perfect!) I do agree on your point that you shouldn't just be into the cosmetics. A pretty face only goes but so far! You have to have some substance underneath to sustain a successful relationship:) Thanks for your comments!
  13. Lorinda Saturday - 20 / 10 / 2012 Reply
    Great Post and highly overdue. :-) Often we Christian singles forget the order in which God put things. First he created Adam to teach him and groom him. Then he put him to sleep so he wouldn't be distracted and asking a whole bunch of question on the process and make up of God's creation Eve. Then When God woke him up he presented Eve to him and the man identified who she was. "Bone of MY Bone, Flesh of MY Flesh"...Hence, Let God mold you when it's the right man ladies, he'll know without a shadow of doubt that YOU are the one God created and presented to him. ijs. :-)
    • stephanieb Monday - 22 / 10 / 2012 Reply
      Lorinda, great comment. I never really thought about it in that way before but you are so right. We have to allow God to do his perfect work in us and our future mate, so that we will BOTH be fully prepared when we meet one another. My head knows this, but it's kind of hard telling my heart that though : )
  14. Ann Monday - 05 / 11 / 2012 Reply
    Thanks,its such an awesome read.everytin was and is absolutely needed in life.it served as a reminder to me cos there are times(scratch dat),so many times I find myself asking this question,"is he the one?and I never get d answer or I might fix an answer myself.its jst best to wait 4 what God has planned n I believe He knows best.thanks for reminding me.God Bless.
  15. Christine Saturday - 10 / 11 / 2012 Reply
    I had to share this with a few of my friends because its so very true. I don't know what it's like to be single because I've been married 7 years, and was dating my husband almost 7 years before that. But I DO know the power of prayer and trusting in God, and searching for your mate is no different. Excellent article. Excellent tips! And what a great article it would make, if you and "Darren" should cross paths again. ;)
    • HeatherH Sunday - 25 / 11 / 2012 Reply
      Christine, do you live in DC? I'll inbox you his credentials. Just kidding. But in all things, including dating, we must put our trust in God. I stopped searching, but never stopped believing:)
  16. Marie Tuesday - 04 / 12 / 2012 Reply
    "Darrin" could have been an imposter. Pretending he's something he isn't. The phone she dialed her number from probably wasn't even connected!!!! That's why there wasn't a missed call on her phone! As women, we have to stop falling for every man that shows us attention. We must seek the Lord in all our dealings....especially when it comes to choosing a mate.
    • Heather H Tuesday - 04 / 12 / 2012 Reply
      lol...I pay my bills! Maybe not on time...jk, but no disconnects here:) Showing interest in someone doesn't mean your falling in love with the person. And it doesn't mean you aren't seeking the Lord. It just means you met someone who "may" be a great person. It's always nice to get attention, but of course you must work to have a healthy level of self-esteem, so that compliment isn't the only thing putting a smile on your face. So you're right, falling for every man is not OK. But maybe falling for just one is:)
  17. Alison Sunday - 27 / 01 / 2013 Reply
    I have to admit being on the fence on this one. I loved her five actions, and wish I knew about them when I was dating. Yet in reading her story, I do think that sometimes *we* just make a mistake, not God -- like perhaps misdialing her own number in a dark bar. What if God would have been pleased to see her to walk the extra mile and prove that she was ready for a relationship, by going back to the bar just to see if she ran into this man again? Sometimes ascribing every little thing to God seems too magical to me. Just sayin'.

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