How Much “Grown Folk” Business Do You Share With Your Children?

Marriage

by Tiya Cunningham-Sumter | on March 18th, 2013 | 11 comments

Children should grow up in a home which teaches morals, values, and demonstrates what healthy love relationships look like. This type of environment ensures that our children will carry those ideals on into their own families. And a healthy cycle of such a solid foundation will begin to travel through to future generations.

I recall back in the day not really discussing love relationships with adults. I am sure most of us have been told as children to stay out of grown folk’s business. But today it seems more and more parents are involving their children in adult conversations and matters of the heart. The question becomes, how much is too much? Should we disclose our financial realities, the difficulties we are having with our mate or any health challenges that will affect us long term? We never want to give our children a false representation of married or family life. Having them think that relationships and life will be perfect and there won’t be any challenging periods is setting them up for failure. They need to know there will be disagreements and couples won’t always see eye to eye. We must inform them that their relationships will be a direct reflection of the amount of effort they put into it. Instructing them on how to have healthy conflict is critical. Some may think marriage and relationship conversations are grown folk’s business, but our children are watching anyway, so we may as well use it as a teaching moment.

Even with all of that being said, there needs to be a positive way to deliver information, especially when we are heated and frustrated. Because they are like sponges, our little ones watch, listen, and repeat most of the behaviors they witness. We have to be careful that we aren’t sharing grown folk business in a way that will impact them negatively. Bad mouthing mommy or daddy is counterproductive. We should not allow our hurt feelings or broken heart to ever cloud our parenting judgement. We must consider our motives when we decide to share certain details with our children. I’m sure you have heard or know of a parent who is quick to criticize the other parent to their children. Statements like “I hope you don’t grow up to be like your daddy” or “Your Mommy does some really stupid things sometimes” are definitely not going to benefit the child.

We are human and occasionally our emotions get the best of us and we react without thinking. We say what’s on our minds because we feel it just had to be said out loud. So whether that’s to another adult or our children, it doesn’t matter. This is harmful. What we fail to realize is how it will affect the relationship and expectations that child has of the other parent. We are also giving our child permission to find a mate with the qualities and negatives we find ourselves complaining about. Before we choose to use our next disagreement with our significant other as an opportunity to school our children, we must consider the end result. Two very important questions must be answered before we proceed: What information do we want this child to know and how will it benefit them later? We want the grown up business we do share to be of the greatest value to our children.

BMWK — Do you share grown folk “relationship” business with your children?

About the author

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, founder of Life Editing, and a Career Coach/Trainer. She helps couples and individuals rewrite their life to reflect their dreams. Tiya was recently featured in Ebony Magazine and on the Michael Baisden Show. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children. For more of her life and love wisdom visit www.notyouraverageadvice.com

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Comments (11)

DR Monday - 18 / 03 / 2013 Reply

This should be handled in a delicate controlled manner but for many this is not the case. Life for many isn't handled this way. When children receive grown folks business up close and personal the damage can be devastating. The other side of this coin can teach children life lessons in a positive way. Achieving this balance is difficult but possible. I'm curious to know if you receive many responses to this very private topic for many. I would imagine this subject would be difficult for many too share given its level of sensitivity and volatility. Great article..Love the potential for growth in this discussion..
Chandler Monday - 18 / 03 / 2013 Reply

I read this on my mother's facebook page. I am 17 yrs old, and I agree that parents should not hold things back from their kids. My mother found out that my dad had been cheating on her for almost 3 yrs. It was one of the worst days I had ever seen. What I mean by that is this; my mother and I never looked at my father as a man who could do that. He was always telling my brother and I how we were to treat women with respect, always loving on my mom and telling my brother and I how this is what a man is suppose to do with his wife. I remember him saying how he never saw that in his family and wanted my brother and I to see this awesome love he has for our mom. And we loved it. The truth is when my mother found out, she did not tell me, I was standing over her when she found what she found, and I thought it was spam mail. I knew my father could not be doing that kind of thing. No my parents marriage was not perfect, but they always made sure that we knew adults in relationships have to love and work hard to keep love between the two of them. They taught us that you must fight for what you want and you must want that first. My mom is a strong woman and my father is a strong man. I have learned from the both of them that no matter what, you must respect yourself enough to know and accept responsibility for your actions and to let others know what you will not tolerate in your life or life with them. To get back to the topic. My parents did not lie to us, did not make us think life was all peaches and roses. They did not shelter us from knowing the truth. I remember reaching out several times to the woman that was messing with my dad, I remember asking her how she would feel if her kids found out about her and what she had done. I felt bad for them having to endure what we were going to have to endure. Now mind you, I did this without my parents knowing, moreso because it was such a shock to my system seeing my father in a different light and I wanted answers--may not have been mine to get, but I wanted them nonetheless. Anyway, I remember the woman writing back and saying how she never told her children about the problems in her marriage and that her parents never let them see arguments and all that. But what struck me as odd is when she said "it was grown folks business". Grown Folks business--well you have two sons and a daughter, two parents who are cheaters and you really think that your kids who are older than I am do not feel or smell the foulness in the air. You cannot set them up for failure because now you have three innocent people who are going out into a world with a lie about relationships and they will not know how to cope when the going gets to be tough. My point is this. I felt sorry for her kids, I felt sorry that they would have to endure a life of lies and I hope that they will be better in their relationships than their parents. I told my mother what I did, and just as i expected, she said, what others do in their homes may work for them, but its the actions of the decisions we make that determine how the outcomes will be. I choose to tell my children the truth and I choose to have your father tell you the truth. I want honest kids, a honest family, not judging others, but understanding that I have to be just that more honest when dealing with others and myself. My dad had to tell us directly what he had done. My mother said she was not going to release his failures, that is something he would have to do to his sons and she is the same when it comes to her. I respect both of my parents for being truthful with my brother and I. So parents from the point of view of the child. Tell them the truth. You don't have to go into particulars about the whole ordeal, but tell them the truth so that when they see the hardtimes, they see a family working to make them better and not a bunch of people biting each others heads off at all odd times of the day. They see communication and not shouting and cursing. They see love in the family's eyes and not evil looks across a dinner table. All these things are not something I have experienced, but my parents have and they never thought they'd encounter some issues, but I am glad to say that they have handled them all with respect, dignity, and God.
- DR Monday - 18 / 03 / 2013 Reply
  
  Chandler, Thank you for your honest comment. You are a wise young man. Your Mother sounds like an amazing woman. I love that she allowed your father to share his own failures. That action alone will have a lasting impact.
- Ronnie Tyler Monday - 18 / 03 / 2013 Reply
  
  Wow Chandler..your response gave me chills because you sound like you are much older than a seventeen year old. And, because you provide a perfect example of why parents MUST communicate with their kids. Your parents seem to be very intentional about communicating with you and teaching you life lessons..and I applaud them for that. I hope that your family finds healing ...as I do know that couples/families can survive almost anything ..including infidelity....if they are willing to put in the work.
- Tiya Monday - 18 / 03 / 2013 Reply
  
  Chandler, Thank you for such heartfelt words of wisdom. You are wise beyond your years. Your Mom is setting a wonderful example of honesty and truth within a family. I think it does depend on the age and maturity of the child. But children need to know how to handle adversity within a family unit. Praying for healing for your family.
Val Monday - 18 / 03 / 2013 Reply

We are only human and we make mistakes and our human children need to understand this. I have taken so much advise about how to explain to my daughter that her father does not want to be present in her life but now I have accepted the fact that she needs to know the truth. Either we tell lies or stretch the truth and neither of these is helpful to the child. I decided to her this: I believe that he is in a difficult place right now in his life and is unable to deal with those issues. That said, we can only pray for him to come around and be the father that you so deserve in your life. In the meantime, I am constantly making it my business to place her around loving male family members. Praying for her always!
Chandler Tuesday - 19 / 03 / 2013 Reply

Thank you all for your comments. Yes I am only 17 yrs old. My mom tells me all the time "Boy, you've been here before". I laugh at her, but I am the way I am because my mom has taught me to be sensitive in the spirit to others. She's not a bible frog as people say about others who know God is real and is the creator of their lives and I never for one min can take the credit of being who I am without thanking Him first. I don't mind sharing who I am, because I was taught to be real, flaws and all. We are not perfect people, my mom always says, "I don't strive to be perfect, I just want God to Perfect His Will in me". I agree with her. There are so many things today that are different from my mother's time--not that she is so old or anything like that. She says "she's almost the new 20 give or take 3 years"...I laugh at her more. My point is that, when she grew children were seen and not heard, and then she says, you better not had been seen too much either. But as wel talked about me commenting on this post yesterday, My mom said something that was so profound and I would like to share it. She said, when people keep themselves hidden away from the truth, it only creates hidden people. See we can tell when a person is shy, or outoing, some of us can tell when others are hiding things too. But, when a person comes through a life that has been keeping secrets, they never truly know who they are or what they are to be. I took that to mean this. When parents keep things from their children it hurts us more than helps us. We see you and we know you are hurting. Again, I say, children don't need to know the "who shot john particulars", but tell them that you are crying because of pain, tell them that the pain is real, just as the love is. That way, they know yes it hurts now, but I now it won't always hurt. But for the most part, I took what my mother said to mean this most of all: Lying is lying, no matter who tells it, or why you tell it. It still brings the same outcome. The truth is the truth whether we like it or not, the truth is the truth. Grown folks business I believe as my mom, was a term used to cover secrets, hurts, embarrassments, to make people become faker's. I often wondered about the lady's family, how her parents never told her or her siblings things. I wondered...if her parents had told them, just maybe, just maybe, she would have done things differently in her family--why--because she would have seen how truth brings out the truth and you can work with the truth. It is a choice and it helps you make better ones--unlike lies, or secrets. Your lie will never be better than the truth. Thanks again everyone for your encouragement. I can't wait to show my mom that their are ladies that think just like her, so she won't have to worry about a future wife for me --wayyyyy down the road afterall. I have to get back to class. I wish you all the best and thanks again
Me Tuesday - 19 / 03 / 2013 Reply

There should be some caution to how much info we should share with your child(ren). First know what your child(ren) can handle. I have a daughter who is very sensative and two small boys who really don't understand to much right now. When me and my husband get into a disagreement/outburst my oldest child is very aware of what's happening. People use to tell us never let your childen see us argue or fight. I agree to a certain point. My children has seen me and their dad at it. We try now to apologize to our eldest and younger children for the yelling and sometimes negative words. Then I would sit down and have a convo to see how they are feeling. This brings perspective and sometimes hold me accountable to my actions. I then try to explain that even though mom an dads issues are hurting you, that it has nothing to do with them or any fault of their own. I explain its grown up issues we are working on and I was choosing wrong words and actions. They see me and dad makeup as well as apologize while working through our issues. I explain that people in life like friends have disagreements but the most important part is making things right in its time. Great communication between parents and children are important. There can be negative and or good consequences exposing kids to adult issues. It should never come from a place anger that you are bashing a parent or making them choose sides, that's just wrong.