The Pain Was Unbearable; My Journey to Healing after Divorce

BY: - 20 Aug '13 | Marriage

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by Michelle G Cameron

I started on a new journey almost 8 years ago. I remember my nervousness as I packed my things and those of my son and made a quick exit on a rainy fall night. I was nervous because it seemed crazy to those who were outsiders looking in that I would leave what seemed like a perfect situation. But those who lived inside knew that it was only a facade. Very little was real aside from the fact that we were human beings using our correct (“government”) names.

I got tired of pretending that everything was alright. My marriage went south almost immediately after the vows were said. I realized it was a mistake within a few days afterwards, but I was determined to stick it out to make it work. Who ever heard of someone inviting over 300 people, including those from overseas, to celebrate and eat then walking out within a few days?

I stayed – for 8 years. I was married for 9.5 years. The years dragged on, and I tried to make the best of it. I tried to “save” us from falling flat on our faces many times, including working 2 jobs to make ends meet. I remember playing Russian Roulette with money to see if we could pay everything like we should….

One thing after another happened, and when marital infidelity reared its ugly head I was reeling. It was too painful. WHY???? What did I do to deserve that?!?! I’ll tell you what I did to deserve it; I did not believe God when He showed me what was happening before we got married. I thought it was all in my head, just my paranoia. How wrong I was! I trusted what my natural eyes saw instead of what God showed me.

Disobedience, fear and unbelief carry very expensive price tags. (Selah)

After repeated attempts to get us on the right track, I gave up. I realized I wanted something that both of us did not want; I tried to impose the seriousness of the matter to the other party and the rebellion and threats began. (sigh)

As one action/statement led to another, the “writing on the wall” was clear – one of us HAD to leave. After he threatened to do harm to our house if I made him leave I decided to be the one to move out. It was almost too easy to say goodbye to a place I lived in for almost 8 years – the pain of loneliness plagued me every time I entered those doors anyway so why not say goodbye? It is horrible to be married AND to be lonely.

After we moved out, my son was despondent for a while; he cried for his dad several times and asked where he was. He would say he wanted to go home and I had to say “This is our new home now.” Anyone who says breaking up is not that big of a deal is LYING. Straight up. But when the other choice is to live in utter misery and with the possibility of something terrible happening from staying, you do what you need to do to save lives.

The tears I cried cannot be quantified. The prayers I prayed are almost immeasurable. As the hours became days, weeks and months, my inner rage began to dissipate. I was more level-headed and could see more clearly what role I played in prolonging the insanity over the years. When you become an enabler, the person with the problem does not take personal responsibility for his/her actions. The enabler instead gets all the blame when things get ugly.

Soon, I adjusted to peaceful days and nights; no arguments, no all-night pleadings, no more dread of what was coming next. As the years have gone by I have had to unravel the consequences of my foolish actions, but with each problem resolved, I have grown up. I am closer to realizing my greatest dreams, and my journey to complete deliverance via the path of forgiveness (in this instance) has almost ended.

When you can look at your pain and share it with others without falling apart; when you can laugh with the person who made you cry almost daily; and when you can love your child without anger at his other parent, forgiveness and healing has definitely taken place.

God is the God of second, third, etc chances. We are the ones who give people “three strikes and you’re out”. I am thankful He is preparing me for another opportunity to love. I feel unworthy, but I know it is because of His mercy, grace, unfailing love and forgiveness why this will be possible.

Prayer:

Oh God, I want to thank You for doing the impossible inside my heart and my mind. I know You have better ahead for me. Help me to receive what You have in store with heartfelt gratitude and honor. You deserve ALL my praise and worship. You alone are God, and You have already proven to me that nothing is impossible with You.I wait on You. AMEN.

BMWK – What steps are you taking to heal after experiencing so much pain in a relationship?

Michelle Cameron is an avid writer since the age of 15 with recent features on The Virtuous Diva, the Chat Kafe Blog and Chronicles of a Future Wife, and released her first book, “It’s My Life and I Live Here: One Woman’s Story” in 2011. Michelle is honing the art of public speaking to inspire and uplift women with her testimony. Michelle currently resides in New Jersey and is the mother of one son. Connect with Michelle’s blog at “Life, Love and Other Topics: My Commentary”.

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25 WordPress comments on “The Pain Was Unbearable; My Journey to Healing after Divorce

  1. Ericka

    ‘When you can look at your pain and share it with others without falling apart; when you can laugh with the person who made you cry almost daily; and when you can love your child without anger at his other parent, forgiveness and healing has definitely taken place.’ I LOVE THAT! So true. Thanks for sharing.

    Reply
  2. Sherri Cager

    Thanks for this believing story, I am going to share this with my girlfriend daughter who is going through this right now. I am going to share the prayer as well. Thanks for being real and open, and honest.

    Reply
  3. malta nelson

    Your story has really touched my heart because holding up a facade can really have an impact on you and sometime people don’t realize how much infidelity hurts a woman and a marriage .I come from a culture where your suppose to take it for better or worse and there comes a time when you just can’t. You are a strong women and I commend you for that . Little bye little I have come to the realization that you have to make decisions that are best for you.

    Reply
    1. Michelle

      Hi Malta, I am also from a similar culture, and I was the first in my immediate family to call it quits on a marriage. I was embarrassed, but I now realize that peace of mind is priceless!

      Reply
  4. Pingback: Another Black and Married with Kids Article! | Life, Love and Other Topics: My Commentary

  5. k(Black)

    Michelle,
    Thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to do that. I survived something similar. After watching my parents be and stay married for over 50+yrs it was hard. But I’d seen older siblings go through and come out the other side of divorce so I knew it was possible for me to make it through. Now I’m currently married to a lovely and very special woman! We’ve been married 8yrs strong. Thankfully she’s a strong woman that could see past the baggage, bad attitude, and anger I carried from my first marriage. God truly is a God of second chances. And I’m making the best of it!

    Reply
  6. CJ

    Such a blessing. Thank you for sharing. God is a God of restoration. He can restore love, peace, joy, and years lost. Thank you again for sharing your story.

    Reply
  7. Miami's Finest

    This is such a powerful story. I am currently going through this similar situation. My husband of 3 years left me about a month ago. He has not looked back. He wants a divorce and told me not to contest it. I still love him, but I truly know that there is something else going on in the background (other women, etc.). I also feel like he has a mental illness that he has been trying to hide from me. I am aware of issues with depression, but I also feel like he has mostly all of the symptoms of bipolar disease. Because he won’t go and see a doctor about the depression or anything else, it has made our marriage into a nightmare! His family won’t fess up and let me know what they know about his history or mental health. They basically shut me out when he leaves, as he has done every year of our marriage, and goes to live with them for a few weeks. I am exhausted by the back and forth. I am in limbo because I am not sure what he has in his head because he won’t call me and I haven’t reached out to him anymore either. I noticed that a lot of the other commenters are having relationship issues as well. Is this WAR on the Black Family or what? Do we need a special type of MANDATORY marriage counseling before we all get married as people of color? I almost wonder. I am seeing too many single mothers and divorcees lately. Something has got to give!

    Reply
    1. Michelle

      Thank you for reading!
      I have decided that pre-marital counseling – heck, even pre-engagement counseling is definitely happening. There is NO WAY I will get married again without it!

      Reply
  8. Shawntay Rivers

    Wow, I could completely relate to this article. When I first began to read it I felt like you were telling my story. I too received signs from God that I was not supposed to be with my husband. My marriage went from being wonderful to me being cheated on, beaten, disrespected, and almost killed. After all of that I still kept allowing him back into my life. I for some reason thought that if I stayed and loved him hard enough that he would be healed and changed. It wasn’t until I found out that he had set eyes on my 13 year old daughter that I could finally leave without looking back. I too wrote a book about my experience and I’m praying that people will read it and learn to be obedient when God is speaking to you.

    Reply
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  10. bleedingheart

    My husband of 10 years had 3 long term affairs with his nurses (he’s an MD). He never wanted to divorce or leave until I finally (after 3rd affair)decided to look for love elsewhere also. It was a weak way for me to get the courage to leave. We got divorced in November 2013. He married one of his nurses in Dec. 2013 with baby on the way, yet I am to blame. He publicly humiliates me and blames me for every single affair he had. Unfortunately i am still having a hard time getting over him and his eccentric ways. We have 2 children together. His new baby will be his 7th child with the fourth woman.

    Reply
  11. Pingback: My Journey to Healing after Divorce | Michelle G. Cameron

  12. Ann

    Wow, I was just up surfing the web and shedding tears over divorce after 15 years, three kids, and a dog. It’s comforting in knowing I’m not alone.

    Reply
  13. Anonymous

    Michelle i have been divorced for 5 years, and i have no clue how it came to that point. I still love my ex husband. I just found out he is having another baby with his girl friend and it hurts so much.

    Reply
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