5 Ways You May Have Pulled a “Bait and Switch” on Your Husband

BY: - 18 Dec '13 | Marriage

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by Kimberly Turner,

It is true! A man sued his wife for being ugly and won. The judge awarded him $120,000 because he got married under false pretenses.  By his standards, the wife appeared beautiful so when the “ugly” child was born he was pissed to say the least. At first he was sure she was cheating on him; the child could not be his.  But later, he learned of her “bait and switch”.  She had undergone $100,000 in cosmetic surgery before they even met and never told him.

Now I know you are thinking you didn’t do anything that extreme…I hope.  And it calls into question why he never saw pictures of her, as a kid, or what her family looked like.  But oh well, the point is, we have all done at least one “bait and switch” when it comes to getting a man.

But this can later ruin the relationship.  As it was put, so eloquently, to me by a man: “The core of most men is based on the physical. Men know what we like when we see it and men don’t want to be emotionally detained – forced to accept what we no longer enjoy seeing – when the object of our desire decides that she no longer cares enough to look desirable.”

So here are 5 common ”bait and switch” things that women do to get a man and easy ways for you to fix them so you don’t emotionally detain him:

Bait and Switch #1. You are literally twice the woman you used to be.  Now I know in advance this one will be touchy, but I have to touch it.  It is important to acknowledge that when you feel good about your body, you exhibit more confidence and that is sexy.  So if you were a gym rat before you got your man, but now you are just a fat cat, you need to lose some weight.

I can already hear the complaints and excuses that you don’t have enough time to get back in the gym. And for some of you, you have convinced your husbands of it as well.  Just recently I ran into an old high school classmate who shared a very flattering story of how another classmate thought I was the only person to keep it pulled together after all of  these years.  As he shared this story, I realized it was a backhanded compliment as he added in that he told the other guy I didn’t have kids so of course I was fit.  How not true!  My businesses are my “babies” and they can take up all of my time and attention. So I schedule my workouts because being fit is important to me.  Plus, he must have missed the images of fit women all over Facebook who have children.

I told you this so you know there are no excuses unless of course there is an illness and then you get a pass.  Otherwise, get your ______ (rhymes with pass) up 30 minutes before your children and do something…go for a quick run, put in a workout dvd, do some old school calisthenics.  It takes 3,500 calories to lose a pound so why not shoot for burning at least one a week and you will start seeing results in no time… so you can get back to being the woman he married.

Bait and Switch #2. Your lingerie drawer disappeared.  You used to have one before you caught him.  But now you haven’t bought lingerie since you got married.  Why would you do that to him (or to you)? Lingerie makes you feel sexy and can improve the actual act of sex.

As a personal stylist, I am always amazed when I am out with a client and we go into a dressing room to try on fabulous clothes, and I find her in raggedy underwear.  If you can tell by now, I am pretty blunt so I typically say to her “When we are done here, we are going to get some new bras and panties.”  Now this part of the process is important because the right undergarments make your clothes look so much better…eliminates panty lines, bra lines and bumpiness, etc.  Also, the right undergarments can help you look sexy and turn him on.  I’ve gotten calls from my clients’ husbands later to just to say “thanks”.

Now you might not be shopping with a stylist and would argue that you aren’t spending money on underwear and especially not sexy underwear when your kids need shoes.  So go for underwear that does double duty.  I love panties with removable garters.  Without the garters, they work for you every day.  With the garters and stockings, you have the makings for a great night.  Perfect for wearing under a wrap dress or skirt with a slight slit so your husband knows what he is getting later.

Now, if garters are just going too far for you, start slow and at least buy some matching sets.  And please, choose panties that don’t go all the way up your back.  Those granny panties are horrible!  As a woman, I am even appalled by them so I can imagine a man being tortured by them too.

Bait and Switch #3.  You don’t care how you look in public.  Oh, you used to be that girl that had the perfect outfit for every occasion.  When he came and picked you up, you were hot. He was afraid to leave the table because he was sure other guys would flock to you.  And now when you do go out, you wear what you wore to work, which also needs an upgrade but I will leave that topic for another time.  So if you work in a corporate office, you’ve got on that conservative attire and if work from home, you have on…dare I say…sweats?  A male friend of mine always says women in those yoga pants “are the worst”.  But somehow you think those pants are appropriate everywhere.  So now your husband is no longer worried about leaving you alone.  Actually, he is more worried that someone will recognize him and he will have to introduce them to his not-so-hot wife.

So get hot again.  Make your goal to have your man say “dayyyuuummm” every time you go out together.  Now with kids, you might get out once a week or once a month.  But whenever it is, put maximum effort so you are the hot woman he used to be afraid to leave alone at the table.

Bait and Switch #4.  You packed away the pumps.  Yep, you were rocking stilettos every date. He didn’t even know you were that short until the first night you stayed over and you took off your shoes.  Assuming you took them off but I won’t touch that…lol.

But now your focus is on comfort so you wear wedges, UGS, Crocs, etc.  Did you know that a recent survey revealed that those first three are the shoes men hate the most?  Now, I’m not asking you to sacrifice comfort, I am just reminding you that heels make your legs look strong, longer and sexier.  So at least consider forgoing the wedges, UGS and Crocs on date night.  They are definitely NOT HOT!

Bait and Switch #5. Your hair disappeared.  Long, permed, or bought, he fell in love with that look AND then you decided you should be a natural girl.  I am even guilty of this one.  I dated a guy once and when we met I had this huge, funky, curly afro thanks to the added weave.  Well, after a couple of months of dating, it was time for the hair to come out.  And after that frustrating transition of what to do with my hair, I cut it all off.  Yep, I went from tons of hair to no hair.  He was really cool about it as I went through the process.  However, when I was working on this post, I called him and asked what he really thought.  He told me it was like readjusting to a new person, but he recognized that hair was a sensitive subject for black women so he was definitely not going to say anything to me about it.

Now, I’m not going to tell you to stick to that unhealthy perm if you are dying to go natural; I’m just going to suggest that you make him part of the process. Remember your hair change is going to be an adjustment for him too.  And if he likes long hair, you might want to take that short hairstyle off of your next hairstyle list. Talk to him and together come up with a style that you can manage and one that he will love to look at.

Remember physical attraction is what brings us together.  We get to know each other and hopefully learn to love their heart.  But that does not erase the personal physical preferences we have…someone who is fit, long permed hair and impeccably dressed.  If you didn’t fit his physical preferences at the beginning, consider, you may have never dated your husband.  So is it fair that now that you have him, you make him adjust to new physical aspects — forced to accept what he never would have chosen? If you think that is as unfair as I do, re-read the list and get started becoming who you presented yourself to be and who he used to desire.

BMWK – Do you have some additional “bait and switches’? Share them in the comments below.

Kimberly Turner, your personal stylist, is a contributing writer for Black and Married with Kids. Kimberly has an MBA from the University of Michigan and an Image Consulting Certification from the Fashion Institute of Technology in New York City. Kimberly lives in the Windy city of Chicago and is the host of FashionCents.tv.

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13 WordPress comments on “5 Ways You May Have Pulled a “Bait and Switch” on Your Husband

  1. Dacia W.

    This can all be prevented if we be our authentic self from day ONE! We all go through changes to our looks, but character is what counts. I get that men are visual beings, but if all you have going for you is a hot body, long weaves and trendy clothes….welp you see my point. Dress for keeps ladies! Make keeping yourself up a priority and not just to catch a man because you’re worth it!

      1. Anonymous

        I hope you do not leave your wife because of this…She might be unhappy too…did you ever consider that…maybe there is a reason she is that way

  2. Anonymous

    So, if I decide to not where a weave, to wear more comfortable shoes and undies, my man is more likely to disappear?


    1. Anonymous

      Thank you! This entire article is bull. So she needs to stay the same woman or twenty-something year old he met way back when for the rest of her life? Child please. A real man who loved a woman would not leave or pitch a fit about any of this.

  3. yeahright

    Sorry but I WHOLEHEARTEDLY disagree with most of this article. The writer does not have any children…. that was all I needed to read. There’s NO way to compare a child/children to a job, career or business! No comparison!… with that said some of these things on this list change with added responsibilities, growing families, and changing needs……. a REAL man who’s invested in his woman whos given him children. .. will understand that. So she’s not wearing stilettos everyday, bc she’s chasing your children around and making sure they are safe… let’s be real who chases a toddler in a pair of 6 inch heels??? Get Real!! Or please get some advice from women who do have other added responsibilities before you put these untruths out there. No wonder a bunch of guys are agreeing….smh

    1. 50/50

      Simply tell your husband that you can either chase kids or wear heels and that it’s his choice. You’ll be surprised at how much busywork you’ve hoarded to avoid holding yourself physically accountable.

  4. Don't Forget The Sex

    You didn’t mention changing sexual habits. The frequency of intercourse and the choice of sex acts are something that couples need to discuss and keep front and center in their relationship.

  5. 50/50

    I wish Kim had left the child thing out, because it shows a lack of reverence for her own mother as well as a lack of humility and perspective as a person and as an author. As a man married to a medical resident with an eight month old son, the order is as follows:

    - Nothing is more frustrating than a woman who all of a sudden thinks that the gaggle of women she couldn’t stand before marriage all of a sudden matter.

    Bedtime attire is no.2
    Sexual frequency is no.3
    Fitness is no.4
    Regression in sexual creativity is no.5

  6. -switched

    My hot looking wife did a “bait-n-switch” and became my WORST nightmare. She pretended to be very kinky (even sleeping and showering and flirting with women in front of me) and dirty BEFORE marriage/living together, but once living together only wanted vanilla natural sex and no other people around. She also continued right on chatting with guy friends (texting them) and never has stopped that. She thinks she can CONTROL my sexuality and bend it to HER WILL and she cannot. I have cheated on her before and will often due to this, I may leave her because of it, even though we have kids now.


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