by Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
With summer on our heels it’s time to start pulling out our warmest, colorful and lightest clothing. In my search to find cute summer styles I often come up empty handed because most of the dresses and skirts are thigh-level, simply put they are minis. Lots of the tops are low cut and basically designed to reveal the ta-tas. Now these styles work for many, but for some (me in particular) they just don’t work.
Part of the reason is I am no longer in my 20’s nor am I the size I was when I was 20. But the major reason is that I am a man’s wife and the mommy of a couple of little girls. It’s important to me how I represent them. I realize this may not be a big deal for most moms. In fact I’ve seen quite a few out with their children in clothing I would only wear to a night club, if then.
To each his/her own. For me, it matters what my family thinks of me. I want my girls to learn, by watching me, what’s appropriate. I choose for my husband to be confident in knowing that his wife’s goodies are for his eyes only. A few days ago a young lady posted a status update on Facebook about men referring to her as sexy, and how much that word bothered her, but in all of her pictures, she’s dressed in short, tight and revealing clothing. We have to acknowledge the fact that yes, it may be unfortunate, but people judge us by how we dress. I prefer that my daughters know this and dress and act accordingly. Now when I shop, the question I ask has become “can a mommy wear that?”
BMWK, Are there certain things that parents and spouses just shouldn’t wear?
By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter, a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing, creator of The Black Wives’ Club and an Administrator of Still Dating My Spouse. Tiya resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.
Interesting. See, I’m actually a little terrified of that question and it’s definitely not one I ask when I go shopping lol! To me “mom” clothing = boring, outdated and non-trendy clothing, which goes against how I want to be represented. I do agree that clothing keeps getting shorter and shorter. But I think that if you’ve got the figure to rock certain styles…then go ahead. Now I’m not saying everywhere, but places where it’s appropriate. But to me it comes down to being comfortable in what you’re wearing and sending out the message you want….
clothing isn’t getting much shorter.. But I do think what’s accepted is.
But yeah, I wrote a blog about not wanting my mom to be ‘sexy’.. just real weird.. but maybe that’s my problem you know?
With all of the issues we all have out here.. esp dealing with appearance… i say wear what you wanna wear. Just be happy.
For me, it was a process. When I first became a Mother (12 years ago), my choice is clothing did not change. I still wore the tight fitting, figure defining clothes. I thought if I had the figure then why not. But, as my girls got a little older and I matured as well, I realized that they are very impressionable. It was more important for me to show them what is appropriate than just tell them. So, it took a few years, but I must agree that there are some things a Mother should not wear. I still dress sexy for my husband, but it’s a different type of sexy. I realized that I don’t have to have everything hanging out or skin tight clothes to look nice. Sometimes, changing where you shop and ensuring a proper fit can achieve amazing results!
On a related note, I am not a mother. But I am having a little problem with my wardrobe as well. I recently turned 30, but could easily pass for early 20’s, if not late teens. Be that as it may, it may not look inappropriate for me to wear the trendy clothes of 20 year olds being that I can still fit them and pass for one of them. But I want to dress more “my age;” I’m just not quite sure what that is. I don’t want to look like a teenybopper when I go out, but I don’t want to look matronly either. Any suggestions?
Thanks.
I agree with some parts of this, mainly because if your a young mother its alittle confuseing. You want to maitain your youthful look but at the same time want to be respecrful of Motherhood. Personally, I dont put the ta ta’s out unless im with my partner. When we go to eat and out about town, im dressed with respect of family; respect of self. leave someting to the imagination 🙂
Good morning BMWK!
This is the perfect article for me to put in on because I am an Image Consultant and I get this very question/scenario from my female clients all of the time. We live in a time where certainly anything goes, but when it comes to your personal style/image you HAVE to ask yourself SHOULD anything go? I tell my clients that they don’t have to sacrifice great style just because they’re someones mom and/or wife. The key to looking great is to stay current and always take your lifestyle and age into consideration. For instance does it make sense for a 30 year old, working mother of twins to wear her designer suit out on the weekends to play with her children. NO! She would look ridiculous and unstable for that matter. The same is true of mothers who choose to wear overly revealing clothing while out with their children.
There are ways to look the part of wife and mother without looking matronly and outdated. I do it everyday and I teach my clients to do it! Balance is the key to everything if life. Including your personal style/image. :0)
If you want my help, I’m here and I’m good at what I do! ;0)
@RW
I am an Image Consultant and I specialize in this very area. A good portion of my clients come to me with the same issue. Maybe I can help…Let me know what I can do for you. :0)
@Fontaine – Exactly! 🙂
I became a mom at 20 and I’m like, “Well, what do I wear now?” I have written before on the site how I put away my stilletos and put on flats and started covering up more. But I just didn’t feel sexy anymore. I didn’t want to look like “Mom” – high-waisted jeans and holiday sweaters. I wanted to feel like ME.
So I started the new rule of only showing a lot of skin in one area. Meaning, if I have a lot of cleavage going on, then I’ll have on pants. If I have on a mini skirt, then I’ll tone down the cleavage. It helps to be sexy, but not too too sexy. 🙂
.-= Tara´s last blog ..Giveaway winners: My Brother Charlie =-.
I was a young mother with my daughter and I didn’t alter my wardrobe at all- I wore the same thing that all of the other 20 year olds were wearing. When I met my husband he would complain sometimes about the length of the skirts I wore out so I toned it down some. These days my style is definitely more conservative than it was when I was 20 but to be honest I’ve never thought about it in reference to being a mom. I think it moreso has to do with the fact that 1) I’m not going out to clubs etc. anymore so at most of the types of places that I go skimpy clothes would be innapropriate and 2) I don’t have the same body that I did 10 years ago so I don’t feel as comfortable in them.
I do wear some of the sexier looking outfits on occasion though when my husband and I go out. I think that if you feel comfortable and look good in it, its not offensive i.e. doesn’t have body parts hanging out, and you are wearing in the right venue, like not to the PTA meeting, I don’t necessarily think that you have to dress in traditional “mommy” or “over 30” clothes.
@ Tara
I agree with you and I would like to add that part of the transition into our roles as mom and/or wife is to redefine what it means to be sexy, alluring, and attractive. Is your behind hanging out of a pair of daisy duke shorts still sexy at my age (which is 32). Not really…and I’m a petite woman, but it’s no longer age appropriate nor is it appropriate for my lifestyle. So, I would end up looking like I was trying too hard rather than looking sexy.
I think this is a perfect example of ‘just because you CAN doesn’t mean you SHOULD. I’m a 31 year old mom of an 11 year old daughter & 10 year old son. But I am told often (I’m in college pursuing a 2nd degree) that I look 20. I don’t want to look 20; I want to look 31. Especially when I’m out with my family.
You don’t have to dress matronly, but let’s leave the junior section of the department stores and places like Charlotte Ruesse & Ambercrombie OUT of your wardrobe choices.
My 36 year old sister drives me insane. 4 kids ranging from 18 to 2 and she still squeezes into her 16 year olds jeans & shirts.
In the end, most women end up looking ridiculous. As a 35 year old dad would if his entire wardrobe was Rocawear, Air Force ones and platinum chains!
Yes, yes, yes……I am a young mother and I have been told by my friends that I dress like a mother. I think to myself what am I supposed to dress like. I demand respect and I give my kids and husband respect. I have never dresses in a non-respectful manner. Some of these mothers should take heed to dressing like a mother when they have children and not dressing worse than their children.
@ Tonya
I think it’s wonderful that you take your role as a mother so seriously, but are you sacrificing style? Are your clothing unflattering for your lifstyle, your age group, your personality, etc. As an image consultant I help my clients understand the balance that we must learn to achieve in all areas of our lives and that does not exclude our appearance. Your children are watching you and they will adopt a ceratin perception of you and motherhood based on what you are showing them. Are you putting your best foot forward? Are you taking care of yourself in a way that says I am a valuable person and I love myself? Children learn to care for themselves based on how we care for ourselves. Not from what we tell them to do. Do as I say…Not as I do doesn’t work in this area either. Just some food for thought… :0)
I had our oldest son when I was 20….I did not try to dress like a “mom”..that was not even a thought…but I don’t think I ever dressed like a hoochie either. I think our dress should be age appropriate. And if you are married, then I don’t think you should dress in a way that calls too much attention to your body.
.-= Ronnie´s last blog ..Can A Mommy Wear That? =-.
I think “Mommies” can still have their swagger without giving in to the current trends. But, you will never catch me in a pair of “Mom-Jeans”! LOL! I do admit though that after i had my son I became a little frumpy. The flat shoes, while comfortable made me lazy and I pushed the heels to the back of my closet. My hair, well, I got some clip in’s (weave) and it made me lazy. I stopped buying contacts, because it was too easy to put on glasses. Then one day –on my 35th birthay to be exact–I had taken pictures and when go the pictures back–I looked at how FRUMPY I had become. Most of it was because I was just too tired to make an effort–new moms get zero sleep. Then I realized that I had to step it up a bit, this was not the woman that my husband married. So, I gave myself a mini make-over–I ditched the weave, dyed my hair a shade of red and pulled my heels from the back of the closet. I am in the process of creating my own “mommie” swagger. I even bought a few new tops and appropriate skinny jeans! I’m looking like a HAWT mommy now, without the mini-skrits or the “mom” jeans!
idk if its hard to dress age apropriate as much as it is to just be dressed decent. i am 33 and i do not want my tatas or tail hanging out for every man to gawk at, nor do i want my 16y.o. tatas and tail hanging out for the h.s boys and grown men to salivate over. she is young and struggles to find clothing that wont put her business on blast. but when in doubt we just keep our tatas under wrap with a cute tank top. there so many kinds and types that make it nsuper easy. as for our tails she wears capris and the skinny jeans but i always check for mr camel and i just wear jeans and skirts. too short for capris. but we also will have our clothing taylored and tapered as needed. got that from what not to wear!!! they always have good advice.as for my son belts are enforced with a strictness and my husband would never walk around with his draws showing in home and out in public.
@RW, that’s where I am too, not trying to look like the youngsters, but not trying to look like my seasoned sisters either, I am stuck in the middle. Sharee, I do need your help 🙂
I became a mother at 22 years of age, and that is when my wardrobe identity crisis began. I wanted to look cute and sexy, but on the other hand, it made me feel a little odd carrying a toddler across a parking lot and having my cleavage/behind bouncing (while someone was blowing their horn and saying slap-worthy things). Certain clothes just don’t look right when you are a mom. To me, there is nothing wrong with dressing sexy for an anniversary date or something, but to show up at my child’s preschool with a skirt and shirt so reavealing that I have to constantly tug every 3 minutes is plain wrong. I’m 25, and although I still like to dress sexy, I have toned it down alot. And now that I’m in my older 20’s, I know that dressing sexy does not have to mean letting everything hang out.
As a former teacher, now SAHM, oh how I wish more moms would actually give this topic some thought. Or anything regarding their appearance A thought… It is ridiculous how many young ladies come out of the house in an outfit that should never have been on a rack, much less come off of one; and show up to the school for a conference or pick their child/children up! Yes, it’s getting hot and we want to show off our sex appeal too. But when we give thought to the fact that we are role models for our daughters and respect our husbands, we can, and many of us do exude mature sexiness without baring it all for the world! My pastor used to call it barbed wire clothing: Protects the property but don’t hide nothing! There is a way to be classy and gorgeous at the same time. It’s all in the desires of the person getting dressed!
As a wife and mother of 2, I thought this article and its responses were quite interesting. I am 24 years old so I must agree with those who said it depends on the age of the mother. At 50, you wouldnt wear a mini skirt. (but if you want, who am I to judge?) I am not the “typical” 20-something year old young woman. I dont frequent clubs, and bars, and much of anywhere these days for that matter. However, when I do get that rare chance to go out, I love looking my best. I love wearing little black dresses… and stillettos. I dont think this fact will change when Im 30 or 40 for that matter. Sure, there is a time and a place for certain clothing BUT I dont think a woman should “let herself go” or feel pressured to dress a certain way because she is a mother and/or a wife. Sure there are certain things I would not wear because I am a married woman and I dont want to send the wrong message to single men when I go out, but at the same time, I refuse to be seen in something atrocious because my husband liked it and put a ring on it. lol
Women are beautiful beings. We are made to be sexy, the definition of which is based on who you ask. I wont be caught dead in a pair of “mom jeans” just because I have been blessed with 2 beautiful children. I think women should not be concerned with how society feels they should present themselves. I think life is all about being an individual. Regardless of age, you should dress how you feel. At 40 I dont plan to give up my stilettos or my little black dresses… the hubby loves when Im hott and so do I. Who cares who thinks its inappropriate?
Hi Tiya! I am here for you, Girl! If you’d like to get in touch with me and you’re serious about wanting help in this area visit my website: http://www.heavenlystyling4u.com and send me an email. We can get the ball rolling on perfecting your personal style. Any of you who might be interested in some tweaking of your “Mommy Swagger” give me a holla! :0)
@ Chandra
I read your comment. I liked your pastors description of “barb wire clothing.” LOL That’s the perfect description for it. I hope he doesn’t mind, because I will DEFINITELY be using that one in future conversations with my clients who like to channel their inner hooch. ;0)
I am 25 years old and I have quite a bit of children but I dress in between sexy, classy and mommy like. I f I wear a skirt that shows my legs, the shortest is right above my knee and my heels are 2 inches max or I will wear those sexy but conservative flat sandles that ties up your leg (my husband loves them). I also wear fitted jeans that are tight but not tight as in cut off ur circulation with a cute up to date tank top or vneck shirt. And I always where sneakers lol but I would say I am in between and I still look and feel sexy!
I do agree. As a mom of triplets, I choose my wardrobe carefully as well. I want my sons to look at me as an example of how a lady should dress.
LOL !!!i think i have found a fool proof way to make sure our skirts/shorts are at an appropriate length. get a pair of full coverage underpants put them on, bend over,yes!!! bend over(cause if you trip and fall you dont want your business on blast still)) and if anything shows even the trim KNOW THAT WHAT YOU HAVE ON BELONGS ON YOUR DAUGHTER AND TAKE IT OFF LOL(:-0!!!!!!!
I just want to set a good example for my 12 year old daughter. My husband & I both confide in her and value her opinion when making fashion decisions. We just merely want to set a good example!
@Fran, I love it. LOL, great test!
My kidz call me old fashion because I buy everything big.(If your are a medium, you get a large)
People NEED TO WATCH WHAT THE’Y WEAR in front of their kids. Y ou’re a parent now, so, don’t go out looking like a HOOCHIE. the’re lots of sights out there that have clothes for people who value modesty, and the’re CUTE TOO
I will never forget this, I was at a parent teacher conference with my daughter when she was in High School and one of her classmates mother’s showed up with sweat pants on. NO PROBLEM BUT ON THE BACKSIDE OF THE SWEATPANTS WAS A PINK STAR, WHAT MESSAGE ARE YOU SENDING TO YOU KIDS!
some people think that once they become a mommy, they have no identity. That is not so, but you also have to remember you are providing life lessons for your child be it a little girl or boy. Some things are just not for you to wear in public. Respect yourself first of all, your husband and your children. Your son will be looking for a wife like his mother, and your daughter will want to look like her mom.
Yes. Moms can wear that. I will allow my wife to wear it (she is a mom).
Yes. Moms can wear that. I will allow my wife to wear it (she is a mom).
While I think it’s very personal what we choose to wear, our clothing choices definitely send a message! I also don’t want to send a message that I’m “available” or looking to be “sexy.” It just doesn’t feel right as a mom and wife.
I think moms can wear it, but they must be mindful of the environment they wear more revealing articles of clothing. I am a mother of two, and a wife. I know how to dress appropriately for particular settings. Far toooooo often women ‘let themselves go’ or lose a sense of sex appeal after they become a wife/mother. Yes, your goodies are for your spouse only…but you don’t want to look like the librarian all the time too. Spice it up sometimes..remind your spouse of your ‘swag’. Sometimes your spouse may want you to look “hot” when you go out in public. Your children need to see an even balance. You are a wife, mother, AND an individual. Men often complain their spouses lose that sex appeal…we do that a lot! By all means, don’t walk around in public looking like a prostitute…but don’t lose that sass appeal either! 🙂 (and of course don’t look too inappropriate while out in public with your kids!) Find that balance!
I am not yet a mother. But I have been married for 7 years and am over 30. These two factors alone have altered my approach to my wardrobe and fashion. There are some things that my husband thinks are ok to wear (and he’d even like to see me in) that I feel are inappropriate for a married woman or a woman over 30. I have friends with children who have told me that if they had my body they would absolutely wear more revealing clothing. To each his own, but I totally see it differently. That being said, I am sure I will have a different mentality once I am Blessed with children too.
I think its a personal choice. There are certain things I wouldn’t wear, I shop at stores that have similar items that the younger women are wearing, but are made for the more mature woman; allowing one to look beautiful and still feel sexy, tastefully.