If we are honest, those of us in one, recognize marriage can be difficult. A couple should never lead others to believe that disagreements, arguments and yes frustration don’t exist in a marriage. Simply put, sometimes married people just don’t get along. For some, when we disagree, there is snapping, pouting and even yelling. With the goal being to get a point across, be understood and occasionally be victorious, some will do whatever is necessary. However, those reactions never benefit our relationship. So, let’s discuss the healthy actions we can take to minimize the drama.
The next time you find yourself in a quarrel with your spouse stop, look, listen and try these healthy actions instead:
- Make sure it is what you think it is. Get a clear understanding of the situation and examine all of the facts prior to reacting negatively.
- Discuss the situation with your spouse. Don’t pretend whatever it is didn’t happen. The only way to deal with an issue is to acknowledge it exists. If it hurt you tell your spouse, because more than likely that wasn’t the intent.
- Question your initial response first. Ask yourself is what I am about to say or do reasonable and am I possibly overreacting to the situation.
- Pray for your marriage that it not only overcomes today’s challenge but all future disagreements.
- Before you respond start off by telling your spouse how much you love him/her. Doing this sets the tone of the conversation.
- If you are still able to civilly communicate and can control your voice levels, take the conversation to a new location. Taking a walk to the backyard, a nearby park, or a restaurant may be helpful. A change of scenery could positively affect the mood of the situation.
- Get over it. Once you have decided this dispute isn’t that big of a deal, move on.
- Be honest about your contributions. Ask yourself what role you play in the problem as well as the solution.
- Initiate the peace by being the bigger person and apologizing first. My husband taught me this one. He would often take the lead in apologizing and making sure we got back to a happy place. Once I got over myself, I was able to do that too.
- Look for the lesson and apply it. Every challenge is an opportunity to grow.
With two imperfect people in a relationship, there is bound to be some controversy. Understand that couples are going to fuss and fight; but how you fight will make all the difference.
BMWK, have you tried any of the above actions? If so, how did it affect your marriage?
Dympulz says
I am anxious to try several of these. My spouse and I had a disagreement the other night. I got my points out, but I don’t know how effectively. Basically, he said I was overreacting and letting outside influences interfere with our relationship. It’s simple stuff about his lack of communication that’s turning out to make me feel disrespected and as if he has no regard for my feelings. An example is he didn’t make it home one evening nor did he call to let me know. He said his cell crashed b/c he forgot to do something with the SD card after he “flashed the ROM” on his phone & he couldn’t remember my phone number. He didn’t make it hone until 9pm the next evening. Gave no apology after giving what he felt like was a good explanation. Brought it up during our last discussion & all he gathered was that I didn’t want him hanging with his friwnds. Have I married a man sized child?
justbeingme says
Can’t say that you married man sized child but what points were you trying to get him to understand? Hanging with friends are fine, right? But not coming home until 9pm the next day causes room for speculation. One rule that I learned from a past relationship is….”make sure your actions don’t give your spouse/sig. other reason to think cheating is going on”. And Im sorry Dympulz but not coming home until 9pm….red flags are flying everywhere.
Dympulz says
The importance of keeping an open line of communication was the theme. Friday night, I texted him when my daughter and I were on our way home asking him if he needed anything…as I always do…he replied no…that he was good…we get home to an empty house…he hadn’t mentioned that he was going to hang out earlier in the day…and he didn’t feel it important to include in his reply to my text that he wouldn’t be home when we got there. I definitely feel hanging with friends is cool…just hate not communicating. And I agree about the red flag.
Darlene Young says
@ Dympulz..I see some disrespect going on here..Are you happy with the way things are going ??
Tiya says
justbeing me,
I completely agree. There are some definite other issues that need to be discussed.
Darlene Young says
@ Dymplz..Did you say “your husband” forgot or should I say doesnt know your phone number?? Is it a new number ?? Kinda strange to me.
Sheree says
Civility prevails… I need to always increased my argument and decrease my voice level. Great article Tiya!!!
Jaz says
I have tried these and it has been a failure. I’m not in shut down mode. Anytime I have expressed my feelings (no matter how I come at it), we always argue. I have been the bigger person majority of the times and he has been some to. I know just don’t express myself anymore. I stopped caring so that way my feelings wont be hurt. We have a cylce where we argue and there are hurtful words said. I might try to get over it and hug, kiss or even say lets go do something. He rejects me and it hurts like hell. However no matter how bad of an argument he wants to still have sex and plenty of it. That hurts even worse. So its ok for us to do the thing that he wants but not what I want. So now I don’t care anymore , don’t express my feelings, don’t show affection and don’t ask or expect anything from him. I’m sure our marriage is going to end soon. I have done so much , read books, blogs and I try to make the change. I’m just tired of being the bigger person or the good girl. I’m trying to just stay sane and praying that God really makes major moves. Although some days I sometimes have little faith that he can do anything in my marriage.
Tiya Sumter says
Jaz, I just want to encourage you. Don’t throw in the towel just yet, have you and your spouse looked into counseling? It doesn’t sound like you two have dealt with what’s underneath and what’s at the root of all the arguments. There is definitely something else there.
Jaz says
Thanks for the encouragement.
Lissa Belle says
I just read a statement about applying consequences. What article does that reference? I’m in it with Dympulz and Jaz. I’m a strong communicator, and although my hubs is more reserved. I don’t get closure from our discussions because I rarely receive an apology. I feel that an apology for me is a recognition of my emotions and valid statements. I recently got to Jaz’s stage of not caring in order to protect myself from pain. So if respectful conversation is had, yet closure is not there what next?
Ressurrection says
You all could read The Five Love Languages of Apology together. I think this will help in understanding how you receive apologies. As for Dympuz, I don’t think there’s an issue with your communication. No coming home is a personal choice and not your fault. There is no excuse for a married man not to come home or communicate with his wife and he’s not hanging with his boys that long… not without women unless he’s seeing men.
Tiya Sumter says
Marriages don’t fall apart overnight? I encourage couples to look for the real reason their relationship is struggling. What didn’t or did happen that resulted in a loss of respect and effort. When/how did this become acceptable in your relationships?
Jaz says
He refuses to go to counseling. I have asked him to do different exercises and I get now where. Now that I don’t care, he is showing me the things I want but it’s not real and it’s the whole ‘ fake it to you make it”. I shouldn’t have to shut down and not expect or want anything from him to get what I want. I’m with Lissa, I need recognition of my emotions and a valid statement. There is a deeper issue and he don’t care to get to it. Every time I open up about my feelings and my heart it’s a complete disaster.
Simona says
Jaz,
I completely understand what you are saying. I feel the same way about my marriage. I went to my husband and told him how I felt and such and he tells me that the only things he wants from me is sex. I was blown away. So essentially he could care less about our marriage and that he only wants sex. Honestly that didn’t sit well with me at all. When I told him that sex would not save our marriage he packed his stuff and left while I was at work. Then he shows back up and I found him sleeping on the couch the next morning. Not sure where to go from here but I do know I am praying and asking God for some guidance. My prayers are with you as well.
StrongFaith says
@Jaz..I can feel your pain. It is so hurtful to be rejected by someone who vowed to love you forever. I have been experiencing some of this behavior in my marriage. I used to cry myself to sleep at night and there are times that I still do because I would have never thought he would treat me this way. He would use the excuse that he was with his friends until the early morning hours and other excuses as well. I just got fed up and said to him, “I love you with everything that I am, but your behavior is disrespectful to me and our marriage. If this is not where you want to be, then let’s not waste your time.” It took me years to be able to say this, but it had to be said. I have never been a depressed person, but the staying out late and lack of interest caused me to think that I was the problem. I started asking myself what can I change to make my marriage work.
We have come a long way! There are still some needs for impovement, but he now understands that I am not dealing with the foolishness anymore. I deserve to be respected.. our marriage deserves to be respected!
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