by Eric Payne

In December of 2010 I wrote the post “Why Can’t We Just Get Along“. It was an open letter to all. A lamentation over the friction that exists between the sexes and within marriages. Hopefully those who were impacted by it were able to contemplate areas that they need to address. But it should not remain a mere contemplation.

What Got You Here Won’t Get You There

What Got You Here Won’t Get You There is a business book that challenges successful leaders to become even more successful. The author, Marshall Goldsmith, wants to make his readers better. His main premise is in the title. My interpretation of it is as follows: You’ve gotten to where you are and that’s great. You’re a titan of the industry, but are you really as great as you think you are? Things have remained pretty steady for a while and they’re headed toward becoming stagnant. Your workers are uneasy. Morale is low. Although you are THE MAN (or THE WOMAN) nothing is changing. Why? Because what got you to this point isn’t going to take you to the finish line.

The same can be said for marriage. It is a corporate and cooperative experience, after all.

What’s Wrong With You?

In his book, Goldsmith identifies 20 bad habits that keep people from achieving real success in the workplace. Interestingly they are all interpersonal and behavioral rather than shortcomings in the area of skill or performance. In his words:

“They are egregious everyday annoyances that make your workplace substantial more noxious than it needs to be. They are transactional flaws performed by one person against others.”

Out of the 20  he lists, I’ve identified a “Top Ten” that play out in the marriage space.

1. Passing Judgment
2. Making Destructive Comments
3. Speaking When Angry
4. Clinging To The Past
5. Refusing to Express Regret
6. Not Listening
7. Failing To Express Gratitude
8. Punishing The Messenger – attacking those who are trying to help you (typically those who are closest to you).
9. Passing the Buck – refusing to accept responsibility for wrong doings, mistakes, etc.
10. An Excessive Need To Be “Me” ““ a habit Goldsmith describes as believing that your faults are virtues because they define who you are.

If you have never been guilty of any of these behaviors at least once, please stop reading now. Feel free to shut down your computer and go for a pleasant stroll through your enchanted forest complete with its neon blue sky, talking unicorns and pink waterfalls. You are most certainly perfect along with your marriage and your world.

For those who recognize one or some (and hopefully not all) of the bad habits listed as your own, imagine what it must feel like to be on the receiving end of that. Think about how it feels when it has happened to you. Would you put up with you if you were on the receiving end?

Good At Who You Are – Not What You Do

Goldsmith argues that being good at what you do doesn’t imply being good at who you are. Everyone knows of a boss who is a master in his or her field but has no people skills. You may be a skilled parent. You might make every promotion at work or receive multiple platitudes for your service in the church or the community. People want spouses who can cook, are strong, have good jobs, love their mothers, have a spiritual relationship with a higher power, etc. But few give consideration to the intangibles such as kindness, being supportive or knowing how to talk to people respectfully. None of the usual desired skills, accomplishments or prerequisites have much at all to do with who a person is, how they interact with others and how they’ll interact with you. The particular set of skills/talents/gifts isn’t what is up for debate here. Rather, it’s behavior.

Make   A “To Stop” List

Becoming more a more skilled partner in the marriage relationship is commendable but not necessarily what that other spouse is seeking. As stated before chances are you’re already pretty good at whatever it is you bring to the table. Unfortunately, unless you are truly willing and ready to change, figuring this out on your own is close to impossible. Self-assessments are probably the hardest. Many are unwilling to decide on their own that they might not be all that and a bag of chips. But hearing this from others has the potential to spark change. Try the following exercise: sit down with your spouse and ask them how you rate in the above areas and then do the same with them. Agree to be respectful of one another and have an open mind. As Goldsmith writes, instead of pulling out pen and paper to write your “To Do” list, make a “To Stop” list instead.

Do you believe any of the above “bad habits” apply to you? Have you done anything to make a change for the better or does how you interact interpersonally not matter if you are constantly bringing your A-Game?

Please visit the Marshall Goldsmith Library if you’re interested in learning more about successful leadership and the complete list of Bad Habits discussed in this post.

Eric is the author of Investing In An Emotional Letdown and the now infamous, My Wife Is NOT My Friend (on Facebook). He talks about being a man, dad and husband on his blog, Makes Me Wanna Holler ““ Man, Dad, Husband and his Facebook Page. He is the author of I See Through Eyes, a book of poetry and short stories. In his “spare time” Eric reviews autos, tech products and writes relationship articles for Atlanta-based J’Adore Magazine.