How often do you and your spouse talk about what you like and don’t like in the bedroom? Do you feel like your sexual needs are being met or are you feeling frustrated or rejected? Sex is such a crucial part of a successful marriage, but it can be one of the last subjects on the list that you talk about. Sex in marriage is a way for you to communicate with your spouse on a level that you can’t do with anyone else.
Some of the barriers we see over and over again in our counseling practice are issues with the lack of sex, not having sexual needs met, lack of connection outside of the bedroom, which affects the connection in the bedroom, feelings of resentment, frustration and rejection.
To address some of these common issues, we have developed 10 tips you can start to implement tonight.
- Discuss your likes, dislikes, fantasies, frequency and sexual needs. This point is based on you having knowledge of what your needs are. If you are unsure exactly what you like and how to communicate it, study your body during sexual encounters with your spouse and keep track of what you like and point it out to your spouse at the time. Exploration together to find out what you like can be fun.
- Discuss what happens when one of you initiates and then gets rejected. Discuss when the initiator’s request will be honored.
- Discuss any barriers to having sex. Discuss any barriers to having sex, for example, any frustrations, anger and past trauma. This area can be pretty heavy and should not be discussed just before a sexual act. A special time should be set aside for these discussions making sure to take care of one another in the discussion with validation and empathy.
- Ladies make yourself visually appealing for your husband. Men, women are stimulated by ongoing love, care and affection. Men you must show affection to your spouse throughout the day, not just prior to the time that you want to engage in sex. Women can get EXTREMELY frustrated when it appears that the only time a man is interested in showing affection to his wife is when he wants sex and may even feel used or rejected if this is a pattern that is displayed.
- Learn the rhythm of you and your spouse’s sexual arousal. Learn the ways your spouse likes to be pleased and pleasure your spouse. Understand how to maintain these feelings during sex so that both of your sexual needs are met. Learning the rhythm of your sex life can help eliminate any resentment that may occur when sexual needs aren’t met.
- Don’t compare your sex life to that of your married or single friends. Everyone’s sex life is different. Know what works for your marriage.
- Provide sexual fulfillment for your spouse. Sex in a marriage is about mutual fulfillment. In order to get your needs met, you must be willing and able to meet your spouse’s needs. Sex in marriage is reciprocal.
- Don’t penalize one another for lack of climax or a premature climax. Work together to meet each other’s needs.
- Be aware of your needs and your spouse’s needs and strive to meet each other’s needs every time you have sex.
- Maintain a close friendship and spiritual connection. This will enhance your physical connection when the two of you are intimate.
Sex in marriage is one of God’s gifts to marriage. Learn how to please your spouse and allow your spouse to please you. Tonight’s homework is to put these tips into action. In fact, make a better sex life a priority for you in the next month. Enjoy your homework!
BMWK – Which tip will you implement in your marriage tonight? Share your thoughts about this post below.
Ben and Alisha Walker the Co-founders of The Marriage Coaches have written ” I Love Being Married: A Guide to Divorceproof Your Marriage” which is a dynamic book that shares common sense tools to develop and maintain a happy, loving and peaceful marriage. They also show you how to avoid the pitfalls that lead to divorce in a straightforward, practical approach, and reveal secrets to singles before they walk down the aisle. You can buy the book here.