Should Married People Be Clubbing?

BY: - 15 Jun '09 | Relationships

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by Tara Pringle Jefferson

Someone please tell me what is the purpose of going to the club.


Maybe it’s just the few clubs I’ve been to, but I honestly did not see the appeal.

Aggressive men everywhere, sliding up behind you, grinding on you without the hint of an introduction or an “Excuse me, Miss”...”

Women with low self-esteem wearing clingy, too-short, barely there outfits.

Music so loud and nasty.

Drunk fools spilling drinks everywhere.

No thank you!

Again, it might just be the clubs they have here in Cleveland. But in general, what is the purpose of going to the club? Is it hang out with your friends or meet a man/woman?

Which brings me to my point: Is it OK for married people to be at the club? When you have a devoted partner at home, why go to the club? Not knocking anyone who goes, but let’s open it up for discussion, BMWK family.

To help you with the clarification:

What if the wife/husband goes with other married friends? Or single friends? Does that matter?

What if he or she is home early? Is it OK to come strolling home at 2 or 3 a.m.?

Does it matter if he or she plans on getting drunk or is the designated driver?

What if he or she slips off their wedding ring before they go?

Does it matter if a married couple goes to the club together?

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog,, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.

About the author

Tara Pringle Jefferson wrote 277 articles on this blog.

Tara Pringle Jefferson is managing editor of She\'s also the author of Make It Happen: The Young Mommy Guide To Creating The Career You Crave. Follow her on Twitter or check out her blog for her insights on what it means to be a mom, wife, student, writer, and about three other labels she\'s too tired to remember.


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43 WordPress comments on “Should Married People Be Clubbing?

  1. MG

    I’m married and my wife and I sometimes go to clubs together or with our friends. I don’t know about Cleveland but where we are from they have lounges which is a better atmosphere and more laid back. For us it’s just a place to have some drinks and listen to good music. She goes with her girls sometimes and I with my dudes…all in all just having a good time and I don’t see the problem….

  2. Harriet

    I don’t really have an answer for you…I never was a clubber. I don’t drink, but I’ve been to a lounge or two…especially one specializing in jazz and/or poetry. But I haven’t been since I was married…probably because in this area there are no poetry/jazz places.

    When I was single, my friends and I used to call the club “The Trap.” Too much drama and alcohol and too little wisdom in that place. If people like it, I love it, but the club offers the kind of fun I just don’t respond to. Many of my friends LOVED it, especially when I was in the military, but it was never my thing.

  3. LaKeysha

    I can only speak for myself and say that I know what my husband and I used to go to the club for does not coincide with what we believe married Christain adults should do.

    When I was single (or had a boyfriend) I went to the club with my girls faithfully every week. We LOVED dancing and would dance the night away. I dont know about other places but at the clubs in Milwaukee (where I grew up) you went to the club decked out in barely nothing. And yes the guys did come up behind you trying to pass a bump n’ grind off as dancing. My husband said that he went to the club to get an eyeful and pick up girls.

    So for US there is absolutely NO point in going to the club because:

    1. First we no longer listen to secular music. We don’t agree with most of the content or lyrics of the artists so unless its g-rated then we dont listen.

    2. Lust is a big deal to us. And we believe as the Bible says that it is a sin to lust AND to purposely incite lust in another person. So he’s not gonna go to a place where theres a bunch of woman in sexy/revealing clothing gyrating all over the place. And I’m not gonna be on the dancefloor droppin it like its hot anymore.

    3. We don’t drink or smoke so our tolerance for spilled drinks/drunk people/smokey atmospheres are very low.

    So we stay out of the clubs…because we no longer do those things that the club was the proper setting for. Nor do we want to be tempted to do them.

    Now we have gone to CHristain clubs before. And I sign up for dance classes to fulfil my love for dance (and when I wanna pull out my old drop-it-like-its-hot moves I pop on a gospel cd and dance for my husband at home 🙂

    Now everyone may not have been as hardcore and my husband and I were in the clubs so you might not think those changes apply to you but for married people in general I think that the club is just not the place to be because what goes on in the club does not support a healthy marriage.

  4. Donielle Michele

    Well, there are so many different things that can accompany that question and change the answer. As for me, I do enjoy going to a lounge or club every now and then. Now when I say I go to clubs, I don’t mean the 18 and over club that college kids go to. That time has passed in my life. I don’t think that all people go to clubs to hook up. I absolutely LOVE to dance and when I go to clubs, I dance with my girls and NEVER a guy. I just don’t feel that some man, other than my husband, should be grinding all up on my married parts…! My husband doesn’t like going to clubs so he won’t go, at least not yet. I don’t feel that you should stop doing what you enjoy doing when you get married but you do need to modify it a little. Like I said before, I don’t go to the same clubs I used to go to and I don’t dance with men. When I was single I was in a different club every weekend! My body can’t keep up with that anymore…lol! To clarify my answer, I think it is okay to go to clubs when you are married but just remember that you ARE MARRIED.

  5. Lamar

    When I used to go to the club it was to meet women. Just that simple, not because I liked to bust a move or hang, it was because the place was filled with nice looking women and I wanted to meet them.

    Now that I’ve got my own nice looking woman at home I no longer feel the need for Da Club. If I go anywhere now its more of a chill atmosphere, the place isn’t a pick up spot and it’s somewhere I’d have no problem taking the wife as well.

    Lamars last blog post..CNNs Black In America 2 Airs Next Month

  6. The Duck Walk

    I think it depends on the type of clubs you frequent and your purpose for being there. The, what I call, “hood” clubs will have the scantily-clad women and the men who have no apparent home training. (Tara, those would be clubs like Alchemy in the Flats…Cleveland reference. I hate that place. Was there ONE time for about 10 minutes about four years ago and have never been back because of the reasons you cite.) On the contrary, places that cater to a more mature crowd where the atmosphere and music are a bit more “grown up” will have women and men who know how to conduct themselves (i.e. Sunset Lounge and Touch Supper Club).

    My best friend and I used to go to clubs a lot but we’ve never hung out at “hood clubs” where the women are loud and obnoxious and the men are disrespectful and grotesque. Of course, when we were younger and in college we did the frat parties, but after we matured and were out of that scene, we’ve always been to the ones that play “better” music and the atmosphere isn’t so sexualized. And honestly, we’d go because we LOVE to dance. We have never once met a man at a club and started any sort of relationship with him. Most of the time we’d go and truthfully just dance in the same vicinity as each other because most guys (at least in Northeast Ohio) can’t dance. If we’re trying to DANCE and he’s barely two-stepping, he’s not doing anything but getting in the way. I don’t like men I don’t know grinding all on me–I don’t know you, get away from me. LOL

    My guy and I go to clubs every now and then and it’s the same thing. We go and we dance with each other and have a great time. He’s not trying to grind all up on other women and I’m not backing my behind up in somebody’s crotch. We really just go to dance with each other and have a good time. Where we go, they are typically playing either 90s R&B and classic hip hop or something more mellow like Maxwell and Sade. Most of the time we don’t even have drinks.

    We are not married, but I don’t see anything wrong with it if you’re motives are good. Now, if my guy was going without me and he was doing all kinds of disrespectful things, there would definitely be a problem. And I certainly think that taking off a wedding ring before you go is dead wrong. What is there to hide?

    Before we were together, he’d go out to clubs with his boys and I’d go with my friends. Since we’ve been together, however, any clubbing we’ve done has included both of us together. We never had a discussion about it; I think it’s just a respect level we have, so it’s worked out that way. However, if he went with his friends or if I went with mine, I really don’t think there’d be an issue b/c we trust each other to conduct ourselves accordingly.

    I think the notion of “going to the club” invokes images of smoking, drinking and late-night BET videos for many people. That’s not the case, at least with us. And again, I think it all depends on what you’re purposes are. A lot of people do go for the wrong reasons, but no one can control other people’s motives. You can just take care of yourself and your morals.

  7. michele

    Me and my husband met at a club, but we don’t frequent the “clubs” like we used to. We were in our 20’s back then though and we had the energy to be out every weekend, sometimes 3-4 nights a week. We have a family now, so that is our main focus, our marriage and our family. The only time we will go now is if it’s a special occasion, getting together with other family members for a just-because dinner and drinks, or if it’s someones birthday. Other than that, we don’t go. To each his/her own, but if you’re married, you do need to modify your “activities.”

  8. Harriet

    Well, when I was going to the “lounge,” I wasn’t going to dance or to meet other men. I was going to make money…I dropped a spoken word piece, got tips, and then went about my merry way, all the way to the bank. LOL I wore my headwrap and my loose, comfortable poetic garb, drank my ginger ale, orange juice or water and left all the drama for someone else’s mama.

    The drama that LaKeysha and Gwen mentioned in their posts are places I never frequented.

  9. Donielle Michele

    Tara men and women are two different species…lol! A man can go to the laundry mat and have the intent on meeting women. That doesn’t mean that as women we shouldn’t go certain places. That would mean we would be basing our lives on the foolishness of men and their desires. I live in Florida and you can walk out your door on any day and find a woman in booty shorts and a halter with 4 inch heels. Men are going to look regardless of what the atmosphere is. Just saying that it goes on in clubs is leaving out the other million places a man tries to “get his freak on.”

  10. LaKeyshaF

    @ Lamar ROTFL

    Yeah clubbing during my early 20’s was all about the sexy clothes, hip-rolling and booty-shaking! Upscale or basement party, the culture was the same.

    And for my honey it was all about watching the hip-rolling and booty-shaking and seeing how far a girl would let him go on the dancefloor or dark corner.

    We were so wretchedly naughty!!! So Da Club is definately not for us anymore.

  11. LaKeyshaF

    I think Tara is trying to say that there is a difference in going to a place where you KNOW men and women are on the prowl and a lot of sexuality is being displayed.

    You can’t help walking down the street but you can help going to the club (where theres a concentration of prowlers, near-nakedness, provocative dancing, drinking etc.)

  12. Harriet

    @ Lamar,

    After reading that comment, I’m sure you weren’t the only one. LOL I wasn’t “pole dancing for Jesus,” I promise (ask Gwen what I’m talking about).

  13. VEe!

    @Tara, “but the men go to meet beautiful women”
    . . . nah, Some men do go to the club to dance, listen to music. and just chill. Before anybody screams “get real,” I’m sure people hook up but I’m just saying not all men are on the prowl, etc. I guess it is also about the venue and location.

    @Donielle Michele, you are not lying.

    VEe!s last blog post..HIP HOP NEEDS MORE BIG A** CHAINS

  14. Karyn

    My husband and I go out not only together, but sometimes with friends. We’re very respectful of our marriage when we’re out together or without the other mate.

    Now that we’re older, a lot of times the “club” for us when we do go out is playing old school hits so the crowd is our age and in the same situation…married. Or we hit a place that is playing a variety of music and serving good food, like sushi!

    I think we’re mature enough and responsible enough to handle ourselves while out. If I’m out without my husband I carry myself as a married woman should and I’ve never been disrespected.

  15. The Duck Walk

    @LaKeyshaF…”You cant help walking down the street but you can help going to the club (where theres a concentration of prowlers, near-nakedness, provocative dancing, drinking etc.)”

    Where are these clubs you guys are talking about? Do people over the age of 25 go there? Because I haven’t seen any near-nakedness and provocative dancing since I was 21 or 22! These places sound more like brothels than clubs. lol

  16. Harriet

    @ Gwen,

    See, that’s what happens when folks (read: LAMAR) read too far into stuff. I wasn’t trying to put you on blast…don’t let folks get between us like that. You my GIRL! LOL

  17. Karyn

    @ Tara, Ohhhhhhh!
    Sorry, I haven’t been to one of those since…since…well…I can’t even remember.

    We usually frequent places where there’s a mixed crowd or an old school crowd. We’re in our late 30’s so sometimes it may be older, well established professionals. There are times where you may find us in a club that’s playing house/techno, but once again, the crowd is late 20’s to early 40’s.

    Nashville has such an “open” party scene where there is such a variety of places to go with a variety of music so we’re not always trapped into going to just one place.

    About 2 wks ago my girlfriend and I went out (she’s married too) and the ‘club’ played new hits, served sushi and had a crowd from the ages of mid 20’s to late 40’s. Everyone was just talking, eating and we were all dressed decent.

  18. MissJay

    I think what Tara meant was if we know men go looking for women why would us married/taken women go and advertise if you’re not out to be picked up by someone. I go very rearely, only when a friend comes from out of town or a birthday and then I don’t back it up or drop it on nobody but my fiance. I did all my clubbin’ in my late teens and early 20’s (27 now) so I’m over the club scene now.

    But I don’t see the problem with going to the club as long as you remember and let others know that you’re married as another commenter said.

  19. Lamar

    @Tara – you all up in here starting a ruckus with them young mommy topics LOL

    @Harriet – you seen Love Jones then you was up in da club reading poetry and selling incense for money LOL

    @Gwen- you are officially banned from BMWK for linking that nonsense to our page. You must request reentry LOL

    Lamars last blog post..CNNs Black In America 2 Airs Next Month

  20. AJAY

    We personally don’t do club scenes. It may be that the club scene is far behind us and/or we’re paranoid of social ills suchs as drunkeness and violence which tend to erupt unexpectantly with large mixed crowds. We don’t think it’s worth the hassle.

    We decided on what image we wanted to portray to our children especially as they become older. We never wanted them to remember us as clubbers or heavy drinkers. We will attend concerts, movies, games, and go on dates. That was our decision and I’m not judging anyone. To each it’s own.

  21. LaKeysha

    @The duck walk & Tara

    Yeah I’m 27 now so I was doing the whole clubbing thing from 18-24. So these were the clubs that wild young adults attended and did all the stuff I mentioned before.

    I’ve never been to the grown lounges etc. so I couldn’t comment on them. But as for the club as I knew it in Milwaukee (by the way they always got shut down after a few months becuase somebody always had to act a fool) and the one that I went to here in St. Louis, I would not go there as a married person.

  22. LaKeysha

    Oh! And they are soooooo like brothels! Picture all the stuff you see in those music videos-for those of you who remember uncut on BET-and thats what was going on in the club. The things I’ve seen happen on the dancefloor…

  23. Harriet

    Lamar, don’t ban Gwen…I was the instigator of that link. LOL It was hee-larry-us to me!

    And errrumm…I was twisting hair and selling mix tapes…the incense at the store was too cheap to compete with. Thankyouverymuch.

    Harriets last blog post..Becoming

  24. Sweetpee

    I have never been the type to go to the clubs only on girls night out; and that was every now and then. I am now married and I feel like married couples and single couples who are serious with each other should really not go to the clubs. The clubs are places to meet and greet SINGLE people, if you are not single there is no space for you to be there. It is mostly just a big temptation that could possible ruin the love you have with someone.

    I am not knock anyone who is a clubber, but this is only my opinion. Because as time progresses you become the old person in the club and want more out of life. Those who a married are going to the club to find something, when in reality you have something better a home.

  25. Allygyrl702

    I honestly think it is healthy for couples (even married ones) to get out together. But do a spot that is fitting to both personality types. As for me, I go to the club to dance. Most of the time I dance with my girls and we have a good time together. But it is not my intent to go there to pick anyone up, which should also be the same for every married person. I just think if you have a person who is lustful and wants to cheat they will do it with or without the club. I think it is a couple-specific issue. I don’t think there should be a general rule for all couples to follow. Sometimes couples need a break in the monotony of just church, work, and family life and the club can shake things up a bit and remind one another of the fun they can have together outside of all the responsibilities.

    Allygyrl702s last blog post..Frenemy

  26. Allygyrl702

    Sorry, i need to post again. Why can’t the club just be about having fun? I am single and I think married people are so uptight about their relationships sometimes. You know your boundaries and stay within the boundary lines. Go together or go separate but know your place in the place. I guess for me I could only marry someone who liked to have fun like I do and not mind the occasional girls night out. I do believe coming in at a decent hour is respectable but lighten up!

    Allygyrl702s last blog post..Frenemy

  27. The Duck Walk

    I’ve gotta agree with Allygyrl702. Obviously, not everybody goes to the club, lounge, or what-have-you for the same reasons as others. Contrary to popular belief, a lot of people go just to have fun, particularly if they like to dance. In undergrad, my girls and I used to go to the club every Thursday thru Saturday and it wasn’t about drinking (I didn’t even have anything alcoholic until after I was 25), smoking (never smoked anything a day in my life), or “meeting other singles” (never tried to find a man at any club). It doesn’t mean we were wild freaks just b/c we went out so much. We just liked to dance to music that was popular at the time. We dressed like our mommas raised us to be ladies and we danced the same way. If any of us had boyfriends, he’d come along too. No biggie. If we wanted to have a girl’s night out, that was perfectly okay too. Our guys trusted us enough to know we knew how to act and vice versa.

    Nowadays, we go out to clubs/lounges, but not nearly as much. And it’s the same thing. Our SO’s come along and we all have a great time dancing and hanging out. Actually, a few weeks ago, my best friend, bf and I all went out. While at the door, he realized he forgot his ID, so he told us to go have a good time, gave me 80 bucks and said he’d just come back and pick us up when we were ready to go. He knows I’m not going to act like some cheap chick from Freak Nik just b/c he’s not there. And btw, I didn’t even spend any of that $80, b/c again, for us, the club is mostly about hanging out and dancing. Cleveland is big, but it can also be really small. We often see our other friends who we didn’t know were going to be there. It’s all in good fun and we all end up hanging out, acting silly and enjoying ourselves. Do we have men who approach us? Sure we do, but we act just like we would if we were in the grocery store, the mall, or at an outdoor festival. “Sorry, I’m in a relationship”. And keep it moving. Bada-bing bada-boom.

    I do think to each his or her own, but it seems as if some can be very judgmental about this scenario. While everybody’s idea of fun isn’t the same, it’s not accurate to assume that what one’s experiences and/or motives are are the same for everyone else.

  28. Tara

    @Allygyrl702 and @Gwen – This isn’t about being “uptight” or “judgmental” as married folks. As Harriet stated earlier, ” the reputation of the place youre frequenting makes a huge difference.”

    There is a HUGE difference in going to a place where people are:
    a)generally on their best behavior, there’s minimal alcohol or drunken behavior, proper attire, smooth R&B music
    b) dressed inappropriately, drunk, aggressive, disrespectful, dangerous (I’ve been to the club only a handful of times and every single time a huge fight broke out *smh*).

    THOSE are the types of places the married folks said they’d rather not go. From what I’m reading, y’all said you didn’t like those types of clubs either. So I don’t think we’re as far apart on this issue as you’d believe…. 🙂

  29. Karyn

    I think single or married, if you’re not apart of that lifestyle should no one want to visit the type of clubs Tara described (the fighting, disrepectful kind).

    I think this has to be the decision of each couple. My husband & I go out, dance, mingle & have a great time with friends & even the new people we meet. They can be single, married, shacked up, or whatever title they claim. It’s a night out for me & the man I married. We also represent ourselves & each other very well. We are also always very proud & happy to introduce each other to the newbies we meet. My honey is very proud to say, “This is my wife, Karyn” to any & all we meet no matter where we are.

    It’s about respecting your marriage, yourself & your mate. A lot of times I’ve known married people to cheat with other married people & they weren’t even close to a club when they met.

  30. Signatureladyjeff

    I think these are important questions to ask considering people have many different solutions for having fun. I think this situation depends on a couple of things like: lifestyle,morals, and values are signifigant in making these decisions. I prefer to go to casual,calm, respectable enviorments that don’t drive direct attention to myself! Clubs aren’t bad depending on the enviorment and the motives of the individuals, I love to dance and but not in such a way that disrespects my beliefs or convictions that I live by. My love for the Lord holds my to my personal responsibilities as a mother,wife, and beliver influencing those around me!


  31. Anna

    Should Married People Be Clubbing?
    I guess if they are clubbing together it’s ok. Or if they are “swingers”. LOL. I am almost 42 and clubbing is not our thing. Been there done that. And yes I think men do not discriminate when it comes to looking for/or hooking up with women, a laundry mat, grocery store or the bus stop is still seeking out women to some men. Don’t tell me women don’t go to Home Depot to look for men? LOL.

  32. Antwone

    Should married people be Clubbing.?

    Why not, If it adds qualities to a relationship.?

    The stigmas attached to a lot of muzik houses is too great to prove otherwise. The truth is, a typical clubbing experience has many entertaining prisms and a married couple must find a way to channel that to one another or it simply would not work.
    Yes, married people must consider this activity thoroughly, and compromise on a suitable venue (Lounges or a descent spots around town).

    Let marriage be conceived as something that is dynamic, improving, and accommodating to a couple.

    It is meant for life afterall.

  33. @shockwaaave

    Personally I hate clubbin. Clubs are a place u go to meet people, hook up, find a jump off etc…POINT BLANK….”nothing good can be meet in a club” …clubs are a place of booze, temptation, loud as music, provacative dressed and in some cases..low self esteem women and ignorant acting hardlegs ie. drunk dudes. So if your involved or married, why put yourself in that situation. It not about the man or the woman being insecure, its about respect.but if one is doing something u deem disrespectul….like clubbin…trust is irrelevant.

  34. Matthew Quist

    There is a saying that if you sit in a barber shop long enough, you are eventually going to get a hair cut. If you play with fire long enough you are going to get burned. I think it is fine if the couple goes together, or one partner asks the other, the other does not want to go and he/she is ok with the other partner going with appropriate friends. I think it is totally inappropriate to go to a meat market bar with single friends. Like someone above said. It’s not about insecurity, it’s about respect. It’s not about what your partner is going to do, it’s about what you know the scummy people that hang out in those places will do, such as grab them, etc. I know I am a detective, believe me. Nothing positive will come from hanging in a place like that, ever.

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3 Day Black Family Web Conference Is Online

BY: - 18 Jun '09 | Home

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We just wrapped up three amazing webinar discussions with wonderful Black Moms and Dads just like you. If you missed them, you can now watch them online and share your comments too!

Here are the videos:

Do Good Black Father’s Exist? Find out what these dads have to say…

Are Black Moms as strong as everyone thinks? Let’s hear our moms share their point of view.

What is happening to our Babies? Black parents talking about Black Parenting… raising positive healthy smart and wonderful black families.

About the author

Lamar Tyler wrote 2228 articles on this blog.

Lamar Tyler is co-creator He also is the co-producer of the films Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me, Men Ain't Boys and Still Standing.


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