Dear BMWK: He Left Without a Goodbye

BY: - 12 Aug '09 | Dear BMWK

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Dear BMWK,

I need to reach out, I am so depressed and driving myself to pure insanity. I met my soul mate, a man that is true to me and what he gives is pure in heart. He is emotionally attentive. When he speaks to me I stand still because he is so intelligent. We have great passion for one another and the chemistry is off the chain. I was not looking for this man when he found me. He wasn’t even my type. It took some time for me to even figure out if I liked him. Being around him watching and listening to him made me fall for him. He is good to his mother and his 4 sisters, he helps all of his family and others, he puts himself last and I mean that literally. At the end of the day I am rubbing him down because he’s always so beat up from doing things for others. I admire that of him. He is a great uncle and great with my children.

We have had a great relationship up until recently, and this is why I am so devastated. Three weeks ago he told me  that he had an emergency in NY with his older daughter who is 13. (He’s originally from NY) and he had to leave and see to her and he wasn’t sure when he would be back. This is a daughter that he talked to almost everyday but hadn’t seen in a long time. When he told me he only had a week before he left, those last few days was rough for both of us, he was stressed and I didn’t want him to go but I didn’t want to be selfish either. The last 2 days we talked and talked, it seemed like he wanted to break it off because he said he didn’t know when he would be back and he didn’t want ME to step off the boat and get “wet”. In the end we both agreed we could be faithful and would remain in a monogamous relationship.

The morning he was due to leave he said I would see him later to see him off. That afternoon I kept calling and got no answer so I left work early to make sure I saw him before he left. When I got there he was gone (we didn’t live together). I was crushed. Confused. He assured me I would see him before he left. He left without even saying Goodbye. 🙁 It’s now been 2 weeks and still NO WORD from him. His phone goes straight to voice mail and his family says they have no idea where he is, he is grown and can do what he wants. That didn’t help me. I don’t know his ppl in NY. Since he left I have been so depressed, I can’t sleep, eat, I am so unmotivated. I am 34 years old and the last time I felt like this was in my early 20’s. It took allot for me to open up to this man and  give him my heart, I had been hurt so much and we talked about all this, so he knew me opening myself was a HUGE step for me. I let my guard down and let him in. My females friends say MOVE ON! your beautiful and have allot going for yourself. However, I have met many guys who have it all but don’t offer me the mental, emotional and physical needs that I require a man to offer me. For me it’s not about money or looks. Been there done that. I never expected to fall hard like this and now that I did he has sort of vanished from my life. I try to give the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he lost his phone and all the numbers are in there. But I think he could remember his moms number to get a hold of me. I think maybe the situation with his daughter is such that he can only deal with that right now and don’t want to hear my mouth. The way he made it seem to me was that it was very serious situation to deal with. Please help me, I don’t know what to do or how to get hold of myself. I’ve waited so long for such a man as him it saddens me that it’s gone and  I can’t seem to move from this depression. I have 4 kids at home (4-15y) and I am slacking off cause I am so depressed : (

I want to hear from everyone, but if you ladies have a man, ask them to give me some real man advice, I need to hear from the men and what they think is going on and what I should do. Do I wait as promised or being that he left the way he did and hasn’t called what that says for our so-called “relationship”

-Sad girl


If he does not have amnesia or has not been kidnapped, then he really does not have an excuse for such behavior.  And it is good that you can see that he is capable of being so inconsiderate now rather than later.  I am not going to focus on him or what he is thinking or what he is doing, because the focus really should be on you.  It’s time to move on. With four kids, you need to focus on your emotional well being and the kids.   You need to put all of your time and energy into your kids, into your relationship with God, into your finances, and into your emotional and physical health.   With all of that going on, you will not have time for such foolishness from a man. Once you have yourself together, you will attract the type of man that you deserve.  And God forbid that this should happen again.  But if it does, you might be a little hurt at first. But then you are going to brush your shoulders off and keep it moving!!


As many of you may have figured out normally I say how I feel but don’t go as far as to say whether or not you should stay or go because in marriages this is a very tough decision that could affect the rest of your life but in the case of a boyfriend……. You Need To Leave This Dude!

I’d like for the men to really chime in on this one, especially the married men. I’ll make this short and sweet, no guy that cares about being in a relationship with you is

A. Going to have a week’s notice that he has to leave and not tell you why.

B. Leave without saying goodbye.

C. Cut off all lines of communication.

The writing is on the wall that something isn’t quite right here, especially after the two of you agreed to maintain a relationship. In addition to this you say that this is having an effect on your own children. You need to get it together for them and for yourself and keep it moving.

BMWK family what do you think?   Help Sad Girl out with your thoughts and opinions. Fellas, does this sound fishy to you? Let us know.

About the author

Lamar Tyler wrote 2229 articles on this blog.

Lamar Tyler is co-creator He also is the co-producer of the films Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me, Men Ain't Boys and Still Standing.


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90 WordPress comments on “Dear BMWK: He Left Without a Goodbye

  1. Ms. Andi

    Dear Sad Girl:
    I feel your pain, but it is not wise to open one door until you’ve closed the other one first. Yes, move on with your life, but no, don’t entertain the thought of getting involved with another man right now-it’s just too soon. If this man is meant to be in your life, God will bring him back to you because the Word says that the steps of a righteous man are ordered by God. If not, then rest assured that God is protecting you and your children from future pain and dissapointment. Patience, Little One, is the key. Patience and trust in the Lord. He knows your future better than any psychic. When those thoughts of Libra begin to infiltrate your mind, pick up the Bible and read or get down on your knees and pray. Only God knows what’s really going on, and in His time, He will reveal it all to you. What do you gain holding your breath by waiting on him? Nothing at all but gray hair (and wrinkles). Let go of the worry, for the Word says to be anxious for nothing-this includes Libra. When it’s time, you will know all that you need to know. Let the Lord work this out for you, honey. I could write a book on what you’re feeling because I have been there more than anyone could ever know, but trusting God with my life has been the only way I’ve gotten through each and every situation in. Stay strong, be of good courage, don’t faint, and watch how God will work this out in your favor.

  2. sadgirl

    Ms. Andi,

    Thank you and I will do just that. I mean I think I am doing that. I still get up every day and do what needs to be done. It’s those times that I am alone and have time to myself that I think so much into this. I never been in a situation such as this. When a man left or I left, I knew why and was easily healed. With this feeling the way it does it’s very hard to swallow. I will keep all posted in time and let it be known what happens. I thank you for your post, it was very lifting and surprisingly, since he has been gone I have picked up my Bible and been reading more. I talk to God allot and I know he knows my heart and what we deserve. Libra has touched me in a way that no man has ever and I can’t imagine God allowing me to have my hearts desire and then take it away. Libra found me.. he who findeth, so I assumed God sent him to me and in the beginning I took this man for granted because he wasn’t appearance wise what I wanted, but when we got to know each other, he became all that we needed within my family and God was 1st. Now he’s gone and I don’t know what to think. : (

  3. Spenser Avery

    As I read your latest post with a little more information added for us all. I see that we have his age (41) but just how much time did YOU invest in this relationship? At first you didn’t appreciate him, then when you did realize that he was the one and now he’s gone. This all took place in 3 months or 3 years?
    You still sound very heart broken and while their is no cure for a broken heart but time. I would like the women to tell us men and there for Sadgirl what is an appropriate time to court someone. Not back in the 80’s but now. Any recently married people out there that are in there early to late 30’& 40’s?
    After the 1st date with my wife, I knew that I wanted to marry her. With that said we married six years later. Why because she put her foot down. We now have 26 rocky years together and I wouldn’t change a thing because everything was a lesson that I needed to learn at that time. She might differ.
    We have ALL these cute saying’s “why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free” “a man will ONLY do what YOU let him”. Just how much time should Sadgirl have invested into this “Man” or any other relationship before she should make HER goals known?
    Whether it be marriage or shacking up in front of her kids. Just what was your end game Sadgirl. Waiting on him isn’t working out to well and now you say that it will be hard on the next one. Why? Just what are you trying to accomplish. Marriage or a long term ‘friend’ with benefits. And what is your time limit to get there.
    Enough about him. What are you trying to accomplish? How much time should she invest in a relationship that isn’t going where she wants it to? Being is her 40’s (I ASSume)how much time can she afford to be a SAD-WOMAN?

    with Love.

  4. Ms. Andi

    Don’t worry, chica. Perhaps this is a test from God on whom you will truly give your heart to. God, of course, is to be first in your life. Give your heart to Him. We are not to put any man before Him because He is a jealous God. Love Him with all your heart, pray and worship Him in spirit and in truth. When it’s time and if Libra is the one for You, trust God to order his steps back to you. From what I’ve read thus far, this man is really going thru something that he probably needs to deal with without the distraction of a relationship right now. While he’s dealing with it, you need to allow yourself to develop a closer relationship with God. And while you’re focusing on that, God is working this out in the spirit realm for you. He knows the desires of your heart, but you are to diligently seek Him and His righteousness first. Let go of your thoughts of Libra for now. That’s one of the vices of the devil-to distract us from the Lord. The relationship with Libra is not what should be uppermost in your mind right now. Again I say, if it is meant for you and Libra to reunite, it will happen when it’s time. Pray for him, his daughter, and whatever the situation it is that he’s dealing with. God’s grace is sufficient for both of you. I promise you, sweetie, He’s working it out as we speak. Let God do what He does best and you will see for yourself. I hope to hear back from you when this situation is resolved. I continue to pray for you. You just stay focused on your relationship with the Lord and your children. I suggest that you keep reading the Book of Proverbs (I fondly think of it as the Book of Warnings). There is much wisdom and knowledge in there for you. Keep me posted, ok?

  5. Ms. Andi

    @Spenser Avery: I’m glad to know that you’re still as concerned about this young lady as I am. She has finally given us a little more information, but I’m wondering her age as well. As for me, my husband and I met 15 years ago and it took us 7 years before we tied the knot. I needed to know how he would handle coming into a relationship with a 14-year old daughter (mine). He handled it quite nicely. She loves him as though he were her biological father (and she is 26 today). It seems as though Sad Girl leapt before she looked over the side of the cliff where this relationship with Libra is concerned, but haven’t we all done that at least once in our lives? I’m certainly guilty of it. It is highly recommended that any new relationship is taken slowly before the big “L” word is even said. As a mature woman, I know what it’s like to get caught up emotionally ahead of time-it will bite you in the butt and leave teeth marks! It is my sincere prayer that she and anyone else who may be reading this will consider moving slowly when entering a new relationship and when I say move slowly that includes sharing the cookie, too. If the man is worth her time, he will wait patiently, not pressuring her into anything except developing a healthy friendship first. New relationships are like seedlings planted in soil-with lots of love and attention (not the physical love), the seed will develop naturally to its full potential. If the seed is rushed to grow, it will develop fully and then die off quickly. If the seed is neglected, it will not grow at all. I give this wisdom freely to any and all who will partake of it.

  6. sadgirl

    Dear Spenser Avery,

    Just to make a few things more clear. I am very open and up front with everything. THat is just my nature. I’m a true Cancer : ). When I met Libra a YEAR ago thru his sister which is my BFF, I was doing the dating thing, Internet, you name it. I was doing all this at his sisters house on her computer. Libra pursued me for sometime before I gave him the time of day. I didn’t give him a chance because he didn’t “LOOK” like the IBM (Ideal Black Man) that I had in my dreams. My daughter and his nieces were in a double dutch team where we lived and he was there at every practice and so was I. During this time even though I didn’t see him as a mate, we had very good conversation that led to even better conversations. With that being said he knew what we wanted even before we decided to date, we had the same desires. Previous bad relationships experiences, etc.

    I fell in love with his mind, his intellect, his friendship, his support of his mother and family, me, the fact he puts himself last, he already knew all my kids and treated them in a way that I would want a man to treat them and the fact that he not once pushed up on me like these other brothas do. He pursued me for my mind. Once the time came and we made love for the first time the passion was sincere and more than I expected yet again from this man that I had no intention of giving the time of day to. I was surprised. So now compiled together we have chemistry too. For me a great package. I was looking for the wrong things. Of course I don’t say marry me in 6 months, etc. etc. but it’s made aware of what I want, and jump offs aint it! I am 34 years old and I’m done with the shacking (we weren’t) I don’t rush it either. But we talked about all of that and he was in agreement. Idk what happened. That’s why it hurts so. I do all this because I want to be clear and up front with a man so he knows what he’s getting into and give him the opportunity to back out, or tell me that’s not what he wants. I didn’t sense Libra wanted to do that. I know I didn’t appreciate him in the beginning, time had to grown on me, he would say he loved me and I wouldn’t respond. That bothered him. Then one day I woke up and was like I am in love with this man. When that happened we stepped into a whole nother world, cause at that moment he had my heart and promised he’d protect it….

    I don’t want to keep starting over and as everyone says “take a chance again” I have done this far too many times. Before I met Libra my wall was up and he was able to break it down,he was patient and that allowed me to open up, I could talk to him and the best part was I could finally trust again. Now this. : (

  7. Spenser Avery

    Something within you has chosen to reach out for help. Maybe it’s the cycle that you have fallen into. Maybe because your children are getting older. But you want help. I don’t know the FULL story and I will never know the full story. Because there are three sides. Yours, mine and what really happened. If you remember. I asked for people in your situation or better still. People that were in your situation to comment on how they met their goals. Be it marriage or shacking up. What works for you, might not work for me.
    Is dating for a year before getting married OK? I don’t know. I didn’t do that. Should you wait 6 years, like I did. I think not. Again my opinion. I didn’t have four kids when I met my girlfriend who would later become my wife. Nor was I in my thirties. But I think that we are here on this site to support one another. You put out a very disturbing set of circumstances and to those of us in long term (very long term) relationships its a horror story of abandonment.
    The pain is there. The hurt is there. Nothing I type into this computer is going to make it go away. But if you are even half of what you professed to be on this website. Not only will you get through this. As you said that this has been done before with others. But should he resurface from witness relocation. Or his sister (Ur BFF) tell you what’s really going on. You can make a better informed decision. About a this man.
    After all. You now know that he is capable of leaving you without a word, a note, a phone call or a message in a bottle. None of us know if you just dodged the mother of all bullet’s or not.
    You seem to be romancing what could have been a bit much. That still works both ways. The good and the bad. Keep this in mind also.

    (( If I Love You ~ I Trust You ))

  8. Anna

    I was working so hard at work last week, trying to train my assistant so I can take a staycation that I missed this post.
    I always tell hubby “don’t ask a question that you already know the answer to”. This = if you don’t want to hear the truth, don’t ask!
    Dear BMWK: He Left Without a Goodbye.
    Anyone who leaves without a goodbye had commitment issues or was not that into you. They were “opportunistic”. They were simply taking advantage for their own gain. I would never date a guy marry him and move into his home. We have to have our own history/ home together.

  9. sadgirl

    Dear Anna,

    I am appreciating allot of these comments on here. I am. But I need to be honest. Majority of the woman I noticed are married and have been for sometime and say what they WOULD NEVER DO or WOULD NEVER HAVE DONE. These women have been lucky and found a man that was willing to marry them. In a way I envy that because I have not had such luck in my life. My mother was 13 and father 16 when they had me. To say the least I raised myself : (. At 18, I had my first kid by my 1st love. at 2m pregnant he left me. 4 Years later I met my other 3 children’s father who took me thru 11 years of pure hell. I had to move 800miles away just to get away from him. Since the split 4 years ago, I have gotten back in the dating scene and it has been crucial to me. I am single black woman with 4 KIDS, I think that sums it up for me to be able to truly have a wholesomely good man with no flaws. I have had the “IDEAL” man but my kids have been too much for them and its sad because my kids are really very good kids. I am blessed. I don’t say I settle but the men that are willing to accept me and my 4 kids are much more humble in their life and do things way different than that other man who is driving the BMW – they have very different goals. So when I find a man that at least has the qualities that I desire and equal to what my children need and want from a man, I stick by that. What Libra has done is absolutely wrong, no doubt. I want to and probably should say F%^& him, right now IDK what I’m facing. But I know what I don’t want to loose. I used to say I didn’t NEED a man. Well I took that from my boys cause for so long I pushed men away. Now my boys are older and I see how much they do NEED a man around since their father is not and has not been up to 4 years ago.

    Libra has made this decision, the way he is he deals with things on his own. He told me in so many words that he didn’t think he wanted to be in a relationship during this situation because he didn’t know what was going on in NY with his daughter and he didn’t know if I could “wait”. I assured him we could do this, so I guess I convinced him. Ultimately we talked for 2 days and at the end of the day we came to a decision together and his words play over and over in my mind. I strongly believed him but if it turns out to be proven wrong, then it’s yet another lesson learned for me.

    I am accepting that he could very well have “played” me but from where I am I feel I need to wait because how many choices of men do you think I have? and I don’t have Low self esteem.

  10. Lamar

    @Sadgirl- your boys do need a male role model but it doesn’t have to be the guy you’re dating. Get them into some programs with male leadership, a mentoring program, church or with family members who may be strong males.

    I think the family here has given you a ton of great advice even though we momentarily got off track. The question is now what are you going to do with that. I think someone advised to step outside of yourself and that was good stuff. No matter how much you explain I don’t think you’ll be changing anyone’s mind but I pray that someone here does change yours. I’m sure a lot of people in these comments would agree that we’ve all thought someone was “the one” for us only to find out that God had someone totally different and better in store for us in the long run.

  11. Ms. Andi

    @Lamar-Lamar, I totally agree with your recent post. Sadgirl, just because something (or someone) is good to us doesn’t necessarily mean they are good for us. While Libra may have met your physical, mental, and emotional needs at that moment in your life, it doesn’t mean that there’s not someone else who can meet that and more for a lifetime. Take your time, honey-what GOD has for you, no man (or woman) can take from you. Remember, whomever GOD has for you must be able to add to, correct, and protect you and your kids life. He’s coming, Little One, but you must be patient and line yourself up with the WORD of GOD. The last thing you want to do is get out of position with HIM. As human beings, we always want to fix our own problems instead of letting GOD do what HE does best. The battle is not yours, sweetie; it’s the LORD’s. Re-read the postings of those who have given you some really good advice-surely there’s something in there that will help you. But the ultimate decision is yours to make, not anyone else’s. Ask yourself, “Am I going to continue to wallow in this, or am I going to allow GOD to fix it for me?” You mentioned to me in an earlier posting that he who finds a wife finds a good thing. If you truly believe this, then allow yourself to be found and stop looking for Mr. Right. Trust me, baby, he will find you when you least expect it. Lamar said something that was very good. Seeing how you have sons, get them involved in a mentoring program of some sort. There are plenty of men out here who would enjoy the opportunity of mentoring young men such as yours. The same holds true for your daughters. Just look at how we have been communicating; there are avenues available to you, baby, but you must take the initiative.

    I’m going to lunch now, but I will check back in w/you later today or tomorrow. Keep your head to the sky, Little One. It’s gonna be alright.

  12. sadgirl

    Ms. Andi – your words are very uplifting. Lamars to. I don’t think I have had many speak from experiences that have had, so how true does anyone know how awful I feel. I’m tired of hearing BE PATIENT, wait, God will bring that one to you. Tell me how long must I wait. I am 34. First kid’s father left me 18 and pregnant. 2nd father or my 3 took me thru verbal, physical abuse for 11 years, I stayed because I wanted that “family”. So evaluation. I have not have true love or a good man in my life. After the split of 11y in 2006 I moved to GA- here I found a sea of all typed of men. All wanting nothing but a good time. I have taken to time to “find” myself and God. I stopped dating until I was ready. Prior to Libra I was single for almost 2 years. I didn’t look for him he came to me when I least expected, when I just got off my knee’s and came from church praying to God to bring me a good man that Loved God, myself and my children, a man that could satisfy my desires. Libra has done all that. But I wonder what could ail him to leave the way he did. I don’t blame myself. But I am tired of hearing that God will bring me the one because when I think he has come, something like this happens. My life is hard, raising 4 alone is hard. I would think God would hurry it up and bless me with that man before I have a stroke or a brain aneurysm from the things I deal with on a DAILY BASIS believe me that is where it is heading. No amount of reading can help that. I’m tired of giving myself to later be hurt. Why can’t I have what Tyler Perry shows in his movies, the girl gets her man and they live happily ever after in less than a year. I’m just as smart, sexy and beautiful as they are.

    I am now sad and confused

  13. sadgirl

    Oh, and my boys are in Football, have a mentor at school and My youngest daughter does cheer leading 4-5 days a week. I work 5 days a week at a Gov facility. We attend Church. Read the word. Do our best to live by God’s commandments and all we ALL want is for me to eventually walk down that isle and my kids tell me how much they want that to. My 4y old says to me “Mommie, do you want me to go out and find you a BF” how pathetic is that for my 4 y old to say that.

    What more must I do? How many times am I supposed to take a chance with the man who is telling me all that I want to hear, I take it slow, then in a year I get a bomb dropped on me! Am I expected to pick up and keep it moving? How many times does anyone think a SBW with 4 kids can handle that. It’s devastating.

  14. Tara

    @sadgirl – Okay, I let the first movie reference – The Notebook – go, but now you’ve brought up Tyler Perry movies wondering why that can’t be you.

    I don’t even know where to start.

    First, let me say that it is normal to question God and wonder, “When is it going to be MY turn?” You are only human and you waver in patience and sometimes find yourself at the end of your rope. That is natural.

    What is NOT natural is wondering why your life doesn’t resemble anything that Hollywood cooks up. I loved The Notebook just as much as anyone, and Tyler Perry movies are okay, I guess (don’t get me started), but you can’t think that it will happen to you in that way.

    You obviously have been through a lot and past relationships have left you…well, I’m cautious not to say broken, but close to it. It is hard to hold on when you can’t see that sign, that little inkling that everything will be okay.

    You’re so clearly looking for the happily ever after, but the happily ever after starts with you. I know you’re tired of being alone, but it truly starts with you. Only then can the right man come along.

  15. Friendly

    @sadgirl – I know you’re tired of hearing “be patient”, but that’s exactly what you have to do. Be patient and concentrate on finding peace and happiness within yourself and for your children. I’m 38 and single so trust, I’ve had more than my share of “why don’t I have someone God” moments. I’ve also had my heart stomped on by someone who I thought was finally the answer to my prayers (and to be brutally honest someone who I felt was my “last chance” at finding a husband and happiness since I was in my 30’s) and felt what you are feeling. And at the time no encouraging words or prayers or faith made me feel better. But honey life WILL go on and although I know it’s hard to see now, over time the prayers and encouragement will work and YOU WILL FEEL BETTER. Also, I know it’s sounds like a cliche, but you do find love when you first learn to truly love yourself and often when you’re not looking and least expect it.

  16. sadgirl

    Curious to know have you found it? I had done all of that and got to the giving up point until Libra came in my life. It’s almost like I am destine to be alone and my position in life is to a single struggling mother. : (

  17. Friendly

    Actually I did meet someone when I was in no way looking and after about a year of being together he said that he needed some space to figure out our relationship and disappeared for about a month (no phone calls, texts, emails, NOTHING) and even though it hurt like hell, I refused to let it break me because I had found too much love and happiness within myself. I gave myself a day to cry and mope and then kept it moving and guess what? He came back and we’ve been together for the last 3 years. All this to say that Libra may truly just need some time and may come back to you or he may not. Either way you have to find a way to truly have peace and contentment in your life regardless of outside circumstances. I’m not saying it’s easy or that it happens overnight or that I’ve totally mastered being able to do that, but the joy that you’ll feel (and consequently that you’ll see reflected in your children) will make the work towards that goal worth it.

  18. Spenser Avery

    “Either way you have to find a way to truly have peace and contentment in your life regardless of outside circumstances”

    Good Idea. SadGirl does mention that when she wasn’t actively looking she did find Libra right under her nose.

  19. Kiy

    All I can say is that you need to keep it moving. If this man contacts you in the future, and you go back with him, you have made one major mistake: you have taught him to mistreat you by accepting his maltreatment of you.

    Bottom line: We teach people how they can treat us by what we have accepted from them in the past.

    Sometimes, love makes us blind and we miss red flags that would have been obvious if we had not been “in love.” Once you get some emotional distance, your vision will get clear.

    Additionally, stop trying to figure out why he left. At the end of the day, he left because he wanted to. I know it hurts and sounds harsh, but you have children to focus on. By concentrating your energy on this man, you are putting him – not your children – first and frankly, he just isn’t worthy of the time and energy.

    Remember, when you’re in an emotional state, your heart can betray you.

  20. K.I.M. Keep It Movin'

    Sad Girl!

    You think you don’t have low self esteem but, newsflash—>You Do!
    Your words speak volumes!!!
    So, 1st thing you need to do is deal with that!!
    (The 1st step is admitting that you have a problem!!)

    You just ain’t gon stop until someone tells you what you wanna hear, but this ain’t gonna be that place. O.K?
    The consensus here is…K.I.M.
    Honey, STOP tryna make sense outta non-sense.

    It would also behoove you to get out of the “friendship” with is sister. That’s a thin line and I’m sure that her loyalty lies with her brother and not, YOU! Chances are that you’re bein’ double clowned!!! Seriously…

    I really wish you’d do yourself a the previous commenter(s) have said, simply temporarily remove yourself and read Sad Girl’s post as if you didn’t know her! What advice would you give her?

    I’d also like to know:
    Why do you just have to have a boyfriend/husband NOW?
    Maybe it’s not your time…ever thought of that?
    Why does it have to be Libra?
    Did you ever even sit down and ask him if he would be comfortable marrying a woman with 4 kids (@ home)!?
    4 of your own kids is a lot..imagine someone else’

    Often times women want/expect much but don’t have the equivalent to give in return.

    Going forward..Ask yourself!
    What is it about ME & MY 4 KIDS that would make someone want to come in and PERMANENTLY assume the provider role?!?

    Furthermore, what does he get in return?

  21. Penny

    @Sad Girl,
    You mentioned that many of the women replying are married so it doesn’t seem as if they can empathize with your situation. Just a thought, you know don’t know what their relationships with other men prior to their marriage. You know the old saying, “you have to kiss a lot of toads…” Anyway, I am not married, am in my 40’s and had a relationship (to be specific, we were going to be married) end like yours ended. He stopped answering the phone (went straight to voice mail)and would not give me any indication of what was wrong. Finally after a few months, I got some bogus explanation of why he wanted to terminate the relationship. I say bogus, because there didn’t seem to be a whole lot of logic in the explanation. Did it hurt? Yes. Does it still hurt? Yes, but not as badly as it did when it first happened. The bottom line is that we are never going to know what is in another person’s mind. He may have told you the truth, or he may not. You don’t know and in all likelihood will never know. You mentioned that he is secretive with his family-sounds like this guy has major emotional unavailability issues. Even if this guy comes back, how are you going to be able to trust him now? When something else happens, in all probability, he will just leave you without a word (and people in a good loving relationship communicate with each other) and you will be right back where you are now. Miserable, and wondering what you could have done differently. Nothing-his failings are not your fault.

    I firmly believe that my guy’s behavior was God’s way of telling me that this man was not the right man for me. Maybe God is trying to tell you the same thing. You say your experiences with men have been less than positive (you had to leave the state to get away from the father of your last 3 children-he was mentally and physically abusive) so maybe, just maybe God removing this clown (sorry, I don’t mean to disrespect you or him, but men who don’t have the decency to end a relationship clearly or in person are a sore point with me right now) from your life is God’s message to you that you are worthy, you do deserve something better and it is coming-you just have to wait. How long? I have no idea. Remember the song “He may not come when you want Him, but He’s always on time.”

    I wish you peace of mind and peace of heart.

  22. sadgirl

    @ Penny,

    Being secretive isn’t a crime. He lived a hard rough life out of NY and is 1 of 9 children, his family isn’t tight like it should be. I don’t have a relationship with majority of my family, I surely font tell them much of anything. Half of them don’t even know that I have a 4th child. When he left his sister and my BFF was in SC, we live in GA, she didn’t even know what was going on. He is 41, who does he have to answer to but God. He told me what was going on because it obviously mattered that I knew. He got the call about his daughter, analyzed if it was that important to go and his ppl from NY began to make the arrangements for him to arrive. So I knew when he knew and we spent that last week trying to “talk it out”.


    I don’t think I have low self esteem. That is something I have never been told. I love me. Who I am as a woman first and the mother I have become. I don’t allow my kids to see my pain. They still go to football, cheer leading, baseball. I still take them to the Zoo, etc. I still have a hidden sadness inside because I am without.

    To answer your question. To have a BF or husband now. Because I have been taught thru my Pastor to become submissive. I am a woman who comes from Independence and have chased many good men away. My Pastor has witnessed this. So I asked for him to get me prepared for my husband. I have never went looking for a man. I did the Internet thing for a few months and met some crazies so I stopped that. I took time off to get my things in order. I accepted that I would need to allow a man to come into my life and be the head and for ME to step down. I am ready. When I met Libra he was everything I asked God to send me. Just like men only required 3 things, support, loyalty and the cookie. I don’t require much either. I am by far not high maintenance, but you wouldn’t know it looking at me. Most women think I am conceded and most men are intimidated. Libra brook thru that because I put up a fight, just to see how far he could take it. He took allot before I said yes. For me he won my challenge. We connected in a way that I have never before with a man.

    As far as my kids. He has children to and I would treat them like my own. The one that is in NY of course I never met but his daughter here, is like my own when she comes. We support each other, we have each others backs. He was always there for me every time I called on him. Never complained. Never asked why. and in return he got the support, the love, the loyalty and had plenty of cookie.

    @ Kiy – I agree with you on your “bottom line”. I will always wonder why he left if I never get that answer. Just as why I always wondered why the man I was with for 11y cheated, etc. It took time for me to get that answer but when I did I was able to have the closure I needed. As well as my 1st daughters father. We were together 4 y when I got pregnant. The day I told him, he left. I didn’t see him til my daughter was 2 months old. Then he left again. I didn’t get my answer from him til our daughter was 2 y old. But when he told me we were able to move on as parents. From who he was and where he came from his reason to some may have been “bogus” but I understood because I knew HIM.

    @Spenser Avery – Each day is getting better. But who I am is a woman that has a forgiving heart. I have been kicked down by many, including my own family. But the bible teaches forgiveness. I don’t know what he is enduring right now. But his daughter comes before me. No excuse not to call but I don’t know what could have happen. As I said before if I lost my phone I wouldn’t know ANYONE”S phone number. He’s not close with his family and sometimes they have a phone, or change the number, you know how that goes. He never talked OUR business to anyone in the family, not even his sister, my BFF. She only knew what I told her and all 3 of us were around each other everyday. Me and my brother are close and he don’t discuss his females with me and when he does something “private” he don’t tell me either, til he gets back. Maybe this a man thing. IDK.

    Right now, I am working on obtaining that peace and contentment. We will see where that unfolds. By your screen name, your a man. Men’s opinions to me are so very different then the women’s. I know what I should do as a woman. But I really want to know from a mans mind what’s triggers a mans actions in this manner?

  23. K.I.M. Keep It Movin'

    In and earlier post you went to see a psychic for advice and now you’re talkin’ about what your pastor told you?!!? LOL…O.K.!!!

    You’re kinda all over the place, ain’t ya?

    Have you ever heard the saying..”Everything was cool until she opened her mouth?”
    I’m sorry but, the more you open your mouth…the worst this becomes!

    Honey child, you are in denial and you do have self esteem issues.
    Believe/Receive it, or not!

    My final question and the bottom line is this:
    You’ve gotten the advice of a psychic, a pastor, various friends/associates, some of his family members, and now the BMWK family…
    Sad Girl, what are you gonna do?!

  24. sadgirl

    @ K.I.M –

    FYI: (all over the place) This has been OVER TIME. If you read Anonymous person. 3y (2006) ago I was dating and looking, I brought the one I was steady with at the time to my church and my Pastor witnessed how the relationship was, more-so me, it was a small congregation. Obviously because I was not ready to be submissive to a man the relationship dissolved and when that happen, my then Pastor and his 1st lady helped me in my preparation. My faith grew, I focused and stopped dating for a long time. I needed more so I went to a different church, larger, not much of a personal relationship’s as I had before but I was getting more in the word, still NOT dating. Got a better job, a better place, etc, continuing to do what I needed to to move forward in my life.

    2008-09 I met Libra. Had a great friendship that turned into a relationship. I called a physic because I am not from this state and don’t have very many friends here. It’s hard to talk about the situation with your BFF when it’s her brother. So I try not to. I don’t go out because I FOCUS on my children all the time. I forgot about BMWK until I read something in Essence about them. I figure advice from here was FREE so I didn’t need to keep paying a physic.

    My old Pastor has moved his Church so I don’t have that much contact with him. My options are limited. I assumed for a second that our sisters would hold other sisters down in a time of need, but even in this economy only this race continues to put each other down. Sad. And that is why I stay to myself. We as a ppl majority of us any way will never speak volumes of positivity in situations such as this, despite knowing where we ALL come from. As a woman I do my best to hold a brother down in a time of need, maybe that is why I get dogged out, I wear my heart on my shoulder. I’ll give you my last. This has nothing to do with low self esteem. Things happen in life that breaks ppls hearts and we have the right to voice that, reach out, introduced all possibilities to be broken down and that is what I am here wanting/trying to do.

    Because I am a movie buff (always home) – relate this to Daddy’s Little Girls – ( I love TP!! Shout Out!) she thought he lied and didn’t hear him out. She went to her girls, they supported her, they didn’t knock her down make her feel worse. They were there for her. Then she found the truth out. I wouldn’t want someone like you to be my friend cause making insults could send someone who is really vulerable and on their lowest level to the grave. You should be careful.

  25. Tara

    @sadgirl – Please stop searching for answers. It’s very obvious that there are none that will please you. The only thing to do is move on, live your life and if/when he comes back, hear him out but keep in mind that you didn’t find his behavior acceptable.

    At first when I read the comments on this post, I thought King James was being a typical man (no offense at all!!!!) when he said, “Be happy for now. But hear him out when its time.” But now I realize that that’s all you can do. Eleven words. Take it to heart.

  26. K.I.M. Keep It Movin'

    You call it insults…I call it keepin’ it real!

    People have given you the soft, kind, gentler version and you’re not receiving that either.

    Do you, DON’T K.I.M.!
    Sit around and continue playin’ the victim and see how that works for you and your kids.


  27. Friendly

    @sadgirl – Sweetie you’ve missed the point I was trying to make. What my boyfriend had to think about and was it another woman (fyi – it wasn’t) doesn’t matter. The point is whether a guy stays or goes is outside of your control and you must learn to not let that affect the joy and contentment you feel within yourself and with your life.

  28. Ms. Andi

    @ Sadgirl: You said in your most recent post that you asked God to prepare you for your husband. How do you know that this isn’t the preparation stage you’re in right now? You also said that you took time off to get things in your life in order and that you now think that you are ready. From what I’ve read so far, you’re still not ready just yet. God is still doing a work in you, SadGirl. His time is not our time, baby. I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but you must continue to be patient. How long will God’s preparation take? I honestly cannot answer that because only He knows when you’re ready for that husband. He is putting you through something right now to get your attention off Libra and on Him. He is your husband right now. If you don’t develop a committed and lasting relationship with Him, how can you do that with an earthly husband? I know it’s hard, Little One, but greater blessings are in store for you if you just hold on. We cannot rush God to bless us, baby. He does what He wants in His time. We can demand blessings from Him, but that does not obligate Him to follow thru for us when we want whatever it is we want. Matthew 6:32b says that your heavenly Father knows what you need; 6:33 says that you are to first seek the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all things will be added unto you. Do you know that before gold is actually gold, it must be put through several fires so that all its impurities are purged in order for it to be considered pure? You are the gold, Little One and the situation that you currently find yourself in is the purification process. God does not want you to raise those 4 children alone but before He blesses you with a husband and a father for them, He has to purify your heart. Stay the course and let Him do what He does; I know that I know that I know that you will come out of it as pure as gold. When you rush God, it only takes longer to get through the process because you’re focusing on the length of the process. But when you focus on Him and thank Him for the process, it goes much quicker. Baby, pls heed what I say-I have had more experiences with relationships than I could ever tell you about, but I know Who has gotten me thru each and every one, each and every pain, disappointment, etc. Let go and let God.

  29. Harriet

    Sadgirl, I haven’t responded to these latest developments on purpose. But after your last post, I must respond. Msandi is absolutely right. You cannot relegate God to your timing and mindset. He’s not going to respond to your tears and mentality (spoken from difficult experience). The legs that move God are 1) Faith and 2) Obedience.

    That said, my question for you is did your FEELINGS and ASTROLOGY lead you to your relationship with this man, or did God? We’re quick to put God on our own plans, and then when those plans don’t pan out, we have a scapegoat to blame it on. In reality, the problem doesn’t lie with God, it lies within us.

    I’m a little concerned about the movie comparisons to your life as well as your unwillingness to receive sound, wise counsel. If you’re looking for people to agree with you about everything you say–girl, check out some of the other stories on this site–you definitely came to the wrong place. For the most part, the advisement you will receive will be solid, truthful and to the point. Most people here don’t have time to play around with fragile feelings, especially when we take into consideration your four children.

    My suggestion to you is what I originally stated way back when you first posted this letter. Get outside yourself and look at yourself from an objective viewpoint. I don’t think KIM was insulting you, she was telling it like it is. I’m going to do the same.

    Give everything to God…not just this situation. He will show you the intrinsic value you have in His eyes so when anyone tries to deduce you to a lower level, you can stand firm in your identity with HIM, not a zodiac sign or a relationship.


    But you’ve gotta know it. We can type and talk will we’re blue in the face, but you’ve got to get your own revelation. I pray it takes place sooner rather than later. Be blessed!

  30. Ms. Andi

    @SadGirl: My church choir sings a song during every service that I thought might be appropriate for you. I won’t go through the entire song verse for verse, but the refrain says, “Don’t give up on God, ’cause He won’t give up on you. He’s able!” Hold on, Sweet Pea, you are not going through this for nothing. There is a blessing coming your way, but you can’t rush it. When it’s time and in His time, you will receive what He’s been holding for you. I am not going to say anything negative to you about yourself, your situation, or your emotions, because we all have them. But the key to it all is how we deal with the situations that come our way. Our emotional reaction is crucial to every situation, honey. The Word of God is the answer to any and every situation that comes our way. Trust Him that He knows what He’s doing w/you and through you. He knows your heart’s desire, but you must desire Him more than you desire a mate, whether it is to be Libra or not. He won’t put more on you than you can handle;even though it sounds corny, it’s very true.

  31. sadgirl

    @ Ms. Andi

    As much as I have endured I really don’t believe that God wants his child to continue to hurt the way and do and let it affect or NOT affect my children. My oldest is 15 and grew up with out her father and her pain is shown everyday. My son is 12 and leading down that same road. Is it fair to them. I don’t think so. What about the 2 youngest? As it states, ask and ye will receive. Not solely just for me, for them to. This is the first time that I realized what my hearts desire is and know what I want and have asked God to give it to me. So when I stopped looking, and continued that same prayer and Libra fell out of no where, to me that was a blessing come due. But maybe because I didn’t appreciate what I received (Libra) and was selfish when he had to make a major move this is my test. IDK. Time reveals all.

    I hear what your saying however, in order to get the only blessing I want in my life are you saying I need to be able to quote scriptures and all that? I don’t even have allot of time to read the bible, I still sin, etc. So because of that I won’t be blessed with a husband. That is what I am getting. Because in all actuality I have never had a good God fearing man in my life. I am struggling and its an emotional internal breakdown which is the worst because your circle of ppl don’t see that, but I am still standing, meaning fronting, that I am not crushed that I have struggled since I was 18. Patients. It’s gone. I look around and see the hooker, the drug user all get swept off their feet and be blessed with a man. I have taken care of home, kids, always held a job, etc since my first kid. Asked to be taught the way to walk in Christ and I still can’t figure it out. 🙁

  32. Ms. Andi

    @ Sadgirl: No, honey, that’s not what I was trying to convey. No you don’t need to quote scripture to get a blessing from Him, but learning some is always helpful-it gives you something to reference back to. What I’m saying is that scripture builds your faith in Him and His promises. Faith is not believing that God can; it’s knowing that God will. The Scriptures were given to us to build our faith in God-not to condemn us, honey. Faith is the key to all that we desire in this life. Have you ever seen a mustard seed? It is the smallest seed on earth. God tells us to have mustard seed faith in Him and His Word. For our seed to grow into watermelon-sized seed, we must study and meditate on His Word. The more we study and meditate, the larger our seed grows meaning the more our faith grows. Just because you asked God for something doesn’t mean He’s going to just cough it up right then and there. He doesn’t operate that way; surely you’ve figured that out by now. Listen, I don’t know what else I can say to you at this point, because it now feels as though no matter what I say, you’re not willing to open up your mind and heart. But it’s not me that you need advising you; you need the Master’s care. I will continue to pray for you regardless. There is a phone number I want to e-mail to you for tonight’s prayer service. It would be good for you to listen in on what my pastor has been teaching on. I have to go get it from my car. I’ll e-mail it to you in a few minutes, ok?

  33. Ms. Andi

    @ Sadgirl: I misquoted myself earlier. Faith is not knowing that God will; it is knowing that God can. The Hebrews wandered in the desert for 40 years because they did not believe that God could bring them to the Promise Land. How long are you going to wander in your desert, Little One? Here’s the dial-in number I spoke of earlier: 712-432-0075. The access code is:202118. The service begins at 6:30pm Central time-I don’t know what time-zone you live in, but hopefully you’ll take the time to dial in and listen. Our prayer service begins at 6:00am. You can use the same number to join in on that as well. If I had thought about it, I would have given you this number when I first started reading your post. I wish I had your personal e-mail address because I would forward you the e-mail I received from my daughter today-it knocked me off my feet! If you want to contact me, here’s my work e-mail address: I am more than happy to converse with you on a personal level, if that’s what you want. I’m not pressuring you to do anything, but I know that if you allow the Holy Spirit to minister to you through me, you will get past this situation with a lot less tension, anxiety, and depression. But that’s your choice. So I’m going to close for now, but my offer is open to you and anyone else who would like to listen in on the conference call. Take God’s peace w/you, Sadgirl, and holla back if you want. I’ll be here.

    P.S. We only have two more days of prayer and fasting (not including tonight). We’ve been at it since Aug. 1st and it has truly made a difference in my life-it can make a difference in yours too. :~)

  34. Lisa

    Sadgirl pick yourself up and stop trying to figure out things. This man did not respect you enough, to communicate with you and tell you his true feelings. whether your relationship, and/or his so called family issues. If you too were really connected, he would be able to share his issues with you his woman.
    I too was in a relationship with a man that i felt very connected too. He was great in wispering little sweet nothings, making me hope that he was the one. We moved in together, but there always was that dreaded feeling that i felt something wasnt right. At the time, couldnt quite put my finger on what wasn’t right. Well i return home from work one day only to find all his stuff gone. No note, no phone call and no explenation. He just left, just like that, leaving me with all the bills.
    It was a shock at first, then it took me an hour to get over him. Because I am real women who is worthy and full of faith. Presently, at this point, i dont care what his explanation is. My priorties in life are my two sons. I feel great that I am not living with someone who was not man enough to tell me the truth (a coward).
    So sad girl, stop being sad and making excuses for his behavior. Stand strong…….

  35. Maria

    Sad Girl:

    Let me give you some advice. I can only tell you this because I am experiencing something similar to your but much longer term (talking 17 years of history). They always come back. Its how you handle it when they do. Sometimes it may take years but they always come back. It may take your heart some time and it may never heal until you have that chance to put finality to it but it does get better. I know you want advice so let me give you some. Don’t listen to everyone else’s opinion. Do what’s in your heart as you are the only one who will reap the benefits for feel the pain behind it. Sometimes men make mistakes that they cannot recover from and you will be the one to define it when he does return. When they leave without saying goodbye, they want to leave the door open for an eventual return. Sometimes by then we are over them and sometimes not. I am still hurting from someone leaving 3 years ago. Sure, I’ve had many romances since then but it just is not the same. You can’t open another door until this one closes. But you can be assured, he will be back. You may not like his reason for leaving but you’ll deal with it at the time and make your decision from that. None of us can tell you what that is. It may be good or it may not be acceptable but at least you’ll have it and be able to get over it if it is not. It’s easier when you know than the unknown. If you feel this man really loves you, then he most likely does. He may have gotten involved in something that you cannot control and he is not yet ready to explain or end but when a man leaves like that they always come back. If for nothing else for punishment so that they can relieve themselves of the guilt. It will be impossible for him to be happy at your expense so you can be guaranteed whatever it is it is not going to work out. Just wait awhile, and if you feel like trying to contact him for an explanation, do so. But he’ll be back. They always do and maybe you will see him in another light by then. It may take months or years but you can be guaranteed he will be back.

  36. Maria

    Sad Girl:

    Since I am 45 and have been divorced for quite a while, I’ve dated a lot. Trust me, it may be six days or six years but you will hear from him again. It has happened to me numerous times where they call or just show up on my doorstep. Depending on the deepness of your relationship you may try again, you may not. But believe me, you will be the one in control not him this time!!!!!!!!

  37. sadgirl


    I wanted to write you back and tell you I appreciate what you said and that I have already decided to follow my heart. It’s best for me and others. I have since met other guys wanting to take me out on dates and I just can’t do it for me or to that man, it’s not fair. My mind would be on Libra.

    I’ve read all the comments and have taken heed to each and everyone. I learned a long time ago to do what my heart feels. I got lost for a minute absorbing what everyone was saying and had to take a step back in the matter and do what I feel is right for me. It’s been 5 weeks. Some days are better than others. Some days I am mad as hell some days I’m okay and can deal with it. Too many times I have listened to others and did what they said and not what my heart told me to do and it backfired on me. Not just in relationships either. Each day I feel more distance from him and for me, when that happens it’s hard to get it back.

    If anything I am more pissed off at the fact that I believe wholeheartedly that my BFF knows more than she is letting on and it’s messed up that she is watching me hurt like hell and go thru this and won’t tell me the truth. Her truth of the matter could give me closure as well and I am beginning to doubt our friendship. Yes, her loyalty maybe to her brother but she has told me things before that he told her NOT to tell me and he didn’t get mad at her. Now with this situation and me breaking down to her, she should tell me what I NEED to know to move on. (I would for her ) It’s hard being around her when I want to talk about the situation she finds away to avoid it EVERY TIME, to me that’s guilt.

  38. Be joyous and hopeful

    It seems he had plans to leave the relationship, given the week’s notice. He just didn’t know how to breakup with you. Given the choice between fight or flight, he chose flight. If he cared about you the way you do him, he wouldn’t have left in such a way, without saying exactly what’s wrong with his daughter (if there is anything wrong. If it was an emergency, he wouldn’t have waited a week. There is probably another woman.) He would have allowed you to see him off, he would have called when he got there, he would be calling constantly to stay in touch. Do yourself a favor and leave your thoughts of him in the same manner he left you. Drop your thoughts immediately and never look back. Don’t pick up the phone if he calls ever. Thank God himself you don’t have kids together and never married him. Consider it a blessing in disguise. Be joyous in this. Don’t be ashamed to seek counseling to get out of the depression.

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Dear BMWK, Is Hurt Natural In a Relationship?

BY: - 31 Aug '09 | Dear BMWK

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Dear BMWK,

I had  a conversation recently where the topic centered around being hurt in a relationship. My friend thinks that  love should never hurt and thinks being dissappointment and pain are signs that one should walk away. I completely disagreed. I think hurt is an unfortunate part of every relationship. People will disappoint, mistakes will happen, things will be forgotten. What do you think?

BMWK family we’ll let you weigh in on this one. Let your fellow reader know what you think about the situation.

About the author

Lamar Tyler wrote 2229 articles on this blog.

Lamar Tyler is co-creator He also is the co-producer of the films Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me, Men Ain't Boys and Still Standing.


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