Singles POV: A Lady Never Facebooks on the First Date

BY: - 22 Oct '09 | Relationships

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(Yesterday we ran a married man’s point of view on Facebook and it was a very hot topic. Well… we have a lot of single readers and we didn’t want to leave them out so today we’re running a single woman’s point of view. Check it out and let us know what you think.)

by Cherise Adkins

It’s hard enough navigating the single world as a woman living in 2009. With all this new technology, it seems the excitement of romance is dying with every push of a button or click of a mouse. It is my belief that our quest to find “The One” is being directly hampered by high-tech advances in communication. We’ve gone from the telephone to e-mail to texting to what I consider the worst perpetrator of them all: Facebook.

Human nature says the basic rules of male-to-female attraction involve what’s referred to as The Chase. And in today’s world, both men and women are responsible for its demise. It’s not uncommon for two people to meet at a bar, and end the first conversation with a phrase that kills any and all relationship potential. That self-destructive two-word phrase is “Facebook me!” It’s practically a dating suicide bombing. And I’ll tell you why.

My own personal case studies (and we’ll get into that in just a moment) have lead me to conclude the following fact. Add him as a friend and be prepared to listen to silence. Yes, that’s the sound of your phone not ringing. I noticed this phenomenon when I friended a string of men, only to notice their sudden disinterest.

I first noticed it on Halloween 2008. I was dressed as a female cop. He was a shirtless genie in a bottle. We both were out for a night on the town. After a brief and flirty conversation, he gave me his name and told me to look him up on Facebook. Warning ladies– don’t do it. Anyway, back to my story. Being blissfully unaware, I found him the next day and tagged him in a picture we took together. From that day on, I never heard a word from him. Not so much as a “nice meeting you” or “thanks for tagging me.” For him, it was mission complete. I quickly became another pretty face in a crowd of a thousand friends. I thought nothing of this until months later when I met someone else who seemed pretty into me. I Facebooked him. Poof! No interest on his part. Then it happened again. And again. Until I realized that Facebook friending has not only replaced the false promise of a phone call, but it virtually guarantees that a man will show no interest in you at all. And it’s not his fault. It’s yours.

If a man already knows your background, interests, preferences, what makes you laugh, what you dreamed about last night, what you ate for breakfast today, what you thought about that new romantic comedy, and why you’re taking your pet to the vet at 12 noon, what in the world would inspire him to pick up the phone and call you?

The answer is nothing. Facebook bombards you with detailed insight into another person’s life, thus eliminating the element of mystery. Without mystery, there is no intrigue. Without intrigue, there is no reason to chase. And without The chase, well you can just forget it.

Too much too soon can be detrimental. So limit your social networking to in-person encounters and you’re sure to find virtual success in the real world of dating.

Single BMWK family, should you FB friend a potential date that you meet? Have you had good or bad experiences after you became FB friends with a person you were interested in dating ?

About the author

Lamar Tyler wrote 2229 articles on this blog.

Lamar Tyler is co-creator BlackandMarriedWithKids.com. He also is the co-producer of the films Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me, Men Ain't Boys and Still Standing.

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16 WordPress comments on “Singles POV: A Lady Never Facebooks on the First Date

  1. Dee

    Ok so let me get this right between yesterday and today’s theories. Facebook, has the potential to destroy marriages, and doesnt allow people to actually date so they get to the point that they marry. If men and women stop interacting socially with the intent of being mates, then there will be no more procreation. If there is no procreation then the mankind ceases to advance, and eventually will die off. So basically what it comes down to is Facebook is eventually going to be responsible for the utter destruction of the social fabric of our way of life, which will lead to the extinction of human life on earth. Therefore I conclude that FACEBOOK IS INDEED THE APOCOLYPSE!!!!

  2. Yo-Yo

    I agree technology has replaced good old fashion dating principles (i.e. calling on the phone, or leaving a voicemail )…but my biggest problem with the story is “The Chase” when mature men and women date there shouldn’t be a “Chase”. That ideology that women have to “act” mysterious so a man can feel he is chasing me with the ultimate goal of catching me is so primitive. It leads to relationships that are built on misrepresentation of one another. I agree Facebook is not the most effective form of communicating interest but nor is the “Old Game of Cat and Mouse”. Black men and women are missing each other because the games of dating has replaced genuine interest expressed through communication!

  3. Tyrone

    Facebook me?

    Come seriously, that was EXTREMELY corny. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy FB and it allows me to keep in touch with friends when I can’t get to via phone/email. BUT, if I’m interested in a person, I’m calling…SHEESH!

  4. Lamar

    Wow we’re getting pretty personal today eh? I can totally see how being totally aware of everything a person does throughout the day takes away from that newness and the mystery of when you meet someone new. One of the things that makes meeting someone new so special is getting to know them and if you see it all online then what?

    On a different but similar note I actually have a friend who was telling me and Ronnie the other day that her techie bf only likes to talk via chat and im everyday which is driving her to her limits so this isn’t that far fetched.

    Plus this wasn’t a thesis so lighten up.

  5. DAMARA

    Please….. Facebook has nothing to do with who a person is internally.If he were going to call or show interest he would have regardless of Facebook.The guy Im dating and I talk on the phone ,Facebook, text and messaging because there is a genuine interest there.

  6. TEE~LADY

    I AGREE WITH TYRONE…

    IF A MANS INTERESTED IN YOU, FACEBOOK SERVES AS A MEANS TO GET TO KNOW THAT PERSON BETTER BEFORE MEETING IN REAL~TIME. A PERSON SOCIAL CIRCLE, FAM & FRIENDS BETTER, THEIR IDEOLOGICAL VIEWS..PERTINENT INFORMATION CAN BE GATHERED FROM ONLINE~CHATTING.

    PRIVACY OF COURSE IS ALWAYS TOP PRIORITY, HOWEVER THERE ARE CRITERIAS FACEBOOK HAVE PUT IN PLACE TO OFFSET THE ‘PRYING~EYE(s)

    IF A PERSON IS ‘JUST NOT INTO YOU’…THEY WONT BE IN PERSON EITHER.
    ONLINE~BEFRIENDING IN MY OPINION ARE GREAT WAYS TO LEARN ABOUT SOMEONE BEFORE MOVING FORWARD…

    TEE~LADY IN HOUSTON

  7. Cam

    I just think facebook hastens and highlights negatives/insecurities because it allows for WAY more assumptions to be made than likely would have without the access.

  8. Ronnie

    Cherise – I did not have to deal with this when I was dating…Facebook adds another dynamic to the dating game. So instead taking your number and saying that they will call you the next day, the guy says Facebook Me.

    If a guy said that to me, I would say sure (but in my mind I would have no intention of actually doing it.) I never gave my home phone number out, but if I was actually interested in a person I probably gave him my cell phone or email and then I would let him call me. That may be old fashioned…or cat and mouse…or whatever you want to call it…but that is how I operated.

    Plus when you first meet a guy, you would not introduce that guy to all of your family/friends/kids and co-workers right away. So if you friend that person right away, they will have too much access to your personal life that perhaps you don’t want them to have yet (or ever.) If you use facebook as a networking tool and you will friend almost anybody..then perhaps it will ok to friend this man. But if you keep all sorts of personal information out their and you are selective about who you want seeing it, then perhaps you don’t want to be friending random dudes.

    Pluuuuussssssssss – if you and this guy are not in a committed relationship..then you should make sure that you are a secure person and not a jealous person that will be on his page analyzing every comment and picture that he has with other women…You will drive yourself crazy.

    So I would agree Cherise..there are many many reasons why Facebooking a potential date is not good. I think the old fashioned phone call or an acutal date would be best to start out with.

  9. spenseravery

    @Ronnie, very good points. Depending just what the heck is on your FB page. I might not need to call you at ALL. Careful what you post ladies/gentleman.

  10. Blove

    Facebook did not kill the chase. The guy knew before leaving club the chick would only be a friend. It was a nice gesture on his part to provide his facebook ID to her.

  11. Stephen Carson

    Easily said facebook brings a interesting dynamic to dating…just dont get catfished…And if he met you and didnt pursue his lost he didnt know what was in front of him. …

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Black Male-Female Relationships: Let's End The Civil War

BY: - 27 Oct '09 | Home

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by Dr. Shane Perrault,

Currently only 32% of our Black children are born into two parent families in America. In slavery and up through the 1960’s those numbers were in the low 80%s.

These numbers are scary, and suggest black men and women are in the midst of a Civil War.

And it’s gotta end.

First to my sisters, you undoubtedly have had some very hurtful experiences with black men. I feel your pain.

We have hurt you; and, unfortunately, you have hurt us, too.

As a black psychologist, I question how we can help turn our collective pain, as black men and black women, into something that works for the greater good of the community.

As a black man, I don’t believe black men hating black women, or vice-versa, is going to help end this Civil War, much less help us to thrive. With only 32% of our children being born into two family households, I don’t believe we have the luxury of sitting around trying to figure out who is to blame “” truth be told, we both are to blame.

To turn those numbers around, we have to start to talk with each other, learn from each others’ pain, and start to figure out how to move from our current lose/lose situation and start to create a win/win.

Black men, I think it’s our charge to start the process of forgiving and leading positive change. We really don’t have a choice”...don’t you agree that the 68% of children being born in one parent homes certainly deserve more attention?

My brothers, we are the best marketers in the world. Vitamin water, shoes, golf balls, music, even pants that fall off your butt “” we can sell elevator shoes to giants, and make it in-vogue to wear them.

Why not promote our Sistas (and marriage to them)? If not us, then who? Personally, rather than continuing to contribute to this lose/lose situation, I’m willing to swallow any pain I may have felt a black woman cause me for the greater good and say let’s do better by each other in the future.

We have a choice: either our pain, or winning.

I hope we decide to make winning more important than our Pain. I know that’s a hard thing to do, but the alternative is setting the next generation up to further this lose/lose trend.

So here we go: I forgive you my Sistas for your transgressions, and pray you can forgive us for ours. We share the same history; and, undoubtedly, the same future.

Let’s partner and make that future a brighter one for the next generation.

Dr. Shane Perrault,
Founder AfricanAmericanMarriageCounseling.com

About the author

Lamar Tyler wrote 2229 articles on this blog.

Lamar Tyler is co-creator BlackandMarriedWithKids.com. He also is the co-producer of the films Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me, Men Ain't Boys and Still Standing.

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