Beautiful Wedding, Now What about the Marriage?

BY: - 30 Jun '10 | Relationships

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by Tiya Cunningham-Sumter

Experiencing two weddings this month has not only brought a smile to my heart, it also served as a reminder that love is still very much in the air. Attending one of the weddings as a guest was wonderful, but being a coordinator for the other was more than a notion. After being married for almost 12 years, I had almost forgotten about the stressfulness that goes into planning and coordinating such an amazing event. There are so many details that are critical to having a successful wedding. We put tons of energy into making sure our guests not only enjoy the wedding, but are also impressed by it. The bride’s gown, bridesmaid’s dresses, flowers and wedding favors are all things the guests might be talking about afterward, so it is a must that they are on point. We normally get stressed by all of these details because our wedding is a reflection of us and we want it to be perfect. Well, our marriage is a reflection of us and if we use the same energy, time and attention to detail, our union will be just as successful as our wedding.

Those we choose to stand up for us in the wedding party, are usually the people that have been the most supportive in our lives.  In our marriage, if we’re having trouble in our home, first we work it out ourselves and if we must, only confide in those same few that have already been supportive.

As we google, research and ask event experts about ideas and tips on planning a wedding, when necessary, let’s ask those in healthy relationships and couple’s experts about some ideas they have on making a marriage work.

All of the guest that witnessed our exchanging of vows, the ones who made toasts and expressed how happy they were for us, should continue to love, encourage and remind us of our vows. If we ever stop trying, they should hold us accountable.

And the scriptures that were read during our ceremony, if used on a daily basis, can be a great reminder of the promises we made before GOD. Having a great wedding that people will be talking about is great, but having a healthy marriage that others admire is even better.

BMWK, are you still giving your marriage the same energy and attention you put into your wedding?

By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter, a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing, creator of The Black Wives’ Club and an Administrator of Still Dating My Spouse. Tiya resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.

About the author

Lamar Tyler wrote 2219 articles on this blog.

Lamar Tyler is co-creator BlackandMarriedWithKids.com. He also is the co-producer of the films Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me, Men Ain't Boys and Still Standing.

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9 WordPress comments on “Beautiful Wedding, Now What about the Marriage?

  1. TheMrs

    This is something that I have listened to my parents talk about most of my childhood and all of my adulthood. When I was an early teen I was in awe of the beautiful weddings dresses and the detail of the cakes, venues, etc. and had my own wedding in my mind (I had cut out pictures many years earlier planning my own) and my mother would remind me not to spend so much time dreaming about the perfect wedding that I need to dream about the perfect married life. As I aged, she would tell me about all the countless friends and families that had these super, over the top weddings who were no longer together…many lasting barely 5 yrs, while they had a simple wedding in my maternal grandparent's home surrounded by only a few close friends, family, and church members…they are going strong nearly 40 yrs later.
    In my own life now, I read the marriage vows regularly and evaluate myself on how well I am doing. I've always done good on evaluations and this is not something I am willing to fail at.

    1. Tiya

      The Mrs, I love that reading the marriage vows regulary. That way they are always fresh in your mind. Congrats to your parents on 40 years, that is awesome and inspiring.

  2. TER

    Love the article…you always write about such timely marriage topics. Kudos Tiya!

    Almost embarrassed to say…we didn't put that much energy in our wedding….so I can't say that we put more into the wedding than the marriage. We can definitely do more because I honestly don't think that we put enough energy into our marriage.

  3. values

    This is such a necessary reminder…particularly when planning the wedding. Prior to getting engaged I always thought I would have a simple wedding. Then, with both of us together the wedding grew to in invite list of 300+. As you can imagine, other stressors also compiled. We ultimately got away from the point and began to focus more on the party. As a result, we focused less on our relationship and when true challenges presented, we were not prepared to handle them.
    Ultimately, he and I decided not to marry. I see now that the decision was for the best. As a result of that experience I have re-centered myself on my values and am better able to discuss/evaluate values with my current partner.
    Thanks for the post…I hope your message comes back to me in planning the next wedding (which my current partner and I already agree will be simple! 🙂

    1. Tiya

      Thanks Values. We have to be prepared to handle all those challenges that may come our way, so it is very important that we have those discussions and plan for the success of our marriages.

  4. Anna

    After my husband and I went to “The Justice Of The Peace” to get married we got many invitations to attend numerous weddings within our few months of marriage(and we attended). It really does make you want to have a wedding of your own. My husband and I witnessed the most beautiful weddings. Doves, brides maids, grooms men, beautiful couples, great food and dee jays. Only one couples wedding that we went to survived. The rest are divorced, and most were over in the first yr. Some took longer but were not together waiting a divorce (court) date. My husband and I have attended a few weddings since our 13 yrs. of marriage, and why does marriage not last? Is it debt of having a over priced wedding, falling in love with the idea of marriage, blended family, bad kids, age?

  5. Tiya

    Anna, that is truly unfortunate that those marriages ended in divorce. We have to shift our focus, also it just seems to easy to end a marriage than it does to fight for it.

  6. MsKaos

    More!  I wanted to run off to the JoP to get married, so I had no real desire to plan or have an elaborate wedding day…throughout the planning I was looking forward to the day after the wedding when we could get on with the rest of our lives.  My friends affectionately called me “the anti-bride”.  LOL  Our  day turned out wonderfully thanks to hiring a planner to coordinate our destination wedding — someone to do the heavy lifting after choosing colors, attendants, date, and location.  I think this attitude helped me not take it all too seriously — the wedding planning process, that is.  Because  it was in another country, there were many things we had to compromise on that weren’t available as they would be in the US.  For me, the only requirements for my wedding day was my then fiance and an officiant!  Our day is still something many of our guests tell us was one of the best weddings they’ve ever attended; that was a bonus, not a requirement!  What my husband and I talked about incessantly throughout our year long engagement was planning our life together after the wedding day – where’d we’d like to make a home, how we were going to merge finances and 2 homes, when we wanted to have babies, etc etc etc.    In the 2.5 years since our wedding, every day hasn’t been filled with the same romance of our wedding day, but there’s no hired hand to help with the heavy lifting.  My husband & I do ALL the work on our marriage every single day to make sure it’s as successful as that day, actually more so — this is the rest of our lives we’re talking about here!  Unfortunately, some of the most elaborate, lavish weddings I’ve attended have ended in the nastiest, ugliest divorces which saddens me.  As Tiya said above, we must change our focus on that one day!  

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Question # 2 from the Ladies Top Ten List

BY: - 1 Jul '10 | Relationships

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Looking to hear from the voices of all who are dating and or looking to be in relationship. Ladies you in particular are being called out. Here’s the reason for the call out, over the last couple of months we have heard from our television, radio and other media personalities stating that the male and female perspective of what/who a good man is differs quite a bit. On our last radio blog we had a male caller call in and express to us that according to his opinion and research, per his statement “the complaint from most 20 to 30 year old educated successful women that they can not find a good man should be placed squarely at the feet of women”. He believes that all of the issues that women are facing regarding dating is their fault. So what do you think readers, is there fault to be handed out? As indicated over the last few months our male callers have informed us that ladies have a list by which they judge men. Ladies the males that we have spoken with inform us that you are unrealistic of what a good man is. So see below how we are addressing question number two on the ladies top 10 list.

Question 2: Do you equal my definition of what a good man is?

Alright men what is a good man? Now if I want to go deep I would say that there are no good men in the world because Jesus Christ the son of God states in Matthew 19:17 that there is only one who is good and that is God our father. But let me come back to us earthly beings, our definition of the word good maybe the issue. Maybe men and women have different definitions of the word good. Most men probably believe that they are good men and most men would probably be correct. If men assign good as being responsible, hard working, honest, trustworthy and fair. Loving their partner and family and doing all in their power that they believe is right when it comes to taking care of their families. Now from what we are finding out from today’s females the word drive would need to be added to the above definition in order to match the characteristics that they are looking to find in a good man.

What is drive and why is it or is it more important to women than men? We believe that drive is important to men just not in the same way that is to women. Fight and claw your way to the top stepping on all that are in your way just to prove yourself? Men question why do this and what do I gain from this? Is my life just a superficial world based on the obtaining of things?

Here’s your question ladies, is your need to have a driven man motivated by your need of security? So ladies if his name tag says mailroom clerk and not CEO, is he not a good guy? If he handles his bills and is able to save, does he not make the cut because he has in your eyes no drive? What if he does have drive but it is tied to his passion and his purpose but the dollars may be low in this area is he not a good guy?

True story, I have a cousin who worked part-time for UPS during his college years and upon graduating he was offered a great mid-entry level position with them. He was single but dating, with the belief, that he would marry the person he was dating. He loved making website and wanted to branch out on his own and do that as a business owner. Since then he is married with two kids and one on the way and today he finds himself making tee-shirts and loving it. His wife teaches school and loves and supports all that he desires to do. She told me that if he wants to move that she would pack up and go wherever he desires to go. She states with passion in her voice and without any hesitation she will advise that her man is not only a good man, he is a great man, great husband and an awesome father. I can say that I agree with her, from where I stand all I see is a young man of honor, distinction and integrity. He loves and supports his family. He has vision pertaining to the direction they are to go. He is an active father and supportive husband. He is educated and always there to help other families and couples with a balanced dose of understanding and accountability. He is most definitely a good man with drive and ambition he’s just not looking to be the next fortune 500 CEO unless it is his own. That may happen someday but today his purpose is tied to his family and helping others, not much money in that but he would say the benefits are well worth it.

So to all of you who base their definition of what/who a good man is by assigning the word drive as one of the characteristics of their definition, challenge yourself to stretch your understanding of what drive really is. Please don’t make it all about money, stuff and things. Make it about vision. When you drive you are looking to go somewhere. You must see in order to drive and the end result of your drive is to reach a destination so drive is all about vision. If a man has vision for himself when he is single he will in turn have vision for his wife and family when he is married. This is not only what makes a good man but a great man. The reason he is a great man is because his vision will cover the number one reason that women talk about drive””women equate drive as security.

Here is how we conclude that vision equals security, simply stated “without a vision my people perish”. So ladies think about changing your list of what makes a good man from drive to visionary.

Please understand that a man can have all the drive in the world for making money and this same man can be lazy, selfish and blind when it comes to relationships and family. Visionaries are creative, engaging, loving people that see hope and opportunity in any and all things that comes their way. So my request is that you replace the word drive with vision so that you can see the tomorrow you are longing for.

Ladies visionaries are out there, they may not look like you think they should since outward beauty is in the eye of the beholder but understand that when you realize that you are in communication with a man with vision, a true relationship can start. So take the time to learn how the single men around you think, dream, talk, envision the world, and what they see for their future. The true picture of who they are may turn out to be what you pictured a good man to say, think and be!

Thank you for reading”...”...

~ Marcus Whyte23 For Healthy Marriages

Marcus Whyte23, is a husband and father of 2, freelance writer, Certified Life and Relationship Coach from Akron, Ohio. He is the Founder of For Healthy Marriages,   whose purpose is to re-engage and educate couples on the benefits of a healthy marriage. Follow him on Facebook page or  Find out more about him at http://whyte23.blogspot.com/ or Twitter @whyte23.

About the author

Lamar Tyler wrote 2219 articles on this blog.

Lamar Tyler is co-creator BlackandMarriedWithKids.com. He also is the co-producer of the films Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me, Men Ain't Boys and Still Standing.

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