Why Alpha Women Need Alpha Men

BY: - 30 Mar '11 | Home

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by Gwen Jimmere

According to the former AlphaWomen.com:

An Alpha Woman is a decision-maker who is committed to her goals and dreams. She may be opinionated and unafraid to speak her mind, but she is considerate, open-minded, and respectful of others. She is always ready to learn and willing to take on any challenge. Most importantly, she is dedicated to growing as a person, as a valuable and contributive member of society.

AskMen.com says the following:

She’s on top of her game. She is obstinate, sometimes conceited and doesn’t always make it easy for you. She gives you a run for your money and makes you work overtime on her, so to speak. But all this only makes her more appealing to you. She is, in other words, the quintessential “alpha female.” The alpha female has an uncanny ability to make men desire her. The alpha female’s talents are special, and consequently, satisfying her might be a man’s biggest marital challenge yet.

Black celebrity Alpha Women include Beyonce Knowles, Oprah Winfrey, and Tyra Banks.

Alpha women are self-assured, self-reliant high achievers and are typically physically attractive. They don’t mess around. Often they are business owners and/or hold multiple degrees. This doesn’t mean they are uncompassionate ice queens a la Grace Jones   in Boomerang. Ironically, they are completely opposite. Alpha Women know how to balance it all with a Coke and a smile. Then again, she tends to be physically fit, so we may have to nix that Coke for a Dasani water.

When it comes to the selecting a lifelong mate, Alpha Women are highly selective. Potential mates must have the ability to hold intellectually stimulating conversations and, generally, be equally yolked with said woman. As my momma would say, “If you aren’t coming correct, don’t come at all.” Potential mates must present an intellectual challenge if they expect to hold an Alpha Woman’s interest for any length of time. She should not be able to eat him alive in a conversation about current events. These men also need to be equally self-assured and self-reliant.

Hence, why an Alpha Woman needs an Alpha Man.

Men who don’t possess a similar inner strength an Alpha Woman has will quickly get walked over and she will easily bore of him. He will lose her respect as a potential mate. If he’s a nice enough guy, he will be reduced to what is known as “the dreaded friend zone.” No potential suitor wants this. From what I’m told, this is the worst position to be in and usually lasts a lifetime. Once a guy is in the dreaded friend zone, it’s virtually impossible to get out. He will end up being replaced by someone who provides her with an intellectual and/or emotional challenge. Beyonce said it best in the December 2008 issue of Elle magazine:

Elle: How is your marriage to Jay Z?

Beyonce: It’s a power struggle. But if I didn’t respect someone and they didn’t have that strength,  then I would be bored. I wouldn’t be attracted to them.

Well said, B.

Alpha Men are often confused with pompous douchebags. By contrast, Alpha Men are amazing. They are “nice guys” (read: doting, accommodating, thoughtful, etc.) But you cannot run over them. They can and do hold their ground, and are firm, yet tactful, about what they want, much like their female counterparts.

Alpha Women tend to have no shortage of men vying for their attention, many of which will seem like “the one” because they are so nice, so sweet, and will do any and everything under the sun for their woman. They also let their women do whatever they want, no questions asked. Enter the Beta Man.

Some say Beta Men are good for Alpha Women, because they balance each other out. However, typical Beta Men are rarely compatible with Alpha Women, one reason being that they are much less assertive than Alpha Men. Alpha Women require a balance of aggressive and passive qualities. Beta Men tend to be passive 95% of the time. In addition, they are a bit “too” accommodating, highly apologetic even for things out of their control, and less driven than Alpha Men. They can be self-depreciating at times and over-complimentary of their women to a fault. This irritates the Alpha Woman. If ever you hear of a man being “too nice,” he’s probably a Beta Man. He does everything right, but he just can’t hold her attention, no matter what he does. Again, an Alpha Woman requires a challenge. Beta Men give often “too” much of their time, money, and emotions. They are easily walked over and typically end up placed in the aforementioned “dreaded friend zone.”

Often, Alpha Women will hear from friends, “you don’t like nice guys.” This couldn’t be further from the truth. Alpha Women, like most women, love nice guys. In fact, an Alpha Woman will not waste time with a disrespectful or mean-spirited man. But as my friend and fellow author Charles Orlando would say, “Women do like nice guys, they don’t like doormats.”

BMWK ladies – are you an Alpha Woman? Does the above description sound like you?

Gwen Jimmere is an award-winning and nationally syndicated editor who authored the relationship manual for young women,  If It Walks Like a Duck”...and Other Truths My Mother Taught Me. She blogs about relationships, dating, marriage and parenting at  The Duck Walkand works in social media/digital marketing.

About the author

Gwen Jimmere wrote 15 articles on this blog.


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Increase Intimacy By Practicing Forgiveness

BY: - 30 Mar '11 | Home

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I was involved in a conversation with a buddy of mine the other day that took me back to a real serious situation early on in my relationship with my wife.

My friend and I are in one of those slightly awkward spots, where two mutual friends that have been dating, have just broken up. So my friend was explaining why he saw one person’s actions as justifiable. I just listened. But somewhere along the line of hearing what went down, I zoned out and began thinking about how many times my wife and I have had to forgive each other for both the serious and the trivial. Without the ability to forgive our marriage would have ended long ago.

Forgiveness and Intimacy

Early on while dating I did something that really hurt my wife. Let’s just say I did not tell her all the details of my past until well into our third year of dating. I am extremely transparent in saying that I was born to be a Pastor but I was not born a Pastor. When details of my past met with reality of my present, my wife had to reach deep down in her heart and forgive me. It was a rough stretch and for a while it threw our plans of marriage into question. But as I reflect on that time period during our dating years, I can see that by removing the anger and hurt, it ultimately galvanized our friendship, love and marriage.

The ability to forgive then and continually forgive each other throughout has become a powerful tool that has become one of the gateways to intimacy. Once my wife’s heart became receptive to forgiving me, it seems like a pathway was cleared for us to really “connect.” I liken it to a battery on a car. Sometimes in an old battery corrosive acid forms on the posts of the battery, and the acid stops the necessary components from being able to contact properly. Thus no juice – you have no power to get started. But when that corrosive acid is removed the proper connections are being made and the battery can work.

Forgiveness gives a couple the power to clean up the points where their actions have brought corrosive acid into the relationship. The inability to forgive corrodes what once was a vital relationship of intimacy on all fronts. By intimacy I am talking about sex and then so much more. Intimacy is any and every point of close connection that a husband and wife enjoy. An intimate relationship is a work of cultivation throughout the day – every day. Just showing up in the bedroom at night often does not bring about the depth of intimacy we crave. Real intimacy takes place any and everywhere. Whether in a crowded room, alone on the couch, or doing yard work, intimacy is God’s gift of closeness to togetherness that when properly exchanged brings re-gifting possibilities in the bedroom!

Now The Hard Part: Practicing Forgiveness

As life would have it, as much as my wife has had to forgive me I have had a fair share of times when I had to forgive her too. There are two things that have helped me try to maintain a forgiving heart toward my wife:

  1. The Brevity of Life. In some capacity or another I attend or participate in an average about 55 funerals a year. Yes, more than one a week. It is an experience that has helped me to look at life from a lot of perspectives. From infants to elderly, from vibrant and healthy to long time illness – life is short. Too short for bitterness and corrosive acid to deaden our own joy and well being. If life is short, how much shorter will your marriage be? 50 years, 60 years? Not long enough to spend it consumed with smoldering anger, building into despise and hatred. I forgive you.
  2. Not qualified to be forgiven. I imagine we all experience times when we wrestle with whether our offending spouse even deserves forgiveness. It is at these times that I have to think about the things I have done that I probably did not deserve to be forgiven for.  Because when we faced the same thing, my wife forgave me for the same thing that broke up another relationship. And that keeps me grounded in understanding the need to forgive even when forgiveness is not easy to come by.

Furthermore, and exponentially more important is my faith walk. When I am reminded of how God (Jesus) forgave and forgives my sins, I just can not find very many reasons not to forgive my wife. There are times when it does not add up and I am probably justified to hold my grudge. There are times when she is wrong and I am right, but it is not the time to claim victory. Rather this is when God reminds me of all of the car accidents, shoot outs, failures, near misses, lies told, and acts of deceit that God has sustained and forgiven me from and it helps me to look at my wife and forgive.

There is an old sermon illustration that was pretty popular in the 90’s. In brief it goes like this, “A closed fist can not receive a gift.” Open up your fist, and receive the gift of intimacy back in your relationship – Enjoy!

How are you practicing intimacy in your marriage? What makes forgiving your spouse so hard?

About the author

Edward Lee wrote 69 articles on this blog.

Edward is a husband, father, founder of Elevate Your Marriage Marriage Coaching, author of three books: "Elevate Your Marriage", "Husbands, Wives, God" and "Husbands, Wives, God Weekly Devotions." He is also the Pastor of LongView Bible Church in Owings Mills, Md. Visit Edward's blog at: elevateyourmarriage.com


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