I can’t tell you how many times women in my family and circle of friends have given me this advice: “Girl, you know you have the ultimate power,” they would warn. “Don’t let him get the upper hand!”
The “ultimate power” is that men need sex and without my consent, it doesn’t go down. Their logic: If your man is acting up – not fulfilling his end of the bargain – then you have to make sure he’s not getting what he needs from the relationship – at least in the bedroom.
Sorry if this is TMI, but I didn’t get married so I could be doling out sex like special treats for a puppy. I got married because I loved my husband and I wanted to spend the rest of my life as his wife.
In my own personal definition of a “wife,” I don’t see any line in there about tit-for-tat, or you-do-me-wrong-and-I’ll-make-sure-you-know-it. Here’s three reasons why “withholding sex” doesn’t work in the Jefferson household (and I suspect why it doesn’t work in yours):
1) Sex is supposed to be about intimacy – two bodies coming together to explore and cherish each other in the way only a husband and wife can. It’s a physical, spiritual, emotional experience – it shouldn’t hinge on whether or not my husband took out the trash the second I asked him to. Yes, I know for women that “sex starts in the kitchen,” meaning the events of the day do have an impact on whether women will feel in the mood once the sun sets. But withholding sex is more about punishment than it is about your own personal desires. You say you’re trying to teach him a lesson – are you his mama or his wife?
2) If I’m scheming to get the “upper hand” – where does that leave my husband? I prefer when we approach our marriage as partners, not members of an opposing team. If I’m spending my energy trying to keep him in check by withholding sex, that means I’m not spending energy trying to figure out why a certain area of our relationship needs work and what I can do to fix it.
3) Um, let’s not forget that sex is not just something that I “give” to my husband. I’m a grown woman with my own desires. I’m supposed to suffer just to teach him a lesson? LOL.
I’ve let that advice go in one ear and out the other numerous times, but I wonder why women continue to give it. I also notice I never hear the guys talking that mess. Ladies, does it ever really work? Fellas, can you tell when your lady is withholding sex from you? How does it make you feel?
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