Don’t Get Lazy With Marriage

BY: - 5 Sep '11 | Relationships

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As I may have mentioned before, I assist adults who are looking to transition back into the workforce. Often in that role I find myself offering the same piece of advice in regards to the participant’s job search: “Don’t get lazy with it.”

They immediately connect to what I mean and recognize the amount of time, energy and effort needed in order to yield effective results. By creating tailored cover letters and thank you letters and following up, they increase their chances of being called in for an interview.

When I made those statements to a new group of job seekers last week, I immediately considered how useful this could be for couples as well. The “it” in “don’t get lazy with it” could easily translate into many areas of our lives, but especially in our marriages.

It is extremely easy to become complacent in a relationship, especially when the other spouse or partner won’t call us out on it or happens to mirror our laziness with a little bit of their own. Doing the same routine day in and day out allows us to easily get stuck in a rut. With this type of thinking we can easily forget to show additional affection, create time for date nights and intimacy, and just be mindful of the overall care of our spouse. When a marriage gets caught in that place of monotony it represents the lack of effort given by spouses. Normally, the areas most commonly affected by laziness in a marriage are:

  • The daily loving of our spouse: Believe me I relate to how drained a person is after a long day of work. The last thing you desire to do is give any more of yourself. However, if we were to put ourselves in our spouse’s shoes, more than likely they’ve had that same kind of day. Thinking about what makes us feel better would probably make the spouse feel better too. A warm hug and kiss when they return home or words of affirmation even before they start their day goes a long way. Being that shoulder to lean on and a listening ear is sometimes all that’s needed.
  • The intimacy with our spouse: The sex is always the first to go when we’re angry and especially when we are fatigued. Occasionally we are too exhausted to even prepare for the intimacy like dressing up in our sexy best or making ourselves desirable. And just because we are okay with allowing weeks to go by without making love to our spouse (because we are too tired) doesn’t make it healthy for a marriage. I never justify infidelity, but it is understandable how those thoughts can easily creep into the mind of a spouse who is being neglected. We often hear that marriage is about sacrifice and compromise. I challenge all to sacrifice in this area by connecting with our spouses and getting intimate more often; even when we may not be in the mood. The good news is we can always rest right after, being that it makes for a better night’s sleep anyway.
  • The communication with our spouse: I have found in my years of coaching couples that they normally feel it’s easier to complain about a situation than to improve it. It takes energy to create a solution and because a lot of couples are getting too lazy and relaxing too much in their marriage, they allow the relationship to deteriorate. They may say that isn’t what they want, but their actions speak otherwise. A marriage can be saved when both people are willing to put in the work. Communication must work both ways. A small part is asking for what we want but the larger part is listening to the needs of our spouse.

Showing up and showing out in our marriage is our responsibility. The results we receive from everything we do in life will always be based on how much we are willing to contribute to its success. That includes marriage. Our relationships are a direct reflection of the amount of sacrifice, commitment and compromise we are willing to give. Let’s bless our marriage and our spouse by putting in the work and vowing no more laziness in marriage.

About the author

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter wrote 632 articles on this blog.

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, founder of Life Editing and Author of A Conversation Piece: 32 Bold Relationship Lessons for Discussing Marriage, Sex and Conflict Available on Amazon . She helps couples and individuals rewrite their life to reflect their dreams. Tiya has been featured in Essence and Ebony Magazines, and named one of the top blogs to read now by Refinery29. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two daughters. To find out more about Tiya, and her coaching, visit www.thelifeandlovecoach.com and www.theboldersister.com.

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8 WordPress comments on “Don’t Get Lazy With Marriage

  1. grateful365

    So true and it can happen by accident, like you don’t mean to get lazy but the day in day out of the routine causes it to happen sometimes.   There are times when I told my husband I feel disconnected and it was surely due to the routine so we vowed to do something special and different every month.   Last month we went Kayaking!!!! It was a challenge but the most fun, we got rock climbing, camping and salsa all on the schedule.   Keep love alive yall be blessed.

  2. Jaye B.

    Once again, you hit so many key points. All the reasons you listed play a very big part in a marriage “GETTING LAZY” The same old everyday rut, and you look up and there is this disconnect, where it’s a chore to display affection, the intimacy is non exsistent and the communication becomes talking at one another instead of talking to each other. These are things that can tear at the very fabric of what was once a happy and healthy marriage. These reasons turn your marriage into what is essentially a second job, and with the things you mentioned as far as the daily loving of your spouse I believe is the beginnings of what can keep at least a flicker of the fire lit in a marriage. I truly believe that “DAILY LOVE OF YOUR SPOUSE ” goes a long way which will in essences keep the INTIMACY and COMMUNICATION open. Thank you one again for a great read and the good advice.

  3. Jaye B.

    Once again, you hit so many key points. All the reasons you listed play a very big part in a marriage “GETTING LAZY” The same old everyday rut, and you look up and there is this disconnect, where it’s a chore to display affection, the intimacy is non exsistent and the communication becomes talking at one another instead of talking to each other. These are things that can tear at the very fabric of what was once a happy and healthy marriage. These reasons turn your marriage into what is essentially a second job, and with the things you mentioned as far as the daily loving of your spouse I believe is the beginnings of what can keep at least a flicker of the fire lit in a marriage. I truly believe that “DAILY LOVE OF YOUR SPOUSE ” goes a long way which will in essences keep the INTIMACY and COMMUNICATION open. Thank you one again for a great read and the good advice.

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VIDEO: We Make Love Look Good (Black Love Ain’t Dead)

BY: - 5 Sep '11 | Marriage

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Despite what books, movies and the media may tell you love, marriage and understanding between African American couples is alive and well. These are the images that you won’t see on your 6 o’clock news. Since creating BlackandMarriedWithKids.com in December of 2007 to prove that successful black relationships do exist we’ve met some of the greatest and most inspiring couples in the world. In this video we’ve gathered some clips from our catalog to prove that regardless of what they tell you Black Love Ain’t Dead!

Enjoy and let us know what you think in the comment section.

About the author

Lamar Tyler wrote 2229 articles on this blog.

Lamar Tyler is co-creator BlackandMarriedWithKids.com. He also is the co-producer of the films Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me, Men Ain't Boys and Still Standing.

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