A Woman Among The Titles

BY: - 13 Feb '12 | Relationships

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by Caneeka Elleanor Miller

I find comfort in knowing that I am not alone.
I have taken a poll and the results are in”...
There are times when I feel lonely.
Before you get up in arms about that statement, continue reading.

It’s a feeling from the result of being away from my family and friends.

I look at my son and I want him to be as involved with family as I was growing up and in turn I look at myself not wanting to get so lost in the process of motherhood that I lose my sense of self, neglecting my need to be involved and interact with my friends.
His world is so pristine.
So perfect.
And in him I find a renewed sense of excitement to continue to grow on this journey.

However, in my being translucent and sharing this feeling I received a lot of questions about “Where’s my husband.”

And this is where my piece begins”...

I think many people have a distorted perception of what marriage entails.
Being married doesn’t mean you won’t ever feel lonely.
Being married doesn’t mean you won’t ever feel moments of emptiness.
Having someone as your life partner only satisfies their role as your spouse meaning they can’t fill the shoes of your sister, brother, mother, father, aunt, uncle, cousin, best friends, etc.
Some people have it all confused and that thought process will only create a place for disappointment.

I feel that in a marriage we can place extreme expectations on our spouse. We’ve taken a sacred oath and made a vow to be one, however that oneness references the spiritual.
You are still two individuals working to blend your differences, your quirks, your pet peeves etcetera in the best way you possibly can, in order to have a successful and flourishing marriage.
Because you are still two individuals you still have individual feelings about different things.
Your perception will be different.
Your desires will be different.
And your emotions on certain topics will be different.
*Anyone that is married who feels, thinks and likes the same things, share the same opinions and want the same things please share your story.

I have moments where I feel isolated in a place that was once a place of comfort.
A stranger to people who were once so welcoming.
And a rebel to everyone else in between.

Thankful to God for being everything I need.
Even in my moments of insecurity, loneliness, and confusion He still strengthens me BE all that I can BE.

A superwoman by day.
A reflecting poet by night.
A woman with real feelings 24/7.
I just so happen to be a wife and mother.

That’s honesty.

And if I can’t be honest with myself or those close to me then I am doing my mission an injustice.

Caneeka Elleanor Miller is the author of Smeared Eyeliner and Faded Lipstick poetry collection, activist in helping children who witness Domestic Violence, mother and wife. She blogs transparently about marriage, motherhood, spirituality, and relationships at The face behind the makeup.

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BMWK Staff wrote 1227 articles on this blog.

Content and articles from the staff and guest contributors of BlackandMarriedWithKids.com

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7 WordPress comments on “A Woman Among The Titles

  1. eloquentdestiny

    .  girl you’d better speak the truth.   I’ve been married for 22 years and my husband’s career moved us several times… always away from MY people.   Even after all this time I literally ache sometimes because I miss my mother, my 5 uncles, my brother, my sister… my sweet niece and my 3 nephews.   I know that feeling of lonliness you describe.

  2. jadellsmom

    Oh my goodness, It had to be God’s will that I ran across this. I am currently feeling this way right now. I am a mom of a disabled child, and although I am married, I feel like I am in this by myself. I am physically and emotionally drained. I feel that my husband and I are on two ships passing through the night and for some reason, as time goes on, It seems to be ok for me that we have lost our connection. I too ask that you pray with me and for me that I can find my way through this situation.

  3. Nez

    I totally understand you on this one.   I am a mother of two older daughters,   a caregivier who is taking care of a 91 year old parent, I am a new wife (second marriage) for almost two years. And, on top of all that, I work a full time job.   Sometimes I feel that no one   understands my weariness, or that I just need love too. My husband is not as affectionate as i would like, so I feel sometimes that he just doesn’t get it.   All I need is warm arms to hold me at times and to say – it’s going to be alright.

    What keeps me together in my lonely state is God.   He surrounds me with His love and I keep going.   Woman have so many responsibilities and titles and we can lose ourselves – it’s so hard.   I also try to center myself and think about what makes me happy – I get to that place as fast as I can.     I had one anxiety attack and will NEVEr have another one…it was the worst.

    I’m trying to hold on….

  4. see.stykes.write

    You are all in my prayers!

    It’s a misconception never spoken about which leaves many women feeling empty, resentful, lost, confused, and ultimately overwhelmed. God is amazing in his grace, His love, His peace, and His strength!
    Heads up!
    Hearts easy!
    Mind at rest!
    God hears your cry!

    Psalm 92: 13-15

    Like trees planted in the Temple of the Lord, they WILL GROW STRONG in the courtyards of our God.
    When they are old, they WILL STILL PRODUCE fruit; they WILL BE HEALTHY and fresh.
    They WILL SAY that the LORD  IS GOOD. He is my ROCK, and there is NO WRONG in Him.

    🙂

    Thank you for your testimonies and replies!

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Three Simple Dates For You And Your Mate

BY: - 13 Feb '12 | Marriage

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by Aisha Stith

I get it”the day is short and the nights seem shorter. When you are a parent and married it’s like time is uber restricted. So I came up with three easy ways to spend time together: the IN-HOUSE date, EARLY AM chat and MIDDAY DASH date. My days are filled with pre-k drop off and pick up, work, making sure that I get a good hour of exercise at least five days a week, countless hobbies, social engagements, Sunday church, Wednesday Bible study, and of course fraternizing with my friends and family whenever possible. For a while the term “Date Night” was completely foreign to me. But then I stopped and thought, I somehow squeeze all of these things into my day, and I need to do the same for my husband and my marriage. So I came up with the:

1. In-House Date Night (even if the kids are home). The purpose here is to make an effort. While you can be comfortable in your home with wearing sweats and your hair curlers, take the time to throw on something sexy, go and rent a DVD, grab a glass of something good to drink and tune out everything. Don’t answer the phone, don’t entertain your kids, maybe you don’t even need to talk, just relax, watch a movie, sip your drink of choice and act like you did when you were courting one another. Now repeat once weekly.

2. Early AM Chat.  I know we love to sleep and especially sleep in, but once a week, set your alarm early before your kids rise and enjoy each other’s conversation. Don’t let any stressful aspects of your life creep into this AM chat. Keep it fun and light hearted. Revisit your goals for the week, complement one another, get up and have a bowl of cereal together without your kid’s interference. I bet you won’t even notice that you have missed out on a little sleep. The benefits of an early morning chat can lead to great rewards. You will be pumped and ready to face the day and most importantly excited to get back home at the end of the day!

3. Midday Dash Date. During those weeks when there is simply not enough time in the morning and your exhaustion level is insanely high at the end of the day, try a Midday Dash Date. Meet your spouse somewhere that you wouldn’t go at noon. I suggest an art gallery, a museum, somewhere tranquil, calming, where you can only have light conversations. A restaurant can be noisy and you may end up talking about work, stresses of kids, and beyond, but in a quiet artsy setting you can really only smile, nod, gush, and rekindle.
I certainly hope that these tidbits can help us as we make history and love together while being Black and Married With Kids!

Aisha Stith is equal part romance coach, politico, and chef. She is a happy wife and a proud  mommy. You can find her on twitter @AishaStith!


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BMWK Staff wrote 1227 articles on this blog.

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