“A Closed Mouth Does Not Get Fed”

BY: - 26 Mar '12 | Marriage

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Have you ever intentionally kept quiet or beaten around the bush instead of coming right out and saying what’s on your mind? In certain circles you lose opportunities when you don’t verbalize certain ideas, thoughts and feelings. We may miss sharing an innovative concept at work that could have potentially resulted in a promotion. Or we may even fail to speak up on how unpleasant someone has made us feel only to risk having it repeated.

In each of these situations when we choose to hold back and not honor our selves we pass up the chance to foster our happiness. The same holds true for other relationships, especially the one with a spouse.

Often times when we hold back, the idea is usually to spare feelings and reduce conflict, but in the end it normally comes up and out anyway. Occasionally it’s even worse when it all builds up and a person completely unleashes. Discussions can typically take a turn for the worse when we wait to address an issue we have allowed to fester.

Our desire to hold back usually show up in areas such as intimacy and daily household responsibilities. Many individuals are hoping their current situations will change without them ever mentioning these concerns to their spouse.

If a couple struggles with intimacy, what better way to correct the situation than by both partners discussing how they would prefer to be satisfied? Being honest about what turns you off as well as on increases the chances of getting your needs met. Keeping quiet and settling for what you have now guarantees nothing will change. We know our bodies better than anyone else, so show and tell your partner what generates your pleasure. Your spouse will appreciate your honesty and jump at the chance of truly pleasing you with that new information.

Co-managing a household also comes with its set of obstacles. If one partner is slacking with keeping up with his/her portion of the chores and the other allows them to get away with it, resentment will kick in. Instead of remaining silent or leaving little hints, the best approach is to simply speak up. While we are all adults one spouse may not see their lack of contribution as a problem if the other spouse never says a word. I am not suggesting that a person nags, but initiates a healthy conversation. Without being disrespectful tell your partner all that needs to be done, the piece you’re willing to do and what would be most helpful for them to do. Deciding how responsibilities will be divided should ultimately be determined by both partners.

I am sure most of us are familiar with the popular saying “a closed mouth does not get fed.” Keep that in mind when we are looking for our needs to get met. Our spouses aren’t mind readers, so it is a must that we ask for what we want. Remember, asking with a love, kindness and gentleness will always deliver the best result.

About the author

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter wrote 635 articles on this blog.

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, founder of Life Editing and Author of A Conversation Piece: 32 Bold Relationship Lessons for Discussing Marriage, Sex and Conflict Available on Amazon . She helps couples and individuals rewrite their life to reflect their dreams. Tiya has been featured in Essence and Ebony Magazines, and named one of the top blogs to read now by Refinery29. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two daughters. To find out more about Tiya, and her coaching, visit www.thelifeandlovecoach.com and www.theboldersister.com.

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7 WordPress comments on ““A Closed Mouth Does Not Get Fed”

  1. Kjander11

    These are very helpful ideas but what does one do when the other spouse refuses to communicate completely?   I am tired of the childish behavior from someone who insist they are a “an adult”…

    1. Tiya

      I feel the frustration in your comment and I understand. Has your spouse come right out and said they refuse to communicate completely? Does your spouse have a clear understanding if what complete communication means to you and are they 100% clear why it’s so important to you. Unfortunately we don’t always arrive at the same level in marriage at the same time. Some of us need a little more time.

      1. Kjander11

        Yes, he knows communication is very important to me and I now see him intentionaly doing this to make me upset.   It’s going on three months and the last time I tried to communicate with him he didn’t say a word…literally bit his lip to keep from saying one word.  

  2. Kjander11

    His way of communicating  with me is very selective;  however,  when it comes to his friends he’s very talkative, supportive and willing to do whatever for them.  

    1. Kenny Boyette

      From a male perspective, maybe you’re communicating TOO much.  A guy doesn’t want to talk about everything all of the time.  Usually when “we” need to talk, its about what he is doing wrong and how he is not making you feel.  This convo usually falls into the nagging category.  My advice is to just DO YOU and act like it doesn’t bother you.  TRUST he will initiate a convo with you to find out why you aren’t talking to him and what’s the problem.  Let him see you doing your thang on a daily basis and that he can choose to either be a part of your daily happiness or not, but it doesn’t stop the show.  You would LIKE for him to be a part of your daily happiness, but that’s his choice; you can’t FORCE him.

  3. Pingback: A Tale Of Two Parents | Tilden Talks

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Before The Engagement: 7 Things Single People Should Know About Marriage

BY: - 27 Mar '12 | Marriage

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by Nicole Taylor

So you want to get married? Are you completely sure about that? Have you prepared yourself for what marriage entails?

If you have a subscription to a bridal magazine, know which ring you want and have already appointed your best friend the duty of being your maid of honor, check out these seven points on marriage. If you’ve got your best man picked out or you’re thinking of where you’ll take your bride to be for a honeymoon, read this post first. If when you reach the last point you’re still ready, I’ll bid you my blessings and await my invitation in the mail.

Here’s what you should know”...

Marriage Doesn’t Create Happiness: You must be happy on your own before you can expect your mate to bring added joy. Looking for a mate to fill a void and heal past wounds is an unrealistic expectation.

Marriage Doesn’t Complete You: You must be whole within yourself to ever feel complete. Your spouse will compliment you as an individual but they will NEVER make you whole.

The Honeymoon Phase Isn’t 12 Months: The first year of marriage can be difficult because it’s basically spent unlearning those things you’ve been doing as a single person and now learning how operate as a team. I call this the “desensitizing stage.”

The Beauty Takes Work: And a lot of it! But nothing worth having comes easy. Marriage don’t last and remain filled with love simply because you said “I Do”. It requires a work ethic and dedication that’s devoted to growing deeper in love each day.

It’s More Than An Image: Many people get married for the “look” or the bragging rights to claim a “husband/wife,” but marriage is more than a title. It’s a lifestyle that requires you to live by vows.

Falling In Love Is The Easy Part: It’s the growing and staying in love that requires the dedication. Knowing the difference between pure infatuation and authentic love will help because no matter what you go through, if the love is real, you’ll always be able to hold on and continue moving forward.

Marriage Isn’t 50/50: There will be times when you will feel as though you’re doing “more” than your spouse; working on the marriage more, cooking more, cleaning more, caring more, loving more. If you expect every chore, penny, argument, apology, decision, task, etc. to be split down the middle, you’ll soon realize that your expectations are not marriage specific.

Yes, marriage is a major step in life that requires a lot from you, but the benefits of this union are remarkable! I believe that finding your soul’s mate and spending eternity together is one of the greatest blessings life can give us, but correctly preparing yourself for his arrival is vital to its longevity.

What do you think? Are you truly ready for marriage? Had you considered these things? If you’re married, what else should single people know before an engagement?

Nicole is the creator of Afrochcimommy.com, a community that empowers, inspires and motivates the modern woman. Once a working single parent in college and now an entrepreneurial mommywife, she understands the mandatory need for encouragement along life’s journey.

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BMWK Staff wrote 1259 articles on this blog.

Content and articles from the staff and guest contributors of BlackandMarriedWithKids.com

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