Should You Have to Compete for Your Spouse's Attention?

BY: - 23 Jul '12 | Marriage

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I am sure many of you have been involved in those conversations, where it’s just you and either a group of your guys or your girls, engaged in real talk on relationships. Those topics always bring about plenty of debate, advice and tips on how to maintain your partnership and keep your mate interested. A few of those pieces of counsel usually focus on maintaining one’s appearance and keeping the bedroom hot and exciting. There is always one in the group who quickly reminds all the other women that if we don’t step it up there will be another woman waiting in the wings to do those things we don’t. This comment never sits well with me because it almost sounds as though we are competing for our own spouse’s attention.

Now I am open to new ideas and looking good for my husband, but not for the reasoning above. I put forth this effort in my marriage because it benefits both of us. I cannot exist in my marriage with a fear some other woman will come along and capture my husband’s attention. If that ever becomes my reality then I have a serious problem in my relationship.

We should never feel like a contestant in our marriage. Of course we should continue to carry out our commitments with a joy and willingness. Especially those things we did that originally attracted our partner to us. All relationships do eventually evolve and experience growth. Couples must be willing to grow with the relationship. However, if another person comes along and entices our spouse, we must question the initial strength of that union.

I often wonder how a marriage arrives at a place where we worry about losing the person we’ve trusted, given so much to and provided for. It just blows my mind to think that a marriage could possibly be that vulnerable that it leaves the other spouse worried about losing their mate.

I am not going to compete with another woman, but there are certain things I will continue to bring into my marriage. I not only want to please my husband, I want to be happy too.

I will maintain a home filled with love and peace. I have been able to create this environment because I am serious about the absence of drama in my life and in my marriage. Neither of us sweats the small stuff and we both have been really great about communicating and promptly apologizing whenever we’ve unintentionally hurt one another.

I am also willing to sacrifice, the same way my husband does for me. We are both open to taking part in the other’s interest and giving more than we receive. We believe heavily in supporting one another. Even when it’s something we don’t really want to do. We are committed and have adopted the concept that it isn’t all about us.

My plan is to put my all into my marriage and family; again, not because I am worried about another woman, but because it is what my family and I deserve.

BMWK, what are your thoughts on the idea of competing for your spouse’s attention?

About the author

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter wrote 635 articles on this blog.

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, founder of Life Editing and Author of A Conversation Piece: 32 Bold Relationship Lessons for Discussing Marriage, Sex and Conflict Available on Amazon . She helps couples and individuals rewrite their life to reflect their dreams. Tiya has been featured in Essence and Ebony Magazines, and named one of the top blogs to read now by Refinery29. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two daughters. To find out more about Tiya, and her coaching, visit and


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11 WordPress comments on “Should You Have to Compete for Your Spouse's Attention?

  1. Kerwin

    an excellent article and and a excellent read. I find myself sometimes not giving my all to my wife when I am expecting her to give it her all. Thinking I am competing with and the time she spend with her computer.

    1. Tiya

      Thanks Kerwin. It’s easy to do, not giving our full attention to our spouses. Sometimes we just get comfortable or even take them for granted. We should all make it a point to be more attentive.

  2. jbledsoejr

    I think we should compete…against ourselves. Not necessarily another man/woman. Meaning, we should continue to try to better ourselves in pleasing, attracting, and loving our spouse. Do something that wows him/her for their bday, then next year try to top yourself…not because you are fearful of someone taking him/her, but because you want to keep improving and bettering your marriage.

  3. yamine

    dI believe they should compete. The rise of feminist movement caused mass chaos in households, divorce, families toen apart. When women actually reepected men, families stayed together and were strong…But i think it was planned as a part of the depopulation agenda of the elitist all over the world where they want world populaiinn reduction of 95 percent. So, about 95 percent of us have to they have went about poisoning our food and water supply as well..which could explain the rise of infertility happening all across the globe. It is a war against humanity to aplit the family apart, encourage homosexuality, etc etc..the list goes starting to think alex jones may be right in the video on youtube under “proof the goveenment is poisoning us” and “food as a weapon”

  4. Deborah

    I so agree.

    I am in the middle of divorcing a man who felt the need to warn me of that consideration, and then he was surprised that telling me that did not make me jump to his feet to worship the ground he walked on.

    Yes there were other women willing and waiting, but it was not because I was a bad wife, but because he had poor character.

  5. Dasugo

    You compete in marriage. you always do. However, as a wife you have a huge advantage. The husband wants you to win all the time. he will give you a huge headstart compared to other women.

    When a wife feels like she is competing with other women, she has to think and see where she lost her advantage.

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7 Things I Want in My Marriage That My Parents Have After 48 Years

BY: - 24 Jul '12 | Marriage

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Last week I shared something on my Facebook page that amazed and inspired me. Something I hope all married couples get to experience.  What is this that has me so amazed and inspired?  My parents’ 48th wedding anniversary!  Their marriage has accomplished what we all desire in marriage, by beating the odds and statistics of failed marriages.

It was a blessing to grow up under a marriage that would eventually last 48+ years.  As I thought about it, and was encouraged to share, I began to see some of the things that will help encourage me in my marriage, as well as other couples.

Just like my marriage and yours, my parents’ marriage was not  without trials.  Over the years they experienced many challenges (besides raising kids like me that didn’t always listen, or do what they were supposed to do).  Through it all, there are many things in their marriage to be desired, and many things that younger couples can work toward.

Every one of our marriages has it’s challenges.  Just as well, every one of our marriages can stand the test of time, and be enjoyable, fruitful, and worth everything!  I encourage you to sit down with your spouse and go over this list.  Work on getting these 7 things in your marriage today, so when 48 years comes around you will have something great, that is beneficial to all those who have witnessed it.

Are there any marriages that have inspired you, and your marriage?  If so, how have they done so?

This inspired my list of 7 Things I Want in My Marriage That My Parents Had.

1. Stability

Picture 1 of 7

My parents live in the same house today, that I grew up in. We moved into that house when I was 6 years old. To my knowledge there was never any threat of us not living in that house together. As a teenager, when I stayed out past my curfew, I knew I could and would go home to my family in that house. When my siblings and I came home on break from college, we all knew where we'd stay. Even today when my wife, and our 3 kids go to our hometown we never get a hotel room, because we know there is a place for us. That stability creates a great foundation.

About the author

Jackie Bledsoe, Jr. wrote 62 articles on this blog.

Jackie is an author, blogger, and speaker who helps men better love their wives and lead their families. He is the creator of The 7 Rings of Marriage™. You can receive his latest BMWK posts in your inbox, plus his latest marriage and parenting posts from around the web by subscribing to his weekly newsletter!


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