So You Want Me To Be a Stripper, Cook, Banker and Model?

BY: - 1 Aug '12 | Marriage

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In marriages today us women are held to a standard that most men can’t even think about obtaining nevertheless maintaining. You see women are supposed to move in the bedroom like a stripper, look like a model, cook like Betty Crocker, be a great mom like Claire Huxtable and manage money like Bill Gates. Where did I get these expectations you may ask? Of course, I got these images from the many married men who I see all over social media talking about what their wives (and future wives) must do to keep (and get) a ring on their fingers. To add insult to injury, most of these men don’t even begin to possess any of the positive traits they want in their women.

At first when I saw these types of posts/updates/pictures on social media I would get mad and get into a typing battle with Mr.(Insert your husband/man/brother’s name). Then after a while I would roll my eyes and mutter, “man please” and go on about my day. But I think there has come a time where me as a wife has to address some of the foolish expectations men have of their wives and women in general.

As a wife, we have a duty to the Proverbs 31 wife. That is a wife who is faithful, respectful, nurturing, fiscally responsible, healthy, resourceful, conscious of time, and possesses inner beauty. These are all traits that are sure to not only keep a woman happy but her family happy. In times before ours, the majority of men respected a woman’s many responsibilities and “cut her slack” if she didn’t have on her sexy face every day.

However, today many men look at the outward appearance of their mates and end up having their wives trying to be everything but what they need to be””a good wife. Nowhere in Proverbs 31 does it ask for a wife to have all the superficial characteristics that some men put on us wives.

The other day I was staring in the mirror at my stretch marked stomach when my husband asked what was wrong with me. I mumbled that I needed to get rid of those marks. He looked at me like I was crazy and replied, “you can’t be perfect” and walked away shaking his head at my antics. Just that comment he said to me, made me happy because my husband recognized that I can’t be perfect.

Husbands have to realize that having their wives wear too many “hats” can cause unrealistic standards that cannot be maintained. Right now there are wives who are trying to keep up a superficial reality to keep their husbands happy. There’s nothing wrong with looking good but when expectations are unrealistic it’s never healthy. When I first had my daughter in 2008, I was determined to lose weight. I was working out two hours a day””all in an attempt to look good for my husband. Unfortunately, I tore a muscle and almost hurt myself really badly. As I set in the doctor’s office and explained my foolish behavior, both my doctor and husband let me know””I could not be perfect no matter how bad I wanted it.

In the end, there will be days where I can move like a stripper, look like a model, cook like Betty Crocker, be a great mom like Claire Huxtable and manage money like Bill Gates. But the reality is that there will be more days where I am the Proverbs 31 wife””and I’m fine with that.

BMWK, are women asked to wear too many hats in a marriage? How have you successfully handled this in the past?

About the author

Franchesca Warren wrote 44 articles on this blog.

Franchesca Warren is writer, author, blogger, educator, runner, entrepreneur, mother and overall BossyGirl. She's currently working on her second book detailing her chronicles of working in two of the roughest urban school districts with a release date of August 2012. You can find her full-time on her blog chronicling her life trying to balance it all and run a marathon by the end of the year. In her spare time she runs her own editing company, The Editing Nerd, and working on the launch of her first magazine. For a daily account of the good, bad and ugly of being a BossyGirl follow her on Twitter!


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39 WordPress comments on “So You Want Me To Be a Stripper, Cook, Banker and Model?

  1. Jackie Bledsoe, Jr.

    I think it can be done…just choose one day per week for each role. Stripper (Monday), Model (Tuesday), Betty Crocker (Wednesday), Claire (Thursday), and Bill Gates (Friday)! 😉 I am JOKING! 🙂 Seriously though, I have been guilty of doing that in my marriage. Over time I have studied my wife, and am learning what is too much or not enough, and more importantly what encourages her. And she has studied me and learned what I like and don’t like. But just like you said, we must realize that we cannot be perfect…each spouse needs to realize that about themselves and about their spouse. Great post Franchesca!

    1. Queco

      Great post Jackie – I must say that most men do not take the time out to study thier wife, and to learn the things that truly makes her happy. We as husbands must show our wives the due respect they deserve in the marriage, and how without them the home would not be the same. And the one thing I do to ensure my wife stay motivated is to provide tons of date nights and mini-vacations in town and out of town. I have learned that these types of things help keep her fresh and revived.

  2. loe

    I think we forget some basic things when we start comparing careers to wifely duties. We make careers something they are not and miss why they exist in the first place. Many vocations are all things we can do on or own but we pay other people to do them. Stripping aint really a job, any woman can strip for her husband, it’s not taxing That’s why strippers strip cuz it’s easy money. Aint nobody actually stripping 8 hrs a day 7 days a week! either sex can manage the money but a banker is managing people’s(plural) money every day, the house hold money has to be managed. Wives have been doing all these things for forever the big difference is now many women put pressure on themselves to earn their keep or to even keep up with or surpass their husbands. This added expectation whether coming from the man, woman or both, is where it gets difficult. Sometimes things became daunting because we look at them as such. Like looking at a big pile of dishes. It’s always looks worse than it is. Once you focus on doing it it doesn’t take much at all. So i think if you don’t list what your doing and putting it in the light of a full time job, and just focuus on the fact that it’s a need, and not only a need for your husband but a need for yourself to ! (Remember the household expenses, children and cooking are all shared. Your not just cooking for him , yourself is included in that!) So when you get to doing it it’s not as daunting a task as it seem!

    1. @yo_q_crush

      great way to look at it and minus the stripping part (or maybe not for some) if women were single they would STILL be handling those duties anyway, just for themselves.

      We have to take inventory of the things we do within marriage and determine if this is something that is new to the equation of my life, or would I have been doing this single or married. If you would be doing it as a single it should take some of the angst off you mind and lesser the attitude in having to do it within the marriage. Also those duties could be shared responsibilities.

      which brings up a bigger question to ponder, how many of these women are taking on those responsibilities just because (without the pressure from the husband)? They feel these are things a wife SHOULD do, so that add to their load of life and then become resentful when the husband allows her to do it.

      1. Nikki

        These women may have been doing it before marriage, but that’s because they only had themselves to worry about. Not an adult- man- big kid. I don’t care how many wars a man has been through, a man never takes on the responsibility of a woman. Even single dads. They have their mothers help or another woman, and they certainly don’t have to carry a baby for 9 months, give birth, watch their body go through trauma, and make it look good at the same time. I think the reason so many men are complaining about being single or divorce, is because of intimidation. Many have nothing to bring to the table, so they set an unrealistic approach to things for their woman, to try to break her self esteem, her worth, and self confidence. In return, leaving a woman this way for the next man. #teammarriedwoman

  3. @yo_q_crush

    Yes, expectations of your perfection in others is crazy, but it goes both ways. Women want their husbands to be chiseld out of granit, have the charm of Will Smith, the hood intelligence of 2pac, be a mandingo in the bed, be sensitive to her needs but not be too soft, be Mr fix EVERYTHING, love his mother but not be a mommas boy, make 8 figures as a corporate BOSS but still make it to all Jr’s games and play dress up with princess. That person doesnt exist and if he does does he want you???

    We ALL carry expectations in dating/marriage, that depending on the circumstance, could be deemed as very unattainable. You just have to play to your spouse strengths while making weaknesses not so irritating.

    It is so necessary to get to know the person you are dating as much as possible and then be ok with seeing what they have to offer. If she wasnt cooking when you were dating, you cant expect her to be Paula Dean after “i do.” If he couldnt put together a box when you were just friends, he wont magically be able to build a house for you.

    See them for who they are and not what you want them to be and if some of the characteristics they lack in, are a part of your deal breaker list be man/woman enough to let them go.

    1. Superwife

      I never wanted this….and any woman who does – is fooling herself. This guy does not exist, just like that “perfect” woman doesn’t. Look at the people who stay married for 50+ years – they didn’t expect this list of insane attributes…and they last, but we don’t. Hmmmm

  4. Adams Amantama

    Wonderfull!!! article woman i love this to the bone.. your last statement on this massage say’s “But the reality is that there will be more days where I am the Proverbs 31 wife—and Im fine with that.” you cant be Perfect….. thanks. Cheers!

  5. Melissa

    As a single woman who has been in serious relationships, I believe the pressure women feel to master the “superficial” attributes starts way before marriage. Just look at how cut throat the dating game is among single people. Women have been reduced to catty contestants in this dating game while some men sit back swollen with arrogance, waiting to pick the woman who best satisfies his most basic needs and impulses. So wives, the pressure you feel, in my opinion, is a continuation of the pressure that many women in our society feel today as more and more people let go of the values and strengths that make relationshps strong and stable in exchange for superficial and tempermental values, rooted firmly in selfishness and lust.

    1. stephanieb

      I totally agree Melissa. Even in dating men expect so much from us and give little in return. The last guy I dated wanted a woman that was darn near close to perfect, great cook, good with kids, great career, good in the bedroom, etc., but I ended up finding out that he was still living at home with his parents and didn’t even have a steady job and he’s almost 40 year old. I guess that would explain why he’s still single at that age, but you have many single black men nowadays with that mentality, like women are supposed to be perfect in every way, and because they are in such high demand with pretty much every woman, black, white, hispanic, etc., they think that they don’t have to bring ANYTHING to the table. I think that we as women help contribute to these men thinking this way by acting like they are God’s gift to the world, when many of them are just plain lazy and have no motivation at all!

  6. Letrell manchand

    Cut it out. We all have our preferences. I don’t use the bible As reference for being. Good wife. Because in that time. Good wife was submissive, obedient, and basically the property of the husband. So no i will not use yhe boble as a absolute authority but as a referemce to support my own belifes. Yes I will give my husband my 1000 percent if that’s what he is giving me.
    And yes you must wear many hats. As do men. So complaining and get on your job. Wives and husbands.

    1. @yo_q_crush

      so if you dont use the bible as a reference point then what do you use… I hope not Man because we are flawed and through our own understanding of things are lost.

      Its funny how people are subjective christians, believing things only if/when it benefits their selfish desires, or reading a verse and taking it out of context. As a married couple you there is a give and take, yes the wife submits to the Order GOD placed before her through man, but first the man must be in Order with God to be submitted to.

      If you dont use the bible as a reference does that mean you wont/didnt get married in the traditional form then? By following the standard wedding you are vowing before God to follow His law when it comes to marriage.

      God says he does not like luke warm either you are hot or you are cold so either believe that His word is true or dont at all. (which is why many christians are in the sad state of affairs WE are)

    2. FRan

      I don’t understand your point. Are you angry that I referenced the bible? So should wives have to be EVERYTHING in a marriage? I don’t think you got the point of the article..

  7. Superwife

    I tell you what, I will be all the things listed, as soon as my husband becomes, a certified mechanic, a successful Wall Street investment banker, a world class chef, and a board certified plastic surgeon….until then. Nobody is perfect….men, please remember – if you require it of your woman, you had better be it first.

  8. Michelle

    Ladies there is nothing with being a freak in your bedroom for your husband nothing at all but we as woman need to ask the same of our men. Why should i have to walk around in heels all day dolled up and you look like leave it to beaver Really.Where is it stated that when you marry you are the sole cook, cleaner and all that this is a marriage and all things should be shared not just solely on 1 person this is why you form that union otherwise there is no need to get married if you have to do it all by yourself.

    1. Ross

      What kind of man are you citing as an example? If a man works and provides for the home, it’s the woman’s job to take care of that home and make sure the man bringing the food and supplies in fed and taken care of. If she has to work antoher job outside the home…she shouldn’t get married to the guy! Simple.

  9. Marisha D

    I read this article and I fully understand where the men are coming from but I must add that whatever a man wants his wife, he has to be willing to do for himself. So ok, a man wants his wife to cook, will he be willing to cook now and then for his wife? A man wants his wife to maintain her sexy figure, is he going to do the same? This is just me but I dont find anything attractive about a beer belly. A man wants his wife to clean the house, will he be willing to do the same or help in some way? Thanks ‘Superwife’ for your comment, I couldnt agree with u more.

    1. Ross

      Nope. If a man brings home the food, his wife is to cook it. Plain and simple. If he provides an environment in which she doesn’t have to take on a job that works her 9am-5pm. Her role is taking care of that home. That’s the exchange. Man: hunters gathers, protects. Woman: takes care of nest, helps raise children. Very simple. If a woman wants to work at a job 9-5, she doesn’t need to get married. She’s better off alone or casually dating. If a man provides a home, and income, what he looks like is up to him. That’s why you can see a lot of fat women with skinny guys ’cause most likely she’s paying the bills. 😛 Works the same way with men. Personally, if you look a certain way before marriage, it’s the duty to maintain that look throughout the marriage. Hair loss cannot be helped,, saggy skin and wrinkles cannot be helped. However, slim and trim can be helped! 😀 P90X! 😀

      1. H

        Oh, dear. Ross, you seem to be living in another reality. Are you aware that the majority of American women now work outside of the home on a part- or full-time basis? And if they don’t currently, the majority have found it necessary at some point in their marriage(s)?

        The economy, unfortunately, does not always allow for the perfect Brady Bunch scenario to play out. Many women are the sole financial providers while their husbands return to school or look for work.

        This article makes perfect sense in that context, but also in the context of a stay-at-home wife/mother. Men do their 9-5 work day, then they can come home and relax. Why should their wives, who are working hard at home all those same hours, be required to continue taking care of everything and everyone until their heads hit the pillow each night?

        Marriage is about looking out for on another and considering one another’s best interest. The scenario you present as an acceptable marriage doesn’t seem to be in line with either of those.

  10. Chrystal

    Great article, Fran! I agree. I admire the Proverbs 31 and strive to be more like her. This is because God’s way is the best way and the way I can be SURE I am doing this wife thing right. All that other stuff is fluff. My husband admires and loves so many things about me, but first and foremost my relationship with God. Just like you said, I’ll be his stripper and all that too, but daily I focus on being the wife God expects and since he’s a Godly man he appreciates that!

  11. Yana

    The Internet and bookstores are loaded with tips on how to be a better wife, but very seldom do you see the same for men on how to be better husbands. In biblical times and even back in the 50’s the role of the wife was different. However times have changed and some millennium wives (myself included) have come to resent the numerous expectations that are placed on us. Wives have had to adapt to the changed expectations as far as helping to support and maintain the family, but IMO a lot of husbands have kept to their dated philosophies on what a husbands role should be. If i have to update and adjust to this brave new world, then so do you! If I did not have to work a 9-5 just like my husband then I would be the first wife jumping to be the cook, stripper, banker etc, I however am tired and the imbalance of responsibilities that exist in my household make me even less willing to care about wearing those numerous hats.

    1. Ross

      You are very correct. However, if a woman wants this role then she should be picking a man in a situation that can aid in fulfilling that role. If her husband expects it, then he should be able to provide the environment in which it can be done. If a man has a 7 figure salary, and his wife complains about the role, he should find a new wife. Very simple.:) If a woman is still working 9-5, she has no business getting married to a man, she should remain single.

  12. DNLee

    I think women are asked to wear too many hats, and reach ridiculous standards. Frankly, it’s one of the reasons the institution (of marriage) doesn’t seem so appealing to me.

    I truly believe we – Black folks – have spent a lot of time and energy raising/socializing boys and girls so differently that by the time we reach our teens we have NO idea how to communicate with each other – or be our authentic selves. It’s a shame really. Healthy self-dialogue, supportive friends/family/spouses, and good communication are the bed rock of good relationships.

    Thank you for this post.

  13. Pingback: Husbands Stimulate Your "Domestic Sexy"! | Black and Married With - A Positive Image of Marriage and Family

  14. Kyre Williford

    I don’t agree with that message at all I am just an average black male I don’t expect my wife to be a model or move like stripper in the bed room.

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My Wife IS NOT My Friend (On Facebook) – 3 Years Later

BY: - 2 Aug '12 | Best of BMWK

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This is a follow-up to the popular BMWK classic: My Wife Is Not My Friend On Facebook

My wife and I are connected on Instagram, Pinterest, GetGlue and Twitter. My wife and I work out together, watch movies together and go on dates. After receiving “hate email” a few days ago, over the Facebook article I wrote here almost three years ago. I decided it was time to write a follow-up to what oddly enough, has become the single most popular thing I’ve ever written. Guess I gotta thank Facebook for this. I appreciate those of you who actually read the original article in full, from start to finish. Whether you agreed or disagreed, thank you for not jumping to conclusions about me or being emboldened by the Internet to attack me personally.

Privacy. What Privacy?

So the person who sent me the hate email accused me of wanting to sneak around on Facebook. To sneak around would suggest there is some level of privacy online. There is not. As someone who makes a living in social media, I know first-hand there is no such thing. Working as a social media analyst for a major corporation I utilized software that allowed me to access Facebook, Twitter, Google+ and YouTube accounts all over the globe. This tool isn’t able to access anyone’s personal information, but it can “hear” everything that is being said online. In other words once you put something on the Internet, it’s on the Internet. Short of private messages (maybe) or unless you are a tech-savvy hacker there is no sure-fire way to sneak around. The second you log on you leave “footprints” — cookies, IP addresses, data — everywhere. More and more Facebook is being used to capture criminals. Employers are monitoring employees’ personal activities, and savvy divorce attorneys will subpoena social media activity in a heartbeat as evidenced by every politician that has self-destructed before the world on the Internet. Companies spend fortunes collecting marketing data on you and I, data that we give away freely, thinking we’re just chatting online with friends. With privacy settings being more difficult to understand than Chinese take out menus in Chinese, think again if you believe you are operating in a secure environment. The best policy is to be wise and be smart with what you say and how you say it when communicating online.

Un-friending vs. Blocking

Where Facebook rises above all the other social media platforms out there is that it gives you the ability to truly Block someone. Unlike Twitter or any other place that allows you to block someone, but then not only can they still see you but they also know you blocked them, Facebook stands alone in its ability, to make you, and whomever you’re blocking disappear from each other as if you don’t exist. If you comment on the same threads and photos you simply don’t appear and Facebook doesn’t allow any 3rd party apps to “tell on you”, alerting people you’ve blocked that you’re on their not so nice list. If you get a link via email stating that you can, delete it because it’s spam and it’s a virus. Blocking is an excellent option to combat bullies, stalkers or people you never want to find you on Facebook (you can even block people who haven’t yet friended you). And herein lies my point. I DID NOT BLOCK my wife, nor did I change my status from “Married” to something ridiculous like, “It’s complicated.” I un-friended her. Anyone who blocks or changes their marital status, is truly trying to hide something or hates the person they live with. Most of the negative comments and most recently, hate email, I’ve received come from people who want to believe I blocked my wife. And that simply ain’t cool.

Shared Friends – Shared Eyes

Because my wife and I share a huge number of mutual friends, including relatives and in-laws we can see each others photos and comments, we can also comment with each other when mutual friends are involved. We also watch each other uploading all this stuff while sitting together on the couch in the living room and go over our teenage son’s Facebook page to make sure nothing crazy is going on there. How do you sneak around when you have the same friends and when those friends are checking in on you as well? Or you have a vocal sister-in-law who is quick to call-out any activity that looks suspect? Well, you might not have a vocal sister-in-law, but I do.


That article was never about trust. The subject was never mentioned in the article. But commenters immediately went on the attack of me and each other over the subject of trusting spouses on Facebook. Trust was what ignited my decision to un-friend my wife. But not mistrust, complete trust. My computer is always on and so was my Facebook account, which she accessed, repeatedly, when my back was turned, or I was asleep. I’d awake to statuses (stati?) that made me sound half, and sometimes completely crazy. She’s a natural comedian, so the first couple of times it was funny. But eventually it became an issue the more I asked that she respect my “space”, and the more she kept on having fun at my expense. Despite warnings from friends on FB to lock my account, I refused because I didn’t need to take such drastic measures in my own home against my wife. But coupled with a series of communications errors we had as a young married couple of only two years at the time, Facebook simply got in the way. Every marriage has it’s issues. I hope as you read this you don’t believe mine were worse than yours. They’re all growing pains that lead to long term love and happiness. So I did what any leader does from time to time; I made an extremely unpopular decision that I felt was for our greater good. In the short run, we talked about everything, laughed about everything, especially that article. And in the long run, we were better off because of it because it stopped the trend of us communicating with each other face to face on the computer.

3 Years Later

It is now almost three years since I wrote, My Wife IS NOT My Friend (on Facebook), while sitting on my living room couch while watching television. It’s been almost three years since I casually emailed the article to Lamar Tyler with the simple message, “Here you go.” It’s been almost 3 years since that fateful next day when he called me at noon to tell me the article had been viewed 1,000 times. If the article were published today, I’m sure that number would probably have been 100,000 based on how many people are online and use Facebook. Three years ago I had only been married for two, and despite all the years we had been together prior we were definitely going through our terrible twos. I can honestly look back and say, social media, Facebook specifically, was a distraction, not the destruction, in our lives. We were arguing about a lot that did matter. I didn’t believe we needed to add Facebook to the mix. I can clearly remember being called out of meetings at work thinking something was wrong with one of my kids only to be angrily told I needed to delete a Facebook status. I’ve watched 50 year-old relatives hash out their infidelities and divorce proceedings on Facebook — living up in the same space and hating each other online and letting everyone know it. Facebook? Seriously?

Reality. Could I have handled my situation differently and better? I will answer this question with a most-certain, “yes.” I’ll scream “Yes!” to the hilltops. I learned a year or so later from the dynamic duo, The Marriage Coaches, that short of infidelity and/or abuse, when things are beginning to go wrong in a marriage, rarely is only one spouse at fault or somehow more at fault than the other. Wrong is wrong. Period. And you want to steer as far away from wrong, together, in marriage. I didn’t write this to defend my actions in any way. Nor am I seeking approval from anyone I don’t know or isn’t helping to pay my bills. I am accountable to God, my family and the laws of the land. But after the hate email I recently got I felt compelled, now three years wiser, to share that Mark Zuckerberg’s life’s work should not under any circumstances be the balance upon which trust in a marriage is measured. Nowhere can I find Facebook in the Bible or the Qua-ran and I’m pretty sure they don’t read it’s Terms and Conditions at the Justice of the Peace down at City Hall. Kids can’t even spell anymore because they write and think in nonsensical, auto-corrected, abbreviated statements that fit perfectly into status boxes but don’t make sense anywhere else. Here’s the bottom line: Live life In Real Life. Yes, it’s nice to connect with friends hundreds of miles away or people with whom you lost touch with generations ago, but if your spouse is right in front of you, talk to them, laugh with them, reach out and hold them, love them and don’t let anything get in the way of that. Agree, or agree to disagree and move on — together.

READ PT I:  My Wife Is Not My Friend On Facebook

 BMWK, is your spouse your friend on Facebook?

About the author

Eric Payne wrote 83 articles on this blog.

Named a Top 50 Dad Blogger in 2011 by Cision Media & awarded Top 50 Dad Blog in 2011 and 2012 by, Eric writes about fatherhood, marriage and everything in between on his blog He speaks around the country about social media and blogging. He is the author of "DAD: As Easy As A, B, C!" and is a regular on CNN's Headline News station and the Jennifer Keitt show on KISS 104.1 FM Atlanta.


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