What If Your Spouse Never Changes?

BY: - 20 Sep '12 | Marriage

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Photo Credit: Dan Jaeger

Photo Credit: Dan Jaeger

Love is blind, at least in the beginning anyway. Many of us overlook certain behaviors our partners display because we love them, the good outweighs the bad, and because we secretly feel they will eventually change. During the honeymoon phase, in some marriages, couples pretend the things their spouses do that drive them crazy aren’t that big of a deal. Then all of a sudden, after we are fully invested in the marriage, the true feelings begin to emerge. The things we initially ignored are now wearing on our nerves and the complaining replaces normal conversation.

There are choices. We can continue to complain, ask our spouse to correct, or choose to accept. Either way, we neither physically nor mentally have the power to change another person. Our loving words can provide guidance and instruction and even our own actions will possibly promote transformation in our partner. But what if, after all of that, our spouse never changes. What if, what you see is what you get, forever? Are you willing to deal with a spouse who doesn’t help out around the house often enough? Or a spouse who sometimes talks entirely too much? For the most part, none of it should be a surprise. But will you be okay, if 10 years into the marriage everything is the same? Honestly, this is a strong possibility.

People don’t always change when or the way we would like them to. Thankfully, a huge part of being in love is acceptance. Accepting the good with the bad, the normal with the quirky and still loving unconditionally. We must keep in mind that not one of us is perfect. We all come with some form of baggage or habits we simply can’t help. Most of us are open to change and will make the necessary adjustments but there are still some who struggle, even when the desire may be there.

If our spouse never changes for us, it shouldn’t affect the happiness we create in our relationship. Couples should enter a marriage with their eyes wide open and with love and acceptance in their hearts. As long as there is joy, peace and the foundation of a healthy relationship, let’s live, love and enjoy our partners, just as they are.

BMWK, have you expected your spouse to change in certain areas? What has been the result?

About the author

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter wrote 635 articles on this blog.

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, founder of Life Editing and Author of A Conversation Piece: 32 Bold Relationship Lessons for Discussing Marriage, Sex and Conflict Available on Amazon . She helps couples and individuals rewrite their life to reflect their dreams. Tiya has been featured in Essence and Ebony Magazines, and named one of the top blogs to read now by Refinery29. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two daughters. To find out more about Tiya, and her coaching, visit www.thelifeandlovecoach.com and www.theboldersister.com.


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9 WordPress comments on “What If Your Spouse Never Changes?

  1. Carolyn Hall-Lewis

    This is a hugh part of my marriage now. My husband biggest complaints is that during our marriage, that I have not changed! Now has some things that he needs to change but he has not, and he has no intention of changing. I see my mistakes, but he don’t recognize his. We both say we want more. I am asking God for guidenes because I am at a standstill regarding our marriage!

  2. Tiya

    Thank you for your comment Carolyn and your honesty. Please continue to pray. God will guide you. It makes a difference if the changes a spouse needs to make are affecting the marriage in a negative way. Have you shared with your husband how and what you are willing to do and what personal changes you are willing to make to improve your marriage and ask him which ones he is willing to make? Does he know what specifically he can do to improve the marriage? Instead of pointing fingers start the conversation off by stating what you noticed about the relationship in general, without saying who is or not doing what.

  3. KMH

    I read the posts above and know you are on my street. However, we have both changed – grown with parenting, work, and age affecting our lives. I’ve been his cheerleader, celebrating his strengths for years…I’ve allowed him to be who he is and taken care of the other responsibilities. I’m sorry to say this but: I’d like to be admired and yes – adored for my efforts. But I hardly get that and because of it, I do think some change is needed. I’ve loved and accepted him for who he is and let him know he’s still great – and he is. But he takes that appreciation, says Thanks, and goes on back to what he was doing. It’s a routine – I’m sure you all are somewhat familiar with those. But we as women grow too in our responsibilities and situations. As a wife, I’m kind of disappointed that I lost my boyfriend and gained a friend in my husband. It doesn’t have to be every day; but every once in awhile, I’d love his undivided attention… not just on Mother’s Day, Christmas and my birthday. In a marriage, you work together to build a life. It’s not about just you – it is “us” in it together. So, yeah, I wish he would become more of the romantic to show his wife value. Women need that kind of attention – no matter how many years in a marriage. That one person is supposed to feel special. I don’t give to get; but I’d like to get from time to time.

  4. Angela

    I have accepted my husband for who he is. Sometimes you just want some help and to work together and not feel alone. Not to change him but some of his ways.

  5. Pingback: Want To Change Your Spouse? Change Yourself | Black and Married With Kids.com - A Positive Image of Marriage and Family

  6. Pingback: Want To Change Your Spouse? Change Yourself | Crystal Key Ministries

  7. Candice

    I just want to offer hope and encouragement to some people out there, I am not married but I still have men to deal with and they have to be respected, even though they do stuff that makes me feel like I have a rant coming on for the crazy stuff they do! Anyway, so ranting at guys does not help. I’m sure you know this but sometimes it helps to point it out saying it. But I discovered that I can tell Jesus just the things I want to say and believe it, Jesus does relay the messages loud and clear. Just take it to The Lord in prayer, tell The Lord ALL about it and guess what, it works! The Lord knows just how to relay your messages, when you try that thing where it says men can be won over without saying a word, that’s just without nagging, ranting, or preachin’ at a man, there’s not a single place in The Bible where it says we can’t express our true words to The Lord. And if it gets bad enough you can even start writing lists down, bringing it all to The Lord and just watch the miracles start happening.

  8. Letrell manchand

    This topic is trivial and stupid. Talking too much….get out of here. I’m thinking your talking about things of substance. Like adultery, drugs, abuse, child abuse, alcohol, etc…. This article was a waste of paper. Just my opinion tho.

  9. Debbie

    If you go into a relationship looking to change your partner why bother being with them in the first place … love is unconditional if you gonna harp on indifferences maybe you shouldn’t be together … respect should be a factor that will keep your relationship together … because change gonna come rather you like it or not.

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Are You For or Against Sleeping in Separate Bedrooms

BY: - 20 Sep '12 | Home

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Last winter, my job sent me to a conference for a week in Boston. And while I missed my guy, I got better sleep over those four nights than I’ve gotten in the last six years.

My husband is a snorer. And when I say he’s a snorer, I mean that when we lived in a townhouse I could tell that he had fallen asleep on the couch as I walked up to the door because I could hear him snoring outside. It’s a problem. A real one. But I didn’t realize how much sleeping next to a chainsaw was affecting my sleep because I had gotten so used to it.

On top of him being a snorer, he’s also a mover. I can’t count the number of elbows I’ve taken to my head and neck. He manages to ruin the covers in ways that I didn’t think possible. Just last night I woke up in the middle of the night because he had somehow flipped the comforter completely over to the scratchy side. How does that happen? The flat sheet? Couldn’t even find it.

Before I got married, I remember an older coworker of mine who had been married for 30+ years saying that at some point she and her husband had toyed with the idea of separate bedrooms. Newly-engaged, I couldn’t even fathom not wanting to spend every night side by side. These days, while I think that I would still want to share a bed with him most of the time,  it would be nice to know that I had options if a sound sleep was one of my goals.

At the same time, the bed at the end of the day is somewhere that we can unwind with each other and just be close if we hadn’t had the opportunity all day long. I wouldn’t want sleeping apart to affect our intimacy.

At present, we don’t have an extra bedroom, so it really is a non-issue and something I toss around in my mind when he’s snoring.  I’m thinking: “If I could just kill you for like 15 minutes while I fall asleep” (I’m sorry, these are thoughts of the sleep deprived). But if we ever go for a home upgrade, I can’t say that I wouldn’t be tempted.

What do you think? Is having separate bedrooms wrong or sometimes a necessary evil? How do you deal with sleep differences between you and your spouse?

Re-connect with your spouse and build a stronger marriage in 15 minutes a day at Making Love in the Microwave.

About the author

Aja Dorsey Jackson wrote 213 articles on this blog.

Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and marriage educator in Baltimore, Maryland and author of the blog and book, Making Love in the Microwave.


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