A Young Man Shares Why He Finally Decided to “Say Yes”

BY: - 19 Oct '12 | Marriage

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Troy Spry

By Troy Spry

Okay so check it out…I’m a little less than a month away from my wedding and it’s finally dawning on me that I am about to be married….I can see it now…all the ladies reading are like “awwww!” and all the fellas are like “you sure you want do that?” Surprisingly enough my answer to that question is “YES.” Let me explain…

As men,  society tells us we are not supposed to be excited about marriage; we are supposed to be victims of our own sexual appetites that we lustfully desire to feed with a plethora of women. Still yet, ultimately we are left hungry for this little thing called SUBSTANCE! As a result, as men, we fight this internal battle of sex vs. substance.  And while we are busy fighting, we usually end up losing the substance we wanted while searching for the sex we desire.  Just to look back and say…”damn I lost a good one.” Man, how many times have I seen this scenario?! Thus, I am choosing the substance over the sex.

So with that said…I say YES!

Now with saying “yes” to the substance, there comes a responsibility. The responsibility is the one that says:  I will embark on a journey that is bigger than me and my own selfish desires so that I may lay a foundation that will build a legacy. As men we must come to a point where we realize that our legacies are built not by the number of women we conquer, but by the impact we have on our families and the people around us. There are many men who are now 50 years old looking back  and regretting the fact that they never did right by their family.  Or, that they never had a positive impact that they will be remembered for.   And now, they are trying to make up for lost time. I don’t want to build my legacy reactively.  Instead,  I want to build it proactively.

So with that being said…I say YES!

Another reality that men won’t admit to is that just as women desire stability and security, men do too. This whole idea of “ride or die chick” is just a cool way of saying “I want and need someone to be here for me when times get tough. I need someone to share the sunny days and the rainy ones with me. I need someone to encourage me, support me, and believe in me even when I don’t believe in myself. I need someone that I can count on to represent me and our family the right way. I need someone to pick me up when I fall!”  Ultimately we all just need someone that’s going to have our back!

With that being said….I say YES!

Ok so let me rewind for a second. Earlier I mentioned “sex vs. substance” and it brings me back to a conversation that I had with an old head where he said “you have to think beyond the sex.” Being a male, one of the hardest things to do is “think beyond the sex.” We desire women from a young age, we learn to embrace the chase, and our identities become rooted in sexual conquests. As a result of the time and energy we invest into validating our manhood through sex, many of us never learn how to validate our manhood through character and family. Now don’t get me wrong, we will always be physically attracted to other women, but it is only after we have learned to “think beyond the sex” that those thoughts don’t manifest into actions. One thing every guy knows is that if there is no substance behind the sex, then after the orgasm there is no more desire to really even be in her presence. I know every lady believes he wants to stay around and cuddle, but the reality is that no substance=no cuddle=”why are you still here?!”

Every day that I tell someone I’m engaged inevitably I hear the same thing…”you sure you want to do that”….”you’re too young”…”why would you give up the single life?” Being that I am only human, I can’t lie and say that consistently hearing those things  doesn’t  have an impact on my thought process. Some days I can’t help but wonder, what if, or if it is the right decision, or would the streets be more “fun.” I think this, though, is where God gave me the gift of vision. The experiences he has put me through in my life have aided in my growth and I now value this idea of life being about something bigger than me.

I don’t want to get too philosophical and I won’t sit here and act like it’s always just this easy. What I will say though is that what makes “saying yes” so easy for me is very simple. It’s the fact that God put someone in my life with so much substance, that’s so genuine, so loving, so selfless, and not to mention beautiful. She brings out everything good in me, while accepting the bad in me, all while believing in the great in me that has yet to come.

With that being said….”I say yes!”

So you may be asking…Troy what’s the point or what’s the message? My point and message is this: choose substance over sex and that will allow you to embrace the responsibility of being bigger than yourself so that you may begin to build your legacy now instead of trying to rebuild it later when it’s too late. Lastly, when you do decide to say “yes” do it with someone who makes it easy to do so!

Thanks for reading folks!

BMWK – Troy brings up some very great points as he describes his journey to saying yes.  We talk about this in our movie Men Ain’t Boys: many young men are being encouraged to be sexually active because that’s what boys are “supposed to do as they become men.”  Have you noticed that? Why aren’t we teaching our kids to choose substance over sex?

Troy Spry resides in Charlotte, NC.   He created his blog, Xklusive Thoughts, with the intent of putting out a very realistic perspective and using it as a vehicle for inspiration!    He hopes to challenge people to think differently and inspire people to do and be better in relationships and in life!  You can reach Troy via his website, twitter, or Facebook.


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25 WordPress comments on “A Young Man Shares Why He Finally Decided to “Say Yes”


    This is my brother for life… always been a inspired individual! I read it when it was first published but i can always read it again! There are a lot of “boys” still out there who still crave the sex over substance… All i can do is shake my head on that! Substance is definitely the key fellas!! Get with it or Get lost!

  2. Jameka B.

    Hey Troy. Great article. So proud of you. I’ve known you since you and my brother were in middle school. You’ve grown to be a great young man. Be blessed in your marriage and future endeavors.

  3. Michelle

    Congratulations! A thought I have, though, is why is it either/or? My marriage (15 years) has substance AND great sex. We are honest about our desires and do everything in our power to fulfill then with each other. We are spouses, best friends, partners, lovers, playmates,with each other and we have 3 beautiful children. Our life is full of delicious variety along with very deep trust and closeness. He is the man of my dreams because we can do anything together.

  4. Troy Spry

    Michelle first and foremost I applaud your relationship with your Husband and I wish you nothing but happiness. When I say “sex over substance” I speaking more metaphorically with “sex” being more of a man’s desire to be in the streets where he can engage with “multiple” women, instead of settling down with the one that has the “substance!” I agree sex AND substance are very important and I didn’t mean for them to be seen as mutually exclusive. Thanks so much for your comments

  5. Pingback: Open Friday: She Says I Need More Money To Marry Her « From Ashy to Classy

  6. Reggea

    My dear brother Troy,

    May the Lord bless you and watch, guard, and keep you;
    The Lord make His face to shine upon and enlighten you and be gracious, kind, merciful to you;
    The Lord lift up His approving countenance upon you and give you peace, tranquility of heart and life continually.

  7. Superwife

    Funny – when we look for a man to lead our nation as POTUS, we instinctively know that the guy who has bed the most women is probably not the best man for the job. But men somehow can look for qualities in another leader, that they won’t develop within themselves. How did this happen and why does it continue? Men should always be judged by the content of their true character and the positive legacy they leave by their presence. Any other measure is plain and simple idiocy. I applaud this writer for saying it.

  8. Yolanda Washington

    Very well said, more brothers need to read this. I know there r good
    men out there, I am also looking for my king my prince, my man, one day he will appear. Thank u god for real man out there. Congratulations n God Bless

  9. Pingback: A Young Man Shares Why He Finally Decided to “Say Yes” | Black and Married With Kids.com – A Positive Image of Marriage and Family « wtpdiaries

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Celeb Marriage Scene – Chris Rock is Inspired by His Daugthers

BY: - 19 Oct '12 | Black Celebrity Marriages

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In an interview with The Today Show, comedian Chris Rock revealed that the popular “Afro Circus” song his zebra Marty sings in the hit film Madagascar was an ad-lib inspired by his daughter. Rock made up the song trying to entertain his daughter Lola, who was bored on set at the recording studio one day during taping. He also admitted that he and comedian Dave Chappelle have been working together on a possible tour, but isn’t sure whether we’ll be seeing a Rock/Chappelle collaboration in the near future. Today

Although Jada Pinkett-Smith jokes that she sometimes embarrasses her sons in front of their girlfriends by asking for kisses before they leave the house, she has a great relationship with her children. “There’s no dictatorship with my kids. We’re in a partnership. We’re partners in everything,” she said. “I never have to show them who’s boss. It’s very clear that we’re in a partnership.” MSN Celebrity

Comedian Mike Epps has joined the cast of Nina, a biopic about the late singer/songwriter/activist starring actress Zoe Saldana in the lead role. Epps will play comedian Richard Pryor, whom Simone wrote about in her autobiography, saying she often had to help calm down the star who suffered from extreme stage fright in the 1960s. Epps recently starred in the remake of the movie “Sparkle.” BET  

Actress Essence Atkins will star alongside actors Marlon Wayans and Cedric the Entertainer in the new Wayans comedy spoof, A Haunted House. The film, which pokes fun at “found-footage” movies, features Atkins and Wayans as a young couple who move into a new home. Shortly thereafter they realize the house is haunted, Atkins gets possessed by a demon, and Wayans works hard to keep the demon from ruining his relationship. The film is set to premiere in January, 2013. Shadow and Act  

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Aja Dorsey Jackson wrote 212 articles on this blog.

Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and marriage educator in Baltimore, Maryland and author of the blog and book, Making Love in the Microwave.


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