Here Are 5 Reasons Why I’ve Given Up In My Marriage

BY: - 31 Dec '12 | Marriage

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Do you know a married couple that never fights? Me neither. Two people. One life. Happily ever after – with a few inevitable rough spots and bumps along the journey. Sometimes those bumps in the road become hills and the hills become mountains and then what? Is giving up an option? Do we quickly begin to throw around the “D” word? Hopefully not, because that’s always the easy thing to do. What’s really tough is staying and working it out when the going gets tough. That’s why I’d like to share with you why I’ve given up (a few things) in my marriage.

I’ve decided to give up always having to be right. This was very hard because after all, we’re arguing because we both think we’re right and that the other spouse is wrong. I have recently learned to just bow out gracefully. It hasn’t killed me because you’re reading this. Every disagreement doesn’t have to be a big deal.

I’ve given up on thinking that because he disagrees with me that his love for me is compromised. Time and time again, my warped thinking, especially in the heat of a disagreement, has me thinking that because he won’t budge, he must not love me as much. Yes this a childish frame of mind, but I’m not the only person that thinks this way. I’m so glad that this has been proven not to be the case and that his passion towards whatever he is arguing about is probably worth it, and his passionate nature is one of the reasons I married him in the first place.

I’ve completely given up on the silent treatment. He may disagree because I now call this time my calming period. Not long ago, I would give him the silent treatment after a disagreement and behave much like a petulant child, but all that really looks like is pouting. I’m grown. I’ve said what I had to say and I’m done. Why don’t we just agree to disagree, and move on? Besides, life is too short not to talk to each other, because tomorrow is not promised to anyone. I would hate for my last words to my spouse to be “nothing” and the last time he saw me, I had my lips tuned up… because of virtually nothing.

I’ve also given up on thinking that his way of parenting is wrong simply because its not “my way”. Before we got married and during pre-marital counseling, we discussed our parenting styles. We agreed overall but our innate and subjective differences sometimes clash but again, does that mean that either of us are wrong? No. Just not the same. As long as he’s not using cruel and unusual punishment (or feeding them too much refined sugars), I guess I can get over it.

I’ve thrown up my hands a lot in my marriage, but I refuse to throw my hands up ON my marriage. We have an understanding that there are very few deal breakers in our commitment to one another, and that fact makes our disagreements that much easier to get over. Simply knowing that after the smoke clears, we’ll both be standing there for each other gives me comfort. But ladies, we know we’re right 99% of the time anyway, so just look at it as energy savings. Don’t waste any unnecessary time or energy trying to prove something you already know to be true (wink wink).

BMWK – Are there things that you given up for common good of your marriage?  Do you agree that marriage takes a little give in take in order to be successful?

About the author

Sheree Adams wrote 117 articles on this blog.

Sheree is a wife and WAHM of three who passionately blogs about marriage, family, health tips and more as Smart & Sassy Mom. Sheree is committed to helping blended families and keeping marriages strong, healthy, fun and SPICY!

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6 WordPress comments on “Here Are 5 Reasons Why I’ve Given Up In My Marriage

  1. Erica Gant

    I have been thinking about giving up on my marriage, because my husband takes advice from people and family member that have never been married and some of them can even hold on in keeping a relationship. Recently my husband and I got into an heated agrument that he used a lot of hateful words that show me how he really feel about me. I can move forward in this married knowing this. I have been distance and don’t want to talk with him about personal matters, afraid he will discuss it with other people including his daughters mother.

  2. jazz0

    Sad to say I have given up On my marriage. He has for a long
    time and I joined. These things are great and I have applied some. I wish we both could do this and fix it. I will encourage others to do do.

  3. Tia Mcc

    Wanting to save your marriage seems like the hardest thing in life once it’s gotten past a certain point it feels like there’s no return smh. Things have fallen apart in my marriage so quickly that I’m doing nothing more than trusting God and staying in prayer. I’ve thrown my hands up but my heart is still aching.

  4. Tonya

    I gave up on my marriage and moved away from my husband and taking my daughter with me. Needless to say, I was not gone long before I realized I made a mistake. I now want to fix things and he does not. He does not want to divorce, but he does not want me to come home either. I do not encourage any woman/man to give up! If I have learned anything thru this difficult time is to let go and let GOD! I tried to handle it myself and now I might have lost my husband…

  5. Tae

    In 2007, my husband and I wanted to give up on our marriage. So we went to counseling. He told the counselor, “I don’t have to talk to her if I don’t want to.” I’ll never forget the look the counselor gave him. She looked at him sternly, took off his glasses and said, “Yes you do.” It hit home. He lowered his head as if his mother was scolding him, and so did I. Not only do we have to talk, but we have to listen. What we learned from that moment was to talk and listen with both our ears, mouths, and hearts. Your marriage is fixable, if you want it. And the most high is willing to guide you through your problems, if you allow it to happen. Dont give up on your marriage ifyou truly want to stay married, and your love is still there.

    I recently met a Lebanese couple who were married for 50 years and never had a wedding ceremony. Everytime they tried to divorce, wherever they were living (mostly in Palestine and Israel) broke out in civil war, so they had to keep hiding underground. What they found from those experiences was that when they wanted to leave, they stopped listening to eachother with their hearts. What they learned is that when you truly love someone with all your heart, and at times the only things they had was the clothes on their backs and the love in their hearts, that they were never steered in the wrong direction.

    Now which direction will you take? Are you going to listen to your second thoughts? Or are you going to listen to your hearts?

  6. lauren

    What about not making decisions based on emotions? I’m married and my husband and I have been seperated for about 6 months now this happen shortly after our son was born in March. I feel as if I have done everything possible to mend us back together but he doesnt want the marriage anymore. He moved out of our home and shortly after I moved out of state to be around a support system which I didnt have in the state we were living in. I think we are to the point were we are broken and cant be fixed I’m trusting GOD but at this point I have given up and have plans to move on. All through our relationship I have listened to my heart and seem to be in a pattern of back and forth with my husband even before the marriage I guess we just dont work…

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BMWK’s Top 10 Relationship Articles of 2012

BY: - 31 Dec '12 | Home

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As we roll full steam into 2013 we want to take a moment to reflect on the top ten articles that we ran over the past year. These articles have helped countless singles, wives and husbands gain a better understanding of how to navigate relationships and marriage. Below you’ll find our top ten articles of 2012 based on popularity. After you check each one out let us know which is your favorite.

1) Preparing To Become A Wife: 10 Tips For Single Women

Excerpt:

Most women have an idea of what age they will be when Mr. Right asks her to spend the rest of her life with him. She has the colors picked out, the ideal season, the wedding party and even the guest list! To many women, the wedding day is the turning point in her life that will lead to her happily ever after. Many of us have focused (let’s be honest) so much time and thought on the wedding and the marriage that we have never spent enough time and energy on the most important part”…preparing to become a wife!

As a woman involved in a courtship, I have obtained the counsel of women that have been married for 10+ years. I ask two questions that I believe will help prepare me to be the best wife that I can be. The first question is, “What are some things that you wish you would have done to prepare for marriage differently?” The other question is, “What advice would you give that would help me to be the wife that God calls women to be?” I have received great wisdom and advice from Godly women who have been married for close to 40 years! I would like to share that advice with other single women.

Read full article…

2) 5 Types Of Men Who Make Great Husbands

Excerpt:

In my line of work, I meet a lot of great husbands and the wives who adore them. Over time, it’s not hard to pick up on a pattern among these men “” especially when I chat with other wives about why they chose the men they’ve married and what qualities in their husbands have most shaped their marriage. For all those single women out there who often wonder what type of man they should marry, or how they will know if he’s The One they’re meant to spend forever with, this list is 100-percent for you. It has been prepared with love and careful consideration. It’s based on my own personal experience as a wife, those of the many wives I’ve encountered throughout my career as a Weddings and Relationships Editor, and the observations I’ve made about the great husbands I’ve met or bumped into over the years. It doesn’t have all the answers, but I promise you, it will at least have some of those you seek. Read on, ladies.

Read full article…

3) Preparing To Become A Husband – 10 Tips For Single Men

Excerpt:

Last week’s article,  Preparing To Become A Wife 10 Tips For Single Women, gave great tips for wives-to-be and inspired me to sit down and write out my thoughts on being a great husband. In no way am I proclaiming perfection in any of these areas, but like any relationship you have to work hard on the positives in order to become an ideal partner.

Prior to my marriage I would’ve never been able to construct a list like this and I hope my experiences can influence someone to develop positive habits prior to saying “I do.”

Read full article…

4) 20 Questions To Ask A Potential Spouse

Excerpt:

Now that I have a daughter, I can see myself questioning her male friends when they come to the house to date her. When I was a teenager, I didn’t like it when my dad and brothers did it, and I am sure my daughter will be embarrassed when her father and I subject her dates to similar scrutiny. But 20 questions shouldn’t end once she matures into adulthood and can date whomever she chooses. As my single friends testify, “You have to be careful these days because there is so much stuff going around.” And this isn’t just from a woman’s perspective. Men need to be careful too. Asking 20 questions doesn’t sound so weird or embarrassing when your health, sanity, and livelihood are at stake.

So, here are 20 questions to ask a potential spouse. These are just suggestions, and by no means should all of them be asked on a first date. If a question doesn’t feel right to you, then don’t ask it. Or, just replace it with one that is not on the list. The point is to get singles who desire to be married to think carefully about what’s important to them and then to have open communication about these issuesbefore marriage. There are plenty of married and divorced people who wish they had asked the tough questions before saying “I do.”

Read full article…

5) 10 Things Grown Women Shouldn’t Do – Part One

Excerpt:

I turned 26 a month or so ago. And now that I’m closer to 30 than I am to 20, I’m feeling some kind of way about the behaviors I exhibit and my reactions to every day events. Somehow I feel like I’m supposed to be wiser, calmer, more she’s-got-her-life-together than I really am. Some days I wake up and I’m like, “Crap, I’m an adult? Like, really? Wasn’t I just leaving the spring dance in a huff after having yet another argument with my high school boyfriend?”

And guess what? I’m 26 and the madness hasn’t been worked out. But I guess now I’m “wise” enough to know that the madness won’t ever be worked out. This is just life.

But going along with my 26th birthday, I told myself I would write a post, something for me to look back on as I turn 30, and then 35 and then 40, to see how my womanhood journey was going. Here’s what I got so far:

Read full article…

6) 4 Must-Have Conversations Before You Get Married

Excerpt:

A while back I did an interview where I mentioned that you needed to have a plan before going into a marriage. They asked me to elaborate and I went into a few things but wanted to talk about it more here. Some people I’ve talked to that are experiencing real relationships problems seem to have those issues due to lack of a clear plan up front. You know the old saying, “If you fail to plan, you can plan to fail”.

When you enter into a relationship with that other person   you’re coming from two different backgrounds, two different histories and two totally different points of view. Before your heart takes you away you need to sit down and have a discussion to make sure the plan you have is the same one or similar to what they are thinking. Here are a few things I think you should talk about with your plan:

Read full article…

7) 7 Things Your Spouse Needs To Hear (More Often)

Excerpt:

In some marriages, although the positive outweighs the negative, what is most often highlighted and discussed is the negative. It is easy to focus on socks left on the bathroom floor, a dirty dish in the living room or even our partner’s failure to communicate as often or as effective as we would like. Yes, all of the items above could drive a person crazy if repeated too often and should absolutely be addressed. However, in the midst of those few bad behaviors, there are quite a few characteristics that sometimes go unnoticed, which if mentioned more often, would not only uplift our spouse, but also improve the health of a marriage.

Whether married or single, people normally respond positively to words and actions that build them up, rather than complaints and those that tear them down. Part of being in a committed partnership is knowing our mate. We are aware of what makes them feel good and boosts their ego. There are specific words that our spouses must hear frequently. If you are not sure, allow me to share a few:

Read full article…

8) You Won’t Be Married Long If You…

Excerpt:

Most of the married couples in my family get married and (the most important part) they stay married. I’ve got more than a handful of 30-year-plus marriages to draw inspiration and lessons from. Here are some of the best lessons I’ve learned from watching these marriages up close:

You won’t be married long if you…

…decide you will only care as much as your spouse cares. Marriage requires us to be selfless. And this can be scary, I’ll admit. This requires a vulnerability that can unnerve even the most loving spouse.

…decide that being introspective is a waste of time. Marriage is a partnership. Each person is supposed to bring their best to the relationship for the benefit of all. Problems erupt once the blame for everything (lackluster sex life, piss-poor attempts at quality time, upside finances, etc) get pushed onto your spouse. Acknowledging the role that you play in certain situations is crucial to a marriage that is balanced and fair.

Read full article…

9) The #1 Reason That Couples Get Divorced

Excerpt:

Since launching BlackandMarriedWithKids.com in December 2007, we’ve talked to thousands of couples in one form or another. We’ve communicated via email and Facebook. We’ve also met couples and singles face to face at our film screenings. When the topic of divorce comes up (and yes it comes up often from those who have faced divorce or have overcome it) I see a common pattern.

If more couples knew what the primary cause for divorce was (from my observation), then I think they could avoid it.   I know that you may be thinking that the primary cause for divorce is infidelity, communication,   or financial issues.   But it isn’t. The #1 reason that I see marriages failing is because one or both members of the marriage refuses to do what’s required to keep the relationship together.

Read full article…

10) Another Type of Sex to Add to Your List

I’m sure you’ve heard of make-up sex, honeymoon sex, morning sex, and lunch break sex. But have you heard of after-worship sex? Yes, you read it correctly. After-worship sex.

I didn’t make it up. God did.

As I’ve written before in “The Blessing of Marital Sex,” God wants husbands and wives to experience ultimate pleasure with each other. Sex is a gift that should be opened and used regularly. And, because it’s done in the context of holy matrimony, as opposed to a non-covenant relationship, God blesses it.

Worship blesses a couple’s sex life, too. For some women, seeing their husbands pray, preach, or praise God just does something to them. I’ve been told, and experienced for myself, wanting to make love more, feeling more attracted and free. I’m not sure if it is the same for men, but there is a definite connection between worship and sex. Sounds weird, doesn’t it?   That’s what I thought until I read God’s word for myself. Check out 1 Samuel 1:19.

Read full article…

About the author

Lamar Tyler wrote 2219 articles on this blog.

Lamar Tyler is co-creator BlackandMarriedWithKids.com. He also is the co-producer of the films Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me, Men Ain't Boys and Still Standing.

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