How I Plan to Keep My Marriage Flame From Fizzling

BY: - 17 Dec '12 | Marriage

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Photo Credit: Nevit


Photo Credit: Nevit

I will be celebrating 15 years of marriage next August. And while I am grateful and looking forward to the celebration, I want to make sure I keep in mind what it took for us to get here. A lot of our challenges surfaced in the beginning when we both had more growing to do. My bad habits and selfishness along with his struggle to communicate the way I wanted/needed him to were an interesting combination to say the least. Once I got over myself and he started opening up a little bit more, things improved. Now that we are in a good place, I don’t ever want our flame to fizzle. Here’s my plan:

I will energize myself in order to energize my marriage. Taking care of children and home all drain me at times. There are actual things I can do including taking vitamins, getting the proper rest and asking for help when I feel worn out. Trying to be a superwoman is going to cost me special intimate time with my superman. My children are at just the right ages to have more responsibility so I don’t feel so overwhelmed. When I feel rejuvenated and rested, everyone in the home benefits, including the relationship.

I am determined to stay focused on my goal of peace and joy. With this, I know I have to humble myself, choose my words carefully, be in tune with my intentions and practice love in everything I do. My love for my husband should always be evident in how I treat and speak to him. My responsibility as his wife is to never do anything purposely to hurt him.

I will not bury the greatest parts of me, even when I am upset with my husband and feel he doesn’t deserve to experience the best of me. I will always work at looking and feeling my best. Bringing out the spirited side of me and not allowing the stress and pressures of the world alter who I truly am, especially in my marriage.

Another part of my plan is to simply put forth a greater effort. Knowing that I am only responsible for my own actions and reactions helps to relinquish any needs I may have to control my spouse. I will express myself honestly and lovingly and allow him to do the same. Anger, chaos and confusion are not welcome in my marriage. I pledge not to be too sensitive, nor take everything personally and I will be solution focused. I promise not to play the shut down game and keep the lines of communication open.

Yes, marriage is challenging. Some days are easier than others. It’s easier to go through the motions than to put forth a greater effort in keeping our marriages thriving. I am personally not willing to allow my marriage flame to fizzle. I am going to do my part and effectively manage my half of the relationship. It is my hope that other couples will join me in the fight to keep our marriages alive and well.

BMWK, what are you doing to keep the marriage flaming burning?


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  • Kim

    Love it! Just celebrated 15 years this past August. Gotta keep the flame alive :) Fantastic pointers. Thank you.

    • Tiya Sumter

      Congrats on 15 years. Thank you.

  • Ken S

    Tiya, “You are the perfect verse over a tight beat” – Brown Sugar

    • Tiya

      Love it! Lol

      • Ayanna

        Great advice as always Tiya! It’s amazing to see you and Kenny float through marriage and make it look so easy. You know you are doing a great job when your husband starts quoting epic Brown Sugar lines on your post! Lol Keep the love flowing and inspiring others!!!

        • Tiya

          Thanks Yannie. He is silly isn’t he?

      • Kendra

        Tiya this article is so encouraging. It is very hard to keep the fire fizzling when you can always think of things that are wrong. I really like what you said about taking care of yourself. As women we don’t always take the time to rejuvinate ourselves as we should. I also appreciate what you said about growth being needed in both individuals, very often when things go wrong in a relationship we are quick to blame the men; when many times it is both individuals who need to grow. Thanks so much for the insight. I love these articles.

        • Tiya

          Thank you Kendra!

  • Beatrice

    Very encouraging, thanks a lot.

    • Tiya

      You’re welcome Beatrice.

  • Steve

    I am trying to communicate to my wife about the personal business and where we stand at this moment with our most important debts. i am trying to just tell what i have done. She wants me to say what I trying to say but interupts before i can finish, but wants me to finish what I have to say even though she interupts. This makes no sense, this is a waste of time , especially she is wasting her own time. I am only trying keep her up to date with our immediate situation. After 19 years of marriage this is not productive to get anything accomplished. My main focus is to get cuaght up and stay focused with our finances to build a future for our kids.

    • Tiya Cunningham-Sumter

      Steve is your wife clear on your goals in sharing the finances with her? Also, she may not be aware of the affects her interrupting has on you.

    • Cheryl

      Maybe you can print out the figures and what it is you want to tell her, and say that you are available to talk about it when she is ready. Maybe talking finances is stressful for her, and that is why she interrupts you.

  • Cheryl

    Great article of encouragement! I have been married for 11 years, and it is work to keep the flame burning sometimes. The only thing I would add to your list for myself is to assume love. I am naturally argumentative, and I have spent alot of time making up arguments in my head for why he has done whatever it was I disliked. Now I try to stop and say “I know he loves me, and will not intentionally hurt me, so what can be an alternative reason for …” Once I stop ascribing a likely false and hurtful reason for his actions, I noticed that I am ticked off alot less, which translates into a more peaceful home.

  • bridgette

    wow! well said. some of those bullet points are issues I’ve been struggling with for a few months. just married in august however, we’ve been together for 9 years. the shut down game, as you call it, has been my game of choice after an arguement. after talking to my husband about how that made him FEEL (months ago), I’ve vowed to reveal my heart, hurt, fears and vulnerability to him. your points are so obvious, but can be hard to impliment if you don’t make the commitment to abide by them. thank you for the post. keep it coming.

  • Zay

    OMG it’s as if you were literally in my head thinking everything I wanted to know or need to know. Thanks for the confirmation. Marriage doesn’t come w/ a hand book and I’m so glad to have this forum. Their aren’t a lot of healthy relationship couples are there. It’s good to hear people facing or dealing w/ the same thing, especially in a positive uplifting way!!

  • Jennifer P.

    All of these are great suggestions and things that I’ve considered and vowed to do myself. One additional thing I have vowed to do in 2013 is to spend time each day in solitude with God. Hopefully this helps me with some of the suggestions above. Another thing I’m trying to do is to spend time each week with my husband, whether its a date night outside the house, enjoying a late dinner and movie after the kids go to bed or a coffee chat at a nearby Starbucks. These things really do help.