What If……You Give Real Love a Chance

BY: - 3 Dec '12 | Marriage

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By Troy Spry

What if… for one moment you stopped holding on to the grudge you have against love? You hear so many folks talking about how “strong” they are because they are “independent.” Although independence is a sign of strength, I would argue that the courage it takes to love is a bigger sign of strength. I was listening to Raheem Devaughn’s cd and on the interlude Dr. Cornelle West stated “we all need love, that little TLC, that little tender love and care…understanding it takes courage to love!” The key word being “courage!” I say that to say this……you shutting love out of your life is not a sign of strength, but rather a sign of weakness! Loving yourself is a minimum requirement, but having the courage to let someone love you, and to love someone else, now that takes emotional sacrifice and strength. This is not to say that you will never be hurt, but I would challenge you to embrace this thought…..“Being hurt will never hurt as bad, as being loved feels good!”

What if... you actually let go of that person that has made your heart so hard? What if you stopped clouding your vision with the images of what you thought could have been, but never actually was? What if Mr. or Mrs. Right keeps throwing you passes, but you keep allowing yourself to be intercepted by Mr. or Mrs. Wrong, all because you keep running the wrong routes! What if you stopped blaming him/her for your unhappiness and started blaming yourself because you won’t let go? What if you stopped being so bitter about your past or even your present and tried being optimistic about the future?

Now fellas,  there are a lot of you walking around here flexing and poking your chest out correlating the number of girls you “hit” with being an “alpha male” aka a real man. Many of you close your eyes to the possibility of real love because you feel if you open your heart it may actually come with some additional accountability. You run away from your responsibilities because deep inside you fear that you may not be up to the challenge. Now what part of that spells “alpha male” or real man? I would argue that one of the true tests of manhood is actually trying to love a woman the right way, going all in, and being accountable to her and your family! Now see that spells “alpha male!” I know at least for me it’s one of the toughest journeys that I have ever been on, and I’m not saying you won’t ever fall off the boat, but many of you are scared to even get on the boat! What if you only ATTEMPTED to embrace the role that we have been put on earth to fulfill?

Look folks…I’m no fool; I know relationships aren’t perfect and they are hard sometimes (well at least I know mine haven’t been perfect). I know sometimes we go through bad situations, and we put up with bs all in the name of love. I get it!!!!! With all that being true no one is going to convince me that we are better off without them (relationships) though! If you think you can sell me on that…take your best shot!!

All I’m trying to do is encourage HEALTHY relationships, not “PERFECT” ones. The relationships where the attraction is real and the love is pure. The ones where we actually get to know the person before we jump into a relationship with them. The ones where for a man it’s not a burden to provide and protect, rather it’s a badge of HONOR! The ones where women embrace being nurturing and supportive instead of searching for every fault in their man. The ones where the man respects his woman enough to put her on a pedestal for the world to see, and her happiness is his priority! The ones where the men have EARNED (yeah you dudes need to earn it because having a penis isn’t enough proof) enough trust so that his woman knows that if you let him lead, he will lead you in the right direction! The relationships where if we bring a seed into this world we BOTH will do WHATEVER it takes to raise it the RIGHT WAY (none of this “I show up when I feel like it and give money when I feel like it type garbage”). The ones where fussing, fighting, and arguing are the EXCEPTION and not the RULE because we actually know how to effectively COMMUNICATE! The ones where there is more selflessness than selfishness (yeah some of you think it’s all about you all the time). The relationships where even if it isn’t always perfect we always know that we have each others back. The ones where even if things don’t work out, we can’t even find it in our hearts to HATE each other because the good far outweighed the bad!

What if… we got serious about this thing we call relationships and family?

What if…men, we gave our women more attention then we gave our video games?

What if… we settled our disagreements with conversation instead of confrontation?

What if…the ladies expressed their emotions by loving more and fussing less?

What if… men, you allowed her to be vulnerable in her love because she knows with every breath of her being that no matter what you will be there?

What if… men, going home to your woman at a decent hour got you more cool points then you worrying about it being a sign of weakness?

What if… Ladies, you stopped blaming the new man for how badly the last man treated you,?

What if… Ladies, you let your independence be a part of your sex appeal and stopped expressing it in the form of a power trip.

What if… men, you “put it down” in such a way that when you MADE LOVE (I mean making love to the point that she is in her most vulnerable state) to her no matter how independent she claims to be, when you’re done and she lays her head on your chest, the proof will not be in her words, but it will be in her silence (if you don’t “get” that statement, you not putting it down enough)!

What if… we stopped letting pride and fear pull us into these deep dark places of loneliness and bitterness. And Instead, we let love and accountability push us to a place of openness and happiness!?



Troy Spry resides in Charlotte, NC.   He created his blog, Xklusive Thoughts, with the intent of putting out a very realistic perspective and using it as a vehicle for inspiration!    He hopes to challenge people to think differently and inspire people to do and be better in relationships and in life!  You can reach Troy via his website, twitter, or Facebook.

About the author

BMWK Staff wrote 1259 articles on this blog.

Content and articles from the staff and guest contributors of BlackandMarriedWithKids.com


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10 WordPress comments on “What If……You Give Real Love a Chance

  1. Tiffany Hatcher

    This is your best one yet. Very powerful! I wanted to share this with everyone woman and man I know! I plan to show it to my husband when we get home. We been together 8 years. We long moved on from our past hurts. But its a good read for us anyway because you never know what you head my have let go of, that your heart is still clinging too. This is a great reminder for us to free ourselves completely of our past. Because sometimes even when you think you have, it is traces of it still hanging there or even sometimes it makes it way back into your life….. The best thing you can do for yourself is to let it go….and Let love heal your broken heart.

  2. T.

    Sometimes we don’t even recognize the hurt because it has been with us so long. We are so numb to any feeling other pain that we ask for it just to know we can feel anything at all. It is often my prayer that I am reminded of all the joys of my life giving me a reason to smile and encouraging me to hold out for the love that God has for me.

    1. stephanieb

      I agree T., sometimes you go around for so long being numb and not having love in your life, that you get used to it, sad, but true. I am trying to overcome that in my life, but it’s difficult.

  3. Pingback: Embrace Family and Reject Fueding |

  4. Karmel Kandii

    Loved it! You hit on so many realities in such a simplistic yet deep way. Relationship is simple, but far from easy. Your piece challenges us to see the reward in the trying in a healthy way. Thank you. I’ll be checking out your website & sharing.

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Kansas City Chiefs Tragedy: How to Recognize Signs of Domestic Violence

BY: - 3 Dec '12 | Home

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KasandraPerkins via Instagram

KasandraPerkins via Instagram

On Saturday, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker Jovan Belcher, 25, shot and killed Kasandra Perkins, 22, his girlfriend, and mother of his 3-month-old daughter before turning the gun on himself. The day before, Kasandra posted pictures to Instagram that told a very different story than the one that would unfold less than 24 hours later; pictures of Belcher, a happy father, kissing his baby girl’s cheek.

As early reports surrounding this tragedy begin to surface, police and friends speculate that the catalyst for the argument that lead to the murder-suicide was Belcher’s anger over Kasandra going to a concert the night before. But as family and friends continue to speak out, it becomes clear that the tragedy was triggered long before the fatal night by a relationship under intense strain. No one has pointed to a relationship full of physical violence, but in the words of Kasandra’s cousin, Angela Perkins, “It wasn’t a healthy thing that was going on.”

Why did this young couple, with seemingly normal “young couple” problems, implode in such a violent, tragic way? The two people that may know the true answer to this question are no longer alive to answer it. One thing that we may know to be true, however, is that this level of violence usually doesn’t emerge out of the blue.

Years ago, I found myself in a violent situation that in retrospect was years in the making. The red flags were there throughout, but I had only been trained to recognize those flags that look like the ones in a Lifetime Movie. I wasn’t getting stalked in the bathroom and beat up just because it was Tuesday. But the toxic relationship was something that was evident long before the violent ending.

It took support, and some therapy, for me to understand some of the signs that were present throughout our relationship, and to emotionally let go of it:

Hitting isn’t the only form of abuse. Threatening violence toward you and family members, threatening to hurt or kill themselves, trying to keep you from friends or family, and verbal and emotional abuse; many of these behaviors are present long before an act of physical violence occurs. Recognize that these controlling behaviors often lead to physical violence and will most often only get worse if left unchecked.

Nice guys (and girls) can be violent and controlling. Due to the images that we see in movies and the media, domestic violence perpetrators are often portrayed like the husband in the burning bed; Sinister, alcoholics or drug addicts, mentally ill, or just all-around mean people. A violent person can be all of these things, or he can be a nice guy who doesn’t know how to control his anger. An individual can be capable of violence whether or not he or she is a “good” person deep down inside.

Go with your gut. Sometimes you may not be able to put all the pieces together and pinpoint why you should walk away. Sometimes it’s just a feeling deep inside you that says “Leave.” Listen to that voice. No love, not even one that’s been joined together by marriage, should be strong enough to make you sacrifice the physical and emotional safety of you and your family.

I know that this may be controversial, but in my own experience, I wasn’t able to get control of my life until I stopped viewing myself as a “victim” and started viewing myself as a participant, which I admit happened long after the relationship was over. It wasn’t until I could recognize those signs and own the fact that I chose to participate in an unhealthy, and eventually violent game, that I could choose a different type of relationship; one built on love, honor and mutual respect.

Follow Aja Jackson at Making Love in the Microwave on Facebook and on Twitter.

About the author

Aja Dorsey Jackson wrote 214 articles on this blog.

Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and marriage educator in Baltimore, Maryland and author of the blog and book, Making Love in the Microwave.


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