Did You Cook for the Men You Dated

BY: - 4 Jan '13 | Marriage

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Photo Credit: Son of Groucho

I have confession to make.  I prepared a huge meal for my husband for our third date.  And, I pulled out all the stops….making homemade mac and cheese, I fried some chicken ( and you know it’s takes work to fry chicken), and I made some delicious cabbage.  And it didn’t stop there….I got my mom to make him some homemade rolls and a cake.  Was that shameful…who knows…but I got that ring in 11 months flat…lol!

That was a lot of work.  And was it sending the wrong message too soon in our relationship?  Well in our case, we had a long distance relationship.  So our 3rd date was like 3 months after our 1st date. …..and after we had clocked in thousands of hours talking on the phone and getting to know each other….falling in love.  And while I had been to visit him in the DC area, this was his first time in my home in the Tidewater Va area.   So, I was making it special.

They say that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.  But my mama and auntie’s also say, “what you do to catch him is what you will have to do to keep him.”  And believe me, I do not cook big ‘soul food’ meals for my family often.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with doing nice things for the person that you are dating from time to time.  Lamar really courted me with dates, flowers, gifts…the works.  And I was more than happy to do things in return that made him happy…which included cooking him a delicious meal.

Well, this one author says that she is re-thinking cooking for “just any” man that she is dating.

“The most recent man I cooked for was the poet I had a brief but intense relationship with this past spring. He was mildly autistic and one of the more noticeable signs was his relationship with food: he needed to smell everything before he could eat it and was extremely sensitive to texture and taste. It was interesting to be dating someone who did not share my love for food — he ate out of necessity, not enjoyment.

He once expressed a sadness that his issue would make it difficult for me to cook for him, something he knew I loved to do, but I vowed to find a way. One evening, I made a simple marinara sauce, asking him how much garlic, onion, etc. he liked. As I stirred and added more ingredients, I would give him tastes every few minutes and he would advise, based on his highly sensitive palate, what it needed more of. A couple hours and a ton of dried oregano later, the sauce was to his liking. The funny thing was that his sensitivity to taste meant that he would only eat a tiny bit of sauce  with each bite of pasta — he would literally dip his fork in sauce before twirling it in bare spaghetti noodles and would be able to taste that sheer coating of flavor throughout the entire bite. But watching him eat, my heart literally almost exploded from my chest. I hadn’t said I love you, but I was communicating it loud and clear with each bite of food he took.

Two months later, we broke up. (You can read about that further detail in this essay.) I was heartbroken, but it was the final lesson in a series of similar experiences. I finally realized that I needed to change my approach with men, that I needed to move slower, to not be so quick to trust, to not force intimacy to move faster than it should. Because cooking for me is an intimate act, an expression of affection, that means I won’t be cooking for a man until I feel confident that our depth of feeling for the other is mutual. That we have the ingredients to be something truly worth the wait. Until then, I’m happy to cook for one.”

Please check out the entire article titled:  Girl Talk: I Won’t Cook For Just Any Man Ever Again

BMWK – Do you also feel that cooking for a man or woman is an intimate act?  When would you or did you start cooking for the person you were dating?  Did anybody start doing things when they were dating …that they just could not keep up with in marriage? 


About the author

Ronnie Tyler wrote 527 articles on this blog.

Ronnie Tyler is the co-creator of BlackandMarriedWithKids.com and co-producer of the films Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me, Men Ain't Boys and Still Standing. The proud mom of 4 has been selected by Parenting Magazine as a Must-Read Mom and is one of Babble's Top 100 Mom Bloggers.


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17 WordPress comments on “Did You Cook for the Men You Dated

  1. Emily

    I’m guilty of this. Cooking a lot in the beginning, letting him see I can only make about 10 things, and none of them terribly spectacular. I guess he’s ok with it though!

  2. Lorri

    I’m torn about this. I’ve always felt cooking is something you do once you’ve established a level of trust and comfort with your mate. But it’s all a matter of what your goal is with him/her.

  3. CaliRose

    To each his own; I enjoy cooking with a man in the kitchen. Maybe we need to explore the why behind our moving to fast in the kitchen. I’ve met women that have something to prove to a new man and want to impress him with their wifey in training skills. If you feel a genuine connection with the man, I see no problem cooking. Sounds like the autistic man had some issues that have nothing to do with the woman cooking.

  4. Reggie

    EVERY man wants a woman that can cook. But I don’t know if there needs to be such a big deal made about cooking too soon for a man you’re dating, seeing, “dealing with” or whatever. If a woman can lay down with a man, share her body with him, is cooking him a meal such a far reach?

  5. Ree

    My husband cooked for me first…I got the ring @ 6 months later…(probably cause I didn’t die? lol). He’s a good cook. Though I’m a great cook, I rarely cooked for the guys I dated. I mean if I cooked dinner and they happened to stop by and it was there, help yourself, but wearing the “woman’s role” label by cooking meals and all that was not on my top 100 list, and plus I don’t put too much stock into cooking ability being a feather in ones cap. (Seriously…I’m trying to get up on being able to have a personal chef). Just me. This was the same for him…It ended up being a thing of he’d call me to see if I cooked, and I’d call him to see if he cooked, and whoever had a better plan or menu got it done…Now that we’re married, I cook a lot more than he does which is fine as there are some things around the house that I’m not going to do that he loves doing…like vacuuming and dusting…

    Honestly, (and I guess it depends on the person and/or couple) cooking and all that does nothing to ensure a good marriage. One of my favorite couples have been married for over 35 years, and neither one of them can cook, and they really don’t, and haven’t in over 35 years of being together…

    1. Ronnie Tyler Post author

      Ree…we always say ..”marriage is not one size fits all.” And we have many friends where the husband does all of the cooking and that works for them. I do most of the cooking and I think you are on to something with wanting a personal chef!!! Speaking of “woman’s role”, I’ve seen a few women try to take on too much because they are going by what they think should be “the woman’s role” …and then they are miserable because they are working full time, taking care kids …the house ..the dog..everything.

  6. angela

    to each his own im very happy in my relationship with food and me and my guy we trade off on cooking meals i do soul food he does italian, etc we even experiment other food cultures and tastes..

  7. RahRah

    No ma’am, I certainly did not. Cooking was for a husband and only a husband. This caused a lot of issues in one relationship. He wanted me to cook for him, as did his mother. The pressure was thick. He was a mama’s boy big time. I told him I wasn’t going to compromise on account of his ego or mommy issues (ok, I didn’t use those exact words, lol). There is a difference in cooking so you know I can and me cooking dinner every night for you. I wasn’t my his wife. We definitely did not live together. Where did this expectation come from? My parents always told me that certain things are for marriage only. Some men want all the husband privileges but don’t want to be married and some women are okay with that. I am not one of those women. I don’t play house. Funny thing is that my husbamd didn’t trip about things like that during our courtship. Long story short… He’s eating good every night. Lol. Happy New Year!

  8. Pingback: Is the Way to Your Man's Heart Killing Him? | Black and Married With Kids.com - A Positive Image of Marriage and Family

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Do You “Check In” With Your Spouse?

BY: - 7 Jan '13 | Marriage

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Photo Credit: Iofoto

Photo Credit: Iofoto

My family never misses an opportunity to tease my husband and me about a new app we’ve added to our cell phones. I don’t like to call it a tracking device per say, but it does provide us with the details of each other’s whereabouts, if ever we need them.

We have always been the type of couple to “check in” anyway. Whenever either of us is hanging out with friends and will be out late, we make sure to call so the other spouse knows we’ve made it safely to our destination. Even when I am set to return home I call my husband again to let him know when to expect my arrival. Sharing this information provides a sense of security for me. His knowing when I should make it back home lets him know to follow up if I don’t return within a certain time frame. Well, this new app accomplishes even more than that. We have it installed on not just our cell phones, but also our teenage daughter’s. We are able to not only track the locations, but also see the sex offenders in the area. So, if I am driving home late and God forbid something happens to me, my husband will be able to track exactly where I am and take immediate action.

My relatives often crack jokes and label our app as “stalking” software, nevertheless I find great value in this little tool. They have said they don’t need nor want their spouse to have knowledge of their every move. What they don’t realize is this isn’t a system we use every minute of every day and more importantly neither of us have anything to hide. If he wanted to, my husband could track my every step; I am never anyplace he doesn’t already know I am going to. In my opinion it is simply a modernized version of “checking in” with your spouse.

My loved ones’ reaction made me curious about other couples’ opinions. I found that there are a few friends who do feel the need to “check-in” with their spouse and find this app very useful. While there are still those others who cringe at the idea of their spouse having that much insight or information into their lives. They want to maintain a certain level of independence. For me, my husband knowing where I am doesn’t affect my independence at all, it does, however, create security and confirms the level of trust we share.

It is a personal preference and works for some. I can say that ours works well for us.

BMWK, what are your thoughts on checking in and the use of tracking applications in your relationship?

About the author

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter wrote 635 articles on this blog.

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, founder of Life Editing and Author of A Conversation Piece: 32 Bold Relationship Lessons for Discussing Marriage, Sex and Conflict Available on Amazon . She helps couples and individuals rewrite their life to reflect their dreams. Tiya has been featured in Essence and Ebony Magazines, and named one of the top blogs to read now by Refinery29. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two daughters. To find out more about Tiya, and her coaching, visit www.thelifeandlovecoach.com and www.theboldersister.com.


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