Don’t Let Go Without Holding On

BY: - 10 Jan '13 | inspiration

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Photo Credit: Roger Kirby

Everyone wants to let go of their past. Especially when the past haunts you with things and ideals that nearly destroyed your life. We all have something in our life that we wished would have never happened. We all have situations that were beyond our control. Many of those things, could have been different if we had a choice in the matter. But sometimes, life just happens, and when it does we have to happen with it.

I remember when a young, happy and brilliant 7 year old came to therapy for help with physical and sexual abuse. She was so energetic and excited, as she ran to the room with the toys, that would be her place of healing herself through play therapy. I knew she was hurting, but she wanted to play. I felt her pain, but she wanted to play. I cried for her, but she wanted to play.

I also remember a 10 year old in Zimbabwe Africa, who I felt so sorry for, as he rolled his little Tonka truck in the mud, while it was raining, because he didn’t have a tarp to cover the place under the tree where he and his family lived. I’ll never forget that smile on his face, as he sat in the mud, rolling his truck. His eyes, they looked up at me as though, they were calling me to play. So I did. And I cried like never before. He didn’t understand my tears and I, well, I didn’t understand his strength.

There is this delicate balance between letting things go and holding on to things. There is this tension between what hurts and what hopes. If hope can be found through pain, then life must be able to be found through death. So as you “let it go”, “hold on to it”. There is something that happens between those two worlds that is simply magical. Something that heals, while it hurts, because forgiveness does not have amnesia.

About the author

Leroy Scott wrote 9 articles on this blog.

Leroy Scott, MA, MDiv. is a published author, Licensed Professional Counselor, motivational speaker, Life Coach and relationship expert with over 15 years of professional counseling experience. His counseling services and innovative techniques have impacted thousands of people throughout the world.

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One thought on “Don’t Let Go Without Holding On

  1. Elaine

    Bless you,
    I just read your article for the first time. I was blessed. For me, life has been a journey, and every road taken left a path behind, some of which I will never forget. But with God power, everyday I embrace each moment by sharing that which once held me captive, can now bless others to become free. I praise God for relationships…and marriage is the diamond that makes the gold shine..
    Bless you again.

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Don’t Get It Twisted, You Have Bad Habits Too

BY: - 15 Jan '13 | inspiration

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One of my bad habits: too many products on my sink. Photo Credit: The Consumerist

One of my bad habits: too many products on my sink. Photo Credit: The Consumerist

This week, Lamar and I were interviewed for an episode of the  Lastinglove Couples Talk Show that airs on OhTv in the UK.  The interview was for a Valentine’s episode…so they asked us all sorts of questions about each other (sort of like a Newlywed Game). They separated us, and then asked questions like: “What are your spouses bad habits?”  Wow….I really know some secrets about Lamar that could embarrass him (and vice versa). But sticking to our cardinal rule, never talk bad about your spouse in public, I gave them one bad habit that would not be too embarrassing…but was true: Lamar works too much!  He is a workaholic.

And, I had every bit of confidence that Lamar was going to stick to our rule and not embarrass me either. Because, I do have some bad habits (although I rarely admit that to him). You see, I am too busy focusing on his bad habits to notice mine.  Don’t judge me…I know I’m not the only spouse doing that.

Shooooot….it’s not hard to notice that he leaves hairs on his sink after he shaves, he lets clothes pile up on leather trunk at the end of the bed until I can’t stand it anymore, and he has too many piles of papers that he calls his filing system.

But can you imagine the list of my bad habits that he has floating around in his head.  Late one night as we were preparing for bed, I jumped into bed before Lamar.  Then I said shoot, I have a load of clothes in the washer.  So I asked Lamar, who was still piddling around the room, “Babe, will you please put the clothes that are in the washer into the dryer?”  He said yes and left the bedroom.  Then I heard him say something in the hallway:

” Ronnie Tyler you are killing me.”

I just giggled and pulled the covers up to my eyes…I felt like a little kid peeking out from the covers.

Apparently, I had left the lights on downstairs again.  So he had to go downstairs to cut them off.  When he came back into the room, he didn’t even mention it.  It made me realize that: 1. I get on his nerves too, 2. I also have some bad habits, and 3. He loves me in spite of my bad habits.

While many of our bad habits seem to be minuscule, all of them added up over a long period of time could wear on your spouse’s nerves. And while no one is expected to be perfect in a marriage, I think it is our responsibility to look for areas of improvement. Why, because any thing that you do to improve upon yourself will benefit your marriage.

Amy Morin, LCSW, from The Marriage Counseling Blog, says Changing Your Bad Habits Can Improve Your Marriage. She says:

“Making a change can often trigger a domino effect. Improving other areas of your life can motivate you to address problems in your relationships. Personal improvements can help you to be a better partner and can make for a happier, healthier marriage.”

Amy gives some great tips on how to make changes that stick:

  1. Check your motivation – are you changing for yourself or for your spouse? If you want to make lasting changes, you have to want to do it for yourself.
  2. Make a plan – now that YOU want to change. Document the steps on how you will achieve it….what are the actions that will get you  to your desired goal?
  3. Get started – now that you have a plan in place…get started.  And guess what, it may not be easy and it may take some time.  But don’t give up.
  4. Work with your spouse – tell your spouse about your goals for improvement so that your spouse can provide you with encouragement, support, and a level of accountability towards achieving your goals.

The next time your spouse is getting on your nerves with their bad habits, keep in mind that they are probably thinking the same thing about you.  And then think of how grateful you are that your spouse loves you in spite of your bad habits. It will help you to put things into perspective. Then take it a step further, and start changing some of your own bad habits. I promise you that you’ll feel better and your marriage will be better off  too. It may also motivate your spouse to make some changes as well. But it starts with you!

BMWK — Does your spouse have bad habits that just get on your nerves? How do you keep those things from causing major problems in your marriage.  Do you recognize that you too bring bad habits into the relationship?

About the author

Ronnie Tyler wrote 484 articles on this blog.

Ronnie Tyler is the co-creator of BlackandMarriedWithKids.com and co-producer of the films Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me, Men Ain't Boys and Still Standing. The proud mom of 4 has been selected by Parenting Magazine as a Must-Read Mom and is one of Babble's Top 100 Mom Bloggers.

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