Ghost-of-Relationships-Past: Fear of Rejection

BY: - 7 Jan '13 | Home

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by Maureen Simmons

I stared at my text inbox for what seemed like forever. New relationships are tough. And the older I’ve gotten, the more picky (or nit-picky) I’ve become. I know he’s busy, but really, how long does it take to pluck out 160 characters to respond to a text message? I’ve mentioned it to him–several times– and his response is always the same. “I respond to all of your messages.” Yes, he does “eventually”.

His lackadaisical attitude was wearing my patience to the bone. The only time I am slow to respond to a text, phone call or email is when I don’t want to hear from the person. Sure, sometimes I really am too busy to respond immediately, but generally I respond right away. Maybe subliminally he didn’t want to hear from me. Maybe he was just-not-that-into-me.

Still holding the phone, I glanced at my computer screen—which was opened to Facebook– and saw a status update from Apostle John Eckhardt, of Crusader’s International Church, that read:

“Fear of Rejection:
Once a person has been rejected, they expect or anticipate further wounding. They fear additional hurt causing them to create false defense mechanisms.
1. Who can they trust?
2. Will they be hurt again?
3. Will other people inflict their wounds upon them?
In order to prevent further hurts, they begin to suspect the intentions of others. They develop a distrust of other’s motives; in other words they develop a “paranoia”. As this pattern of distrust and suspicion grows, the paranoia will eventually develop fears that others are plotting against them. The root behind paranoia is always “fear of rejection“. (http://mightywinds.org/)

Wow! It’s as if scales fell from my eyes and I could see myself more clearly. I let out a deep sigh as I realized this was not about 160 characters at all. It was about my fear that his slow response meant he was rejecting me. I put down the phone and picked up the bible; which lay close-by. I knew if I wanted to be free from the fear of rejection I would need to pray, read and apply the scriptures, and consciously resist the urge to feed that fear any longer.

Good relationships are work (or so I’ve been told). And while I can’t do anything about how quickly he’ll respond to a text message, phone call or email; I can do the necessary work on me so I am not bent out of shape over something so miniscule. I mean, who gets bent out of shape over a text message anyway?

Buzzzzzzz!

The vibration from my phone interrupted my thoughts. I picked it up. It was a text from him. Thinking of you! I laughed out loud and immediately texted back, “Thinking of you too!” Ha! If only he knew.

BMWK – have you ever let fear of rejection or issues from past relationships impact your current relationship?  What are some ways to overcome fear of rejection?

Maureen Simmons, a Sr. Human Resources Manager by trade, uses her coaching skills to build people in their life, career and personal relationships. She writes a career-related blog under the moniker “The HR Maven”  and is completing her first book tentatively titled: Jumping for Joy: Principles I Learned in the Valley, due to be published in the Spring of 2013. 

 

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BMWK Staff wrote 1126 articles on this blog.

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  • amantama adams

    To overcome fear of rejection one needs self confidence,

  • stephanieb

    I am definitely like this, so much so that it has made by dating life nearly non-existant because I am so afraid of rejection. It also doesn’t help that I am quite shy, which makes it dificult in communicating with men, and when a certain amount of time goes by and I don’t hear from a guy, I almost always assume the worst. I know that I need to work on my self confidence, but I also know that it will take time, which is hard to deal with once you get past your 30s.

    • Maureen Simmons

      I empathize with you dear sister. However, remember there is nothing that is too hard. Sure, it will take an effort on your part, but you can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens you.

      Praying for you! BE encouraged.

  • Traceykinohio

    I am very much like this. I am no good at relationships and usually prefer to be alone. I always assume the worst. I think men want only sex & that’s it.

    • Anonymous

      I feel u on this one. As i am the same wzy. Uugghh.

  • Lou Lou

    What Scriptures did you _read to help you?

    • Maureen Simmons

      Hi Lou Lou,

      Thank you for your question. I read several texts and intend to use them in much the same manner I would if they were prescribed a medicine from my physician. The GREAT physician (Jesus) has a wonderful cure for fear of rejection. It is:

      1 Timothy 1:7- For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

      Every time fear tries to raise up in ANY situation I remember the cure and apply it to the situation.

      I also re-acquainted myself with 1 Corinthians 13. I call it the Love Chapter. If I am to walk in love then there is no place for fear. That text reminds us that love is PATIENT, KIND and LONG-SUFFERING. So when fear tries to raise up I change directions and take the opportunity to be patient, kind and long-suffering instead. As you can imagine, I am doing this several times a day and not just when it relates to fear but as a reminder that I am to exude Christ in my daily walk.

      Finally I read Galatians 5:22…”the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness….”

      I hope this helps. God bless you!

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10 Benefits Families Should Know About Before Filing Their Taxes

BY: - 7 Jan '13 | Home

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Photo Credit: Dinostock

Photo Credit: Dinostock

We came into the New Year with a dark cloud looming over our heads, as many middle class families faced a tax increase of nearly $2000 – $3500.  The fiscal cliff threatened to send our nation back into recession.

But on January 1st, the White House proudly announced the  American Taxpayer Relief Act of 2012 was finally passed which means:

” middle-class families won’t see an increase in their income tax rates. We’ve avoided the fiscal cliff.”

And with the passing of the American Taxpayer Relief Act of 2012,  a group of tax cuts that will help middle class families keep more money in their pockets were extended.  So before you file your taxes, please make sure you are aware of the tax breaks that you are eligible for.

Lynnette  Khalfani-Cox, The Money Coach,  has listed 10 Special Tax Benefits for Parents in 2013:

“1. Exemptions for Dependents

In most cases, you can claim your child as a dependent on your tax return. That starts from the year in which your son or daughter was born and generally runs until he or she is under age 19 or under age 24.

According to the IRS, for each dependent you claim as an exemption on your 2012 taxes, you lower your taxable income by $3,800. This ultimately decreases your tax bill–or increases your federal income tax refund.

Here’s more detailed advice on the age limits on claiming a child as a dependent. Also, for more information, see IRS Publication 501, Exemptions, Standard Deduction and Filing Information.

2. Child Tax Credit

With the passage of the fiscal cliff agreement, for the next five years you may be able to take advantage of this special tax credit and claim up to $1,000 for each of your children under age 17. If you can’t take the full amount of the Child Tax Credit, you may qualify for the Additional Child Tax Credit.

For more information, see IRS Publication 972, Child Tax Credit.

3. Child and Dependent Care Credit

Like I mentioned, children aren’t cheap. So you may be working in order to feed those hungry mouths.

If that’s the case, and you pay someone to care for your child or children under age 13 so that you can go to work, or even just look for work, you may be able to claim the Child and Dependent Care Credit. Working families scored a major victory with this tax credit under the fiscal cliff legislation. That’s because this tax credit was made permanent.”

To see the rest of  The Money Coach’s list, head over to Ebony.com.

 

About the author

Ronnie Tyler wrote 473 articles on this blog.

Ronnie Tyler is the co-creator of BlackandMarriedWithKids.com and co-producer of the films Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me, Men Ain't Boys and Still Standing. The proud mom of 4 has been selected by Parenting Magazine as a Must-Read Mom and is one of Babble's Top 100 Mom Bloggers.

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