Is Your Spouse Aware of Your Back-Story?

BY: - 14 Jan '13 | Marriage

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We all know our past and upbringing all contribute to the type of adults and spouses we become. Unfortunately, a large number of individuals who were raised in homes where arguing, yelling, and name calling were the norm later grew up and, more than likely, sought a partner they could have a similar relationship with. People who came from loving and nurturing environments looked for a mate that showed them the same kind of love they were already accustomed to. Parents don’t often realize the affect their parenting skills have on the future families their children will create.

Usually in relationships when things don’t go our way we pull out certain behaviors that happen to be familiar to us because they were what we remembered most from childhood. In most cases, the actions we observed as children are the ones that now show up in our relationships and raise all kinds of hell. Watching our parents display a particular conduct proved to us that this was how to cope whenever similar challenges arose in our own lives.

We carry this around with us and sometimes pick up even more baggage from the failed relationships along the way. Then after all that, we meet the person who decides to share their life with us and they have no idea what they are really getting into. With all of that back-story, our unsuspecting spouse is better prepared to deal with the good and the bad that comes along with being involved in a relationship with us. But we are not alone, everyone brings to the table their own personal set of issues. We are all just a little bit quirky, have bad habits we wish we could get rid of, and are holding on to things we really need to let go of. Not one of us is perfect, nor should we ever be expected to be. That’s why it’s so important that we open up and share with our spouse what really makes us tick.

Our partners should know our back-story. Can you imagine how much better you would feel knowing why your spouse sometimes reacts a specific way in certain situations instead of guessing and wondering? This isn’t to say individuals shouldn’t be working toward change and making self-improvements. Couples must be honest with one another while working hard at building a successful marriage. I’ve said it before, love isn’t always easy. It requires effort, honesty, and real communication. In order to give the relationship a stronger foundation we must be willing to invite our partner completely into our world. There is healing in sharing and our partners will have a deeper understanding once we’ve revealed our back-story.

BMWK, have you shared your back-story with your spouse?


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  • Ronnie Tyler

    Great post Tiya, I told Lamar my back story (secrets) and he loved me any way :-). That’s when I knew he was a keeper.

    • Tiya

      Ronnie, that is a for sure sign. It feels so good to know you have someone who loves you no matter what.

  • Jay Kay

    Hey Tiya! Great article as usual. I simply love your writing style. I believe in telling your spouse your back story. Although at times there are repercussions on doing so, as oftentimes during an argument these things have a way of ‘cropping’ back up.
    I would love to see you write an article on how to handle a stubborn spouse or one who is stuck in a routine and its hard to get him/her out of it. That would be very interesting. Keep doing what you do girl!

    • Tiya Cunningham-Sumter

      Thank you Jay Kay for your comment and article idea. That is really a great topic. Don’t be surprised if you see it next week. :)