Is Your Spouse Aware of Your Back-Story?

BY: - 14 Jan '13 | Marriage

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We all know our past and upbringing all contribute to the type of adults and spouses we become. Unfortunately, a large number of individuals who were raised in homes where arguing, yelling, and name calling were the norm later grew up and, more than likely, sought a partner they could have a similar relationship with. People who came from loving and nurturing environments looked for a mate that showed them the same kind of love they were already accustomed to. Parents don’t often realize the affect their parenting skills have on the future families their children will create.

Usually in relationships when things don’t go our way we pull out certain behaviors that happen to be familiar to us because they were what we remembered most from childhood. In most cases, the actions we observed as children are the ones that now show up in our relationships and raise all kinds of hell. Watching our parents display a particular conduct proved to us that this was how to cope whenever similar challenges arose in our own lives.

We carry this around with us and sometimes pick up even more baggage from the failed relationships along the way. Then after all that, we meet the person who decides to share their life with us and they have no idea what they are really getting into. With all of that back-story, our unsuspecting spouse is better prepared to deal with the good and the bad that comes along with being involved in a relationship with us. But we are not alone, everyone brings to the table their own personal set of issues. We are all just a little bit quirky, have bad habits we wish we could get rid of, and are holding on to things we really need to let go of. Not one of us is perfect, nor should we ever be expected to be. That’s why it’s so important that we open up and share with our spouse what really makes us tick.

Our partners should know our back-story. Can you imagine how much better you would feel knowing why your spouse sometimes reacts a specific way in certain situations instead of guessing and wondering? This isn’t to say individuals shouldn’t be working toward change and making self-improvements. Couples must be honest with one another while working hard at building a successful marriage. I’ve said it before, love isn’t always easy. It requires effort, honesty, and real communication. In order to give the relationship a stronger foundation we must be willing to invite our partner completely into our world. There is healing in sharing and our partners will have a deeper understanding once we’ve revealed our back-story.

BMWK, have you shared your back-story with your spouse?

About the author

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter wrote 593 articles on this blog.

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, founder of Life Editing and Author of A Conversation Piece: 32 Bold Relationship Lessons for Discussing Marriage, Sex and Conflict Available on Amazon . She helps couples and individuals rewrite their life to reflect their dreams. Tiya has been featured in Essence and Ebony Magazines, and named one of the top blogs to read now by Refinery29. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two daughters. To find out more about Tiya, and her coaching, visit www.thelifeandlovecoach.com and www.theboldersister.com.

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4 WordPress comments on “Is Your Spouse Aware of Your Back-Story?

  1. Jay Kay

    Hey Tiya! Great article as usual. I simply love your writing style. I believe in telling your spouse your back story. Although at times there are repercussions on doing so, as oftentimes during an argument these things have a way of ‘cropping’ back up.
    I would love to see you write an article on how to handle a stubborn spouse or one who is stuck in a routine and its hard to get him/her out of it. That would be very interesting. Keep doing what you do girl!

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10 Reasons I Knew He Was the One

BY: - 14 Jan '13 | Home

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Lamar and Ronnie_ date

Because we run a large marriage and parenting site and we produce movies on marriage, people want to know our story.  They want to know how we met and  when did we know that we had “the one.”  Of course, our answers are different, as we’ve had different journeys that led us to each other.

Lamar and I were engaged after dating for 11 months.  He planned a very romantic proposal for me.  He wanted to take me for a walk along a beautiful waterfront that had walking paths and benches in order to propose to me there.  But on the day of the proposal, I was not agreeable.  I would not get out of the car.  I was tired, it was cold, and I just wanted to go home and chill.  So, we went back to his place to chill.  He put the ring on a necklace and as we lay down watching a movie, I discovered the ring. I don’t even think he asked me to marry him.  I just jumped up, grabbed the ring and said: “Yes,  Yes, Yes, Yes…”

But what made me so sure? My the last relationship was not good ( to put it mildly.)  I spent a very long time in a relationship that was not good for me. And although everyone else could see that it was not good, I could not.   So how could I trust my judgement now?  How could I let my wall down and trust Lamar?  Why was I so confident that I was making that right decision with Lamar?

Click through to see 10 reasons why I knew Lamar was the one

 

About the author

Ronnie Tyler wrote 491 articles on this blog.

Ronnie Tyler is the co-creator of BlackandMarriedWithKids.com and co-producer of the films Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me, Men Ain't Boys and Still Standing. The proud mom of 4 has been selected by Parenting Magazine as a Must-Read Mom and is one of Babble's Top 100 Mom Bloggers.

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