Keep Your Spouse’s Mind Occupied with Positive Thoughts of You

BY: - 21 Jan '13 | Marriage

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We’ve heard it all before, relationships take work. I prefer not to call it work, I’d rather say relationships require effort. Effort is something, that if we put our mind and energy toward, can actually happen. We are in more control of what happens in our love life than we care to admit. We have the power to make our relationship easier.

Many of the things that add stress to our marriage are well within our control. We can choose to improve ourselves, speak life into our marriage, and stay focused on the positive things that are happening. Or we can highlight the negative, complain about all the things our spouse happens to be doing wrong, and make, not only our spouse’s, but our life miserable. We can create an environment so filled with drama and distractions that neither partner looks forward to returning home at the end of a long day. I knew I never wanted that type of home. Don’t get me wrong, my husband and I disagree, we fuss, we get upset, and we grate on each other’s last nerve. But no matter what, I refuse to have a home that lacks a sense of peace overall.

I made it up in my mind, I wanted my husband to be thinking positive thoughts of me when we are apart. In order for that to happen, there a few things I must be mindful of.

Disagreements get nipped in the bud the moment they show up. No sense in holding on to unnecessary drama if it is something we can discuss and get over right away. I have to open my mouth and share what’s on my mind, the good and the bad and listen when my husband does the same. I also have to be willing to forgive and apologize when needed in order to maintain the peace.

I must shower my husband with affection. Physical touch is important in any relationship, especially a marriage. I want to leave him wanting more and give him something to look forward to coming back home to.

I have to encourage him throughout the day with little reminders of  just how great I think he is. I can do this through text messages or phone calls as long as I make sure to remind him that I love and support him, and of how much I believe in him.

These are just a few of the small things we can be aware of as we seek to create and maintain a peaceful and loving marriage. There is a certain affect I would like  to have on my husband. I want to keep his mind occupied with positive thoughts of me.

BMWK — What are some things you do to keep your spouse’s mind occupied with positive thoughts of you?

About the author

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter wrote 531 articles on this blog.

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, founder of Life Editing and Author of A Conversation Piece: 32 Bold Relationship Lessons for Discussing Marriage, Sex and Conflict. She helps couples and individuals rewrite their life to reflect their dreams. Tiya has been featured in Essence and Ebony Magazines, and on the Michael Baisden Show. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two daughters. For more of Tiya's fearless life and love wisdom, visit her blog at www.theboldersister.com

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  • Andriea ISH

    Great article! This serves as a good reminder to do some of the things that may fall away when a hectic and busy life are underway. My husband doesn’t like to talk about things right away though. I’m that person who wants to stop the world and fix it immediately. He likes to step away, gather his thoughts, and talk later. I’m still trying to get used to that. :)

    • http://www.lifeediting.com Tiya Cunningham-Sumter

      Thanks Andriea. Great point, we have to be mindful of what works for our spouse too and respect that.

  • Pingback: Keep Your Spouse’s Mind Occupied with Positive Thoughts of You | Black and Married With Kids.com – A Positive Image of Marriage and Family « wtpdiaries()

  • Finesse Lyons

    I can appreciate this article, however, I find this hard to do after we have faced so many storms and after coming out of these storms im not sure as to how we can get back to loving feelings and positivity while things are so awkward now for us!

    • http://www.lifeediting.com Tiya Cunningham-Sumter

      Finesse,
      These tips are challenging if your marriage isn’t in a good place. I am sending prayers your way for change, growth and improvement in your marriage. I will challenge you not to give up, talk it out and fight for it.

      • Finesse Lyons

        Thank you and plz know that your prayers are very much appreciated! Jah Bless…Peace & Love to you and yours.

  • Niambi

    Thank you! What I am learning is that YOU make your marriage into what you want it to be, just like you make your life into what you want it to be by the choices and actions that you take.

    • Tiya Cunningham-Sumter

      Great point! Well said, I couldn’t agree more. Thanks Niambi.

  • jeanette

    Just love you guys and all your articles I have never been married yet but hopefully one day when I do I’ll have all this knowledge to be the best wife :-) SMOOCHES!

End of The Road: 3 Steps to Letting Go

BY: - 22 Jan '13 | Marriage

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Photo Credit: Mr. Littlehand via Flickr

PAY ATTENTION because it’s 2013 and class is now in session. So many people are in a very miserable place in life because they won’t let go of the thing or person that made them miserable in the first place. Although I could dress this up and put in a lot of colorful words and similes and metaphors, this time I want to get straight to the point! These are 3 things I want you to do in 2013 so that you can begin to let go!

1) STOP COMMUNICATING WITH HIM/HER: Look folks, the half way breaking up thing does not work! If you are going to claim to be breaking up with someone then you need to seriously break up with that person. This starts with stopping the communication. That means all of the texting, talking, emailing, twittering, facebooking, telegramming, and smoke signaling has to cease. If you have kids together then I know you must communicate, but it should ONLY be about the kids. “Well why can’t we be friends???” You just can’t! I just need you to trust me on this one. You continuing to communicate will slow down your healing and “getting over it” process so just DON’T DO IT! Oh and by the way, this includes NO MORE SEX! This whole “we broke up, but we are still going to be friends with benefits” thing must stop. Sometimes you must close your legs so that you can begin to close your heart.

2) LEARN FROM THE EXPERIENCE: If there’s someone I can’t have any empathy for it’s a person who continues to make the same mistake over and over and over again. I know that maybe you and your ex had some great times, but I’m almost willing to bet that the bad times are the reason he or she is your ex now. Stop trying to bury the bad things and keep alive the good things just so that you can justify playing the double-dutch back and forth game with him or her. We can all learn different things from every experience and relationship, even the bad ones. Accept the fact that it’s over and embrace the lessons you learned from the situation. If you took an L (loss) then take that L and better prepare yourself for a W (win) later!

3) WAVE THE WHITE FLAG: What I mean is this…stop trying to “win” the situation. SO WHAT that he has a new woman or that she has a new man, and SO WHAT they “don’t have nothing on you!” The bottom line is that you are still not allowing yourself to let go of the situation all because you are still fighting for the person that is your EX for a reason! Ask yourself this…even if you win what is the prize that you are getting? You don’t have to try and win the situation all to prove a point to yourself because at the end of the day, your ex is the one who is winning because he or she probably has both a new person AND you. So in this case, even if you think you are winning you are still losing. Besides…your ultimate win and revenge will be when you let go and move on completely. We all know that the hardest thing to accept is when we figure out that our ex really doesn’t care anymore and has moved on! When your ex sees you do that that’s when you will really be WINNING!!

I can already hear it…I’m listening to the thoughts of the people reading this blog who aren’t truly ready to let go and the first thing they are saying is “well that’s easier said than done!” My response is “well isn’t everything?” Just because something isn’t easy doesn’t mean that it doesn’t need to be done! Many of you must let go of what’s wrong now so that you can hold on to what’s right later! There are a million other tips I could give to help people let go, but I believe that these three are a great starting point.  If you aren’t ready to receive these three points then odds are you aren’t truly serious about letting go. Remember this: Time doesn’t change things, people do! Do yourself a favor and begin letting go today!

BMWK — When it comes to your past relationships, how have you been able to let go?

Troy Spry resides in Charlotte, NC.   He created his blog, Xklusive Thoughts, with the intent of putting out a very realistic perspective and using it as a vehicle for inspiration!    He hopes to challenge people to think differently and inspire people to do and be better in relationships and in life!  You can reach Troy via his website, twitter, or Facebook.

About the author

Troy Spry wrote 169 articles on this blog.

Troy Spry a Certified Life, Dating, and Relationship Coach and the one and only "Reality Expert", resides in Charlotte, NC. He created his blog, Xklusive Thoughts, with the intent of putting out a very realistic perspective and using it as a vehicle for inspiration! He hopes to challenge people to think differently and inspire people to do and be better in relationships and in life!

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